I'm moving!

I'm moving!

This is my formal announcement: starting next Monday (August 17, 2015), I will blog on my author site, www.alexisdonkin.com. I will no longer post new items on this site, however I will continue to hold this site for archival purposes.

Note: My subscription button in the sidebar to the right will connect you to my active newsletter.

End of an Era

It's been five years since I began this blog and a lot has happened. I declared my intention to be a writer. I screwed up - a lot. I got better. I published a ton of books. I mastered many skills and continue to research, read, and try new things. And I keep getting better because of this.

I am proud of what I have accomplished, and I feel it is time to graduate from my hobbyist beginnings into a more professional and streamlined approach. So come over to the site, check out all the goodies there, in addition to the blog, and sign up for my newsletter to get all the latest (as well as periodic subscriber only goodies).

Thanks for sticking with me and sending good thoughts on this next phase of my professional journey.

My Bucket List

Sailing adventure options...

This is a short list of things I'd still like to do and haven't done. Some of them I could live without, but mostly I see these as things that I have to do at some point during my life. I left off my specific professional goals relating to books and speaking because I'd rather not publicize them at this point. I keep them on my mind daily, unlike these, which sort of simmer in the background.

So in no particular order, my current bucket list:

• Japan - more cultural less urban (Shinto temples especially)
• China - especially the Forbidden City and the Great Wall
• Go to a Steelers game (in Pittsburgh would be ideal, but I would cross it off at an away game).
• Italy - mostly for the high art areas (Venice, Florence, and Rome especially).
• Cosplay Khloe Alwell at a comic convention.
• France - mostly for high art, but local little known wine and artisan cheese pairings would be great.
• Ireland - because, my people.
• Greece - the Islands for fun as well as ancient sites for interest.
• The Explorer Club - just to tour, I don't need to join.
• Visit "the Farm" (Ina Mae's place)
• Montreal - because it's supposed to be fantastic.
• New Orleans - but not during Mardi Gras.
• Yellow Stone - because overwhelming natural beauty.
• Hawaii - same as above.
• Raise a garden successfully
• Own a successful small brick & mortar business
• Raise some animals successfully (chickens, rabbits, and or goats/sheep)
• Build an off-grid sustainable structure (work/studio, tiny house, and or main house).
• Start and run a non-profit - education, mediation, or arts based
• Go on a couple sailing trip - stopping in interesting ports.
• Cross continental train trip (for the stories)

 What's on your list? Leave a comment below!
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Looking for something fun to read? Check out Lela Markham! She has two different series that look really fun - one dystopian, another fantasy. Check them both out on her Amazon page and read her thoughts on her blog here!

An InLinkz Link-up

The End (A Poem)

There are so many thoughts running through my head. At first I thought I would just journal, but then I thought maybe there are some other people who are experiencing these things.

So, as a writer tends to do, I will share. This piece reflects on issues within the last few chapters of THRIVE: HOW I BECAME A SUPERHERO and serves as a reminder that even when we've gotten through part of the journey, there's always more time to be in the crucible.
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How can a parent consciously choose something that would be bad for their child? How can a parent willfully choose the interest of a friend, stranger, or the altar of an all-mighty idea over the best interest of their child? Their grandchildren?

How can a person not see what is in their best interest? How can a person not see what will be the best for their family? Community? City? State? Country? World?

I thought these things were obvious. I feel like they are obvious. They are so GOD DAMN OBVIOUS HOW COME YOU CAN'T FIGURE THIS OUT?!?!

It must be a lack of empathy.
It must be some an attachment to a mental self unrelated to reality. So they vote for their pretend best interest, instead of reality. This is torture.

Did you know there are black churches burning in the south? In a week. Less than every 2 days...one lights.

The mustard dried up.
And the brush burns.
What a sickly gas!

I cough and sputter when smoke blows on the wind. The sun grows dark and I close the windows hoping it passes - thankful for people trained, given full benefits, and protected by unions who brave the flames.

And it's one thing when it's a dusty canyon. It's another when it's a wooden church. A church - a place of prayer, of love, hope, and peace. A sanctuary - where people seek shelter from the storms of life, of which there are so many....crossing the mid-west it feels like pinball.

Bouncing us all around, pick a season, pick a weather - you will find it here!

And here we are. And I keep watching people on their journeys, sharing their excitement - sharing their successes and while I smile I can't help feeling I should be further along.

I was supposed to be further along.

I'm supposed to be more than I am.

I was supposed to have a house, a newer car, a career, a savings account. I was supposed to have a name for myself. I was supposed to be established. I was supposed to feel secure.

I was, I was. I was!

But I am. I still am. It is hard to read another peer bought another house. It is hard to see another peer beginning their family in safety and comfort. They don't have my worries. They don't feel my squeeze.

I remind myself this is transition. I remind myself this is not forever. I refuse to let this be much longer. I refuse to withstand this longer. I can't watch my husband sacrificing so much - so much, for so little. He deserves so much more. We deserve so much more. Our son deserves so. much. more.

I will find it. I will get it. I will have this. I have this. I got this. Just a little more. Just a little longer. By this time next year, the world will look differently.

I feel this. I know this. It sits in my gut, a burning coal.
I could choke on the smoke, but I don't.
I'm Ms. Fusion in a lake of flame.
Nothing touches my heat.

And you know, the world doesn't end with water.

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For more about my story, read THRIVE: HOW I BECAME A SUPERHERO in digital, and paperback.

As an indie author, I'm a bit like a local business and depend on the love and support of readers like you. Please check out my website and become a patron.

THRIVE Book Launch Week 7: Pre-order Day & Marathon Madness

I can see it, but it's still so much further....

Last week was slow. Then with Mothers' Day family obligations I ended up doing a lot less than I wanted. And my social media phone app went wonky. And my computer stopped charging consistently. And everything just felt...bleh.

Despite this, I continued to press on. I continued and I found myself talking with a fascinating person who was most unexpected. I don't know what will come of that connection, but I intend to see that through, wherever it leads.

And that is me. Try things. Screw up. Adjust. Try things. Screw up less. Adjust.Try things...ad infinitum.

To some that might seem like a waste of time. However, it is the only way that makes sense to me. I will make mistakes. I know this happens. However, I do not let this stop me from acting. I do not let this hinder my will. I do not let it keep me from reaching. I am so full of vision it is impossible to remain content with any situation. There is always more to do. There is always better. I can always be more.

Some people would just give up, but I refuse.

Is this folly? Madness? Maybe. Only time will tell. But I know that if I didn't try everything I would ache. I would know I didn't try one or two things and that would disappoint me. That would keep me up at night.

