The End (A Poem)

There are so many thoughts running through my head. At first I thought I would just journal, but then I thought maybe there are some other people who are experiencing these things.

So, as a writer tends to do, I will share. This piece reflects on issues within the last few chapters of THRIVE: HOW I BECAME A SUPERHERO and serves as a reminder that even when we've gotten through part of the journey, there's always more time to be in the crucible.
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How can a parent consciously choose something that would be bad for their child? How can a parent willfully choose the interest of a friend, stranger, or the altar of an all-mighty idea over the best interest of their child? Their grandchildren?

How can a person not see what is in their best interest? How can a person not see what will be the best for their family? Community? City? State? Country? World?

I thought these things were obvious. I feel like they are obvious. They are so GOD DAMN OBVIOUS HOW COME YOU CAN'T FIGURE THIS OUT?!?!

It must be a lack of empathy.
It must be some an attachment to a mental self unrelated to reality. So they vote for their pretend best interest, instead of reality. This is torture.

Did you know there are black churches burning in the south? In a week. Less than every 2 days...one lights.

The mustard dried up.
And the brush burns.
What a sickly gas!

I cough and sputter when smoke blows on the wind. The sun grows dark and I close the windows hoping it passes - thankful for people trained, given full benefits, and protected by unions who brave the flames.

And it's one thing when it's a dusty canyon. It's another when it's a wooden church. A church - a place of prayer, of love, hope, and peace. A sanctuary - where people seek shelter from the storms of life, of which there are so many....crossing the mid-west it feels like pinball.

Bouncing us all around, pick a season, pick a weather - you will find it here!

And here we are. And I keep watching people on their journeys, sharing their excitement - sharing their successes and while I smile I can't help feeling I should be further along.

I was supposed to be further along.

I'm supposed to be more than I am.

I was supposed to have a house, a newer car, a career, a savings account. I was supposed to have a name for myself. I was supposed to be established. I was supposed to feel secure.

I was, I was. I was!

But I am. I still am. It is hard to read another peer bought another house. It is hard to see another peer beginning their family in safety and comfort. They don't have my worries. They don't feel my squeeze.

I remind myself this is transition. I remind myself this is not forever. I refuse to let this be much longer. I refuse to withstand this longer. I can't watch my husband sacrificing so much - so much, for so little. He deserves so much more. We deserve so much more. Our son deserves so. much. more.

I will find it. I will get it. I will have this. I have this. I got this. Just a little more. Just a little longer. By this time next year, the world will look differently.

I feel this. I know this. It sits in my gut, a burning coal.
I could choke on the smoke, but I don't.
I'm Ms. Fusion in a lake of flame.
Nothing touches my heat.

And you know, the world doesn't end with water.

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The Most Powerful Force

Love.

This is the thing that holds us together and sets us apart. This is the thing that makes us scale mountains and cross oceans.

Love.

More powerful than greed or apathy or fear - love can turn an enemy to a friend. Love can turn an object into a real human being. Love is the most powerful force - more powerful than gravity. It is the ultimate variable - more important than time.

It is the ultimate choice - transcending Schrodinger's cat, particles and rays, life and death.

Love.

And what comes from this ultimate power? This force before all forces? When we use this, when we allow this force to direct our hearts and minds, only the best things come into being. Only our best dreams are realized at the hands of love. Only our best intentions are made manifest - made into only, exactly, the best thing needed at that exact time.

Anger, jealousy, sadness...these are products of the broken heart. They are symptoms of love lost, or betrayed. Do not allow such things to direct your actions. Twisted plants grow from seeds sown with these hands.

Instead, turn your heart toward love. Turn it to forgiveness and let go those broken things. Let your heart be healed through the creative, restorative power of love. Focus instead on new tomorrows, better days filled with peace, friendship, hope, and joy. These are the fruits of a vibrant heart focused on love. These are our yearnings. Let us set our sights on them.

This is my earnest wish for all - that your hearts be filled with love.

Playtime and Celebrations

Here I come to kick some butt!!

All work and no play makes Alexis a dull girl.

Fortunately this week is full of fun. This past Saturday I got a night out to a friend's costume party (super fun to dress up and reconnect with friends!). Sunday I sang Pharrell's "Happy" at church and then we had Trunk or Treat, which was followed by us carving a pumpkin and roasting the seeds.

And this coming weekend? I'm opening at the Cambridge Drive Concert Series which should be another good time.

With any luck, next Monday Christian and I will get some movie time, but that will depend on a few things being in place (babysitting and errands being completed for example).

