Quick Update

If you follow my author page on Facebook or Google+ profile,  then you already know I had my baby on Labor Day (yes, I know).

I will try to get winners picked for THE BROTHERS giveaway tomorrow (or today...my time is a little off these days). The other giveaways are necessarily postponed...as is publication of SIX DEGREES.

I'll give further details in my next post as to what to expect going forward.

Thanks for humoring me in this whirlwind time!

Encouragement for the Frustrated Indie Writer

The past few days have been a brief respite in a stormy sea. The result was I hadn't blogged as regularly as I might have. Sorry about that, except...well...I needed it.

I didn't do much related to writing either.

What I did do, reading popular YA novels and listening to feedback from my brother, was really reassuring and more helpful than I expected.

I'm not very good about consistently reading my fellow writers' works. It's not that I wouldn't, it's just that I usually don't have access to them. I might need to check out Wattpad not only to provide excerpts of my own work, but also to check out some of my neighborhood indie writers.

In any case, I had some much needed relaxation time, so I read.

I realized a few things. This author in particular (who shall remain nameless) really wrote more or less the same trilogy a second time...and they still became best sellers. What she changed was storyline stuff that I hate (oh well) and adding more sexy time (hot and heavy romance for YA that made me think was just short of bodice ripping...bleh). Several of the digital copies had significant errors...yet this woman is a national (and possibly international?) bestseller.

I feel a bit better about myself.

The second bit that was helpful the past few days was hearing from my brother. He hadn't read my books and then just...well...devoured them. He loved them. He reread JAMES like 3 times! Then he bought JEREMIAH and kept asking me for hints about what would happen in the story. He raced through THE BROTHERS and then bought LOVERS AND RIVALS. He also told me he thought my books would make great movies.

Yes, it is true he's my brother...but he doesn't mess around with books. If you can't hook my brother, he won't get hooked. He just won't finish the book. But this was more than just getting hooked - this was literary love. This was addiction where he can't wait to read the next book.

Having this knowledge, along with the few people who have given me feedback about my books (of which there are very few) really made me feel better about life in general. And I really, really needed it.

I was starting to think maybe I was wasting my time...again.

This is because it is so easy to get discouraged and feel like writing is a worthless exercise when there are thousands of people competing making it next to impossible to be found by readers. When I don't get feedback, it's easy to think I must not be any good.

It is so easy to feel like I should give up when I have been forced into such difficult times financially. I feel guilty for writing (and judged) even though whenever I have looked consistently for fulltime work, I haven't gotten a single interview. The only thing I can seem to get is part time...and so I feel judged, as though my financial situation was my fault for writing.

The irony is, if I had gotten fulltime work early on, I never would have started writing in the first place. Fulltime work would also make it difficult to continue writing.

So despite everything, I feel a little better about my vocation because of these two "small" things happening in the past few days. I say this even though my heartburn came back in less than an hour from being home (seems it is strictly stress related, eased on by pregnancy hormones - thanks pregnancy!). Clearly I'm in an uncomfortable place (to say the least) but I do have hope. I will not give up - not completely.

My books are good reads (ha!). This is no time to white flag it.

SWC Update - Press Releases and Leisurely Plans

Well, I finally sent out some press releases for JEREMIAH today. This happened after much research and muddling through contact pages, name lists, and deciding what was worth fiddling with and what wasn't.

I could still send out more.

I guess you could always send out more.

I'm not sure when you're supposed to stop when talking about a metropolitan area as large as the Bay. It feels like I could keep sending things out and always find another little news outlet or blogger that's concerned with things in the area.

I even sent things to television stations. I'm not sure if they'll do anything with it, but you never know. I can hope.

For the moment I'm going to try and finish BELOW THE BELT. It's the next fiction piece closest to being complete (formatting, editing, etc).  I do have a few more things I need to work on, but I'm recognizing this week for what it is - disjointed work time at best. So, with that in mind, I'm going to enjoy it for what it is and get done what I can.

That's all we can do.

Along those veins, I'm going to take a nap. I have to if I want to have any hope of surviving the rest of the day.... *sigh*

When You Lose It All

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you already know I asked for positive thoughts and prayers in the last day or so. If you've been keeping up with my various blogs, you know we've had a few hurdles this summer, except none of them was as big as the one that appeared this morning.

Christian lost his job.

I'm taking a deep breath now, so I can let that sink in again. It doesn't seem completely real. If I stop to think about it, I begin wondering about the logistics we face in the next month.

There are the bills we have to pay. There is the food we need in order to live. There is the fact that rent in the Bay is exorbitant and now, even with our loans on forbearance we don't have the income to support the measly loft where we currently reside. There's the fact that we have a baby on the way and I'm not sure what our insurance situation is going to look like, or if we will have to move out of the area and look for a new care provider in the last few weeks of my pregnancy. Oh, did I mention we don't have any baby gear AT ALL right now? There is no car seat, no diapers (cloth or otherwise), and no place for kiddo to sleep.

We are, more than ever before, at a crossroads. We have nothing. There is no emergency fund. There is no job waiting in the wings. We have fallen as low as we've ever fallen and there is no net (Thanks America for not believing social democracy is a thing worth pursuing! You've made this possible!).