This is one of my superpowers - drive. My narrative of suffering chronicled in THRIVE has this theme - my refusal to stay down. My refusal to let anything hold me back. And some people may look at my experiences and wonder how I can see lessons. Some people might wonder how I can step in a pile of shit and ask, "Where is the pony?"

But that is the thing. That is the gift I was given: to see the good and bad anywhere I look. I understand what it is like to feel complete hopelessness. I understand what it is like to feel violated and betrayed by people close to me. I understand what it is like to look at death. I have been to those places. I have walked through them, and come out to the other side to share these stories.

Some people might say this optimism is an opiate, and they would be right.

An opiate is something that helps manage pain. Yes, it could become addictive BUT fundamentally it is meant to help you endure. And so I used my optimism to endure.

I do not feel this is a crutch. I do not feel like it is a problem. When everything breaks down around me, I need to call on that deep inner strength. My optimism helps me summon that power, call it forth, and continue despite everything.

And this week, when everything is precarious...I need it more than ever. I'm almost to the finishline. Now is not the time to shut down. 

Now is the time to push harder.

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LAUNCH UPDATE

I mentioned above that I had a slow week and I did. And with everything breaking, or not at top functionality, I struggled to keep my momentum. I did. I imagine this is what a marathon runner feels like in the last few miles of a race. On the one hand, I'm excited that I can almost see the finish line. On the other hand, I wish I could sit down on an overstuffed chair, and drink a glass of red.

This is what I got done last week:

• Met with connector and brainstormed opportunities for THRIVE among other things
• Got over 150 entries in my press kit/speaking opportunity database
• Wrote cover letters
• Sent a few press kits out to connections
• Fiddled with website (and changed my mind about a few things)
• Read a number of articles about marketing
• Got to 63% in LILITH
• Tweaked revamped covers
• Finalized format for THRIVE and TRANSFORM TO THRIVE (added connect, about author etc)
• Blogged

This is what I need to get done this week:

• Upload THRIVE & TRANSFORM TO THRIVE to Smashwords and set up pre-order
• Send out press kits to media
• Send out press kits to colleges, organizations etc
• Sign up for speaking bureau at RAINN (among others?)
• Finish cover tweaks for KHLOE series
• Finish LILITH
• Upload corrected books, descriptions, and new covers for KHLOE
• Follow up with connector/mentor
• Info blast on social media about pre-order
• Consider Createspace for print on demand version of THRIVE and TRANSFORM TO THRIVE.
• Think about business cards
• Create speaking page for website (and list topics etc)
• Blog
• Patreon.... 
• Pitch THRIVE related story ideas to sites and blogs?

I'm sure there is more. I don't know when I'll get time to do videos. I want to get them done, but the problem is I need quiet time and light to do them as well as someone to watch my toddler. It has been next to impossible to get all those things simultaneously. For now, I'm going to focus on the absolute essentials and if I get the videos done, I'll be really pleased. But that is definitely icing at this point. The most important is to get the books into tip-top shape and available.

THRIVE Book Launch Week 4: Burn Ships

Last week I got my final rejection letter for grad school.

Some people might give condolences, but I'm not sorry. I'm not because I also got another series of notices telling me I was not being considered for jobs. It felt like the go ahead...as in, the Universe dropped a piano to knock some sense into me,

It's okay Alexis. You are supposed to do this. If you don't effing do this, I'm going to make you. Love and Kisses, God/The Universe/Metaphysical Forces Everywhere.

Every other door closed. With every door closed except one, things get pretty easy. In fact, stupidly easy. In fact, I should drink a beer right now in gratitude.

And then there was another thing. As I reworked my KHLOE ALWELL series, I realized, I love these books. I mean, I would reread these books for fun...over and over...like I do Jane Austen, or Harry Potter. I mean, I'm not comparing myself to those writers, except to say I enjoy the story just as much. I mean, I'm reworking the heck out of these books. I was a hobbyist when I published them originally. I've grown tremendously since writing THE BROTHERS, but...

I love Laran. I love him. He is...my favorite. I mean, this guy seriously is the hot, snarky, punk I always wanted in a book. And I identify with Khloe - the girl who reluctantly accepts and embraces her power, to become something the world never expected, but always wanted. I love these books. Love. Them.

And I wrote them! Ha! And it's great if other people love them too, but I think...maybe...I just wrote them for me. And that's enough. The sexy, action-packed, snark is enough for me.

And as I realized that, while every other door closed, I filled with strength. Because suddenly, it didn't matter any more whether I sold ten books, or a hundred thousand. Suddenly, it didn't matter if people hated or loved my words.

I was meant to write. I was meant for this. I sailed across the sea, and as I reached the shore, those ships all burned. There are no bridges. There are only locked doors behind me. There is only one way forward - the word. My words.

The steps unfold before me, and I will take them with purpose - with faith - knowing it is my path, and it is right.

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LAUNCH PROGRESS UPDATE:

This past week was hard because I had some scheduling issues (in addition to the closed doors) and my computer was on the fritz. Christian got it back up and running, thankfully, but I now do daily back-ups so I won't lose any work. Read: I am going to have to replace my computer this year. Yikes.

Despite this, last week I finished:

• Patreon upload
• Blog posts
• Thrive & journal covers
• Updates to Thrive
• Revisions to journal
• Consulted with other authors about marketing
• Consulted with friends about marketing
• 100% revamped THE BROTHERS
• 30% revamped LOVERS & RIVALS
• Researched celebrity influencers
• Researched marketing campaigns
• Wrote out more marketing plans
• Divied up marketing elements
• Drew and edited novel artwork

This week I need to:

• Upload again to Patreon
• Write blog posts
• finish THRIVE updates
• talk to de facto editor about THRIVE updates
• Complete website
• Buy domain and hosting
• Upload revamped BROTHERS, description, & new cover
• 100% finish revamp of LOVERS & RIVALS
• revamp social media outlets (Facebook author page, Twitter, Patreon)
• finish social media cover photo promoting THRIVE

I'll let everyone know about updates, and definitely post website links etc as soon as it is up. I'm itching to get it done! If only there was more time in a day...

Don't Be a Writer

Note: This was written to advise those thinking about pursuing, or contemplating a more professional trajectory into writing. Because, you need to know, if you didn't already, what it is really like.

The early days of a starving artist...

My dear aspiring writer, don't. Don't be a writer. This is not a job you should choose. If there is anything else you would enjoy doing, do that. This is especially true if you have remotely thin skin because you will have to defend your choice at every turn. You will have to defend your craft and your creation. This is because from the very earliest part of a writing career, you are constantly attacked.

