Tuesday, November 23, 2010


I woke up in the early morning hours wondering what I'm doing. It's not that I don't want to live in Hayward or that I don't love my husband, my cat, or even like my apartment. I do. And I like teaching art. I like writing, even when half the things I write, my stories and novels, are somewhat sad if not depressing. Okay, the YA novel isn't, but PR is necessarily. Even so, writing is a pleasure. Still with these things in my life, when I woke up, I had the distinct feeling of abject despair.

I think I can make it, writing, if I keep at it. That's not where the despair comes from. No, my despair ismuch deeper than a superficial need for fame, glory, or even the success of several things being published. Fundamentally, my despair comes from the feeling I don't contribute anything to the world, that I have no purpose for being here, no reason to continue in my attempt to make it. Obviously, I can have the internal logical dialog and say that yes, my husband and cat need me, but everyone else? The sad thing is, I'm alone up here. My student would miss me. That's the long and short of it.

Perhaps that's unfair. Other people have schedules. They don't have time for people. They don't have time for friends. It's not that they don't want to, it is that jobs and travel times, the obligations of modern life really don't allow for it. Not unless you're already working with the person can you spend fifteen minutes drinking a latte or laughing over the present governmental mishap. And I can't impose myself on them. I can't do it. I can't bring myself to make contact, in part because of my present state, and in part because I feel like they don't want me to. Does that make me less than proactive? That I can't pick up the phone or drop a line? Because I can't deal with being the annoying needy friend, regardless of whether or not that is actually the case.

So I'm left to my thoughts. Alone. All day. Everyday. You see the problem here. And how can I get out of this vicious spiral of despair? I don't know. I can't get a job, which only increases my despair. I don't have any interest in cleaning my apartment, which increases my despair. Sometimes I can't force myself to get out of my pajamas or eat more than hot chocolate, V8, and some toast (okay, I am eating these days, but there was some time when I wasn't). You see how it feeds on itself like some sick eternal wyrm. Blech.

Yet, even with no way out, I continue to make the attempt. It seems futile, infantile. But still, I get my workout things together and pump some iron. I eat vegetables and take vitamins. I pet Java, feed her, and let her cuddle up to me. I make cookies with Christian. Life goes on. The wheel turns. My hope is I won't get any more like Job, that the wheel will turn again and I will be free. One can hope.

I think the next thing is to volunteer somewhere. Since I'm not working, it doesn't matter as long as the gas it takes to get there isn't too much. I may as well do something with my time. Someone needs a warm body. Here I am. What else am I going to do?
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  1. I feel like I should have so much to say here. But, it eludes me for the time being! I will say that I understand. I mean, I have two young children, but it's not the same as adult companionship. But, Alexis, just do it. If they are busy, that sucks, but at least you tried! It is a viscous cycle. Sitting in a messy apartment really can kill a decent mood. I've felt the same. i can't find the motivation to clean. I am getting there now b/c I am at a "breaking point" Do or Die!
    Well, you know, you'll get your writing out there and that is a huge contribution to the world. No matter what you write about. if someone can lose themselves in your story, forget their own problems.. think of how a great book makes you feel. That is an amazing gift you have to give. Don't take it for granted!!!

  2. Intellectually, I know that I am doing things, and honestly it was just that creeping sense that particular morning when I woke up. The thing is, most people don't talk about it. They don't mention this feeling they have, because that would be difficult. Someone might think they're going off the deep end. But the truth is, everyone has it at one point in time or another. It ends. My situation will be better (hell my situation already is better - thank you dumbbells!). I know that. Everyone who has lived a coupe decades knows that. Fake it til you make it mentality and all that jazz. It'll happen. You just need a little faith, and maybe the sun to come out once in a while.