We have three main things we can do (and I'm not even sure if they're doable):

1. Christian can file for unemployment.
2. Christian can apply for jobs.
3.  We can try to start our own business.

These could all happen at the same time. They're not mutually exclusive, and frankly, I think they're all worth pursuing at this point. As such, my writing and publishing goals are going to be put on hold while I help Christian get things going. Being able to eat, having a place to sleep, and taking care of the baby are my top priorities. I don't think I'll completely stop working on book stuff, but I doubt that I'll be able to be nearly as aggressive as I wanted to be. If I can get 3 or 4 books published this summer, considering the craziness surrounding our living situation, I'll be amazed and incredibly proud of myself.

Granted, if I still pulled off publishing 7 books I would call that something near miraculous.

Whatever the case, print versions of the books are going to be put on hold until I have money to spend on purchasing proofs (you have to order a proof of each book to check for errors, formatting etc). The cost of the proofs varies depending on the type of book (binding and size), as well as the number of pages, and whether it is in color or black and white. I'm disappointed by this, but I don't have a choice at the moment.

I can't submit stories to magazines with reading fees.

The reality of my present situation is starting to set in, especially as how this will impact my personal goals.

And it hurts.

Even though I know practically what will happen on Monday (we'll put our loans on forbearance or deferment, start the unemployment papers, apply for jobs, and begin developing a business plan) I don't know what will happen to us after that. So much hangs in the balance. This is such a big change and it is incredibly scary and painful. I have to believe there is a reason for all this. I have to believe this was a way to clear the slate, to allow for something bigger and better. After all, I have been feeling like this year was going to be a big year. Maybe this had to happen to allow for the really good stuff to come into our lives. I hope so. I don't know that I'll be able to handle a lower fall.

SWC: Modifying Publishing Goals

I'm a bit embarrassed about how unproductive I've been thus far this week. Through a combination of appointments, meetings, exhaustion, heat, and a new supplement with a sedating effect, my schedule has been completely trashed.

Fortunately my resolve wasn't trashed along with productivity. If anything my resolve and motivation has been strengthened over the past few days. Through conversations with friends, blogging across my different blogs, and a great deal of introspection, I am even more committed to my plan than before, though I realize there will be some modifications.


It's become clear the blog tours aren't going to happen during the summer, though I wanted them to. Instead, I'm going to focus on press releases and giveaways. I may have some guest posts going at various blogs, but it seems the tours themselves may have to wait until after the baby, or possibly get scraped all together.

Print formatting is something I need to do for all my books. Even though every holiday brings more purchases of ereaders and various tablets, many people still prefer print books. Unfortunately formatting for print is the thing I procrastinate the most (typically I want to shoot myself in the face about an hour into actually doing it). That means I need Christian to at least be hanging around pushing me to get it done. This is a new lesson I learned about myself, but thankfully I now know what I need in order to get this part of goal done (and hopefully reach new readers).

I have three books I'm interested in finishing writing & publishing for my summer challenge. I've chosen to focus on these rather than other projects (the two non-fiction books that only have vague ties to my current focus areas). Two of these should be quick, even with some minor research (pregnancy related). The third is a fiction piece that has ties to my interests in religion (and has a fantastic first chapter that will get you seriously hooked if I do say so myself).

I realize working on these last three projects may push me a little against the wire, especially if I have more weeks like this one. However, tomorrow is a new day, full with possibilities. I can only do what I can do, and I can't berate myself for things outside of my control.

With that in mind, There are 3 focus areas I have for this next week:

• Print formatting completed for finished books along with covers etc. (bleh!)
• Writing the last three books
• Press releases for the finished books

 If I can get these things done this week I will be incredibly proud of myself and will feel a lot more secure about moving forward. Cross your fingers for me and I'll keep you updated!

SWC: Fleshing Things Out

It's getting down to the wire. I feel it acutely as I look at the calendar and start thinking about scheduling blog tours for the books - the books that still need more time and love. BELOW THE BELT still needs some development, JEREMIAH needs polishing, and my non-fiction books need some serious research and collecting of websites and blurbs (the Art book less than the Local one, and the Religion one least of all...still...formatting. Bleh.). LILITH has received no feedback yet, so I'm not sure what needs to be done with that one, and ANDREW isn't finished. Pure and simple.

My stomach is knotted and slowly sinking (or rising...depending on the moment).

That overwhelming sinking feeling is threatening to overpower me as I think about when the baby is due and how much I haven't been working on my books. I've been researching so much about marketing that I haven't been spending enough time on actually ensuring the books are together and ready. It's a balancing act that is foreign to me, and frankly stress-inducing (which I'm told is really bad for pregnancy, but I also know that if I don't do this now, I may not get another chance for some time).

In an effort to focus more on writing and finishing books, I refused to turn on my ancient media PC and high-tailed it to the kitchen table (where I currently reside). This has multiple benefits:

1. I can't get distracted by movies.
2. I won't get overheated on the second floor (it is seriously 5 degrees hotter up there!).
3. I can still put my feet up on the nearby chair (to avoid leg swelling - thanks pregnancy!).

Let's see how productive I am today and then I'll get back to you about how well this plan worked. So far, I've gotten a few different things on my list completed. We'll see how many more I can finish. Wish me luck!

Why Choose This Over That - Naming Blogs

I am seriously having a rough time figuring out a name for this new blog. I'm beginning to wonder if I should even try separating my content because everything I like is already taken (and half of that was taken in 2006 and then never heard from again - I'm tempted to contact these people and ask them to delete their blogs for me!). The stuff I'm luke warm about is well, luke warm.