Though I have a few aspects of my doctoral applications yet to complete (short answers and essays for example), I feel confident that I will have them completed soon, and that all aspects of the applications will be at the peak of excellence (as far as I can make them). That's all I can do. The reactions of the admissions committees are outside of my control. I'm comfortable with whatever happens because I know whatever happens, this coming year is going to be a good year for myself and my little family. I don't know what that means exactly, but I know we're heading to a really good place.

All the more reason to put on some make-up and pretend to be an off duty superhero...or Toby Keith (Christian's costume...complete with a red plastic cup...).

Until All Are Equal - Feminism

The internet is full of fail. It allows idiocy to multiply like a virus and collect into little pools of festering infection. First, let me remind everyone: USE YOUR CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS. It is always a good idea to consider arguments thoughtfully especially if they are well structured and supported by sufficient evidence, regardless of your own opinion.  This is how we learn and grow and that is always a good thing.

Always consider a situation and the definition of the words being applied. Does the situation actually fit the words being applied? Or is the person making statement after statement with malapropisms? In other words, does this person actually know what he or she is talking about?

Just saying.

Now to brass tacks.

Let's remind one another, ladies and gentlemen, why FEMINISM is not the "F word." Feminism is not MAN-HATING or "Feminazism." That is female chauvinism and NOT the same thing (I think we all agree chauvinism is bad...equality is good). Let's also remind one another that FEMINISM is about a set of ideals - a philosophy and a movement. It is about EQUALITY in PUBLIC and PRIVATE spaces for EVERYONE.

If a woman has NOT experienced discrimination or violence because she is a woman, I can only attribute this to one of three things: sheer luck, lack of life experience and/or exposure to the world (i.e. too young), or obliviousness to her own situation and those of women around her.

If a man has not witnessed or met a woman who was discriminated against or attacked because of her vagina, then he can only be too young or oblivious (not asking the right questions or "calling a spade a spade" as it were).

Women, you need feminism because

1. You like being able to vote.
2. You like being able to drive.
3. You like being able to have your opinion weigh the same as someone who has a penis.
4. You like being able to choose if and when you want to be a mother.
5. You like government protected parental leave.
6. You enjoy being able to work...in any industry and any organization.
7. You enjoy making it to upper management (or at least having the possibility to).
8. You like being able to go to college and study whatever you want to achieve whatever goals you have.
9. You want to be able to get the same wage for the same work as someone with a penis.
10. You enjoy being able to wear pants, shorts, skirts, and pretty much anything you want at any time ANYWHERE - seriously... think Saudi Arabia people.
11. You enjoy being taken seriously. Seriously.
12. You want to be seen as a person, as opposed to a walking vagina to be possessed or used.
13. There are still women in this world who do not have access to all the  the above mentioned things.
14. Daycare is still not provided by all employers.
15. Women who take themselves out of the workforce during childbearing years have a difficult time being hired after. 
16. Women are still not trusted to know how to give birth in the US and around the world.
17. Women are still not allowed control over their reproduction in the US and globally.
18. Women are more likely to be the victims of sexual abuse (3 in 10) than  men (1 in 10).
19. Women are much more likely to experience violence at the hands of their partners than men.
20. Women worry about being physically safe with men. Men don't feel that way about women.
21. When saying that someone abused you sexually, society is predisposed to call you a liar and an opportunist unless there is physical proof.
22. "Cunt" is still worse than "dick."
23. "Whore" is a slur. "Pimp" is a compliment.
24. Women are less likely to vote for a female candidate to office.
25. We have been so conditioned by the idea that we can't do certain things that WOMEN REINFORCE the status quo.

Men need feminism because

1. Men can't stay home if they want to (without worrying about societal pressure and stigma).
2. Men like parental leave.
3. Daycare is still not provided by employers.
4. Imbalanced power dynamics foster resentment and subversion by the less powerful.
5. Men (and women) want whole, supported partners.
6. Having an empowered partner means a happier relationship (Ever met someone who had control over their own life who was upset about it? Really?).
7. Men need to know how to be male without being violent or aggressive towards women (read: television, video games, movies, and popular music).
8. Men need to be able to explore their own identities and roles (son, husband, father etc).
9. Diversity of perspective leads to innovation which can lead to better solutions (i.e. dialectics).
10. Everyone is more productive when they are supported and empowered (Think of your sisters, wives, mothers, and daughters here.).

All feminists are not the same, but saying that we don't need feminism is like saying we don't need to worry about racial equality. Sorry, but there is still a whole lot of racism in the US and the world, and there is STILL a lot of sexism in the world.

We definitely need feminism.

