The last few hours of every day while I've been pregnant have been rough. Every day I do the same thing. About 2 hours before I go to sleep I start freaking out about some aspect (or multiple if I'm having a spectacular day) of my life.
Then about an hour before bed, I go on a 20 minute rant on how that thing is falling apart and how I want life to be better or different. Last night it was my body and my body image. Usually it involves finances or our living situation.
And it's horrible.
It makes Christian feel horrible (which honestly bothers me more) and it doesn't really make me feel better, except to voice my concerns. But I can't stop myself from doing it.
I have a theory why it happens the way this nightly negative rant does. First, I *do* tend to be more negative when I'm hormonal. It's something I noticed before pregnancy, so it makes sense that during pregnancy when my body is being flooded with hormones I would have some of that same freak-out factor.
Second, I am always at least a little uncomfortable. Right now, for example, my hip is in pain (now a nightly occurance) and I have moderate heartburn/acid reflux. Even though my eyes are tired and I want to go back to sleep, I doubt I can because of my physical discomfort. Physical discomfort is something that batters against a person's mental state. It's hard to be positive when I'm physically uncomfortable. Of course it will make me a little cranky! I'm in pain!
Third, being tired is a fast track to negativity. It is one of the states in which you should never attempt negotiations. It is one of the things they tell educators to look for in children misbehaving in class. It is something visible even in the youngest of babies - being tired makes us cranky. It's hard to be positive when we're cranky.
Put these three things together, and you have a recipe for a nightly freak-out. And it is only nightly. Because when I wake up, even though some of these thoughts are at the back of my brain, I don't really entertain them. I expect things will work out just fine. I expect kiddo will be born and while things will be a little tight initially, my writing will have started to gain serious traction allowing me to relax a bit more (at least financially). I expect in 5 years, Christian will have his own business doing *something* and it will be successful and fulfilling. I expect we'll have a reasonable little starter house, if not something bigger, and we may even have a little cabin in the woods for camping vacations with our kids. I expect I will be in good shape physically. I expect we will have a supportive community surrounding us, including a cadre of close friends that live where we live.
When I wake up every morning, and during most of the day, that is what I see for us in 5 years.
Today even, we drove past a potential community for us (we're seriously thinking about moving to a bigger apartment for less money). As we drove down the main street of the municipality I had to kind of smile as I caught my breath.
You see, I've seen that place. Don't get me wrong, I've never been there before in my life. But I've seen it - every day for the past 3 years. I've imagined myself walking down that main street, wearing a baby on my belly and holding the hand of a toddler. In this vision, the three of us are walking home to our house from daddy's successful business, in order to eat lunch and take the subsequent nap. I'm talking to my toddler about something - answering questions. It is a boy. The baby is in a woven multi-color sling or Moby wrap, but the main color is blue or teal.
While I have tried to visualize other things, this particular image stays with me. I see it, as I said, daily. It is a strange mental video clip, playing over and over in the back of my mind. I have told Christian about this little vision before, and I think he didn't believe it was real. And I tried to explain it to Christian, why I wasn't happy where we were. But "happy" isn't the right word - restless is better. It was more like, we had movement that needed to happen. Steps needed to be taken. I couldn't just sit still when I knew things needed to move to bring this vision to reality. And I knew it would be reality.
So when I told Christian this same thing today, he said, "I think we have to move then. Obviously this is where we need to be."
I'm writing these things because I feel, just as I felt back in January, that 2013 is an important year in our lives. I feel it in the deepest parts of me, and not just because of the baby. I feel every part of our lives will be affected - shifted into a new and exciting place. This is what I really believe, down below the fear, anxiety, and resulting nightly freak-out. I believe this is the result of efforts we've been making for some time. I believe it is something that has been actually destined.
Some people will think I'm a little crazy for saying these things. That's okay. They may blame it on pregnancy, though anyone who knows me also knows I was this way before. My life moves mysteriously, guided by gut instinct, dreams, and kismet. It is affirmed by deja vu and subtle signs too perfect to be coincidence. It is not a straight path and it is shrouded in the unknown, making it trying for even the most faith-filled person.
Still, when I follow it, it is always good. Always.
So tonight, when I freak out (because I will), Christian will remind me (because he will) of these things - things I know deep down. I'll get over my momentary panic, and drift off to sleep, while playing my mental movies of what is to come.