Christian told me, "it's just a name!" But you and I both know names are important. It's not just something that helps create the reality of the thing (you are your name, whether you want to be or not). It's also something that will (or won't) bring traffic. All the cutesy mommy blog names make me want to barf, but those are the things people search for.

I want it to be later so I can break out my laptop and be more systematic in my search for a name. I want to get started already on this stupid blog (or have someone tell me I'm being ridiculous and should just keep muddling through my mix of pregnancy and writing posts).

I hate this. I hate waiting. I hate making other people wait. I hate the heartburn that has returned with a vengeance after a few weeks hiatus.

Damn.

I've had like 20 pregnancy post ideas since I tried to stop posting them on this blog. This seems stupid. It seems counter productive. I'm getting annoyed with this plan.

It's almost as bad as the search for a girl name (which by the way, we only kind of like - alright, *I* only kind of like). It feels like settling. I hate settling. But then again, I can't remember the process of choosing the name for this blog. I can't remember exactly why I did what I did there, or how I felt about it.

The issue isn't so much the title you see as the link itself. The title could change, if needed. The link is forever...I think.

Man this heartburn is bad.

I think the stress of trying to find a name for this blog along with my allergies and trying to get all the Summer Writing Challenge stuff done is getting to me. Then again, the kiddo could be kicking my stomach just so. Baby has been pretty active in the last hour, so it could be that.

Sigh.

This brings me to once again call on my friends and readers: what names do you like for a blog? Does it even matter? How searchable should the title be? Does that matter if post titles are super searchable (Yes ladies and gentlemen, this is what keeps me up at night. Something is wrong with me.)? Leave a comment or mention me on Twitter (@alexisdonkin)!

Blog Update and SWC Day 27

Well, I'm still struggling with a title for the parenting/pregnancy blog, which is why I haven't posted anything related to that. Today isn't a regularly scheduled day for this blog (moving forward) but I didn't want to leave you all hanging while I figure this stuff out.

In the mean time, today I worked on some pieces of my media kit (some which can be used for any book while others are more book specific). I also finished the cover art for ANDREW (even though the book itself is still being written... geez Alexis!). Add to all this the fact I got some research done for my ART guide/how-to book and even a little writing for it. I'm feeling pretty productive (despite having a ridiculously low step count on my pedometer, but at least I got SOMETHING done!).

So, while I didn't stick perfectly to my schedule (or *exactly* to some of my goals - like the step count) I feel like things are continuing in the right direction.

That said, if you have suggestions for a title for the parenting/pregnancy blog PLEASE leave a comment or mention me on Twitter (@alexisdonkin). I am open to hearing suggestions (though I can't promise I'll use them!).

Major Blog Changes

Okay guys. I have a plan and I'm going to be implementing it in the next two weeks.

As some of you may know, I have several other blogs I've been sitting on for a while. It is officially time to resurrect them. The reason is the purpose for this blog has changed, and the content I'm writing has changed.

After reading a number of blogger sites about blog development, demographics, advertising, sponsors, and marketing, it makes the most sense to split my posting between my interests in a reasonable and understandable way.

This means I will no longer be posting daily, but several times a week on this blog, as well as a new blog I will devote to parenting/pregnancy etc (which will hopefully be up by the end of the week...or tomorrow). I will continue to post some general life posts here on this blog, however this will primarily be my fiction/creative non-fiction blog. Likewise, I will have a self-development/awesome blog where I just put how-tos and examples of going big v going home (and some updates on how I've made certain things in my life work *well*). Posts to this self-development blog, as well as a fourth blog (related to religion) will only happen once a week. These posts will all be SCHEDULED so there will be posts happening regularly on specific days for each blog.

The reason I'm doing this is because my interests are pretty wide. I think it will be easier to tailor my posts for my audiences, as well as build better connections with fellow bloggers and potential affiliates. For those who aren't interested in my fiction exploits, you can avoid them. For those who aren't interested in my pregnancy exploits, you'll never have to see them. Plus I think Adsense will, well, make more sense on the blogs. Right now it appears confused. :-/

As these changes take place, please be patient. There are probably going to be some hiccups along the way. I will be experimenting with some things, so the blogs may look slightly different for a little while.

Please let me know if you have had any success with certain widgets/gadgets/blog-related things in the comments below (or mention me on Twitter: @alexisdonkin). I'd love to hear your thoughts!

SWC - Break From Writing

Clearly I haven't posted much in the past few days. Well, I haven't done much of anything.

I did do some cover art (for 3 different books) and I did write about 1000 or so words. I feel a little guilty, but I also feel like one thing is clear - I need a break.

I think I'm tired of writing so much so consistently. With the heat of my loft, the end of my job, and a few other things up in the air, I just needed a little time away from writing.

I think I still do.

That said, I figure if I'm still working on something related to the challenge, I'm good. The question is, what does that mean?

Rewriting, formatting, marketing,  and cover design all take time. In fact they take more time than actually writing books. With the non-fiction books I have some research I have to do as well. I'm dreading that, even though it probably won't be soooo bad (I hope it's not so bad!).

At the same time, I'm beginning to doubt my ability to get all of this done. I'm freaking out a little bit. I was counting on my nesting instinct to carry me through,  but I underestimated the general discomforts of late pregnancy. And I miss my non-pregnant abilities.

And I have to get this done.

I will feel like a failure if I don't.

Even if I don't post updates to this blog religiously, I have to keep going. Hopefully today I can get something else book related done. Hopefully that thing will be big and I'll feel like I have accomplished something.