First, everyone will tell you it is impossible. They will say it a thousand times. They will say only the superstars make it. No one, however, knows what makes a superstar, and when you ask these people how superstars become superstars, they will name someone who already made it in another field with a ghostwritten book about said field. The other true writing stars? They paid whatever dues all writers must pay and that process remains a mystery to everyone, even the stars.

Everyone will say no one knows what makes a successful book. In fact, this is one thing everyone agrees on. Family and friends don't know how writing can be successful. Agents and writers don't know what books will be successful. No one in publishing understands people's tastes. Shitty writers can make millions of sales while pure genius prose can be used as drink coasters for Big Gulps. So if you can't handle that level of unknown, just don't bother writing.

If you're impatient, you really shouldn't write. The submission process involves a painful amount of waiting. You have to submit to a thousand agents to get a read through if you are anything like the other millions of people doing the same thing. And these agents will send you letters, time and again, saying it isn't quite right. They aren't interested in repping a book they aren't totally passionate about, and your book just doesn't do it for them. They send these notes anywhere from a week after receiving your query, to never. You might never get a response at all and will have to infer that your writing just wasn't good enough for them to be your advocate.

Some people will say you should get a few stories published and that will help your chances. Maybe having a few published pieces will convince agents it is worth taking a chance on you. But you have to find the right home for your stories. You might read a bunch of magazines and think you found the right one, but your opinion doesn't matter. It's the editor's opinion that matters. And so you get rejected. Again.

Others will say, write some articles! And the process repeats with the addition of some head banging against either a table top, a wall, or both.

Finally someone will say, why don't you self-publish? But of course, self-publishing is looked down upon by pretty much everyone. You can't be writing good work if you self-publish, even though a lot of “superstars” go on to self-publish, and a lot of self-published authors go on to be picked up by traditional publishers (only after they have sold thousands upon thousands of copies under their own steam). And so many other people have self-published and have nothing to show for it. Your chances are slim, even if you follow every book marketing guru's instructions for success. After all, they have no idea what makes for a successful book.

Determined, you read more writing blogs. You read about the successes and failures of your superstars. You try to fit into the molds of different agents and publishing houses. You try to fit into the molds of the market. You make a thousand mistakes. You try again. You make more mistakes. You try again. You open a bottle of whiskey and chug half of it. You write. You lay awake at night with terrible heartburn wishing you knew what to do, that someone would mentor you to success. You rewrite. You think if you could just figure out the magical formula that mixes lead and snake oil you could get gold.

You write every day for months on end. You blog. You comment on other writers' work. You read. You drink the other half of the whiskey bottle mixed with Ethiopian coffee brewed in your French press, because this is what you have in your kitchen to eat. You have become the epitome of the starving artist. It happened some time between the first set of agent queries and one of the rounds of rejections from literary zines. You lose weight. You wear thrift shop clothes that make Macklemore proud. You only buy generic food from the grocery store, and at some point you will finally break down and go to the food pantry when your last bit of pride is stripped away.

But then, you get an email back. It is unexpected. It is a single website where you thought your work would fit in perfectly. They want to print it. SUCCESS! You got an article posted on a website besides your free blog! You're going somewhere! You're a real writer!

That iota of affirmation is all you needed to get through another series of grueling rejections of another piece of your creative soul.

The dream isn't dead. It just got a fresh shock back to life. But never fear, you'll feel this again. And again. Always just on the brink of death, you'll get jolted, pulled back in by that horrible temptress hope.

So don't be a writer. It promises a lifetime of psychological masochism. Be an accountant, or a paralegal. Be a mid-level manager in a large corporation. You'll have a regular salary and so much less psychic pain.

But if there is nothing else that you can do – if it is impossible for you to stop writing – then you must write. You can never be happy doing anything else. You will never be fulfilled. You will never have solace. You will carry the burden of creation within you and without the pen and paper, the keys and screen, you will explode. Or worse, you will rot, the stories inside their womb, dead, festering, spreading their necrosis across your spirit. It will affect every relationship. It will affect every interaction. It will mark every second of your life – with that horrible longing ache that comes when words must be written, when ideas crave expression.

No one will think worse of you publicly for becoming a writer. They will praise your courage and bravery – your commitment to the craft. They will tell you time and again how they always wanted to write a book but never had the time, the energy, or a single coherent idea. If you have completed manuscripts they will fawn over you. If you have published anything, even independently, they will gush over you, amazed they met someone, anyone, with enough discipline and courage to not only finish, but share their vulnerable creation with the world. They will marvel at you, that despite all the reasons not to be a writer, you chose it, and continue to, not because you are a masochist, but the very opposite; because you hate pain.

Because if you are a writer by birth, and do not write, your existence is sheer agony. In this case, it is much better to write, much better to subject yourself to that Promethean submission process. Then at least, there is some chance of relief. This is the curse of the writer, the burden you must bear if you are a writer. If there is no choice.

But, if you can choose, by all means, choose something else. This vocation is not for the weak of heart.

Ideas and Inaction: The 2 Water Dish Problem

Is that the right path over there?

For creatives, or starving artists, there's a problem in the realm of ideas. There are too many. Certainly that is my problem.

I wake up and have twelve different ideas by breakfast. Some of them I dream while in deep sleep. Others I discover in the course of getting my toddler dressed. Others I have while reading through my social media feeds. And then, when I have these ideas, I have to decide whether I should keep thinking about them - let them develop into something.

The process of vetting such ideas takes maybe a few seconds, but it always goes more or less like this:

"Oh shit! That would be an awesome story!"
"It would. It really would. People would read that."
"Damn! I could write that kind of fan fiction!"
"No I couldn't."
"Yes I could."
"No I couldn't. How could I get into that character's head?" Pauses while thinks through how that would work.
"Wait, yes I COULD! WAHOO!!!"

Keep in mind this happens daily. It happens daily all the while I'm working on several other projects. And this is not the whole day - this is just before breakfast.

You see the problem.

I don't have enough time to follow through on every idea. I can't. It is impractical. I have to prioritize. I have to decide which ideas are worth pursuing. Which ones would I enjoy? Which ones would benefit society? Which ones would be profitable?

This is the same problem creatives, like myself, encounter with jobs. As a creative, I am capable of doing a lot. I have the skills and abilities to make magic happen because I have this wild potential-seeking mind. I solve problems constantly. Ideas bloom, literally, in my sleep. I cannot keep up with them. So of course I do well in problem solving environments. I can do anything in theory, but that doesn't necessarily mean I flourish.

I could, for example, work in a 9-5 job. But, frankly, I might kill myself. I don't say that as a rhetorical device. Working 9-5 doing something that is busy work, surrounded by hundreds of cubicles makes me want to jump off a bridge. Really. There isn't enough variety. People are telling me what to do and how to do it, when those are the kinds of things I excel at on my own. It is soul sucking and does not make use of the extent of my gifts. So of course I would bang my head against the wall and need to take some kind of mood altering prescriptions just to survive.

