Open Book Blog Hop: Three Things Shaping My Voice

Winetasting in Paso Robles

What are three things that make you unique? That was the prompt for this week's Open Book Blog Hop. I think you'll see a lot of connection between my answer and my books.

Ultimately the thing that makes a writer unique is experience. Accident of birth places us in a certain range of possible experience and life directions. In my case, there are a few specific things which guide everything else.

First, and perhaps the most obvious, is the influence of my parents. My parents are both ordained Baptist ministers (it is one of the family occupations in my tree). However, their brand of religion is not exclusionary in the least. It is carefully considered, thoughtful, and deep. My father is a man of logic and learning, who enjoys everything life has to offer, from watching a finch take a bath, to winetasting, to playing electric bass or guitar in a funk band. When my friends meet him, they say, "Your dad is so cool!" Half the time they end up befriending him on Facebook.

My mother is a powerful person. She dictates the climate of every room she enters (a gift I inherited, for better or worse). She suffered prejudice in order to follow her calling. I think because of this, she determined not to pigeon-hole me into a gender label. Instead, as a child she gave me gender neutral clothes unless I asked for something "girly." She made sure I had all kinds of toys, from remote control cars to blocks to dolls. I had science and craft kits. Thanks to her, I never felt like I couldn't do something because I had a uterus.

Second, I experienced a lot of overt misogyny from toddlerhood through young adulthood. I write a lot about this in my memoir THRIVE, and while I won't go into the details of what happened here, it definitely shaped who I am and my voice as a writer (especially in the context of my upbringing). This made me hunger for compassionate justice for all people, no matter their identity or station. It definitely directs my themes in all my fiction, but especially in THE ROLLINS PACK, because I wanted boys to particularly understand how their actions can impact others.

Finally, I am an optimist. Despite whatever crazy things happen to me (again, see THRIVE for some of the nitty gritty), I look for the beauty and wonder in all things. This may be considered a quality or trait as opposed to an experience, but it definitely shapes how I view my life experience and how I approach new things. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. If I don't know I person, I never credit their reputation until I have seen and experienced it myself. If something bad happens, I always look for the lesson or opportunity available. When there is the option for adventure, I always say yes - because I see all the marvelous possibilities and potential. It's how I ended up studying abroad in Hungary at the last minute (I heard a professor talk and decided I was going a month before.). It's how I got married in India in the Himalayas (Because why not? A story for another time...).

These are the things that stick out in my head as dictating what I do and how I do it. These are the things that shape my work and my path through life. What about you? Leave a comment below or write a post and join the hop!

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Looking for a diversion this August? Be sure to check out P.J. MacLayne's books. If you like werewolves like I do, you might want to pick up a copy of WOLVES' PAWN. It explores werewolf social structure and has a love story, the kind of thing I love in paranormal!

Also be sure to read about MacLayne's Wyoming adventures. There are some super cool pics on her blog.

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An InLinkz Link-up

THRIVE Despite Loss: One Woman's Story

Yesterday an amazing person left this world. You may have met her, or maybe not. Anne was the kind of person who made friends everywhere because she did so much with every moment of her life. She did so much, helped so many, and was a model for living. She was a school nurse who was so important and irreplaceable, the school called her out of retirement. She volunteered at her church for her entire adult life, doing jobs no one else would do. She worked at a thrift store where all the proceeds went to people in need. She drove her shut-in friends around for errands. She made sure they had everything they needed, including love. She gave of her self and her resources to the community and also to her family. There was never too small an act. There was never too little material. There was never too little time.

She was and did all these things despite one major hole in her heart. She experienced the kind of loss from which it is impossible to ever really recover. In her prime of life, her family was halved. This loss, I knew, was never far from her mind and yet, she lived. She was a blessing everywhere she went. She was powerful and generous and gracious and good.

She was a superhero. Truly.

Everyone has those kinds of moments - of loss, abuse, poverty, emotional turmoil, spiritual crisis, or relational disconnect. They happen. They happen to everyone in one form or another. And when these moments happen, we can stay in that moment and stop living. We can wallow. We can spiral down. That is one choice.

The other option is to choose life. We can live fully, completely, every moment. We can give of ourselves. We can immerse ourselves in our communities. We can be a light in a difficult world. We can be superheroes.

While this process starts with a choice, sometimes it is hard to understand the next step. That is why I wrote THRIVE, not only so anyone would know the choice was theirs, but so they would have a model for how to transform their perspective, and therefore, their lives.

Do not let loss cloud your heart. Do not let an attack continue to hold power over you. Do not let walls prevent you from being who you were meant to be. You can be like Anne, the amazing woman who continues to leave her mark in the lives of those she touched. This is what I wish for you, to live fully no matter what you encounter in life. You can do it. You can thrive.

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There is still time to pre-order digital copies of THRIVE: HOW I BECAME A SUPERHERO and TRANSFORM TO THRIVE: 32 DAYS FROM VICTIM TO SUPERHERO! Order them today at the special pre-order price and save!

Or purchase them in paperback here! 

THRIVE Book Launch Week 9: Why Everyone Needs This Book

Despite suffering, I thrive.

THRIVE is radically different from anything I've written thus far. It is memoir - and a highly personal, highly revealing memoir at that. I share things about myself in THRIVE that I have not shared to any single person, with one exception.

Christian is the one person who knew the whole story - every detail and emotional reaction.

My friends and family knew pieces, but not everything. They learned everything the first time they read the book.

And it is not an easy read. It is painful. It was painful to write. Up until this point, I have hinted but not stated explicitly. Here I will explain why. The following is just a taste of the contents of THRIVE:

• I was molested as a toddler by an older boy.
• I suffered overt misogyny and abuse at the hands of boys while growing up, even as I suffered silently with the aftereffects of my molestation.
• I was so ill in a third world country, I brushed death.
• I suffered every kind of attack a woman can suffer - stalking, following at night, verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. I was also raped by a friend in college.
• I lived in possibly the worst apartment in the developed world, which was sold to Christian and I as a reasonable place to start married life (think: no AC in a bombed out section of Phoenix and you begin to get the picture).
• I was unemployed for more of my adult life than not, including a time when multiple student loans were coming due.
• I suffered homelessness right after giving birth to my son, and struggling to accept unrealized expectations - the American Dream was my American Nightmare.