Even with finishing 3 manuscripts so far, I still feel like I haven't accomplished anything. Maybe it's the past week, or the fact that I haven't yet published something as part of my challenge. I'm getting really antsy. I don't want to go to work because afternoon is the time I'm most productive these days, and I don't want to waste another second. I want to stay home and get something done. It is incredibly frustrating. The whole thing makes me feel crazy! Maybe that's why I stopped; I felt like it was a futile exercise.

But I can't stop. I don't know what will happen in September and I need to be publishing. I need my name out there. I need to be the person I am in my head, even if no one else sees it. I need to be the person in the room with a nuke even though it's a knife fight. I need this. I have to have it. It must be done.

The Truth About Exercise During Pregnancy

I have a tough time doing it. Well, I feel like I have a tough time doing anything except eating and peeing. Sleeping isn't even a comfortable endeavor these days, so why would exercise be any better?

The benefits of exercise are many, even during pregnancy. They have been proven and established and no one doubts them - not really. And I want to enjoy these benefits. I like exercising in general. The problem is cardio these days is a recipe for serious leg swelling. A 20 minute phone conversation offers enough time for me to pace/walk my legs to uncomfortable thickness.

Stretching is okay, assuming I can get up and move into position. Stretches however need to be modified so I don't smoosh kiddo or cut off circulation to my heart. There are a few alternative stretches I FINALLY found for certain parts (like hips) which I can actually do. It only took me 6 months...

Strength training is okay too, but I can't lift as much as before. The other day I tried to do bicep curls using my customary 8 lb weights and by the end of my first set I was out of breath and really struggling. This is a brand new development. The result is I have to go back to 5 lb weights. Hopefully this will be okay (as far as straining etc) and will offer me some actual resistence. It's been a while since I used 5 lbs. I just hope my arms continue moving in a positive direction despite the lower weight.

But all these only occur when I have enough energy and motivation. I am still doing better than I did in the first trimester, but only a little. Now I struggle to move and instead of nausea and exhaustion, I have to overcome my body and exhaustion. It feels like something is always getting in the way - my belly, my swollen legs, my lung capacity... Everything is modified and even then, I just can't do what I could before.

And I read recommendations by experts and recall those from my midwives and I laugh, and balk. I don't know who these people are who are able to walk vigorously for 1 hr 5 times a week, but they aren't me. I don't know these people who can do Zumba or circuit training throughout their pregnancies, but I kind of hate them. I would love to be a super active pregnant lady, but I just can't. I struggle with getting my writing goals done. I struggle with shifting position in bed.

This is where I am. My little dirt plot is being overtaken with weeds, my recycling is overflowing, and I can't waddle down the stairs without gripping the railing. I have to pee 20 times an hour and eat every 2. I take naps, which make me feel better than sleeping at night (because I always wake up aching the next day). So exercise? When I can do it (modified), when the stars align and my body isn't totally exhausted, I feel pretty good. Well, until I finish I feel good. Then when I'm done I need to take a nap.

How My Students Made Pregnant Me Cry

They did it. They finally did it.

My students made me cry.

Now, I will freely admit I am an emotional person even when I'm not pregnant. I feel things very deeply (and my feelings have the unfortunate ability to affect things around me, such as breaking appliances). When I'm excited, I'm really excited, and when I'm freaked, I'm really freaked - at least for a little while. Then I can usually come back to a calm equilibrium in about 5 minutes and get on with life.

Well, pregnancy doesn't really let me do that. While sometimes I can cry or laugh or snap for no reason, and go back to being normal in a second (like, literally - switch emotions on a dime), other times I can't shake my emotional state. It keeps looming, making it difficult to function. This can be so intense that I will end up sobbing and weeping for hours.

Of course, it's always made worse when I can't let my emotions out completely. So you can imagine how bad today was. Not only were my students acting out by standing up and not working on their projects, but they were also LOUDLY complaining (complaining about having to stay in art, complaining about the project, complaining that it was hard - and all VERY loudly and obviously).

The class in question is probably my worst behaviorally. This is a little surprising because I have a lot of students who are really excellent in it. They really are. And they suffer every class because the other half of the students just don't want to listen or to help. Their good behavior just isn't enough to outweigh and influence those who are displaying bad behavior.

Well, after trying to get through origami instructions for a cool project (jumping frogs! They're fun! They jump! Everyone who has made them has loved them!), I snapped. I had to stop probably 10 times to get them to stop talking (half of which was loud and obvious complaining) and I was done. I almost lost it in class because I was so upset. In the end, I let them have recess because I didn't want to be around them any more. I wasn't sure what I would do, or what I *should* do (i.e. who I should call to deal with them for me while I hid in the bathroom). But I also didn't want to break down at work because I didn't want to have to leave with blotchy skin and tear tracks down my cheeks.

Well, I did end up crying a little outside during recess. Then I cried a little more when I told my supervisor about the misbehavior and what we should do about it. In the end, I know we'll come up with a solution (already have an idea of what will happen).

The thing is, I couldn't stop crying.

I kept crying. Once I got in the car, I couldn't stop. It just kept coming. Luckily when a toddler ran out into the street outside the school, I had the presence of mind to stop well before he crossed in front of my car. But once I got onto the main drag, I don't think I would have been as aware. I was barely registering the color of the traffic lights. I stopped crying enough to get out of my car when I got home. Then once inside, I started sobbing again. I sobbed as I got my snack. I sobbed as I filled up my water bottle. I sobbed while I was putting away dirty dishes.

