We Don't Know What We're Doing

Can we all admit we have no idea what we're doing?

I read a ton of articles about pretty much every kind of topic in a day. I read about writing, of course, but mostly I read about everything else.

I read about politicians who play out their boyhood (because they're primarily male) wet dreams in the world stage because they can, not caring who they hurt. I read about non profits trudging on, making a difference in kids' lives while chaos swirls around them. I read about the sordid lives of celebrities. I read about climate change being proven over and over again across the world. I read about the latest style trends. I read about scientific theories and discoveries and arguments over all manner of things. I read about alcohol consumption. I read about art movements and documentary films showcasing all kinds of things from the very disturbing to the utterly mundane.

I've been doing this for several weeks straight, courtesy of the ease of access to such articles through Facebook.

I've even noticed how the viral videos spread - who are early adopters and complete social media addicts while others are slow to find these things (or maybe this is a result of having certain types of friends?).

And my conclusion to all this observation?

We humans have no frickin' clue what we're doing. We're just groping around in the dark.

At first I thought it was just in publishing. I thought my own stumbling path was an isolated incident. I thought my lack of know-how with utilizing social media, my lack of resources to outsource things like editing and artwork was holding me back. I thought if I digested enough material I could figure out something and somehow cobble together the great "Alexis Solution," but I am still searching (Note: I am still holding out hope and when I do discover it, I will absolutely put it into an information product for fun and profit!).

Now I realize it isn't about publishing, but about being human. We grab on to whatever bit of truth or limited fact supports our thoughts and hold on with everything we've got. Sometimes we use correct logic. Sometimes not. Sometimes we get hyper emotional one direction or another. Occasionally this is to our detriment. Other times this makes the world a better place. Always, we stumble forward, trying to make sense of the world around us, about other people, and finally, ourselves.

This lends some truth to the idea, the very ancient idea, that we are each an expression of the Universe housed in our limited bodies. This little piece of the greater whole, reaching out, attempting to experience itself through whatever natural laws will allow. It is play. It is horror. It is glory. It is everything and nothing.

That is the nature of the universe.

Somewhere a Hindu is reading this and thinking, welcome to Brahman and Atman. Somewhere a physicist is reading this and thinking, yes. The consciousness of everyone, dumped back into that great mystery of space.

Maybe they're sitting next to one another. They look up, smile, and shake hands. I imagine the conversation starts something like this:

"Hello, fellow traveler. Tell me about your groping, stumbling, adventure through the dark."

The Unexpected Path and a Writer's Vow

It's feeling more real. Everything, actually. My writing, the baby, work, and where I see myself going.

I feel like a path is taking shape - revealing itself through the swirling mist of confusion and self-doubt that has plagued me for the past several years. I wouldn't say I can see very far into the future (though as my rh negative post implies, my family might) but I feel I can see enough.

I'm not as worried now. This is probably because in the last few days I've had some very positive feedback on my writing (Look forward to more info on that shortly. And no, it's not about my books or short stories, though I expect something is coming around the bend for them too.). Suddenly I don't feel like things are impossible. Affirmation from someone besides your husband or your parents will do that. It feels good. It opens possibilities.

Because of this little piece of security in myself, I feel like I can relax enough to dream.

When I was in Americorps, I had the best mentor I think I've ever had. I think, more than anything, my time with her was intended. She did many things that struck me, and shaped me in ways I did not expect. She had us do exercises as a group that I had never seen done before. One of the things she had us do was get into pairs and dream aloud about what would make life more wonderful. The challenge was to make what our partner said more wonderful until we voiced the most specific and best possible outcome we could imagine. At the time I probably thought it silly (though useful in a fun sort of way). Now, I wish I could get others to engage this process with me. I understand its value.

That exercise is good because it helps you to stretch your expectations. It helps you to visualize and to reach for things. Everyone in sports (and those who follow self-help trends) will tell you visualization is key to success. Of course in sports outcomes are limited by the rules of the game. In life, there are no rules. The possibilities are endless.

The second lesson, the much harder one which my mentor was only able to hint at before we went our separate ways, has to do with attachment. The universe does things in its own way and time. Yes, the visualization helps. Yes, focusing on the end result helps. Having goals helps. But the path...the path is unexpected.

