To be completely honest, I had a total breakdown earlier this week. There was sobbing, statements made that I'd rather never repeat, and admissions that at another time in life may have only brought me down. I have long suffered the curse of self-doubt, self-deprecation, and many other wretched things.
I'm done. Well, at least for the foreseeable future.
I've been reinvigorated.
How, you're asking? Maybe you're thinking, I too have suffered these awful things and worse - much worse. My first world problems are the worst of anyone I know! Yes yes. I understand, and I am happy to share my secret. It came with a confession - the ultimate confession.
Currently, I hate my life.
I'll give you the rundown, not to make this into a pity party, but rather to be entirely factual and clear about where I'm coming from.
- I live with my parents - an increasingly common situation these days.
- I stay at home with my baby - granted he's a sweetheart, but I'm not exactly the stay at home type.
- I have very few friends (if I can say any) outside my family in my current location.
- I struggle to complete my writing goals, and compared to many, have a long way to go.
- I am not currently, nor have I ever worked in my field of study.
- Between my husband and I, we have a mountain of student loan debt.
- My husband works in an industry that does not pay well, despite the high level of expertise and responsibility required of him.
- I am not anywhere near the level of success I envisioned for myself as a younger person.
To my great pleasure, it had the opposite effect.
Rather than dragging me down, it spurred me forward. It was a bit like living in that wretched apartment in Phoenix complete with termites, roaches, no working fridge or AC. I did that for 6 months. You see, I hated that apartment so much, I bought a house. Granted there were other issues with that, but I got the house I wanted and I loved that house while living the remainder of my time in Phoenix.
And that experience illustrates something else; high pressure wretchedness motivates me. It makes me want things - want things so badly I'll do anything to get what I want. So I will.
That's the key to all those crazy self-development books. Nothing else really matters. When you want something bad enough, you will do anything and everything to get it. When you do anything and everything, you will get it. That's what happens. The question is, do you want it badly enough? There is no half-assing at this level. You have to want it. Really. I mean...REALLY.
Fortunately, I do. I really, really do. Now if everyone around me could get on board with things (I'm thinking of the crying baby in the next room), we could get things moving towards some kind of wonderful.
When have you been spurred to change your situation? What was the moment of action for you? Leave a comment below!