I was so upset, I was just short of throwing up. I actually wretched several times.

This is not my normal reaction to misbehaving students - at least not with this level of misbehavior (someone would have to make me feel REALLY badly about myself before I would cry this much). Yes, this class is a repeat offender, but it's only 2 hours of my week. I can generally deal with herding cats for 2 hours of each week. It's not that bad. Really.

Except I'm pregnant.

And today just happened to be a crazy hormone surge - or something. For whatever reason, my emotions were just really intense today. It could have been anything that set me off. I know this because after watching Brave this past week (twice!), I cried horribly when the main character was trying to save her mom. Like really crying. In fact I couldn't stop crying. So it wasn't that I blame my students (although I do want them to follow instructions). I don't. My reaction was from the fact that cannot control my emotional reactions the same way as before I was pregnant. And I don't know when I'll have extreme reactions or not. I just know that they happen and there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm hoping in the last few weeks of the program these kids won't give me so much grief, but I know this is probably wishful thinking. So, if I feel an intense reaction coming on, I guess I'll just have to call in reinforcements. Here's hoping that works.

Stop With The Unsolicited Baby Advice!

Pregnancy and parenthood are two things everyone feels is everyone's business. And maybe on the extreme ends of the spectrum that's true. When a person is obviously beating their kid, yeah, it's our business. When a person is smothering their kid to death or spoiling them rotten, yeah, it's probably our business. After all, we have to deal with the consequences of those kinds of choices as a society. Morally in the worst parenting situations we need to step in.

But what about those choices that are a little less societal? What about those micro choices? What about those choices that above all impact the chooser rather than everyone else? Do we have the right to swoop in and offer ridiculous amounts of advice just because something worked for us with one or two kids in our particular context?

That's some bullshit.

Just like every pregnancy is different, and every birth is different, so is every parent. Every family is different because the combination of people involved is unique. Yes, the extremes are of concern. Yes there are generalities we can make (like how eating balanced food and exercise are generally good for everyone - duh! Of course!). HOWEVER, I am not foolhardy enough to go in and say I know what is best for my neighbor. I don't know their kid. I don't know their parenting style. I don't know how they approach conflict or what they value or what their love languages are. How the hell can I come in and give unsolicited advice and think it will be useful, let alone welcome?!

So, let's make sure everyone gets one thing straight: I'm going to do what I'm going to do. I've already made my decisions about what I can do and what I will not do when it comes to pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting. These choices are based on several things:

1. Personal preference as it relates to communication, life expectations, personal experience, and values.
2. Research and conclusions by experts in various fields (which believe it or not, includes childbirth, baby gear, sleep training, breastfeeding, and diapering not to mention half a dozen other things!).
3. Finances - which will be more limited as I will be staying at home rather than working outside the house.
4. Space - which again is limited because we currently live in a loft apartment.

So, if you have similar preferences to mine AND experience with a tight budget AND having a baby in a small apartment, then yes I want to hear from you. But if you're living in a 5 bedroom house with a 2 car garage, a maid, and over $200k annually, then please - SHUT UP!

Let's get another thing straight: yes I may be a first time mom. Yes I know I don't know everything that will happen or how every single minute of every day of parenthood will be. That said, I've read about all kinds of things. I've done my research, reading experts and studies. I've seen documentaries. I've visited non-profit sites with all kinds of information about all kinds of things. Add to this the fantastic role models I've had (yay Mom and Dad!), and I feel like I'm as prepared as I can possibly be in the developing world.

My kid will be just fine. Yep. Pretty sure about that.

Keep in mind, I've planned for this. This wasn't accidental. I know I'm in for a ride. I know this is life-changing. I'm prepared for that to happen. I've done it before in different ways. I can do this. This is MY party. It's MY experience. Let me have it. If I need help, believe me, I'll ask. I'm not shy. But please, just wait for me to ask!

The Pregnant Glucose Tolerance Test

This morning I got up ridiculously early to get my glucose tolerance test done. This is a test taken between 24 and 28 weeks in pregnancy to diagnose gestational diabetes, and as far as I can tell, every preggo lady gets it (well, some incarnation of it anyway).

The test itself involves fasting for at least 8 hours, then getting blood drawn (usually accompanied by a second vial at this point to do a complete blood count). Once this first vial is taken, you get to drink this cold orange flavored drink which tastes something between orange Pedialyte and flat orange soda. You have to drink it really quickly (within 5 minutes). Then when you finish downing the drink, you have to let them know. They note the time, and then in an hour they draw your blood again. At 2 hours they take a third vial.

At the end of this 2 hour ordeal you know whether or not you have gestational diabetes. Well, the test results get sent to your doctor's (or midwife's) office within 2 days. So technically, you don't find out immediately, but still - you know the same week whether or not you'll be sticking yourself regularly for the remainder of your 9 months.

Now, if you're sensitive to glucose, after you drink that sugary orange gross, you'll probably have some kind of reaction. A lot of people get some nausea and most people have a serious crash. Some people feel sick for the entire day after their test.

Needless to say, I was prepared for this. I was already worried about being hungry which is usually a disaster for me, so I wasn't sure how my body would handle the sugar. I know I've experienced sugar crashes before (eating something really sugary on a nearly empty stomach and then awhile later getting sleepy). That said, I couldn't remember a time I'd done this with a completely empty stomach. This was why I decided to do the test on a day off. I wanted Christian to drive me, but he would have needed to take some time off of work and now that the shop is in its busy season, that didn't really seem feasible. So I rallied my spirits and drove myself, preparing for the worst with a bottle of water, some beef jerky, and almonds to eat after the test.