I think about my baby and what the ultrasound tech said about kiddo following dates exactly and how rare that is. This is a metaphor for all of us in life. There is a set pattern, a group of expected mile markers that occur within given times of life, but they are rarely followed to perfection. Does it really matter if the baby is more active earlier? If he or she is a few days below weight? As long as the baby is born healthy, it doesn't matter that mom threw up once or daily. It doesn't matter that her belly was small or large.

Yes of course it changes the experience, but the goal is still achieved. The path was unexpected, but the desired result still came to fruition.

This has been one of the hardest lessons for me to learn. Its ironic. When I was younger I wouldn't have minded so much about switching gears and following the path in an unexpected way, even if it seemed to point backwards. Now that I have specific goals in mind, specific dreams that I've held for longer than six months, I find I struggle with becoming attached to a certain way of doing things. An expected path is comfortable. The problem is, clinging to the expected can fight against the natural course of progress. By clinging to the expected, I may end up stuck, missing my chances to move forward towards what I really want - which was never the path, but my goal.

Consider me schooled.

I thought I wanted - no, that I needed an agent. I thought I needed to be published by a big publishing house and that in the mean time I needed to market myself the way so many indie authors do - with book trailers, blog tours, and solicited reviews. But that's not me, at least not now.

I can't stand that part of the industry. I just haven't connected with anyone. I haven't found a person in fiction (yet) who can connect me to the rest of it. For me, that is what I would need to do the traditional PR song and dance. So instead I'm doing what I do well. I'm going to write.

I'm going to rewrite my partially finished books and finish them. I'm going to self-publish them not because I'm afraid of rejection, but because they will speak for themselves. I'm going to write short stories and essays and I will submit them to magazine after magazine, contest after contest until they are published. I'm going to blog every day, on this site and hopefully others that will bring me some guaranteed income. And by the end of this, I will be so fricking amazing, and my name will be so pervasive, that PR specialists, and agents, and publishers, and movie studios will come to me.

This is my vow. My promise to myself.

I don't know exactly what will happen. I don't know that my path will continue on this trajectory. All I know is that since I got pregnant, I've been blogging more and my book sales have increased. It's not a lot, but it's noteable. It's enough for me to say it's worth the daily 3 am post, and possibly the fourth and fifth self-published book. It's worth the submissions to literary magazines and contests.

I guess God knows how much a person needs to keep going. All I needed was a well timed voicemail and an affirming email. Invigorated by my new-found confidence, I will take the next step on my unexpected path, relishing its surprising uniqueness, trusting in my success.

Zen and The Art of Teaching Elementary

In the past three weeks I must have started and stopped 20 different blog entries. So much has happened I'm having trouble finding the words. Probably the best one is transformation.

I am clearly in a state of transformation.

Since I began teaching art after school,  I have learned so much about children and through them, adults.

As adults we often think we're the teachers, though we are students as often as children are. One of the things children continuously teach me is the importance of consistency. This is a lesson many adults need. We should be consistent in everything we do. It is how we become better. The more we do something, the better we become. We also show others what they can expect.

A second thing children are continuously teaching me is patience. In the past, I was a fairly impatient person, yet being around children reminds me of a universal truth;  all actions have meaning. A person always does something for a reason. Sometimes they may not recognize it, but it is there. When we remind ourselves their actions are not personal, but for some underlying reason, it is easier to become patient. We can even allow that patience to feed our compassion.

A third thing children are teaching me is that plans are a good idea, but sometimes they need to be changed. I cannot be attached to my plans. They won't always work. Sometimes unexpected things happen. When I allow myself to let go of my plans and embrace the moment, I am more peaceful, even in controlled chaos.

These lessons are huge. Even when I am tired or had a difficult situation arise, I focus on these things. When I do that, I feel good about my work and I am able to look at my time with compassionate detachment. I can love even the most difficult student. I can appreciate cleaning up the classroom at the end of the day. I even feel good about the traffic on the drive home.

For all these reasons, I recommend spending time with our world's greatest teachers. Children are so good at teaching us the lessons we most need.

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Loki Says "Hi!" - Zen Lessons in Attachment

I'm not Job. I'm not. I haven't lost everything. I'm not lying in a ditch somewhere. I'm not disfigured or dismembered. But... it feels like I keep getting kicked while I'm down. Sometimes it feels as though I haven't gotten up at all. Last night was one of those times.