This is not everything. This is just a peek at what THRIVE contains. The book is graphic. It is not an easy read. And yet... I lived through these things and more (for details, you need to get a copy). You would never know it if I didn't tell you.

I have done so much more with my life. I am so much more than the difficulties I've experienced. And that is what this book is about. It is about using these difficult things - taking the bad and ugly, along with the good, and becoming more than before.

That is why I wrote the book. I chose to reveal these difficult, painful things, because I could not stand one more person getting blamed for their suffering. I could not stand to sit by, watching people around me not understanding the depths of pain that any person might experience, despite their station in life. I couldn't stand watching others ruined by difficulties. How could I let someone else struggle longer than they needed to when I could show them a way to not only manage, but harness their suffering? How could I stand by when I had strategies and tools at my disposal that could make a difference in the lives of individuals and their communities?

I couldn't. I couldn't any longer. I want my legacy to be something my son can take pride in - that will be a force for positive change in the world. To do that, I had to lay myself bare. I made myself vulnerable. And I know my life flies in the face of what many people think is reality. Which is exactly why I had to write THRIVE - because people have to know. Everyone needs to understand what is possible - both the levels of hidden suffering, and the potential power gained through such experience.

So please, for yourself, for your community, for your friends who have not yet broken their silence - read this book. It will open your eyes.

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LAUNCH UPDATE

Last week was big for me. I got a lot of big things accomplished.

• Published THRIVE in paperback.
• Published TRANSFORM TO THRIVE in paperback.
• Updated my author website.
• Finished revamped covers of Books 1-3 in KHLOE ALWELL series.
• Drew cover drawing for Book 4 in KHLOE.
• Finished coverart for Book 4.
• Published 2nd edition of THE BROTHERS on Smashwords.
• Published 2nd edition of LOVERS AND RIVALS on Smashwords.
• Blogged.
• Uploaded link to Patreon.
• Got 75% revamp of LILITH done.
• Pitched articles related to THRIVE to 2 different sites.
• Wrote and submitted guest post to a blog, set to go live in early July.
• Researched possibilities for audio books.

This week I would like to:

• Submit some more posts related to THRIVE
• Confirm when I need to follow up with people/media about pitches being accepted.
• Finish LILITH revamp and publish 2nd edition.
• Publish 2nd edition of KHLOE books to Amazon.
• Review potential publicist relationship.
• Pitch a guest post about women in fantasy.
• Get social media campaign figured out.
• Time to get videos done...about THRIVE?
• Blog
• Patreon

I hope this is another big week. I had a bit of down time over the weekend, and now I'm ready to jump back into the fray. I'm anxious to dig in.

Why I Love Khloe Alwell, and You Should Too

During my launch of THRIVE, I started the process of revamping - or rather rewriting - my Khloe Alwell series.

I fell in love all over again.

I had forgotten how rich and complex the books are. I forgot the nitty gritty of all the characters. I forgot how damn sexy the boys are. Like...really. I forgot how much I totally love Laran.

In talking with a friend about my love of Laran, she grinned.
"Have you ever heard Anne Rice talk about Lestat?" she asked, twisting her lips.
"No," I said, raising my brows.
"You talk about Laran the way she talks about Lestat. Like, you really love him." Her eyes sparkled and I grinned sheepishly.
"Laran is my dream man. If they ever did a TV or movie adaptation of these books, I might have problems. My marriage might be in trouble. I mean, I think I might fall in love with Laran. I might forget the poor guy was just an actor."

And it's true. But the other guys are nothing to sniff at. I mean, I love them all for different reasons. All my characters are family to me. But Laran is... something else.

And because I love him, love all of them, I had to publish a second edition. I didn't do the best job I could have when I first published these books, so I went back. Hopefully I'm doing my characters justice. I want readers to fall in love with Khloe. To hate her attackers, get angry with her, to bite their lips as she yearns, and to cringe as she tries to reject with grace. I want them to ache when Laran enters a scene. To grumble with Constantine. To saunter with Freyr. I want them to glow with Dani.

I want readers to get bloody and bothered and caught up.

This is why I am so pleased that second editions of THE BROTHERS and LOVERS AND RIVALS are now for sale on Smashwords (and soon after on all major online retailers).

If you haven't explored Khloe yet, I invite you dive in, see humanity as you've never seen it. Explore climate change in a way that you never imagined. See myth, faith, love, sex, and high school in a wild story of self-discovery and empowerment that shows what girls are made of - the stuff of legend.

Birth of A Siren

Every day I ache, a wretched invisible ache. My wounds are hidden from view unless I choose to share them. Unless I reveal them, no one ever knows. No one ever sees. And they have no idea how painful it is to hear, to read their opinions – thoughts that deny my experience. Ideas that mock my life. That mock my ache.

How many ways can a woman suffer at the hands of men? Sometimes it feels like my life is an attempt to answer this question. Pick a chapter of my life, and I will show you. I spin around, eyes closed, and throw a dart. Find another way. Find another wound.

The beginning was so early. A toddler. A hidden memory. A dream? And it left its marks all over me. I never trusted adults, especially men. I didn't trust my own family members. I didn't trust boys. Any volatility was a sign to steer clear. Every action, from avoiding the toilets outside of teachers' sight at school, to walking home a block away from a group of boys, it was all calculated defense.

Stay invisible. Stay safe. Stay outside of reach. I won't get hurt – again.

But the stage was set. Another boy, another time, bent on abusing his power. And I gave mine away. I gave it away because I didn't know I had it. I didn't know who I was yet. So I took his scathing tongue. I took his sharp hand. I let him tear me down, as if it was okay, as others watched, doing nothing. Doing nothing because they didn't know better? Doing nothing because they agreed? Why doesn't matter.