Well, all my concern was for naught.

I didn't get nauseous. I didn't even feel faint when they took the blood (I hate getting my blood taken, so to go get it done by myself and not even get a little queasy was nothing short of miraculous). I didn't start to feel sleepy until about 15 minutes after my second blood draw. At the second blood draw, the tech asked me if I was feeling sleepy or sick, and when I said not yet, she smiled and told me that was a good sign. Apparently that indicates my body is producing enough insulin - which makes sense. People who are more sensitive to sugar and have a harder time balancing its effects would likely have more symptoms. But I didn't.

Then again, I didn't think I would really have any problems. Even though some of my extended family have diabetes, no one to my knowledge has had gestational diabetes. Plus I myself have never been much for sugar. I would choose meat, cheese, and vegetables over cake, candy, and cookies every time. I love savory food. If I could eat only dessert or dinner for the rest of my life (without any negative consequences) I would choose dinner.

Seriously. I would eat dinner for dessert after dinner. I get a little sad when my meat is gone from my plate (even before pregnancy - not joking).

Okay, yes I do like sugar sometimes. I'm not some weird Stepford wife, but I would be fine if I never had anything frosted ever again. It makes sense that my body hasn't had to work to keep my blood sugar in balance (thus creating insulin resistance) because I haven't ever overwhelmed it - not really.

Besides the fact that I am not a sugar fiend, I am a protein fiend (see above reference to getting sad about finishing my meat). Protein actually helps your body keep your blood sugar in check. I'm not arguing that everyone should overload on protein - that would be a bad idea too, BUT it's worth eating enough protein to balance out whatever else you're eating.

Last night, for example, my late night snack was almonds. I ate almonds for 2 reasons. First because my midwife told me they help with heartburn and I didn't want to eat anything later to deal with that (yay for heartburn prevention!). Secondly, almonds have protein in them and I didn't want to eat something sweet and screw up my numbers before my test. Did eating almonds instead of icecream help with my test this morning? Well, I'm not sure (I do still have to wait for confirmation that I won't be pricking my finger daily). Still I know it didn't hurt it.

Now I just need to wait. Hopefully by Friday I'll find out that I'm perfectly healthy with good sugar levels and good iron levels (Remember that fourth vial that was taken? Checking for anemia!). In the mean time, I'll try not to worry about it and enjoy my balanced dinners just like I always do.

Why Water is My Pregnancy's Bestfriend

I'm not a big drinker. Like most people, I live my life a little too concentrated, despite being told repeatedly that I should drink a certain number of cups per day.

Well in pregnancy water becomes even more important. I'm not saying this because millions of experts say these things, but rather because I have personally experienced the effects of dehydration in pregnancy. Yes, I was bad. I'm still not great on a daily basis, but I'm trying, and here's why: increased blood volume and amniotic fluid.

Because I am making a whole other human, when I don't drink enough water strange things happen regarding blood pressure. I don't just get the lovely headache behind the eyes, or extreme dry mouth. No, I can get white swirls in my vision. I can get down right dizzy. I can even get uterine cramps. I also get more swelling in my legs as well as leg cramps. This is on top of being incredibly cranky because whenever I'm thrown out of balance in pregnancy, I become beastly.

However, if I'm good about drinking water, my skin is happier and my heartburn is less (but only if I'm *consistently* drinking water). I feel better over all and fewer things seem to bother me.

Of course, drinking enough water means I literally have to take a sip every few minutes. I need to drink about 4 liters of water daily with the amount of activity I've been doing and the temperature outside (mid 70s). This seems excessive, but I'm telling you - if I don't drink about that much, things get uncomfortable.

So for the next few months, I won't be able to go anywhere without a water bottle (though I hear breastfeeding requires equally insane amounts of water). I guess hauling a large bottle of water everywhere is just prepping me slowly for carrying all the baby crap I'll need everywhere I go come September.

The Nightly Pregnancy Freak-out v. Reality

The last few hours of every day while I've been pregnant have been rough. Every day I do the same thing. About 2 hours before I go to sleep I start freaking out about some aspect (or multiple if I'm having a spectacular day) of my life.

Then about an hour before bed, I go on a 20 minute rant on how that thing is falling apart and how I want life to be better or different. Last night it was my body and my body image. Usually it involves finances or our living situation.

And it's horrible.

It makes Christian feel horrible (which honestly bothers me more) and it doesn't really make me feel better, except to voice my concerns. But I can't stop myself from doing it.

I have a theory why it happens the way this nightly negative rant does. First, I *do* tend to be more negative when I'm hormonal. It's something I noticed before pregnancy, so it makes sense that during pregnancy when my body is being flooded with hormones I would have some of that same freak-out factor.

Second, I am always at least a little uncomfortable. Right now, for example, my hip is in pain (now a nightly occurance) and I have moderate heartburn/acid reflux. Even though my eyes are tired and I want to go back to sleep, I doubt I can because of my physical discomfort. Physical discomfort is something that batters against a person's mental state. It's hard to be positive when I'm physically uncomfortable. Of course it will make me a little cranky! I'm in pain!

Third, being tired is a fast track to negativity. It is one of the states in which you should never attempt negotiations. It is one of the things they tell educators to look for in children misbehaving in class. It is something visible even in the youngest of babies - being tired makes us cranky. It's hard to be positive when we're cranky.