That is not living.

But what about traditional jobs that do honor my tendencies? What about jobs that do allow me to make use of my crazy idea creation and vetting process? Where are they? What are they? How do I find these things?

The easy thing is to decide what I want to do and then find that.

*blinks while looking blankly*

Right. Remember how I just explained the different ideas I have? Remember how many I have every day before breakfast alone?! What do I want to do? How do I figure that out?

Well, there are the books by career counselors that can be helpful. But what if the required skills you need to do the thing you want to do are out of reach. What if, for example, I decide I want to be a professor for a day job and then, I am rejected by the doctoral programs that would essentially guarantee me such a position (or at least make it possible)?

That is a pickle.

So I end up staring down at my list of ideas, like my wild and crazy skills, wondering how I can cobble them together into a job.

I mean, I know. I know what job I want. What kind of success I want. I know that. I've got it in my head and I visualize it every day (read: comic convention panels, women's conference panels, writing workshops...the list goes on). But, the path to getting there is foggy. The ideas run fast and hard and I can see about twenty different routes to achieving the same thing. Which to choose?

It is like the dog with two water dishes. He sits there, staring at both, getting progressively more thirsty, never drinking. How does he choose? Which one is better? The answer is neither. They both have good water. Both will work. It is whichever one he likes. But the dishes are the same, he thinks. But they aren't. One is on the left, the other on the right. One is nearer the window, the other nearer his owner's chair. It does not matter which he chooses, except that one quenches his thirst and makes him feel good.

But I might regret not choosing the other dish!

Yeah...well...cost of business. All paths will reach the destination. Both dishes solve the problem of thirst. But sitting there ruminating about it won't do anything.

I am actually drinking water. I have actually four books that will definitely be published this year. Two are finished, but in revision phases. Two just need a few more chapters complete and will be done. That's kind of amazing. That means I will have finished four books while watching a toddler...since January. That's kind of remarkable.

I am definitely drinking the water here. I submitted pieces to magazines and got positive rejections (I just added a third to my group...) which means I'm getting closer on that front as well. Closer, but not there...yet.

But in the mean time, waiting for thirst to abate, I'm wondering if this is okay. If my time wouldn't be better spent doing other things. Should I use my skills somewhere else? Should I do something else? Should I have a day job outside of raising my kid? Could I manage that? I applied to a few traditional jobs, and I have to admit that I'm cautious. I mean, if I do not pursue my dream, my vision, part of me will die inside. It is that tension - the tension of giving up, of accepting defeat, versus continuing to battle, continuing the pursuit. The first is pushed by society at large (like, get real). The second is glorified (as in, "Wow! I could never do that! You're amazing!").

I think, no matter what, it is better to be on a path to achieving the goal than not. Not achieving the goal - the dream - is not okay. So I store my vetted ideas for later refusing to get distracted, continue pushing on the ones I've prioritized, and act as though I know what I'm doing. Which I don't. I'm just guessing here and hoping for the best. I mean, I think that's a pretty good idea.

Wild and Crazy Skills

Statue imitator?

What is the wildest and craziest thing you can do? I wondered. I asked. I got weird and entertaining answers. I started working on a companion workbook to go with my nonfiction book (both coming out in a few months...hopefully). It all got me thinking.

What can I do? What are the obscure skills I have? What angles can I fractal down to in order to analyze myself?

My experience includes, but is not limited to:

• Cat wrangling and training
• Toddler containment
• Garbage repurposing
• Daydream development
• Witty one-line IRL microblogging
• Surgical commentating
• Globalizing the personal
• Nap feigning
• Militant self-discipline
• Flexible time-management
• Smart phone camera operation
• Vocal impressions
• Psychic interpretation
• Meticulous bead design
• Mud sculpture
• Full body painting
• Braiding
• Pragmatic truth-telling
• Thumb piano composition
• Baby toy development
• Interpersonal communication mediation
• Immediate dance party creation
• Impromptu public-speaking
• Incessant challenge

Can I turn any of those things into a career? I mean, really. Not joking. Well, maybe a little. Okay, I'm totally joking, but if you came up with something that could use such random things, I would absolutely consider it. I just wonder if that is possible. Can you combine any of these things into a career? If so, what? And what are your weird skills and talents? Do you use them in your career? Tell me about it in the comments below...

Total Equality: A Feminist Manifesto

Recently Obama called for the American legislature to require equal pay for equal work. There have been a lot of conversations about that.

I would argue his call is premature, not because I don't want that. I do. I absolutely completely do. I just think the problem is bigger than that.

You can't eradicate a symptom if you don't cure the disease. The disease, in this case, is sexism, and it is pandemic. The body politic is infested with this horrible, debilitating illness. And we need a cure. We can treat the symptoms, but they will keep coming back in one way or another, until we address the illness as a whole.

It is for this reason I wrote and published TOTAL EQUALITY. I don't think people realize how pervasive sexism is in America. I don't think people realize how damaging it is, how painful it is, as a woman, to be systematically disregarded over and over again (my brown skinned friends know this very well, and I empathize with that hot mess because there is a lot of overlap). I wrote this because I wanted it to be absolutely clear, in one place, easily understood, just what is required for women to be equal to men.

Obama is right. It should happen now. It has been a long time. But let's be clear - this is still a big task, especially when America won't admit there is a problem in the first place.

Life Success System

Transition can be so beautiful...

According to many business minded blogs, systems are the way to success. This is what many self-made people argue, and indeed, it would appear this kind of structure helps ensure focus. When a person has a system, a standard operating proceedure to fall back on, it guarantees that certain things get done no matter what.

It might seem a little awkward to talk about "personal standard operating procedures," after all, applying a business concept to one's life feels rather robotic. That said, I can say quite honestly that it works. I can say this, because in order to fulfill my promises to myself and ensure I achieve my goals, I have implemented a few systems of my own.

At first, it was a bit of experiment. I started off with some casual things. Once I experienced a little success with these smaller items, I decided to apply the same concepts to other areas of my life.

Because I hate veiled language and undelivered promises, I will explicitly share with you what I have done and then what I intend to do. In short, I'm going to give you my system. Keep in mind, it might not work for you. Just because it works for me, does not mean it will for you. The fact is, a system only works if it is used consistently. If you cannot follow it consistently, then do something else. This means you may experience some trial and error. I can attest that I have tried all manner of things and I have finally come up with something that works for me (and works for me in all aspects of my life).

