Motherhood: Expectations v. Complete Inexperience

It's confession time.

1. I have been in 1 American wedding - my own.
2. I have been to only one bridal shower besides my own.
3. I have been asked to babysit only once, and that was during a church function where if something had gone awry, I could have called on an adult. This is despite the fact that I took the American Red Cross babysitting course.
4. Though I never was asked to babysit, I was regularly asked to house and dog sit.
5. I have never been to a baby shower - ever. Wait! I went to one when I was like 8 or something...does that count? I don't really remember it.
6. I have never changed a diaper (though I've seen it done plenty of times).
7. I have held a total of 2 babies in my entire life (one of them was one I babysat in confession number 2).
8. My husband has more experience with young children than I do.

I am, by all accounts, inexperienced.

Like Hermione (with whom my husband regularly compares me) I have read and researched all kinds of things about babies and parenting - from gear and cloth diaper folds to birthing classes and toddler discipline, I have eagerly devoured information.

But of course, reading is not the real thing. Reading may be helpful, but every child is different. Every pregnancy is different. Every birth is different.

The sad thing is, I am not alone in my lack of experience. Many young women grow up with this lack of exposure to raising children. When they get to the point where I am, they become deer in headlights - freaking out about every little thing. Will I break the baby? Will I screw it up? Is this normal? How could this kid poop so much when he's only been drinking breast milk?!

It's enough to make anyone's head spin. We are, by all accounts, lost.

Gone are the days of communities raising children together. There is not that sharing of responsibility. Many couples are choosing to have no children at all making an even smaller pool of potential exposure to motherly pursuits. While some women choose to have larger families, more often than not, couples are choosing to have only one, or at most, two children.  Childcare is generally relegated to professionals with so many early childhood education credits to their names, in settings that are carefully controlled by state accrediting bodies.

Yet, while we're so inexperienced, we're expected to know everything. We're expected to be perfect angelic stewards of our bodies during pregnancy. In childbirth, we're expected to dope ourselves up and be strapped down to be cut open in a conveniently scheduled surgical procedure. When our baby is out, we're expected to love them immediately, follow all the rules set out by the experts (never mind that these experts are consistently contradictory), and raise them with all the latest gadgetry in the most scientifically supported parenting style.

This is the American way.

It is completely bonkers.

Instead of this wretched picture, I will choose another classic American way - independence. I'll do things my way - the way that makes the most sense for our particular situation. I will not feel guilty for my lack of experience. I will not feel guilty if I don't use all the crazy gadgetry or the parenting style du jour in magazines. I will enjoy this adventure and let things happen as they must, doing the best I can with the information and intuition I have at the time.

So, if you decide to give me some bit of pregnancy/childbirth/parenting advice, don't be hurt if I do the exact opposite. Because I might. Hell, I probably will. I'm ornery like that. I live in Oakland, and as they say, we do what we want.

Your Choices Are My Business - On Bad Parenting

Recently I've come across a variety of sources and individuals discussing the relationship with society and an individual's choices. In particular I'm interested in parents' choices.Working in a school gives me a front row seat to parental choices and the long term impact they can have.

Needless to say, I've become concerned - even bothered.

It *really* bothers me when someone says, "How I raise my kid is none of your business!" Actually, it is *very* much my business - and I'm not just speaking as an educator but as a human being and a concerned citizen.

All choices made impact others. If you choose to formula feed because you want to keep your breasts perky and so sabotage your child's well-being, that affects me. It affects me in medical bills and services spent, the relationship or less bonding that occurs between you and your child, as well as the impact formula companies have on society and the environment.

If you choose to hit your child that affects me. Abused children are more likely to become abusers. Even if they don't abuse, they will have issues that need to be resolved with therapy and counseling.

If you choose to give your child soda, chips, and Twinkies instead of fruits, vegetables, and nuts it affects me. Not only will your child not get the nutrients they need and therefore have more illness, but they are more likely to be overweight or obese. This increases their chances of all manner of illnesses which my tax dollars will likely be spent on. Perhaps doctors' time will be taken away from unpreventable illnesses.

The list goes on.
And I can think of numerous examples.

So no, everyone's choices impact everyone. Because your choices impact me, yes, they are my business. I want some control over these situations. I want laws and educators and interventions. In the long run, I expect prevention to be a better course than damage control for someone else's poor choices.

I realize not only does this make me conservative (in the traditional sense of the word) and brand me as a bit of a socialist, but I also come out quite unpopular. Yet again I'm preaching against that core American value of unadulterated freedom and individualism - this untouchable sacred law that regularly causes harm...

But there's a reason.

For those of you familiar with my family, you know my brother is adopted through fostercare. He is an awesome guy and I love him. And he was lucky. A series of choices led him to a loving family who was prepared and able to support and provide for him. But many children who go into fostercare are not so blessed. Poor choices on the part of parents lead the rest of society to pick up the tab. The result is there are more foster kids than homes to take them. Many of these children have emotional and physiological issues that require extensive treatment and care.

This has several causes. Part of it is purely cyclical. Their parents made poor choices and their grandparents made poor choices and so on. Poor choices were a learned and repeated behavior.

Another factor is a lack of education. I know some of us (the Hermione Grangers out there) do their research, but most do not. Classes are not required. Manuals don't come with babies. Counseling and support groups are not guaranteed - which leads to our last problem; support isn't always accessible or intuitive.

Because our society is so individualistic, parents are often left to fend for themselves. Without help during the course of typical parental stresses, small problems can become big issues leading to choices with disasterous consequences (hitting v. talking, or junk food v. balanced meals). The combination of these factors encourages poor, misinformed choices.

And we all have to pay for them.

That said, the next time you prod someone about nutrition or discipline and they bite your head off, they're probably feeling guilty or sleep deprived. I'd try to be a little kind, even while being firm in your questioning their choice.

Because deep down we know the truth - our choices are not just our own. And that truth is painful when we know we're making bad choices for worse reasons.

I don't know about you, but that makes me want to research and think carefully before taking any action.

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