Put these three things together, and you have a recipe for a nightly freak-out. And it is only nightly. Because when I wake up, even though some of these thoughts are at the back of my brain, I don't really entertain them. I expect things will work out just fine. I expect kiddo will be born and while things will be a little tight initially, my writing will have started to gain serious traction allowing me to relax a bit more (at least financially). I expect in 5 years, Christian will have his own business doing *something* and it will be successful and fulfilling. I expect we'll have a reasonable little starter house, if not something bigger, and we may even have a little cabin in the woods for camping vacations with our kids. I expect I will be in good shape physically. I expect we will have a supportive community surrounding us, including a cadre of close friends that live where we live.

When I wake up every morning, and during most of the day, that is what I see for us in 5 years.

Today even, we drove past a potential community for us (we're seriously thinking about moving to a bigger apartment for less money). As we drove down the main street of the municipality I had to kind of smile as I caught my breath.

You see, I've seen that place. Don't get me wrong, I've never been there before in my life. But I've seen it - every day for the past 3 years. I've imagined myself walking down that main street, wearing a baby on my belly and holding the hand of a toddler. In this vision, the three of us are walking home to our house from daddy's successful business, in order to eat lunch and take the subsequent nap. I'm talking to my toddler about something - answering questions. It is a boy. The baby is in a woven multi-color sling or Moby wrap, but the main color is blue or teal.

While I have tried to visualize other things, this particular image stays with me. I see it, as I said, daily. It is a strange mental video clip, playing over and over in the back of my mind. I have told Christian about this little vision before, and I think he didn't believe it was real. And I tried to explain it to Christian, why I wasn't happy where we were. But "happy" isn't the right word - restless is better. It was more like, we had movement that needed to happen. Steps needed to be taken. I couldn't just sit still when I knew things needed to move to bring this vision to reality. And I knew it would be reality.

So when I told Christian this same thing today, he said, "I think we have to move then. Obviously this is where we need to be."

I'm writing these things because I feel, just as I felt back in January, that 2013 is an important year in our lives. I feel it in the deepest parts of me, and not just because of the baby. I feel every part of our lives will be affected - shifted into a new and exciting place. This is what I really believe, down below the fear, anxiety, and resulting nightly freak-out. I believe this is the result of efforts we've been making for some time. I believe it is something that has been actually destined.

Some people will think I'm a little crazy for saying these things. That's okay. They may blame it on pregnancy, though anyone who knows me also knows I was this way before. My life moves mysteriously, guided by gut instinct, dreams, and kismet. It is affirmed by deja vu and subtle signs too perfect to be coincidence. It is not a straight path and it is shrouded in the unknown,  making it trying for even the most faith-filled person.

Still, when I follow it, it is always good. Always.

So tonight, when I freak out (because I will), Christian will remind me (because he will) of these things - things I know deep down. I'll get over my momentary panic, and drift off to sleep, while playing my mental movies of what is to come.

Top Ten Best Things About Pregnancy

Since I've been having a poopy-pants week (this is a technical term referring to mood and general wellness, not the state of my actual pants) I decided to make a post about things I like in pregnancy. So what's so great about being preggo? In no particular order:

1. People do things for me. They volunteer to do things for me without being asked, sometimes even things I *could* do for myself, though I can't do much, so this is not just nice but sort of essential. Like lifting or moving chairs, holding doors, or sweeping. Pretty much I can sit back and delegate all essential tasks to others. Oh, by the way, I need a foot rub and a virgin strawberry daiquiri. Thanks!

2. My husband babies me, like literally. This is sort of an extension of number 1. While I don't want to overwork him or take advantage, it's kind of nice to have him cook breakfast and dinner regularly as well as clean the tub. And even though I think it's a little weird, I even like him painting my toenails. And slathering me with sunblock like I'm 5. The occassional backrub is pretty sweet as well. :-)

3. People don't expect much from me. I guess this is the flipside to the above, but it deserves its own time in the sun. I can sit down at work, I can sleep any time, I can cry in the middle of the mall and its fine because I'm pregnant and I get a pass! So all those things that are awkward and make me feel like a toddler, yeah, those are acceptable (of course you start crying when you're hungry - you're preggers!). The best thing about it, I'm cute when I do these things, not annoying. Sweet!

4. I can nap any time. Yes, it does get inconvenient when I'm sleeping 18 hours a day, but normally I can't sleep just whenever. This is like a special near narcoleptic superpower that I just can't ignore. Bright fluorescent lights? Screaming children? Excessively loud car stereo blasting gangsta rap? Mini rave light show with lasers and strobing lights? Epic thunderstorm? Creepy horror flick? No problem. 3, 2, 1 - SLEEP!

5. Curves are good. My belly, boobs, and ass are good things. They're encouraged. People worry if they're too small. FOR ONCE AMERICA YOU KNOW WHAT'S UP! Thank you! I will now proceed to wear a tight-ass shirt displaying just how big my baby-bump is. And you will take my picture saying how awesome my body is. Oh yeah!

6. I can eat. I'm not an emotional eater, but I do love food. I really do. It's nice to be able to order the additional side without feeling guilty, just because I want it. Plus, people don't judge me when I do. They encourage it! So when I eat as much as my husband or more, it's okay. Really. Pig out!

7. Food tastes WAY better than normal - like nearly orgasmic. Seriously. It's really amazingly wonderful. I find myself savoring every bite, even when I'm wolfing it down. I will actually miss this. It means even bland things are incredible. Who knew puffed rice cereal could be so fantastic?!