The first thing I wanted to do was change a few habits. In order to do that, I downloaded a 21 day habit app (21 Days Effect from Google Play). I then chose three habits I wanted to establish. Each day I had to check into the app and choose whether or not I had completed the habit for a total of 21 days. At the end of the 21 days, I would input three new habits (or select one of the previous for another 21 days).

Now, I will openly admit that I need the check in. I need some accountability and I hate failure. Hate failure. I cannot stand being unsuccessful at something, thanks to a strong perfectionist streak. The check in, even if it is just within the app, is enough motivation for me to maintain focus on my selected daily goals for the 21 days.

I decided to choose some physical goals - like calorie counts and exercise quotas. Later, after a little success with the app, I added some professional goals. These I based on the things I feel called to complete in order to achieve my long term vision for myself.

My long term vision is a five year plan that includes my writing, finances, level of reknown, "day job," and family life. In order to realize that vision, I divided it up into yearly items. I realized I could only control myself, and so rather than worrying about how things would be received, I decided to ensure I did everything within my power to realize my vision every year, month, day, and hour.

This year, it meant applying to doctoral programs (check!), publishing a nonfiction piece (in beta reading as I write this post), finishing the Khloe Alwell series (80% finished with the manuscript of the last book!), finishing Andrew from the Rollins Pack, and completing related marketing/publishing changes for all related items. On top of all that, I need to assure my family is provided for. In order to do that, I need to have a way to make money consistently.

That seems like a lot when I write it out like that. Okay, actually it is a lot. But if I break it down into bite sized chunks, it isn't. Really. In fact, I plan to get it all done by July.

I decided the order in which to get these things done. First, my nonfiction book is in beta reading. Until I get feedback about that, I am unwilling to publish it. In the mean time, I can write a guest post or media packet item once a week related to the book.

Next, I decided to focus on Khloe. My Khloe fans have been waiting patiently for the last installment, and it's time I fulfill my promise. I gave myself several weeks to rewrite the 80k that was written, and then another month to complete the first draft. Then I gave myself a couple weeks to rewrite into a second/third draft. When that was complete, I would send it to a few beta readers. With feedback, I'd do another draft, give myself a day for coverart, and publish. I took less than a week to rewrite the 80k and already I am up to 92k. By giving myself very achievable daily goals, I am able to pace myself and maintain momentum. When I have more time and energy, I rewrite or write more. When I don't, I focus on reaching my daily goal.

By putting my daily writing goal into the app, I have added accountability. It is enough to make me feel like I'm in a race with myself, which is ideal for the competitive perfectionist.

Needless to say, I divided the tasks for Andrew in a similar way and will complete it when I send Book 4 to beta. After Andrew, I hope to have my nonfiction piece in hand, will rewrite it, and publish, along with a nice marketing campaign in relevant sites and blogs. I get my daily goals done before I do anything else, and I'm golden.

Once those book related items are done, then it is time to focus on developing a consistent income stream. In my five year plan, my books do that for me. Right now however, I need an alternative. This is especially true if I enroll in a doctoral program.

I have a TON of business ideas on any given day. In fact, it's a little crazy how varied my ideas are (products, services, websites, brick and mortar...you name it). There are several issues with this, however...

1. Isolating the best idea.
2. Hammering out the details.
3. Making it work.

In the past there was also the question of having enough energy to get started. Getting started is the first difficult thing. The second difficult thing is continuing before the idea builds enough inertia to be self-sustaining.

Getting started is scary for me, but I can do it. In the past my true hurdle was waiting for sufficient inertia.

I have written more than enough books to feel good about publication. I feel good about my overall plan. While I continue to follow my plan for writing, marketing, and publication, I need to decide what I idea to develop for a consistent income stream. That way, when I have finished my publication goals, I can transition seemlessly to my business/income development goals.

So far my system works. I'm moving along on a good clip. I am sure of my success. I just need to decide what that success will look like and then I can make it happen. I have a system for that.

My 2015 Vow

Everyone needs the obligatory "New Year's" post, so here is mine for 2015 - from a professional and personal perspective (my parenting one can be read here).

I'm not sure about this "resolution" business, but I can keep a few promises. I think promises hold more weight for me. Maybe you have been successful with resolutions. I feel like often they set us up for failure either because they are too vague, too unrealistic, or because they reflect someone else's ideals and expectations. I want to foster success throughout my life and to do that, I feel like re-packaging and acceptance are important. With these things in mind, this is my 2015 vow - my promises for the following year:

1. I promise to only ever be myself and honor my preferences and artistry - despite applause, mockery, attacks, compliments, snide tones, as well as disparaging body language or facial expressions.
2. I promise to continue my personal development in all aspects of myself - spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, and socially.
3. I promise to be grateful every day for the blessings in my life, no matter how big or small.
4. I promise to lift up those around me, in an effort to be a force for positive movement in the world.
5. I promise to ask for help when I need it.
6. I promise to smile, laugh, sing, and dance every day.
7. I promise to do everything I can to put out a few good books (3 with luck and perseverance).

I wish you all a wonderful 2015 full of blessings and personal growth. I feel like it's going to be a good year for our family and myself in particular. I can't wait to see what it holds! Happy 2015!

Do you have resolutions this year? Promises? What do you want for yourself this next year? Leave a comment below!

Projects, Next Steps, and the Right Track

Now that applications are done (submission number two will be Monday) and presents are finished (a little wrapping left but...not much) I'm focusing on some other things that need to happen.

Since I've been doing self-hypnosis and focusing hardcore on my goals, I had some divinely inspired projects come to mind. As such, they are definitely on the docket for completion. In fact, one of the books is already in the rewriting/review phase. I started it like two weeks ago. I know. Crazy huh?It is rather short, so being done so quickly isn't a terrible surprise...

NaNoWriMo came late huh? Well, it's not a novel so it wouldn't qualify. I promise to say more about it in a separate post. However, I do need a little help with the book cover. I'm looking for a photographer to do a professional photoshoot of me (and possibly a stylist). It would need to be someone looking to develop the portfolio as well as credit. If you know anyone in the SB area who fits that bill, send them my way.

As part of the aforementioned, I want to develop some related talks and pitch them to various organizations. This would help me achieve a two things at once - one to get some paid speaking engagements, and two, promote the book.

The second project is a little less involved, though I do need to make some decisions about formatting etc because that will change the nature of the book significantly. I guess I need to meditate on that to determine what the best course would be (i.e. what would the proposed demographics prefer?).

This could likewise have some associated talks, and may, though I'm not sure what direction I want this to take.