Followed walking home. Anonymous letters. Laced drinks at a party. Betrayed by someone once trusted. Telling and no one believes me. No one knows what to do. No one knows how to act. No one knows what to say.

It must be my fault, right? I must have done something. I must have deserved all this. Because I wasn't dressed in Kevlar. Because I wasn't carrying a taser. Because I didn't kick him in the balls when he was sitting with me and my friends at lunch, smiling, and joking like we're all good here. Because I should have known that everyone close to me is a potential attacker. I should have hid my body even more...somehow suppressed the intense curves I was born to have. I should have… I should have… I should have…

And I am alone.

I call into the chaos, speaking truth and a thousand poisonous daggers point back.

I'm too mean. I'm a bitch. I'm too sexy. I'm a whore. I'm too pretty. I'm a slut. I'm too vocal. I'm annoying. I'm too smart. I'm wrong. I'm too much.

I'm a woman.

I'm monstrous feminine.

Despite the hidden scars I carry, the pain I feel when reading denials of my experience, I stand here. I stand, with natural armor, acquired through my battles. My skin is beautiful, perfect for withstanding any siege. I smile, baring teeth, my threat plain. I stand, proclaiming truth, defying the chaos. And my power whips about me, a hurricane beating against blind shores. I walk, back straight, head high. I wield my ache like a battle cry, a siren's call into the void.

Hear me!

Hear me sisters!

Our time is now.

Claim your power.

Claim your right.

Speak.

Stand.

Fight.

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If you want to learn more about my story and how I gained my perfect armor, reserve a copy of my book THRIVE: HOW I BECAME A SUPERHERO. To follow a crash course of my process, reserve a copy of TRANSFORM TO THRIVE: 32 DAYS FROM VICTIM TO SUPERHERO. 

Who Never Read 50 Shades

Recently there has been a war in social media about 50 SHADES. I have a theory about why.

For the most part there are three groups in this fight. The first says the book is poorly written but entertaining drivel. They say it has nothing wrong. There were no rape scenes. It wasn't abusive. It's just erotica etc etc.

Then there are others who read it and hated it not because of the writing quality necessarily, but because of the message communicated to women and girls about BDSM and sexual relationships.

The most extreme warriors in this battle are those who never read the book and will not see the movie. These are the people who have started Twitter campaigns and written editorials. These are the people who unfollow and unfriend fans.

I think the first group has lived in blissful ignorance of the experiences of the other two. The fans cannot have experienced physical abuse or sexual violence and comfortably enjoy these books. How can you read about someone getting hit or humiliated or dominated and feel comfortable if you experienced sexual violence or physical abuse yourself? Maybe these fans have never experienced overt misogyny. They don't know what it is like to be told, in no uncertain terms, that they are worthless because they have a vagina. Whatever the case, they have seemingly gone through life unscathed.

The second group, my guess, has had some abuse experience either through friends or family, or directly to a mild amount. They have suffered at the hands of someone with more power. They have experienced or watched someone else suffer through something. They are allies to those who have bore the brunt of the abusive statistics and they recognize the connections between popular entertainment and the normalizing of such behavior.

The last group, the anti-fans, are the ones we really need to pay attention to. These are the people we need to take the time to understand and empathize with. These are our canaries in the coal mine. I believe these are the most likely to have suffered directly. They are the ones who were manipulated, molested, beaten, or raped. They are the ones who were stripped of their power by someone they trusted. They were the ones who have been told by society it was their fault. They are the ones who discovered the very people closest to them would not come to their aid when they were abused.

When I was younger I was told by a friend, the people who are most sensitive, most outspoken about abuse, are those who have experienced something directly. Let's consider the statistics. 1 in 3 women will be sexually or physically abused in their life time. That is ONE BILLION WOMEN. Of the women alive today, one billion of them have or will be abused physically or sexually.

That's a lot of people.

Think about your Facebook feed. Think about your friends. Think about your Twitter, G+, and Instagram followers. Think about the people you grew up with. How many of them reacted poorly to this book? The movie? Maybe they were impacted directly by abuse. It is possible. It is likely.

Statistically you know someone who has been raped. You know someone who was molested. You know someone who was beaten. You know someone who was verbally abused. You probably know many someones. Just because it happened doesn't mean they would tell you. Don't assume you were judged to be a safe person. These are the things we don't talk about. These are things society says are shameful.

So if you are a fan of this infamous piece of pulp, think about what it tells those people, what they hear out of your mouth: I am not safe. I am not going to protect you. I stand with your abuser.

And all you thought you said was, "It was a fun Saturday read."

Total Equality: A Feminist Manifesto

Recently Obama called for the American legislature to require equal pay for equal work. There have been a lot of conversations about that.

I would argue his call is premature, not because I don't want that. I do. I absolutely completely do. I just think the problem is bigger than that.

You can't eradicate a symptom if you don't cure the disease. The disease, in this case, is sexism, and it is pandemic. The body politic is infested with this horrible, debilitating illness. And we need a cure. We can treat the symptoms, but they will keep coming back in one way or another, until we address the illness as a whole.

It is for this reason I wrote and published TOTAL EQUALITY. I don't think people realize how pervasive sexism is in America. I don't think people realize how damaging it is, how painful it is, as a woman, to be systematically disregarded over and over again (my brown skinned friends know this very well, and I empathize with that hot mess because there is a lot of overlap). I wrote this because I wanted it to be absolutely clear, in one place, easily understood, just what is required for women to be equal to men.

Obama is right. It should happen now. It has been a long time. But let's be clear - this is still a big task, especially when America won't admit there is a problem in the first place.

Why Accusations of Rape are Always True

I cannot - cannot - stand hearing or reading one more person defending a rapist. I don't care how nice the person was to you. I don't care how good of a parent they were. THEY RAPED SOMEONE.

Rape is the worst crime a human being can commit against another. Defending a rapist is therefore worse than defending a murderer. Why? No one died, you might say. There are many reasons why rape is worse than murder.