Come Out, Come Out, Whoever You Are!

Some paths are scary...

Lately there have been several recurring themes in my life and therefore, my writing: coincidence, fate, purpose, choice, self-acceptance, and "coming out."

But worth it.

First of all, I don't believe in coincidence. I'm a person of faith and I've had too many strange things happen in my life to believe in "coincidence." I believe that everything happens for a reason, so you could say I believe in a kind of fate and that things - and people - have related purposes.

That said, I also believe you can choose to ignore or follow your purpose. In order to actively make that choice, many times a person must engage in self-exploration. This often leads to the discovery of both pleasant and unpleasant elements of the self (history, talents, preferences, personality traits, etc). This also leads to the possibility of self-acceptance (or not).

The process of discovery and acceptance in turn leads to the possibility of "coming out."

When encountering the phrase "coming out" most people think of an LGBT person openly declaring their gender/orientation, however "coming out" is not exclusively an LGBT act. Any part of the self that has been hidden, dormant, or laying in a deep recess can be brought to the light of day and shared with others. The process, and often the implications, are the same.

It is the implications of "coming out" - of a change in identity - that piques my interest. It also keeps me up at night.

Coming out is hard. It isn't like going from the identity of coupled woman to mother. That identity is clear and easy to see. It is one most people encounter on a regular basis, and for most people, there are no loose ends or questions raised by such an identity change.

The nature of coming out means the hidden identity or issue being brought into the open is uncomfortable, otherwise it wouldn't have been hidden. There is something shameful or uncomfortable, or difficult about this identity or issue, usually for both the self and others. It calls some fundamental thing into question - roles, relationships, actions, all shift to a new and strange place with this new identification.

Sometimes such identifications become the person. Literally, these difficult identities are so hard to get past for most other people, the self becomes two-dimensional. Suddenly the self is only lesbian, is only an addict, is only poor, is only an abuser, is only a victim, is only a criminal according to the other. Pigeon-holing abounds when the new issue comes to light. In order to overcome this shallowing process, the self must work extra hard to show up this new identity: I am green, progressive, Christian, athletic, multi-racial, multi-lingual, educated etc. These other identities are forced into competition with the "shameful" and marginalized new identity.

Some people choose to embrace their marginalized identity and center their lives around these things, for example a once battered woman turned activist who works with battered women. Another example would be a recovering alcoholic choosing to support others in their quest for sobriety. The centering of this identity surpasses a volunteer level, but moves to paid work as well as possible volunteering. Literally, life in these situations is entirely focused on this "shameful" identity.

The other possibility is to downplay such identities and to focus on something else. I think of the case of Maya Angelou who could have focused much of her writing and energy on the fact that she was molested and raped as a child. She could have written much of her work about - and championed victims of - sexual abuse and assault, however she did not. She chose a wider platform that included socio-economic, race, gender, and orientation identities rather than a single pigeon-holed identity of "victim."

Of course no one is a single thing. Each person has multiple facets, each informing the other. Experiences, preferences, and inherent abilities all contribute to the people we are. Often, however, one aspect or set of aspects stands out. One or a set of identities speaks to us more. We identify with a given set more strongly, and there are reasons for this (our experiences and preferences, for example).

This is where a given person's purpose lies - surrounding those identities of utmost importance.

However there is tension in balancing a person's purpose with the potential of pigeon-holing. There is tension surrounding that question of pigeon-holing and acceptance by others. Will I be stereotyped if I come out? Will I always be only this one thing? Will my identity overshadow my purpose? Will it interfere with achieving my life purpose? - asks the self.

Inevitably, the answer is: I don't know. We cannot know. The other is the one who answers these questions by their actions - their acceptance and rejection. It is only when the self is made vulnerable by coming out that the answer can be given and received. Until then, there is only anxious speculation.

We all have secrets. We all have hidden parts of ourselves. With every hidden piece, there is a debate regarding with whom we render ourselves vulnerable. For those who live more public lives - bloggers, writers, pastors, politicians, celebrities - the debate is more intense. The revelation of a secret self has more lasting and difficult implications. Will my brand be impacted? Will my image be impacted positively or negatively (because it will be impacted one way or another)? Is it worth it? Is it more important to be honest and authentic than to worry about the potential fallout? How strongly do I identify with this part of myself? If I decide to come out, how should I do it? Will it be quiet? Will it be for maximum impact? If so, what would create maximum impact?

These are the questions we ask ourselves. These are the questions that keep us up at night because there are no easy answers. There are no right answers. There are only answers that align with a person's purpose and those that do not. So it comes down to choice: what is your purpose? Who is your secret self? Will sharing your secret self with others further your purpose in this world? If the answer is yes, then it's time. It's time to come out.