8. I have detective levels of smell. I can pick apart exactly who was where and for how long when I'm in a place based on the smells. I can tell you if something is wrong with your car, or if some recipe isn't right based on smell alone. Yeah, I'm like a wolfgirl that way. So cool.

9. People call me beautiful to my face even when I'm fat, greasy, and exhausted. It's often called "glowing." I can have zits, bags under my eyes, and be totally flushed; it doesn't seem to matter. It's so nice! Definitely going to miss that one, especially the few months after birth. Sigh.

10.  Nesting mania is AMAZING! I love that stuff! I want it ALL the time! If I had nesting instinct going 24/7 I might die of a coronary, but I'd also be more productive than Martha Stewart! Her party favors would have NOTHING on mine. And I've figured out how to feed the hungry, world peace, and crochet. Just saying.

Being pregnant *definitely* has its perks.

SWC Day 15: Writing is Just Not Happening

Okay the preggo problems are seriously hampering me now. I was only able to get to 41,160 today, which didn't even bring me to yesterday's goal of 42,169. Eek!

I'm just sooooo tired. I'm exhausted and I just can't get into ANDREW's story. Maybe it's because it's depressing at this point in the book, or because I know too much about what needs to happen (I hate that - I like the revelation of a story rather than having it all planned.). I'm leaning towards a combination of these factors.

Of course, the leg issues I've been having are certainly contributing to my writing problems. This sounds strange I know, but let me explain. Most writers have a space they use consistently to work. It helps keep writing and life separate. It helps us get into a groove. I prefer to write downstairs at my dining room table, which isn't conducive to putting my legs up. I have to put my legs up to combat the swelling and leg cramps I've been getting. It's much more comfortable for me to be on my bed, propped up by my Snoogle. When I sit on my bed like that, it makes me succumb to my exhaustion (You see the vicious cycle here, right?).

I'm not sure what to do here. I need to keep pushing myself, but I think 4500 words at this point is too ambitious considering my current situation. Should I dumb it down to 3000? 2000? What do you think? Leave me a comment or mention me on Twitter with your thoughts! I need to keep pushing myself to finish this book, but I also need a goal that is achievable, otherwise I'll get discouraged and may just stop (which is NOT an option for me at this point).

Second Trimester Exhaustion and Other Lies

People need to stop lying to me. Seriously. The websites, the preggo books, and people need to stop saying things that are complete falsehoods.

They said the second trimester would be a jam-packed energy fest. They said it was supposed to be comfortable (conveniently neglecting to mention swollen knees and nightly leg cramps).

Whaaaaaaa?!?! LIARS!!

Ahem.

To be fair, I did have a lot more energy until last week. Now the exhaustion is coming back. I've got 3+ weeks before I hit trimester the third. You'd never know it, because those things I was informed would be third trimester issues are happening now.

The exhaustion means I sleep all morning...practically every morning. The swelling means I can't stay on my feet very long. Weeeell when I sit down I kind of don't want to get up again...or write...or anything at all. It doesn't seem to matter if I'm thirsty or even hungry (though hungry might win over tired if I wait long enough). The tiredness is overwhelming.

It's no wonder Christian is worried I might be anemic. I'm sitting now...I might have to take a second nap today. This is a problem. It's making my goals much more difficult to accomplish. Gaaaahhhh! Good thing I only intended one more fiction book as part of my writing goals. Otherwise forget it.

I don't know how some women work full time with this stuff going on. I don't know how some women exercise religiously throughout their pregnancies. If I get anywhere close to my goals with writing and exercise I'm proud (and simultaneously disappointed but...what can I say? I'm competitive.).

I may have to ease up on myself. I may have no choice. Pushing myself til I'm about to collapse isn't an option. It's just not. So instead, I'll take it down a notch again (sigh) and hopefully continue a steady stream of work and exercise in the last few months of pregnancy.

The Dreaded Charley Horse: Leg Cramps in Pregnancy

Last night I terrified Christian.

I woke up to excruciating pain in my calf muscle. I couldn't seem to stretch my leg. I couldn't seem to do anything. I tried to wiggle my ankle around - my toes - anything. Everything was painful. I was gasping and crying out as anyone does in extreme sharp pain.

This of course woke up Christian and he proceeded to freak out. After all, what if these were abdominal cramps? What if I was experiencing preterm labor? He kept asking me what was wrong. When I was able to hear him asking, I realized how bad it must have looked, and how terrified he must have been.

Quietly I replied that it was my leg cramping. He asked which one. I thought he would have massaged the thing if I'd let him. Of course, the problem was I had to pee (just my luck). Thankfully when I put my foot on the floor, the pressure helped the pain to subside. I hobbled to the bathroom. When I came back to bed, Christian was much calmer. I let him know the pain was mostly gone.

After doing a few impromptu in-bed stretches, I slowly went back to sleep.

This morning when I woke, my leg was still sore. It was clear I needed to read up on leg cramps.

Apparently a lot of the same things that cause leg cramps are related to swelling. The same things you do to prevent swelling, are those you can do to prevent leg cramps. Things like drinking water and stretching are important, as well as making sure you have good circulation. Clearly I'm never crossing my legs again (at least not until after September) and will be stretching my leg muscles every 30 minutes until this baby is out.

As I write this my ankles are crossed.

I'm already failing at this game. Damn.