No one blames a murder victim. People are willing to talk about murder. They're willing to openly commiserate with surviving family members. They are willing to condemn the murderer's actions. Obviously, murder is a horrible crime that leaves a terrible hole in a community. Of course, someone who commits such an act needs to face justice. But people heal. People and communities are allowed to heal.

But rape? What happens with rape?

No one talks about it.

No one.

And when someone does... that person is shunned. They are shamed. They are adamantly disbelieved. They are blamed for bringing the violation on themselves. They are told they put themselves in a vulnerable place, you know, by trusting someone they knew to treat them with respect (like normal people do all the time!!!). Because of course, most rapists are people known by the victim.

Then, when an accusation is made, which without DNA evidence is damn hard to PROVE IN COURT, society at large decides she is lying (I say she because most rape victims are female), because, of course, the victim is trying to tarnish this good man's name (most rapists are male) by putting this on a record somewhere.

And then the community rushes in to defend this scum who thought it was acceptable to put his penis in someone's vagina or anus or mouth without their consent.

That is what we're talking about here. Not only are we talking about defending someone who is putting a person at risk for physical trauma such as tissue damage, unwanted pregnancy, and virulent diseases, but also the much more painful and long lasting trauma of total distrust. How can someone ever trust anyone again? When you have been raped by a friend, family member, colleague, or partner how is it possible to trust a person? To have healthy relationships with other people?

This violation continues to impact every single person a rape victim comes into contact with because it necessarily shapes how they view other people. It necessarily impacts communities much more than murder because it continues to impact people throughout the life of the victim. Rape therefore, is absolutely worse than murder because the wound continues, may be reopened, and may fester.

A rape victim has nothing to gain by breaking their silence for a public accusation. If they are lucky they will find legal justice. And that is if they have DNA evidence and or witnesses. Breaking silence is a painful, difficult thing for a victim because society tends to disbelieve and blame rape victims.

So what does that mean? It means that absolutely, every single time a person makes an accusation of rape, it happened. Maybe it didn't happen exactly how it is portrayed, through a combination of PTSD, drugs, or alcohol, but it did happen.

Rape is not something the mind makes up. It is not easy to talk about in a culture where women are devalued, objectified, and used. It is not easy to come forward and break silence. So, the next time you read about someone being raped, defend them. They are more brave than you can possibly imagine. They are more powerful than we give them credit for, because they did one thing that society hates.

They told the truth.

We Cannot Rest: Claiming Our Birth Right

I have been a little busy with my writing sample. Now that I am finally finished and have sent off the first doctoral application, I can take a little break before getting on with the next. Thus it is a perfect time for a post...

In my research for my paper I discovered something: the world remains stacked against women. I was astounded at how incredibly pervasive this stacking truly is. Yes it is also stacked against minority groups and the poor, but of course, you can be any combination of these and be female. Still, minorities and low socioeconomic groups are seen as marginalized. The problem with sexism is its invisibility.

Apparently having a vagina means you cannot make as much money. It means you are less likely to get a raise or be promoted. It means you are more likely to be attacked - verbally, physically, and sexually. It means you are told repeatedly by society from every conceivable avenue that you are less, despite many people claiming this isn't so (even as their actions say otherwise).

The day when "cunt" and "dick" have the same connotation - when a man is not seen as "feminine" when he chooses stay home because his female partner prefers to work - is not yet here. The day when on site day care is so common it is expected is not yet here. The day when it there are just as many women as men in positions of authority is not yet here. The day when imprisoned mothers are given the possibility of being mothers to their children is not yet here. The day when we don't have to be afraid for our daughters' safety is not yet here. The day when women control their reproductive lives is not yet here.

Until that day arrives, we cannot rest.

We must stand up. We must join hands with those of like vision - those seeking justice - giving voice to the voiceless. We must call on the power that only women wield and stand with our friends, neighbors, and family who see a better way.

We cannot rest. This is FAR from over. Our birth right awaits. The call goes out. Will you answer?

The Crazy American Commenter Guy

If you are going to market yourself, do it intelligently.

If you are going to argue, argue intelligently.

But if you want to be spectacularly bad at both, then be ready.

I say this because I recently received a comment moderation request for my last post by an anonymous person (who left their website link...so real anonymous). It was so strange because my last post was about hanging out with my husband and my child and then my upcoming performance with my father. You know, it wasn't political or hyper feminist in the least. And then I got this comment request by a person with a website that is devoted to boycotting American women...because apparently we're just the worst.

I've included the comment text below interspersed with comments by myself, directed to Mr. Anonymous (who I have not identified because I just can't bring myself to visit his website).

"I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?"

Well, sir...I find it strange that you decided to comment on my blog which is written by an American woman who has never cheated, or divorced, can cook gourmet meals (and enjoys to), likes a clean house (Thanks to my American mother), and has one child already (would like to have another at some point). It would seem not only is your comment placed on an inappropriate post of mine (which highlighted all these things), but also that you thought my readers would be interested in such drivel. You did no research.

"American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least."

A group cannot be pigeonholed in this manner. I, for one, was regularly complimented on my wisdom beyond my years from many people. As to selfishness, I think you'll find generally motherhood makes one a bit unselfish (there is always someone who comes first). To my own case, I was brought up in the Church where I was taught to stand up for people and take care of people in need. One of my degrees emphasized non profit service in an effort for social change. I hardly think that kind of interest is "selfish" or "irresponsible." To be able to complete something like this, one needs to be very organized and have a clear mind. Unstable is not a word that applies.

I have no idea what unchaste means. Do you mean having sex at all? Loose? Promiscuous? Enjoying the bodily gifts one has been given by God? Seeing as I've only been in monogamous relationships in hopes of securing a serious attachment (which I did and have been in for almost 8 years) I hardly think this applies.

"This blog [I have not included the link because...why?] is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women."

