Motherhood: Expectations v. Complete Inexperience

It's confession time.

1. I have been in 1 American wedding - my own.
2. I have been to only one bridal shower besides my own.
3. I have been asked to babysit only once, and that was during a church function where if something had gone awry, I could have called on an adult. This is despite the fact that I took the American Red Cross babysitting course.
4. Though I never was asked to babysit, I was regularly asked to house and dog sit.
5. I have never been to a baby shower - ever. Wait! I went to one when I was like 8 or something...does that count? I don't really remember it.
6. I have never changed a diaper (though I've seen it done plenty of times).
7. I have held a total of 2 babies in my entire life (one of them was one I babysat in confession number 2).
8. My husband has more experience with young children than I do.

I am, by all accounts, inexperienced.

Like Hermione (with whom my husband regularly compares me) I have read and researched all kinds of things about babies and parenting - from gear and cloth diaper folds to birthing classes and toddler discipline, I have eagerly devoured information.

But of course, reading is not the real thing. Reading may be helpful, but every child is different. Every pregnancy is different. Every birth is different.

The sad thing is, I am not alone in my lack of experience. Many young women grow up with this lack of exposure to raising children. When they get to the point where I am, they become deer in headlights - freaking out about every little thing. Will I break the baby? Will I screw it up? Is this normal? How could this kid poop so much when he's only been drinking breast milk?!

It's enough to make anyone's head spin. We are, by all accounts, lost.

Gone are the days of communities raising children together. There is not that sharing of responsibility. Many couples are choosing to have no children at all making an even smaller pool of potential exposure to motherly pursuits. While some women choose to have larger families, more often than not, couples are choosing to have only one, or at most, two children.  Childcare is generally relegated to professionals with so many early childhood education credits to their names, in settings that are carefully controlled by state accrediting bodies.

Yet, while we're so inexperienced, we're expected to know everything. We're expected to be perfect angelic stewards of our bodies during pregnancy. In childbirth, we're expected to dope ourselves up and be strapped down to be cut open in a conveniently scheduled surgical procedure. When our baby is out, we're expected to love them immediately, follow all the rules set out by the experts (never mind that these experts are consistently contradictory), and raise them with all the latest gadgetry in the most scientifically supported parenting style.

This is the American way.

It is completely bonkers.

Instead of this wretched picture, I will choose another classic American way - independence. I'll do things my way - the way that makes the most sense for our particular situation. I will not feel guilty for my lack of experience. I will not feel guilty if I don't use all the crazy gadgetry or the parenting style du jour in magazines. I will enjoy this adventure and let things happen as they must, doing the best I can with the information and intuition I have at the time.

So, if you decide to give me some bit of pregnancy/childbirth/parenting advice, don't be hurt if I do the exact opposite. Because I might. Hell, I probably will. I'm ornery like that. I live in Oakland, and as they say, we do what we want.

Freedom Isn't Free

Since before Independence Day, I've been ruminating over the concept of freedom. What is freedom? How do we define it? What does it mean practically in daily life?
Like many things, freedom means different things to different people. Often I hear rhetoric about patriotism associated with freedom. But freedom isn't just political or economic. At its most basic level, it is personal. Personal freedom is the root from which all others grow.
I think the best example is the culture of Oakland. In Oakland people do what they want. It is a "freedom from" as well as a "freedom to" situation. Despite legislation saying one thing or another, it is generally accepted that a person can walk down the street with an open container. It is accepted that people will perform guerilla art, leaving walls covered in magnificent murals or signposts baring their own knitted creations. Street fairs are common, as are community parades - no permit necessary.
Of course there are consequences to such a culture. When the police become involved, things are more extreme. Historically, OPD is known for its brutality. I can't imagine our penchant for doing what we like helps.
But freedom doesn't have to be even as public as this. Fundamentally, our level of freedom is influenced by our personal power. Power is derived from many things, not the least of which are types of capital. I am thinking particularly of physical assets like money and vehicles, to social capital, such as connections. We have all experienced the freedom to do things derived from resource rich situations (whether it was watching someone else or exercising it ourselves).
Yet freedom is still more fundamental. It is literally a mental problem. We box ourselves in. We choose to be confined within socially accepted constraints, rather than choosing more creative possibilities. For example, the traditional route for acquiring a bed. A typical person would think only of purchasing a new bed from a store. But what about goodwill? That would be a more creative solution. What about Craigslist? That may result in a free bed, which is a little more outside the box. Still, you could design your bed. This would be the most creative solution, resulting in something perfect for your space. It is the most personal and the most open-ended choice. The limits are your resources - as opposed to someone else's conception of a bed. It is therefore the most liberating of the potential choices.
Yet this choice is not often made. The idea of creating one's own bed is daunting to most people. Most people would gladly give up their freedom in exchange for security. A person knows what the bed will look like and how it will work because it has been tested. There is no question. So instead of more choices, one acquires safety in knowing the bed will perform according to expectations. This is the often the result of fear - fear of failure, inability, unhappiness, insecurity and the list goes on.
The sad truth is that few people actually want freedom. They misunderstand what freedom means practically. It's fine to talk about freedom as a grandiose concept relating to American myth. But once we turn the discussion to choices in the real world, freedom is too scary and much too problematic.
The more I think about this frightening concept, the more I realize how much I love it. I love the thrill of correcting a mistake in creation. I love the thrill of choosing. The difficulty is when there are too many choices, but it's a difficulty I'm willing to overcome.
True independence is a pain in the ass. Sometimes I have to sacrifice security in order to obtain it. Even still, if I wasn't living freely, I'd die. So who cares about a little indecision?

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