Wednesday, October 13, 2010

Divine Intervention - A falling seed

Things are scary.  It's hard to be motivated to do anything, to stay true to one's self, to overcome the compounded issues that surround us on a daily basis.  There is so little within one's control.  I myself feel like I'm a seed riding an autumn zephyr, waiting to fall to the ground.  If I'm lucky I'll end up in a place that is perfect for me, or if fate has it, then I won't and I'll have a miserable rotting existence.

Isn't there anything we can do to direct the wind our way? Perhaps I can shift the balance to one side and encourage a certain direction, but in the end, I still feel like the things I do are minute and futile. 

There are conflicting ideas about destiny, it's existence etc.  Destiny is perhaps an archaic term.  It is the kind of word that legends cite and the kernel from which stories develop.  Destiny is not a post-modern word.  Fate is in the same boat.  The attribution of mystical forces of chance have been replaced by probability theory and advanced mathematical logics.  Mystery is gone.  Things are pure chance.

The problem with assigning chance to our lives is it disregards the number of factors present at any given moment.  It disregards the idea that we decide what world we live in every moment of every day by even the smallest of choices like flossing or taking a multi-vitamin.  Mystery then becomes the fact there are simply too many factors to attribute our lives to fate.  Though, as I write this, I begin to think that perhaps our present state is the result of a series of past choices that cannot be changed and the way to determine our future is to change the types of choices we make in the present.  For some time while we wait however, our present will be in a transition state.  That is to say that our current choices to change our future state will begin to change our lives slowly.  It is an arduous task.  It takes discipline and determination and can be easily derailed in the early stages of change.

So then, yes, we have a destiny.  It is determined by our choices, which means we can change it at any time by deciding something different.  But what to decide? What to choose?  The advice of many knowledgeable people may not be enough.  The soothing words of spiritual leaders may not be helpful. The comforting embrace of a friend or lover may hold no comfort whatsoever. In the end it is only your heart and mind that chooses based on the information you have at that moment and the emotions you feel.  Choose your own adventure.  We used to read those books, the literary version of an RPG video game. And frankly, I thought they were a waste of time.  Each choice had a predetermined length that could not be altered until you reached another point where you could make another choice.  The RPG video game gives you a bit more options, but still it was limited.

So even after thinking over myself, still floating, balancing, the thoughts in my head run from one direction to another. This isn't a video game or a piece of pulp fiction. This is my life.  I find the paths to be mutually exclusive, though perhaps they aren't.  Who can say until I've played the thing out and it's too late? I may have chosen the wrong adventure and died prematurely as opposed to rescuing the lost artifact and saving the world because of it.  The pressure is to make the right choice, but what is right? What is right for me? I would prefer to contemplate the view on the way down as opposed to the landing, but the balance must be shifted.  Decisions must be made.  Which way to go? I don't know.  So I wait, hoping the answer will hit me like it has so many times before, in a dream, an epiphany, a flash of divine intervention.  I pray it is soon.

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