Sir, remember Americans are the products of many cultures. We are a nation of immigrants. If anything, this has given us many wonderful cultural elements that are unique to America and should be celebrated. That said, it is a huge country with many distinct cultures. People in New York, for example, are quite different from those in Oklahoma. And people from the city are quite different from those in rural areas. This diversity is interesting, exciting, and beautiful. It also means you cannot talk about Americans as a single homogenous group. We defy stereotyping.

I have lived abroad in many countries and can say that women abroad are just as likely to be selfish, crazy, promiscuous, incapable of cooking or cleaning, and uninterested in motherhood. These traits are not something that can be attributed to a single nation, but to people anywhere.

Also most straight American men, like straight American women, like sex. They like love and relationships generally. American men are not going to boycott them. Geographic opportunity forbids it. The only other option would be mail-order brides which is such a weighty conversation that I would have to write an entire other blog post!

It is clear from your comments sir, that you have been hurt by someone. Maybe you weren't asked out or were rejected repeatedly. Maybe you're insecure about your own abilities. Maybe you had an idea in your head as to what you think all people and relationships should be and someone didn't live up to your standards. Maybe you just watched a little too much TMZ, MTV, and Fox and concluded American women were wretched from this limited portrayal. Whatever the case may be, it is clear to me you need help from a certified counselor, and possibly evaluated by a psychiatrist. At the very least you should consult a religious leader in your community about your attachment to this resentment fuelled anger you have decided to broadcast across the internet.

Either that, or you are an amazing troll, in which case well done. I laughed loud and long and heartily enjoyed writing this blog post. Thank you so much for this excellent diversion! I am sure my readers enjoyed it as much as I did!

Misandry, Misogyny, and The Third Way

I am a feminist and... I love men.

WHAAAAAT?!?! I can hear some misandrist somewhere shaking her fist and shouting obscenities.

Blasphemer!

Heretic!

Except it isn't. I think it's safe to say that most women love men. They love their fathers. They love their brothers. They love their sons, partners, husbands, and friends. There are quite a lot of men in our lives that we love.

I think it's pretty safe to say that most women also want respect, because we're people and people want respect. We want the ability to control our lives and have our choices, feelings, and values honored.

These things should not be controversial, news, or rocket science. They are common sense.

That all said, I understand why there are women out there who hate men. I get that. I get the personal experience that is so incredibly hurtful it shades your perspective on every person to the point of essentialism. I can understand why an abused woman would hate her abuser, or anyone with qualities reminding her of that person. I understand why someone would hate her attacker, and anyone with similar qualities. It makes sense to me, but it also is something that I believe everyone needs to move past.

I am not someone saying "just get over your hurt." That is not what I mean at all. I mean to say we need to be different. We cannot act like oppressors pointing to a whole group of people and claim they are all exactly alike. That is preposterous. I would be angry if someone said all women were X or Y (hee hee) so how can I do the same thing to another group?

I also recognize there are still a lot of insecure men out there who continue to perpetuate sexual inequality and that situation isn't something we as women can just "get over." That said, we cannot make choices based out of fear, anger, or hatred. This is the way down a spiral of pain and despair.

Instead, let us honor ourselves and our fellow humans by acting out of compassion, wisdom, and justice. Whatever feminist actions we take, let them be informed by these three values, for if we do not, then we are no better than misogynists.

It is time for us to reclaim feminism from hatred and reassert it's original purpose - equality for all. This is neo-feminism - one that transcends misandry and allows for men supportive of the women in their lives to rejoin the movement. As a woman married to a man, who bore a son, I'd like feminism to welcome them with open arms, so they can work beside the women they love for a brighter tomorrow.

I Need a Writing Sample!

Oh. My. God.

I'm screwed.

Okay, not screwed, but pretty up a creek.

I discovered, finally, that I do not actually have copies of any of my academic work...anywhere.

You see, my laptop that I used for all my academic work fried in the Phoenician heat about 6 years ago. I don't recall if any of the documents were saved during the death pangs of that limping machine. If they were, I haven't the foggiest where I might find such documents.

And of course, I need a 15 page writing sample to submit with my applications.

I won't lie - this was quite a blow to my tenuous calm. I'm this close (picture pinched index finger and thumb) to calling it quits. Okay, not at all. Instead, I will have to write a new essay and complete it in a timely manner. The biggest hurdles to this proposition are the following:

1. The fact that I haven't written an academic paper in over 6 years (minor in the grand scheme of things).
2. The fact that I don't have a specific essay prompt/direction for said paper (kind of a problem).
3. The fact that I will have to scrounge together the time to do this 15 page paper (all nighters? up at 5 AM? Insomnia is my friend!)...
4. and of course it will need to have cited supportive evidence in APA format.

Bleh.

So, with this looming in my immediate future...anyone have any ideas as to essay topics? My current idle thoughts are:

• Feminine power (battles over birth)
• Female identity (transitioning from woman to wife to mother)
• Religion and women (this would likely require the most citations and research) - focused on women in Christianity
• Informal (possibly v formal) education and credibility in pregnancy, birth, and parenthood. 

Weigh in below! Also, consider if it is really a good piece/topic...I'll submit it to a site or journal to get published (because why not!).

Apply Where You Will

Last Monday I took my GRE. I was nervous about it. Not about the test - I figure you are as ready as you can be by the time it comes around. No. I was comfortable with how much I prepared.

Rather I was nervous about what it meant.

Having taken this test, I was officially committed to an idea - the idea of attending graduate school and everything that means. In my case, it means moving across the country.

There are no programs in California that interest me. None. When I began looking at things it became clear I was going to have to move far. The schools to which I am applying are all well past the Rockies and each in very different segments of the country. Each of them is scary for one reason or another.

One is Lesotho in the middle of South Africa...or an island in shark infested waters...whichever metaphor you prefer. Either way, it makes me nervous.

Another is in Flatland, coated in vanilla and sprinkled with a dash of whiteness. I get bored thinking about it.

The third is a dream. It just happens to be in Siberia where the sun never shines and the houses have second story doors opening out to seasonal 9 foot snow drifts.