Finally, if I am accepted into the doctoral programs, I have another problem. I need to finish my 2 beloved series. At least, I definitely need to finish Khloe and the Andrew manuscript, if not Freddy and Charlie too for Rollins. I had a major psychological breakthrough as to the goals of my fiction writing, and it requires some serious reconsidering of the Khloe's development as a character.

In short, I want her to be a bit more of a bad ass. That said, doing that in such a way as to allow it naturally, and balance it with her vulnerabilities is a delicate process. It takes careful handling, and that requires a great deal of thought as I rework some of the earlier writing and finish the book. Presently I'm about 80k. I have about 40k more to finish the book...sooo...she could get pretty amazing by the end.

As to Andrew, I need to go back and make sure I have James consistent with his own story, as well as Jeremiah being consistent with his own. I think I need to consider writing these a little longer and bring them up to 90k or more. James and Jeremiah were on the shorter side, but it seems as though the average ebook consumer prefers a longer book.

I go back and forth about these kinds of things however, asking myself questions like: Is this pandering? Do I need to question this? Am I being true to the story? In the end, I'll probably just go with what feels good at the time and let things go where they must.

Along with those projects requiring completion, I have a few tangential ideas that may be worth developing (like associated teaching or book club materials). In my quest for self-realization, I've been reading a lot about being bigger than your life allows. If you act bigger, then your life tends to expand. I'm working on getting comfortable with this. I do catch myself sometimes getting back down in a small setting, and then I just shake myself off and push myself into that bigger space.

I'm getting good at it.

I intend to not only pull these things off, but do them exceptionally well. It's making me antsy...bubbling in my skin I'm so excited to work on these things.

I think that's how you know you're on the right track. That's what has me smiling.

The Most Powerful Force

Love.

This is the thing that holds us together and sets us apart. This is the thing that makes us scale mountains and cross oceans.

Love.

More powerful than greed or apathy or fear - love can turn an enemy to a friend. Love can turn an object into a real human being. Love is the most powerful force - more powerful than gravity. It is the ultimate variable - more important than time.

It is the ultimate choice - transcending Schrodinger's cat, particles and rays, life and death.

Love.

And what comes from this ultimate power? This force before all forces? When we use this, when we allow this force to direct our hearts and minds, only the best things come into being. Only our best dreams are realized at the hands of love. Only our best intentions are made manifest - made into only, exactly, the best thing needed at that exact time.

Anger, jealousy, sadness...these are products of the broken heart. They are symptoms of love lost, or betrayed. Do not allow such things to direct your actions. Twisted plants grow from seeds sown with these hands.

Instead, turn your heart toward love. Turn it to forgiveness and let go those broken things. Let your heart be healed through the creative, restorative power of love. Focus instead on new tomorrows, better days filled with peace, friendship, hope, and joy. These are the fruits of a vibrant heart focused on love. These are our yearnings. Let us set our sights on them.

This is my earnest wish for all - that your hearts be filled with love.

Have A New Better Life

This past year has been a huge opportunity for me. Fortunately I recognized it and took advantage of the time I was given.

As I continue in the second year of opportunity, I have begun to seriously transform my thought patterns and through this, my actions. It is an exciting process and while I am in the beginning stages, I am already experiencing results.

I have found my focus to be sharper. I am much more centered on completing tasks and doing them completely and successfully.

My relationships have improved. I am more present and appreciate the people in my life so much more.

I take advantage of opportunities as they present themselves.

I forgive myself for past mistakes and instead focus on my present situation, always with my goals in mind.

I am celebrating the beauty and joy around me, in others' lives and in the world. I have learned to focus on everything wonderful. It is a great thing.

I know this is where I was meant to be, doing the things I was meant to do. I know there is only more and I am so excited about the new opportunities that come to me daily. How can I not be? Just writing this put a smile on my face!

Everyone has this capacity. Anyone can transform their thoughts and begin to see a different, better world - a different and better life. And when one sees different and better, one gets different and better. It is impossible to continue acting as you did in the past if you see the world differently. It is impossible to stay where you were. You must change. You must do more and be more because that is what your vision requires.

It's a great feeling. It's not magic. It's just you, thinking.

Have a vision - see your new better world, your new better life. Appreciate all the beauty and wonder working to bring it about. Stay focused. Thoughts turn to actions. Actions change reality.

Perfecting Your CV

Resumes have rules. CVs are...negotiable.

Trying to figure out the best headings and the best things to include on a CV during the application phase is a pain in the ass.

Do you have enough honors and awards to merit their own heading? Does anyone care about your community service? Is there any point in mentioning that life changing experience if it doesn't really fit under your teaching experience? What about those two years at art school that are completely unrelated to everything else? What about the 10+ books you have independently published? Are they helpful or hurtful?

And those are just my CV questions.

Luckily I have a few people in my life willing to give my vitae a once or thrice over. We've been going over everything with a fine toothed comb, to the point where I'm deciding where best to put the publication dates of my books (I think I'm still including them as a testament to my productivity regardless of their genre.) and the location of my research interests (the top).

And these are the things that keep me up at night. That and something else: What if I don't get in? Or what if I get in to only one place? Or what if I get into everywhere I apply? What do I do in each scenario?

To put in so much energy to the application process, it would be devastating not to get accepted, however, I would also know quite clearly it wasn't meant to be. If I was accepted everywhere, I would have to prioritize various aspects of each program and school in order to make the best long term choice, despite whatever pressures might come at me. Hopefully everyone would respect my choice seeing as I try to make decisions carefully and thoughtfully.

But that is a discussion for February or March. Today I am focused on perfecting CVs and statements of purpose. Tomorrow I am focused on recommendations. I can only focus on one step at a time, otherwise I would never sleep. Seriously.

Apply Where You Will

Last Monday I took my GRE. I was nervous about it. Not about the test - I figure you are as ready as you can be by the time it comes around. No. I was comfortable with how much I prepared.

Rather I was nervous about what it meant.

Having taken this test, I was officially committed to an idea - the idea of attending graduate school and everything that means. In my case, it means moving across the country.

There are no programs in California that interest me. None. When I began looking at things it became clear I was going to have to move far. The schools to which I am applying are all well past the Rockies and each in very different segments of the country. Each of them is scary for one reason or another.

One is Lesotho in the middle of South Africa...or an island in shark infested waters...whichever metaphor you prefer. Either way, it makes me nervous.

Another is in Flatland, coated in vanilla and sprinkled with a dash of whiteness. I get bored thinking about it.

The third is a dream. It just happens to be in Siberia where the sun never shines and the houses have second story doors opening out to seasonal 9 foot snow drifts.