Throw That Book: Celebrate Freedom

Freedom. Glorious freedom.
Liberation.
Independence.

Tis a gift to be free. Yes...or is it?

I'm not talking about the holiday coming up. I'm talking about the liberation of books.

FREE OUR BOOKS! BOOK LIBERATION!

A tweep of mine recently had her books show up on a piracy site and as many would be, was upset by this.

The first thing I thought?

I wish one of my books had enough attention to be on a pirate site.

Yes, I would probably lose some money on that book...but...I might gain some fans.

There is a tension between possession of a creative product and accessibility. I think of Louis C.K. who put up a special, DRM free, and had a tip jar situation. He made a bunch of money even though he didn't require payment. Was it a question of demographics? Celebrity? Product itself? Or was it simply the fact that he ventured to trust people enough with his craft they were so moved to support him despite its free price tag?

I have in the past made books free as well as had give aways. I have also given free chapters and of course, my ZEPHYRS short story has always been free. I don't have a tip jar, though I wouldn't mind listing a book on NOISETRADE (can I please?). All my books on Smashwords are DRM free. I did that because I want to trust people and encourage them to support art because it is good, brings them joy, and they want more of it.

On the one hand, if I was on a pirate site, I can see getting mad. On the other, would I be doing my job if my books weren't free somewhere...somehow? Probably not.

So while I don't require payment, I do expect some kind of compensation. PR will do nicely. Money would be good too. :-)

Detox Life and Reach Goals

Since I started adhering to a writing plan that involves daily and weekly goals, I'm back on track in other aspects of my life. In fact, I would say that I'm in the process of cleaning house.

How, do you ask?

Well, at first it was journaling. I was going through a real dark time, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Journaling helped me to release a lot of things going through my mind which freed me to work on other things (read: writing).

Then I added yoga. I'm not one of those people who is into mixing spiritual disciplines so I was a little hesitant to do this before now. The reason I finally came around and decided to add it to my daily routine is because it can be a kind of meditation. Meditation is good for the body, mind, and spirit. It releases tension can help the body rid itself of toxins etc. It's just a good idea all the way around.

So I hopped onto the Hindu bandwagon for some yoga (just yoga...no pantheon or holy thread or anything). It's been a real blessing and incredibly nourishing to me on every level. I also think I get to sleep faster because of it (probably because of how relaxing it is - this has nothing to do with my new mom sleep deprivation...I swear!).

Then I started adding daily workouts on top of these things. This is something I've really just begun doing this week with any consistency. I had been doing some casual circuit training using my baby as resistance, but that was very sporadic at best (and who knows how effective it was being at achieving my fitness goals other than building muscle). This week I added some kickboxing circuit training videos and next week I plan to up the ante with some other circuit training and HIIT videos. These are ideal for me because they're short but effective, which means I can do them without leaving my baby playing in his play area for too long. The only problem with them is I kind of want them to be longer...or more intense feeling (I sense I'll be adding some low level weights to these puppies!).

I say this now, but talk to me in a week...

My next step is to implement better eating choices...

And then who knows? More active promotion? Actively socializing (sensing a trend here?)?

Needless to say I'm doing these things while I'm reaching my writing goals every day, and I'm taking care of my little man. I know that as I move through this time, every aspect of my life is getting cleaner and the next step of everything is becoming clearer. It's a great feeling.

Sometimes you just need to do some spring cleaning of yourself.

An Order of Rights: Separate And Not Equal

As the Supreme Court and activists weigh in on same sex marriage, I'm struck by the order in which rights are given in America.

For whatever reason, men always get them first. Of course, white men always have them. Then men of other races get them. Then come women. Finally, the LGBT community gets them.

We see this time and time again. The right to vote was given to black men before it was given to women. Granted, blacks (and other supporters) had to fight tooth and nail to make it *truly* the right to vote, but it was legally given first.

The civil rights movement started as an issue of race, and was joined later by feminists, and LGBT activists. While it is largely accepted that a person of any color can work at any job and make equal pay (I would cite our beloved president), women to this day do not make equal pay, and are not given paid parental leave or ensured childcare at their workplaces. This effectively removes them from the labor force for years at a time.

LGBT individuals have been plagued by all kinds of discrimination. They are STILL not a protected group from workplace discrimination across our country! It was only recently that "Don't Ask Don't Tell" was repealed. And now, years after "Separate But Equal" was thrown out as bollocks, we're still debating about whether two people of the same sex can get married.