This is my current feeling, though it may be misplaced, delusional, or just wrong. Whatever the case, these are the pictures I have constructed around each school. They are all good schools, and each one is perfectly positioned to help me achieve my goals. I am confident that I would do well at any of them. Of course I have a first choice and my heart tells me that is where I belong, but there are other prospective students. There are other applications.

And I have to submit mine just like everyone else to be carefully scrutinized.

This brings me to my next steps: personal statements, transcripts, recommendations, and curricula vitae.

Time to research so I can make my application as attractive as possible. Because this is happening. I am moving across the country. It is the right thing for me to do and I won't let anything stop me. I am committed.

Until All Are Equal - Feminism

The internet is full of fail. It allows idiocy to multiply like a virus and collect into little pools of festering infection. First, let me remind everyone: USE YOUR CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS. It is always a good idea to consider arguments thoughtfully especially if they are well structured and supported by sufficient evidence, regardless of your own opinion.  This is how we learn and grow and that is always a good thing.

Always consider a situation and the definition of the words being applied. Does the situation actually fit the words being applied? Or is the person making statement after statement with malapropisms? In other words, does this person actually know what he or she is talking about?

Just saying.

Now to brass tacks.

Let's remind one another, ladies and gentlemen, why FEMINISM is not the "F word." Feminism is not MAN-HATING or "Feminazism." That is female chauvinism and NOT the same thing (I think we all agree chauvinism is bad...equality is good). Let's also remind one another that FEMINISM is about a set of ideals - a philosophy and a movement. It is about EQUALITY in PUBLIC and PRIVATE spaces for EVERYONE.

If a woman has NOT experienced discrimination or violence because she is a woman, I can only attribute this to one of three things: sheer luck, lack of life experience and/or exposure to the world (i.e. too young), or obliviousness to her own situation and those of women around her.

If a man has not witnessed or met a woman who was discriminated against or attacked because of her vagina, then he can only be too young or oblivious (not asking the right questions or "calling a spade a spade" as it were).

Women, you need feminism because

1. You like being able to vote.
2. You like being able to drive.
3. You like being able to have your opinion weigh the same as someone who has a penis.
4. You like being able to choose if and when you want to be a mother.
5. You like government protected parental leave.
6. You enjoy being able to work...in any industry and any organization.
7. You enjoy making it to upper management (or at least having the possibility to).
8. You like being able to go to college and study whatever you want to achieve whatever goals you have.
9. You want to be able to get the same wage for the same work as someone with a penis.
10. You enjoy being able to wear pants, shorts, skirts, and pretty much anything you want at any time ANYWHERE - seriously... think Saudi Arabia people.
11. You enjoy being taken seriously. Seriously.
12. You want to be seen as a person, as opposed to a walking vagina to be possessed or used.
13. There are still women in this world who do not have access to all the  the above mentioned things.
14. Daycare is still not provided by all employers.
15. Women who take themselves out of the workforce during childbearing years have a difficult time being hired after. 
16. Women are still not trusted to know how to give birth in the US and around the world.
17. Women are still not allowed control over their reproduction in the US and globally.
18. Women are more likely to be the victims of sexual abuse (3 in 10) than  men (1 in 10).
19. Women are much more likely to experience violence at the hands of their partners than men.
20. Women worry about being physically safe with men. Men don't feel that way about women.
21. When saying that someone abused you sexually, society is predisposed to call you a liar and an opportunist unless there is physical proof.
22. "Cunt" is still worse than "dick."
23. "Whore" is a slur. "Pimp" is a compliment.
24. Women are less likely to vote for a female candidate to office.
25. We have been so conditioned by the idea that we can't do certain things that WOMEN REINFORCE the status quo.

Men need feminism because

1. Men can't stay home if they want to (without worrying about societal pressure and stigma).
2. Men like parental leave.
3. Daycare is still not provided by employers.
4. Imbalanced power dynamics foster resentment and subversion by the less powerful.
5. Men (and women) want whole, supported partners.
6. Having an empowered partner means a happier relationship (Ever met someone who had control over their own life who was upset about it? Really?).
7. Men need to know how to be male without being violent or aggressive towards women (read: television, video games, movies, and popular music).
8. Men need to be able to explore their own identities and roles (son, husband, father etc).
9. Diversity of perspective leads to innovation which can lead to better solutions (i.e. dialectics).
10. Everyone is more productive when they are supported and empowered (Think of your sisters, wives, mothers, and daughters here.).

All feminists are not the same, but saying that we don't need feminism is like saying we don't need to worry about racial equality. Sorry, but there is still a whole lot of racism in the US and the world, and there is STILL a lot of sexism in the world.

We definitely need feminism.

You Don't Deserve Anything

I'm glad that some people have framed this whole mess as an act of violence against women. I'm glad that people have recognized this as an issue of privilege and delusional expectations.

I am thankful it is causing discussions about handguns yet again and about the psychological states of our youth. I am glad of those things.

If the disturbed young man involved in this horror was in fact a sociopath (which I think is safe to say he is an "unsuccessful sociopath" judging by the transcription of his video) he could not have been rehabilitated. All the therapy about misplaced mommy rage would have no impact. If on the other hand, it was a case of entitlement - i.e. he should be able to have anything he wants whenever he wants, including women, there may have been the possibility of redemption.

Though I personally believe this kid was a sociopath, I think his language speaks to a greater issue that impacts not only the criminally insane or mentally disturbed, but all young people. That is the issue of entitlement, specifically male entitlement.

I find it to be profoundly disturbing that entitlement can go this far. It makes me think of how I want to raise my son and how many in younger generations expect certain things to be handed to them. Fair warning, I may offend you (especially if you have been spoiled, sheltered, or have weirdly thin skin).