This is my current feeling, though it may be misplaced, delusional, or just wrong. Whatever the case, these are the pictures I have constructed around each school. They are all good schools, and each one is perfectly positioned to help me achieve my goals. I am confident that I would do well at any of them. Of course I have a first choice and my heart tells me that is where I belong, but there are other prospective students. There are other applications.

And I have to submit mine just like everyone else to be carefully scrutinized.

This brings me to my next steps: personal statements, transcripts, recommendations, and curricula vitae.

Time to research so I can make my application as attractive as possible. Because this is happening. I am moving across the country. It is the right thing for me to do and I won't let anything stop me. I am committed.

Why Get a PhD?

Why should a writer explore a doctorate? Why would anyone? These are very important questions considering that university teaching jobs in the humanities are scarce (numerous applicants for the same few jobs) and the time and energy required for such an endeavor. It's not a small thing.

Here are my caveats to pursuing the lofty and ultimate degree:

1. A doctorate is only worth doing if it is fully funded. Anything less, considering the job climate (and the mountain of debt most potential candidates already have from previous degrees) is just stupid.
2. Besides university jobs, there has to be some list of backup options. My own, are related to writing and...other things.
3. It must be something a person really wants to do. For me, it is one of my bucket list items. I've always wanted to sign things "Dr. Alexis Donkin" which I know would confuse people even more about my sex (Alexis is a masculine name in most of the world and I've been called Mr. in more than one mailing.). This, while a small thing, always puts a smile on my face.
4. It helps to genuinely love school. Spending at least five more years of life on another degree isn't everyone's cup of tea. It takes work, dedication, and perseverence.
5. It should help a person achieve other life goals. A doctorate can be an end, but it should also be a means. Anything that takes that much time and energy should be a "twofer" as it were.

 For me personally, there are additional fringe benefits:

1. I get to connect with likeminded people once more, both experienced and fledgling.
2. I gain credibility, something that opens doors in many directions - corporate, non-profit, and educational.
3. I further hone my craft. There's nothing like regular meticulously researched writing to develop a person's abilities.
4. I will likely have the opportunity to teach while obtaining my degree (and thereby honing this craft as well). I love to teach and I look forward to teaching classes in subjects I love.
5. I will have swaths of time off throughout the week where I can spend time with my son (especially because I am a very efficient worker). This is a big plus.
6. I will get away from Santa Barbara and be independent once more (another big plus, despite the loss of regular free child care).

It is for these reasons I have conclusively decided to pursue a doctorate. As it is, I will be chronicling my application process on this blog. The process is not easy and it takes up all my spare time (in between my son's waking periods). Necessarily this forces me to take a break from all fiction writing. At the moment my time is devoted to studying for my upcoming GRE exam on September 29th. I am rusty in many aspects of standardized test-taking (and all those pesky math formulas!) which means all I'm doing these days is studying (admittedly I sometimes play Monster Busters. So sue me...). Wish me luck and send me positive vibes! I'll take all the support I can get!

What Change Wrought: Relationship, Writer's Block, and Self-Development

Sometimes strong feelings or major life events can be inspiring to a writer. Other times, they are the exact opposite.

For a while I was doing very well with my daily writing goals. I was consistent. Frequently I more than surpassed them by several thousand words! Recently, however, I've been struggling. I haven't written consistently in some time. I missed July by a long shot, neglecting my publication goal despite its reachability. I mean, Khloe could have been done by now. And I want to finish, intellectually. But I just don't have the motivation.

Part of this has been because my son has grown into a more active phase in his development. He does require energy stores that I used to put solely towards writing. However, to place the blame squarely on my child's activity level is unfair and unrealistic. Yes, his energy draw is large, but he takes naps. He plays by himself. He sleeps earlier than I do. I could realistically write even with his increased mobility. There is more going on. Much more.

As you know from reading earlier posts, I've been on quite a journey this year. Every week brings new change in myself and my perspective. It has been a healing time. It has been a beneficial time. I have learned things about myself and come to conclusions in this year that I never could have at other times in my life. I work out 6 days a week. I study Spanish daily. I try to eat balanced meals. I try to meditate at least once a day. I'm working towards specific professional goals.

And I am sincerely grateful for this. I am healthier, stronger, and generally more focused. It is an exciting time for me.

Unfortunately I have a major area of my life that is holding me back and I feel this is impacting my writing. My mind is so focused on this area that I have been uninspired to write. For someone like me who typically writes daily and has multiple books independently published, this is a strange turn.

I would even go so far as to say I have no interest in writing.

In fact, writing this blog post was a chore. I struggled to pick up the laptop. I wrote lines of several other posts and even wrote entire completely different posts before finally settling on this topic as worthy of publication on my blog. I agonized over the words in this post. I fretted over coming clean about this issue. And even still, there is much more I could confess to you, my gentle readers. But what should I say? What is too much? What is enough without making people uncomfortable?

Crazy, right? I mean, who does that? And what could possibly twist me up so badly as to cause such difficulties?

Well, I will answer: the next phase in my life journey. I am applying to PhD programs, and that necessarily is a point of excitement and trepidation. If I don't get accepted, it doesn't matter. I would be disappointed but I would get over it. I would decide on another goal. Rejection is not my worry. My worry is that it will create more relationship difficulties than I have at present.

You see, when someone undergoes transformation, it is impossible for things to stay the same. The equilibrium is disrupted and suddenly old habits don't fly any more. New things are required. Change doesn't just happen in the person transforming, but all around that person has to change. The question is, how?

Absolutely I have transformed. It began with my pregnancy and has continued for the 11 months since my son's birth. I am a completely different woman, with a completely different understanding of how I want to be in the world. Part of this had to do with acceptance of myself, part of it had to do with deciding what I wanted and then actually taking realistic measurable steps towards those things. And quite frankly, I know my husband isn't interested in the same things I'm interested in. It is not that he is consciously working against me getting my goals, but he isn't helping me get them either. As I try to shoot higher and higher, I feel more and more that I am weighted down.

I don't feel this way because I no longer love my husband or because he is sabotaging me. Neither of those things are strictly true. I feel this way because the longer and more entrenched my transformation becomes, the clearer it is to me that my husband is unable to change.  Or rather, he is so worried about what steps he should take, he doesn't take any. He doesn't change because he doesn't feel 100% confident in what he wants. He goes back and forth, afraid to stay where he is, and afraid to move forward. While he's waffling, I'm moving forward with my life, leaving him in the dust. I'm growing and changing quickly and he isn't...

It is pretty clear why I've been struggling with writing.

How can you do anything you love when something so crucial as your relationship is in the hands of someone else? I don't know. I struggle with it every day. It is painful to watch my spouse rely on old habits and struggle against the changing landscape that is our relationship and his very different wife. It is painful to watch him make choices that inevitably cause discord and difficulty. It is painful to watch him make choices that utilize a kind of logic that doesn't make the remotest bit of rational sense to me.