This is the third time in 4 years that my car has been broken into. It was the only time my car wasn't at my residence. Still, this was the worst and the best.

You see, the other 2 times, the thieves were experts. Minimal damages and they took specific things in good condition - relatively speaking. This time I was robbed by morons.

These people went through my entire car leaving tissues and paper napkins everywhere. They broke the radio bezel off. They broke the stereo they took (I know this because they left behind a crucial piece of the radio). They took the manual for the stereo but not the remote. The radio requires a code, but the wrong code is written in the manual.

Yeah. Morons.

This comes right after moving quickly and all the associated expenses (need I mention we're eating too much pasta?). And of course there are our student loans and all our other monthly bills on top of it.

I'm not Job, but still...

Many say the universe doesn't give you anything you can't handle. I know from experience however, we are cocreators of reality. I make choices. External factors change the situation, I make new choices. So the universe might not give me something I can't handle, but I might.

This sabotage feels like a Trickster - like Loki or Anansi. Perhaps it's the handicap required for someone who might move too far too fast. Perhaps it's a honing process - forcing me to become the perfect tool or weapon. I'd like to think this.

It's particularly poignant now because I'm exploring zen. You see, this time I wasn't as angry. Yes there was the initial reaction, but I slept it off and woke up relatively calm. I know I'm not attached to objects. Objects come and go. They do not matter. I will miss music for a while, but I can listen to the sounds of the city instead. It is a small snag in the vast fabric of life. I will be fine.

This new perspective is something I have begun developing in an effort to master my fate and captain my soul. Loki may be out there trying to rub my face in it, but it doesn't matter. This too shall pass away.

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Zen and The Art of Anxiety

I have a tendency towards anxiety. In the OCEAN personality test, I score high in neurotic. Yep, I'm a high maintence person who can see the worst in a situation. I can mull over a given situation for hours, days, or even weeks until I have pulled it apart from every angle imaginable.

But I don't just do that to situations. I do that to myself as well. I know you're probably imagining how I hold a self-berating fest for every issue, mistake etc, and yes, I do that sometimes. What is worse however, is the way I deal with stress.

Because I'm such an anxious person, my shoulders are permanently and intricately knotted. I've been working on it, however the only way I've found to release the tension is through consistent massage. Needless to say, health insurance doesn't cover it so I can't get it.

But my stress doesn't stop at my shoulders. If I'm really stressed, I can get heartburn for weeks. I can become so fatigued I can't do anything. I can have trouble eating. I can have dizzy spells. Yes, I do all these things to myself. More than that, I pick. Any imperfection in my skin or hair is something to be rooted out and removed, sometimes with bloody results.

I know that picking at anything doesn't make it better. Inevitably it makes things worse. Still, it used to be that I couldn't stop myself. A bump, a pimple, a scab, a patch of dry skin...even the infrequent mole would drive me to pick. Uneven nails or a dry puckered cuticle was enough.

What made it worse was I didn't recognize it as related to stress. I've always picked at my imperfections. I can't remember a time I didn't. So then how was I able to make the connection now?

It got worse. I moved, have no money, no job, and so it got worse. The results were inflamed and bloody. I finally saw what I was doing to my skin and I wanted to stop. But of course, I can't take the stressors out of my life. I can't change the fact that we just unsettled ourselves again. I can't change the fact that for now,  we're eating a lot of pasta. I can however, change how I react to these things.

I don't want to be anxious or neurotic or what have you. I want to be relaxed - enjoy the cheerful sounds of birds or the warmth from a new dawn. I want to concentrate on what is in the present and not freak out about things I cannot control.

Recently my husband and I have been watching the show Life. The main character has experienced worse things in his life than I have, and struggles to deal with it. He does that through zen. Before I watched the show, I meditated a few times in the zen way. Strangely, the show is getting me interested in more than just zen meditation.

Zen is a philosophy of living. It is something a person can incorporate into every aspect of life. And I want that. I want the peace and light that such a philosophy offers. So, I've stopped picking and started meditating. I'm trying to focus on the beauty of what is. I am working on being fully present. I'm struggling to see how all things pass away - all things change.

Hopefully I see improvements everywhere. I'll keep you posted.

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