For these lovely entitled individuals and all parents everywhere (please talk about these things with your kids if you haven't already) I have this to say :

1. You don't always get what you want. Even if you have a trust fund.
2. Other people are not objects to be used and discarded at will.  They are people with dreams, thoughts, goals, and desires all their own.
3. Other people have thoughts and feelings which are completely unconnected to whatever your issues might be.
4. Other people's feelings have value that is equal to yours. This means they deserve respect, even if they are the opposite to yours.
5. If no one likes you, it's not their problem. It's yours.
6. If you ask someone out and they say no, you can ask them why. If it has to do with one of your personal character flaws, guess what? You can choose to change it, or let it be.
7. You do not deserve anything except what you earn for yourself. If someone decides to give you something, it is a gift and should be received with gracious humility.
8. If you want to change a situation, first examine yourself. What would you need to do in order to make something happen that you want? Decide what those things are and do them.
9. Don't whine. You have no right to whine unless you've tried to change your situation.
10. You're not inherently special. Get over yourself.

I'm Not Beautiful

"You look beautiful tonight."

This could be a compliment, or it could be condescension.

Does a woman appreciate this compliment when she just spent an hour on her appearance for a date? Of course. But what about when she just gave a speech? Sang a song? Performed in a play? Taught a class? Created an art piece? Solved an equation? Invented a life-saving mechanism? Won a court case?

How disparaging is that comment now? How belittling? When I hear a man (because 9 times out of 10 it is a man) saying this, I cringe.

Why is it that appearance trumps accomplishment? Beauty fades. It's gone in an instant. There's nothing a person does to be beautiful. You're born that way, or you're not. Money spent on lotions, pills, dyes, serums, and surgeries is wasted. They give limited success and only serve to make you feel even worse about yourself because they highlight things you can never have or ever get back.

Why congratulate someone on their beauty when they just accomplished something wonderful? Wouldn't the commenter's words be better suited to give specific compliments about the accomplishment rather than belittling the woman by referring to something she has little control over (despite what make-up PR campaigns would have you believe)?

When I do something big, be it publish my tenth book, win an Oscar, or receive a Fulbright, don't tell me that I look pretty no matter how fantastic I look. In that moment, I'm not beautiful. I'm accomplished. Congratulate me on that.

The Female Singer Songwriter

Monday night I had the opportunity to sing. These days I don't get to often, and this little showcase with Songwriters At Play served as a reminder of many of the things I consciously pulled away from.

I love performance. I love singing. It gives me great pleasure. Being in San Luis Obispo at Bon Temps was a pretty typical showcase experience. It was a weird location - weird because it's a creole restaurant attached to a Ramada Inn on California's Central Coast.

You can't make this stuff up.

The wait staff was exceptionally kind. Without having to ask, they brought us waters immediately. I don't know if that's just this restaurant's way of doing things for all clients - all I know is that often waiters don't bring musicians water. I was pleasantly surprised.

Our good music buddy Steve Key put together the group of performers. Being a part of one of Steve's lineups is always good because he makes a real effort to find a good mix of local talent as well as some interesting featured acts. It ends up feeling somewhere between an open mic and a paying concert (a great thing from a musician's perspective). They're always fun and musicians always feel supported there.

We tend to play early in these things, in part because we tag along at the last minute. This can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on the crowd and other acts. Bon Temps had a really sweet group and all the musicians were hanging out, which made things exceptionally supportive.

This was REALLY important to us because we recorded our performance (I'll throw a link or embed the video as soon as I check levels etc). Steve even let us do an extra song because we were so on (and took so little time - mostly because we don't talk in between songs).

The goal of the video is to use as a demo for potential gigs (and possibly other auditions??? Hmmm...). Considering our performance, my only real concern is the video quality (GoPro don't fail me now!).

Just People at Bon Temps

The featured act was a band from Portland (who look like they're from Portland if you know what I mean) called Just People. They had some good grooves and the two electric guitarists worked really well together. It was the kind of band my husband really enjoys (Too bad he missed it! Ha!). I wish I would have heard more of the lyrics however. I'm not sure if that was just the sound, the singer's vocals, or the songwriting. I'll have to listen to some recording to see...that said, for some old school ska influenced rock, it was a fun listen.

What did I remember that I left behind? Late nights and loud music. I love performing, but I also love my hearing. I don't know how I can balance those things. I'm just not sure. I'd like to be able to, but I don't know if I have the money for the technological innovation required.

I also love my baby. The whole time I was at the gig I was thinking of him. I'd like to do more performing, but how can I with a little baby at home who has the beginnings of separation anxiety? It's tough to balance these things and there are no easy choices.

Looking at the other performers it was clear I was in a very different place in life. They were single, probably childless, and comfortable traveling long hours in crowded vans. I'm married with a husband and very rooted. They sleep in hotels or vehicles or on couches while living out of a small duffel. I like my own bed and the choices my closet offers.

I couldn't help thinking of the Koles and what Arlene gave up to be a mom for 20 years. Of course, then she returned to music in a big way (amazing songwriter and musician) with her kids all grown up.

I think of my cousin, an opera singer, who has her life scheduled out years in advance. She's always on the road and sees her husband when she can. She would have to schedule a family and I don't know if she ever will.

These are the choices women performers make. These are the scales we have to balance. Men have more freedom in this situation and I'm both envious and not. I don't know if I even want that life, but I do like to dip my toe in every once in a while. Showcases like Monday night let me do just that.

Reclaiming The "F" Word

Sometime in the past year it became overwhelmingly clear that I am a feminist.

For a long time, "feminist" was an empowering word. Then, at some point in the 90s it became a badge of shame. It was right up there with "bitch" or "cunt." No one wanted to be called a feminist. Women would start sentences off with "I'm not a feminist but..." only to be followed by sentiments that were unequivocally feminist.

I don't think I ever started a sentence off that way because it seemed ridiculous to me. Then again, I wasn't really interested or concerned with labels at the time. I was more concerned about music, art, boys, and getting good grades (probably in that order) while "feminist" was busy becoming a bad word.

It was only when I went to college and began interacting with the world that I saw just how unequal the world really was. I realized that my mother, being ordained, was actually a rarity. I began to understand that I was not like other girls - I fought my way into classes full of men, earning respect and wrapping power about me like a cloak. I understood very quickly this was not because I was trying to subvert convention, but rather because I didn't know what I was doing was different.