We're one week away from our 6 year anniversary, and I wonder how things will be moving forward. It is no longer my decision. I have made my choices and I'm comfortable with them. I just hope that he actively chooses his own transformation, one that will enhance and enrich my own. I hope he decides to join me.

In the mean time, I wonder. I wonder when things will change in such a way that I am once more inspired to write. I wonder what would make the difference for him. I wonder what will inspire him to transform. I wonder when I will be able to truly move forward in every aspect of my life. I can't handle the stagnation. It is upsetting.

Because right now, when I hold the computer on my lap, I don't want to write. I don't want to open my word processor. I don't want to open my blog post editor.

I just want to browse the web and forget.

Personal Progress

What a week!

This has been a huge week for me from a personal development perspective. My approach to life, the universe, and everything has shifted allowing the unexpected (or long awaited depending on your view) to fall in place.

I am a believer in Myers Briggs typing. Yes, there are limits to any tool's effectiveness, that said, I have found the MBTI to be incredibly useful. In fact, this week it was game-changing.

I think I may have said before that I am an INFJ (introvert, intuitive, feeling, judging). I knew this, but I hadn't really taken that information to a useful place because I had no circumstance in which to apply it (not in my estimation, though that was probably a false assumption). My husband had taken the test several times and always came out differently so I was unable to use the information.

Then I got a crazy idea.

What if I took the test for him?!

I accepted the fact that whatever results I got would have to be taken with a grain of salt. The numbers probably wouldn't be accurate but at least I could uncover his type.

Now had I ever read all the types, I would have pegged him in a second...but that isn't how I roll.

Needless to say, Christian came out unsurprisingly as an INTP (introverted, intuitive, thinking, perceiving). Knowing Christian and reading what INTPs are like, I didn't have to retest. Because of the apparent accuracy of this result, I eagerly began devouring and sharing information about our types with Christian. Suddenly our differences and compatibility came into sharp focus. This blew our minds, especially when we read about relationships between our types.

It was like reading about ourselves.

While this opened up possibilities for growth in our relationship, that is not what I want to share here. Instead I want to point out a few things that I discovered about myself in the process.

Firstly, my type is sometimes called "the confidant" or "the counselor" or "the author." No joke.

Secondly, in case you weren't clued in by the above, some of the careers INFJs are suited for are writer, teacher, and counselor.

And thirdly, all of these things - info about my type, relationship issues, and my personal circumstance - brought back some other questions about life direction.

Our family cannot live on one income, not with present circumstance. I cannot stay at home all day because I go crazy. I have to work. I really love my baby, but in order to be a role model and provide for him I need to do what is best for my emotional health, our finances, and my professional goals.

Sometimes the old plan is the best new plan. Or maybe it isn't a plan, but at least a possible direction (I'm working on my spontaneity.).

When I was still in college I very strongly wanted a doctorate. The idea of putting the letters behind my name appealed. I liked the idea of being incontrovertibly equal with men (and surpassing others). It helped that "doctor" would further androgynize my name as Alexis can be male or female. The problem was I wasn't sure what I would do with a PhD or what I would study. I couldn't justify the resources on an unknown.

Recently a friend mentioned fully funded programs and suddenly it became a possibility again, or at least a consideration.

Other thoughts came to the fore. I am a good teacher. It feels like performance in the best way. It allows me to use all my strengths with purpose. I enjoy teaching, particularly adults. I really enjoy teaching adults subjects I love - like art, or public speaking, or writing.

Oh my GOD that took a long time to get there!

Yes. I could be a professor of literature and writing! I could hone my craft, teach, and be a mom. The variety of tasks and responsibilities suits my work style and temperament. It is something my parents have urged me towards for years.

Probably worth a gander at least.

So these next few weeks I plan to explore the possibility of a doctorate and all that will mean. It is an idea, not a plan, not for certain - just a good idea. We shall see how it pans out.

Self Work is Never Done

Anyone who says they don't have more to work on is delusional.

There's always more to work on. There's always room for improvement. The more you do, the more likely you will succeed because the closer you are to mastery. If you're already a master, you will only get better.

The challenge is finding those places to improve. I mean, you and I, we're too close to ourselves to always figure out what work needs to be done. We may know something needs changing, but how do we find those areas of need? And then, how do we go about fixing them?

Lately I've been doing a lot of self-reflection. I'm in an uncomfortable situation in my life and there has been a lot of upheaval surrounding me. I see the world going to hell in a hand basket, and I feel out of control. There's little I can do about the world, but it would be nice if I had something to cling to that was more stable at home. I mean, something that was for sure...and safe...and well, easy.

Earlier this year I'd gotten into the habit of journaling and writing things I was grateful for every night. A little yoga before or after this journaling really made a difference too. And, then there was also the whole listening to affirmations thing I was doing. Well, for one reason or another, I got out of this habit. I substituted working out for this night time ritual (working out in the morning - not before bed! Geez!). At first, things continued going well.

But once again, I've gone to that dark place. I found myself frustrated with my situation and how slow change has been to come to my life. Instead, I felt like things were slowing down - or even going backwards.

I had so much going on in my head, I needed to do something. I picked up my journal. It seems, even with blogging, writing novels, and non-fiction books, I still have more words floating around that need release. The words, hateful, difficult, angry, disappointed, and depressed, flooded out. And then inspiration struck.

How could I change my life if I didn't know where I needed to change myself? My thinking was all wrong. I was so focused on negative things, on the fact that things weren't changing, on my unhappiness, there was no way I was going to move forward. I've read a bagillion self-help books in an effort to get ahead of my negative preoccupation, and I've had little luck. I needed something more pointed.

Cell phone to the rescue!

I found an app.

Surprising.

But there is an app, or twelve, that include personality/psychological tests to help you pinpoint areas where you need improvement. The one I found was Know Yourself. While the name leaves something to be desired, the comprehensive testing options and articles to combat issues found in your results were impressive.

I mean, I've taken a lot of those goofy tests...but none of them attached helpful content to my problem areas. In fact, few of them identified my problem areas the way this app did.

The Complete Personality Test was long, and the results were nearly as long as the test itself. However, the feedback was invaluable. It helped me unpack areas and habits that need attention (desperately!). It also affirmed other areas, some of which were pleasant surprises (things I never thought of came to light). I haven't yet been able to read all the attached articles, or put exercises in place to change my focus, but I'm hopeful. I feel like I'm on the right track, not only personally, but also professionally.

Sometimes you just need to get right with God, I mean, yourself. Yeah...yourself. ;-)