As it has been said before, I will say it again: We still have a long way to go, baby.

As a woman, and as a person who has friends and relatives touched by these issues, I wonder at those of us who hem and haw at social change. As a Christian, I believe God wants equal care and protection for all of humanity. I also believe it doesn't matter what I think God wants because church and state should be separate. If we say that we are a nation of equality and fairness, we are required to make all things equal and as fair as the law can possibly allow.

Same sex marriage seems like an easy one. Then again, I thought paid maternity leave was easy too.

Back to Writing About Reproductive Rights

ACK! Because of Christian's current project, I lost the use of my laptop for several days. This meant no blogging and no writing. I'm about a week behind on everything and it's driving me crazy!

Thankfully I now have my laptop back and can return to my previous pace. Thank the lord.

This is particularly encouraging considering the current political situation. As much as I would like the election to be about the economy, many have brought women's issues to the forefront of the debate.

I don't know how much more of this idiocy I can stand. I feel my focus on reproductive rights - particularly in JEREMIAH and my short stories - is even more poignant. More than ever I feel it's important to get these pieces published.

I'll be 30 a week after the election. I'm in the middle of my childbearing years. While I don't have any children yet, I do want some eventually. When and how that happens is something I want to determine and discuss with my husband and my health care providers. Whenever I read about old white men making decisions for my body it freaks me out. How can they possibly know what will be best for me?! They don't know me! They're not even female!

I won't talk about how abortion and stem cell research should continue to be legal if certain methods of in vitro fertilization are. I won't talk about how access to contraception and education makes the difference in unwanted pregnancies. I'm sure that someone who doesn't have direct experience in these matters but is only concerned with manipulating certain voting groups will definitely make the right decisions when it comes to my health.

Yeah.

Totally.

Freedom Isn't Free

Since before Independence Day, I've been ruminating over the concept of freedom. What is freedom? How do we define it? What does it mean practically in daily life?
Like many things, freedom means different things to different people. Often I hear rhetoric about patriotism associated with freedom. But freedom isn't just political or economic. At its most basic level, it is personal. Personal freedom is the root from which all others grow.
I think the best example is the culture of Oakland. In Oakland people do what they want. It is a "freedom from" as well as a "freedom to" situation. Despite legislation saying one thing or another, it is generally accepted that a person can walk down the street with an open container. It is accepted that people will perform guerilla art, leaving walls covered in magnificent murals or signposts baring their own knitted creations. Street fairs are common, as are community parades - no permit necessary.
Of course there are consequences to such a culture. When the police become involved, things are more extreme. Historically, OPD is known for its brutality. I can't imagine our penchant for doing what we like helps.
But freedom doesn't have to be even as public as this. Fundamentally, our level of freedom is influenced by our personal power. Power is derived from many things, not the least of which are types of capital. I am thinking particularly of physical assets like money and vehicles, to social capital, such as connections. We have all experienced the freedom to do things derived from resource rich situations (whether it was watching someone else or exercising it ourselves).
Yet freedom is still more fundamental. It is literally a mental problem. We box ourselves in. We choose to be confined within socially accepted constraints, rather than choosing more creative possibilities. For example, the traditional route for acquiring a bed. A typical person would think only of purchasing a new bed from a store. But what about goodwill? That would be a more creative solution. What about Craigslist? That may result in a free bed, which is a little more outside the box. Still, you could design your bed. This would be the most creative solution, resulting in something perfect for your space. It is the most personal and the most open-ended choice. The limits are your resources - as opposed to someone else's conception of a bed. It is therefore the most liberating of the potential choices.
Yet this choice is not often made. The idea of creating one's own bed is daunting to most people. Most people would gladly give up their freedom in exchange for security. A person knows what the bed will look like and how it will work because it has been tested. There is no question. So instead of more choices, one acquires safety in knowing the bed will perform according to expectations. This is the often the result of fear - fear of failure, inability, unhappiness, insecurity and the list goes on.
The sad truth is that few people actually want freedom. They misunderstand what freedom means practically. It's fine to talk about freedom as a grandiose concept relating to American myth. But once we turn the discussion to choices in the real world, freedom is too scary and much too problematic.
The more I think about this frightening concept, the more I realize how much I love it. I love the thrill of correcting a mistake in creation. I love the thrill of choosing. The difficulty is when there are too many choices, but it's a difficulty I'm willing to overcome.
True independence is a pain in the ass. Sometimes I have to sacrifice security in order to obtain it. Even still, if I wasn't living freely, I'd die. So who cares about a little indecision?

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