My experiences of discrimination, by many accounts, were few and far between, though I watched as others around me suffered much different fates.

And sometime during that period of observation I grew up.

I realized just how extraordinary it was for a woman to have done the things I'd done, been invited to the places I'd been invited to, and accepted by groups that so rarely accepted people with my piping. I realized just how much further I might have gone had I been a man. I realized how much was still held above a glass ceiling, and what insidious tools society used to subvert and dismiss the ambitious of my sex.

It made me angry. And so I wrote. At first it was just little things - a main character who didn't whine and learned to take care of herself. Then it became bigger - addressing reproductive rights and the illogical conclusions many right-wing extremists would have us come to (these were short stories which I still hope to have accepted in magazines...the time to wait for submission and acceptance is considerable!).

It might have been my pregnancy that tipped me over the edge into owning the "f" word. When I realized that even times where women were practically worshiped, they became more trapped than ever by social expectations, corporate greed, and misplaced beliefs.

Yes. I'm sure that was it. I just couldn't stand the idea of someone else dictating how I should use my uterus and how it should be treated - especially someone who doesn't have one.

That is how I became a feminist.

Yes, it is still a dirty word. Sometimes it's probably more dirty than "cunt" and certainly dirtier than "bitch," which for some horrible reason has become acceptable to use by women about other women (similar to other derogatory words for other groups). But "feminist" cannot be waved away like "bitch." It is so much more empowered and intelligent than "cunt." The anger and aggression of a feminist is more sharply honed, more precise, and better prepared than these other dirty words. A feminist can influence minds, change attitudes, command respect, and if she wants, she can even take down a nation.

This is not the name given to someone who hates or who wishes for domination over men, but rather a person yearning for a new paradigm - a new way of life that allows partnership despite difference, and honors the unique powers that only women can wield.

Truly the "f" word is worth using and owning. It might be the most bad-ass a woman can be. If so, it seems ripe to start calling people out. Let us begin sentences with "I'm a feminist and..."

Zimmerman Proves Yet Again, Inequality is a Man's Game

http://www.thenation.com/blog/175260/white-supremacy-acquits-george-zimmerman

I've been reading article after article about the Zimmerman case and acquittal. There are a few things that strike me.

One is the overwhelming sense of being pigeon-holed. I, like many others I'm sure, don't want to be painted with the same brush as others who happen to share my skin color.

The other thing that sticks out to me is the similar (though structurally different) plights of women and people of color. While I may not be stalked and subsequently shot, I have been stalked and followed home - presumably with very different intentions by my would-be attacker.

The anxiety a black man feels (cited in the link above) is similar to a feeling I have every day as a woman. I have rarely if ever felt completely safe when stepping outside. I have to alter my habits in order to make sure I would not be sexually assaulted. I can't walk alone at night. I can't wear certain clothes. I can't go certain places alone, and others I can't go to at all - even with a male escort.

My words aren't given the same weight as many men's. My emotions are often attributed to hormonal imbalances or surges as opposed to being legitimate reactions to stimuli in my environment. I don't earn the same as men. I have to fight for the same employment positions as men. I don't get to have control over my body. I don't get the health care I need, despite the important human producing abilities that dictate special circumstances and care.

But there aren't riots over my situation. There aren't widespread protests and outrage when my sister dies from abortion complications. There aren't widespread Facebook statuses declaring the horrible inequality women still experience when a woman experiences injustice. It just isn't as important.

Women, society says, just aren't as important as men.

So while I empathize with the families involved in the regular failures of the justice system to be color-blind, I can't help but be a little annoyed.

People just don't seem to care as much about the half of the species that ensures we continue.

Wendy Davis, Abortion, Teens, and Literature

A lot of important things have happened this past week politically (both good and bad). One of the good things was the Wendy Davis filibuster, which effectively skyrocketed the Texas state senator to superhero status in the eyes of the pro-choice camp.

While the latter has mostly drawn attention to Ms. Davis' gumption, it has also put the spotlight on several other important and scary points. One being, of course, the recent underhandedness of the GOP to pass legislation that is against most people's interest (I say this piece impacts most because as far as I know, we women are still 51% of the population).

The other issue is of course, the one at the center of the debate - abortion and a woman's right to choose.

I am, and always have been pro-choice. Even after I became pregnant and I thought hard about how I would feel if my situation was different, I still came to the same conclusion; women should be able to choose. I came to this conclusion because I know that regardless of how we legislate this issue, there will always be women who want an abortion. If we make abortion illegal, there will always be women who will go to shady doctors, use coat hangers, drugs, or ask their boyfriends to beat them so they will miscarry or abort.

I also know, there are medical situations (both physical and psychological) that may require abortive intervention. I don't want any legislation in place that would criminalize such acts.

I don't want a man dictating what I can and can't do. My pregnancy has taught me, in a very tangible and real way, there are certain areas of human experience that are withheld from men. It only seems right that those who experience them get to make decisions about these things.

 There are so many other issues that surround the abortion debate - like foster care (Those unwanted babies go somewhere...), death row (If we're pro-life, shouldn't we be pro-life all the way?), war (same as the death row issue), quality of life (What happens to mom after the baby is born? Pro-birth isn't the same as pro-life!), and of course the philosophical question of when life begins (which as far as I know, no one can agree on).

These are complex issues that need to be considered. I think it's even more important that teens talk about these things because they are at the age where the lines are gray. Do parents get involved? Will they have access to contraception? That's why I wrote JEREMIAH. I wanted to give teens a way to talk about reproductive rights and to think about situations that could occur if they choose to be sexually active (which, let's face it, most of them will!). In a place and time when sex education isn't a guarantee and legislation is regularly proposed that restricts access to reproductive health care, something has to step up to the plate and get people talking. People like Wendy Davis help, but so does literature.

Are there any books that have forced you to think about difficult issues? Sparked new perspectives? Encouraged you to consider something different? Please let me know with a comment!