THRIVE: How to Become a Superhero

Take the chaos and shape it.

If you're in a public place, look around. Look at the people nearby. If you're at home, or in your office, imagine some of your friends. Some of the people you know.

Some of them are superheroes.

You might not realize it. You may not know all the battles they've fought - all the things they've done. And they don't have spandex catsuits (or maybe they do?). They don't have alter egos. They don't have X-ray vision given to them by gamma rays or a weird mutation that allows them to extend bone claws out of their knuckles.

These are not comicbook characters! That would be ridiculous.

No. These people are bona fide heroes. They are testaments to the enduring nature of human spirit. They are beacons of hope in a world of chaos. They are pillars of strength in the face of weakness.

But they weren't always this way. They went through a transformation. And no, it wasn't a genetically modified spider bite or falling into a vat of toxic waste that did it.

More likely it was trauma. It was illness. It was death. It was poverty. It was shunning. It was being stripped down to the bone and being left to fend for themselves. And it sucked.

This process is not fun. It is not easy. Being a superhero is not something you want to do - except it is.

When life gives you horror, terror, pain, and despair, you have a choice. You can allow it to ruin you. You can allow yourself to be weighted down, to wallow, to die an agonizing death of the self. Or you can do something remarkable. You can refuse.

You can embrace the pain and shape it in your hands into something you can use. And once you decide to do that, you are no longer on an ordinary path - you have chosen to be remarkable. And you are. Because everyone is not willing to do this hard work. There are no shortcuts in this process.

You may be wondering, "Well, Alexis, why would I buy your book? I thought it would teach me what to do!"

There are no shortcuts to the transformation. You can't be a superhero without pain. That's the rub. No one gets to that place without extreme experiences. You will suffer.

I repeat - you will suffer.

But that's okay. Because with the right perspective, the right approach to problem-solving, to looking at your life, you can use those experiences.

And the perspective requires learning and practice. It is the difference between saying "I am unemployed and therefore a loser." and "I am unemployed. I should write a novel since I have the time." When you've grown up surrounded by people thinking the former, the latter becomes difficult to do. Sometimes you need a guide. A little help figuring out how to change.

THRIVE gives you specific lessons in changing your perspective. Each chapter has a story from my personal experience. In some cases they are disturbing. But in every case, I got through the experience and used it to grow or do something remarkable. And you can too, if that is what you want.

And believe me, that is definitely something worth wanting.

No one wants to suffer, but if you do, use it. Use it to become great.

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Until June 15, ebook versions of THRIVE: HOW I BECAME A SUPERHERO and the companion journal guide, TRANSFORM TO THRIVE: 32 DAYS FROM VICTIM TO SUPERHERO are at a special price. Preorder and save! Or if you prefer paperback, order the book and journal today!

We Don't Know What We're Doing

Can we all admit we have no idea what we're doing?

I read a ton of articles about pretty much every kind of topic in a day. I read about writing, of course, but mostly I read about everything else.

I read about politicians who play out their boyhood (because they're primarily male) wet dreams in the world stage because they can, not caring who they hurt. I read about non profits trudging on, making a difference in kids' lives while chaos swirls around them. I read about the sordid lives of celebrities. I read about climate change being proven over and over again across the world. I read about the latest style trends. I read about scientific theories and discoveries and arguments over all manner of things. I read about alcohol consumption. I read about art movements and documentary films showcasing all kinds of things from the very disturbing to the utterly mundane.

I've been doing this for several weeks straight, courtesy of the ease of access to such articles through Facebook.

I've even noticed how the viral videos spread - who are early adopters and complete social media addicts while others are slow to find these things (or maybe this is a result of having certain types of friends?).

And my conclusion to all this observation?

We humans have no frickin' clue what we're doing. We're just groping around in the dark.

At first I thought it was just in publishing. I thought my own stumbling path was an isolated incident. I thought my lack of know-how with utilizing social media, my lack of resources to outsource things like editing and artwork was holding me back. I thought if I digested enough material I could figure out something and somehow cobble together the great "Alexis Solution," but I am still searching (Note: I am still holding out hope and when I do discover it, I will absolutely put it into an information product for fun and profit!).

Now I realize it isn't about publishing, but about being human. We grab on to whatever bit of truth or limited fact supports our thoughts and hold on with everything we've got. Sometimes we use correct logic. Sometimes not. Sometimes we get hyper emotional one direction or another. Occasionally this is to our detriment. Other times this makes the world a better place. Always, we stumble forward, trying to make sense of the world around us, about other people, and finally, ourselves.

This lends some truth to the idea, the very ancient idea, that we are each an expression of the Universe housed in our limited bodies. This little piece of the greater whole, reaching out, attempting to experience itself through whatever natural laws will allow. It is play. It is horror. It is glory. It is everything and nothing.

That is the nature of the universe.

Somewhere a Hindu is reading this and thinking, welcome to Brahman and Atman. Somewhere a physicist is reading this and thinking, yes. The consciousness of everyone, dumped back into that great mystery of space.

Maybe they're sitting next to one another. They look up, smile, and shake hands. I imagine the conversation starts something like this:

"Hello, fellow traveler. Tell me about your groping, stumbling, adventure through the dark."

The Farce Revealed

There is always a breaking point. There is always a point in the tour of life where you just cannot go on - where whatever show you put on is seen as the farce it is.

It might not be outsiders who see it clearly. Maybe you are a consummate actress and so they think you're doing just swell. However you no longer fool yourself. The feigned strength is just a system of pulleys and rope you concocted out of the scrap of your life. But the rope is thin now. The pulleys stick.

You look out over the play and see the story just repeats itself. How many excuses can you make for this? How many rationalizations? You are such a rhetorician you can argue any point from any angle, but it's not enough. Smoke and mirrors are illusion, and reality must be addressed.

No make up. No witty one liners. No song. No dance. No flowing costumes or well designed sets.

This is life baby. This is where you cannot ignore your breaking heart, your festering wounds, your empty accounts. This is where the best plans are laid waste by an anxious fool too myopic to see how his actions impact those around him. This is where you cannot wait around for someone else to do the hard thing.

There is no one else.

There is only you.

You do the hard thing.

You fix yourself.

Some Things Are Just Wrong

Let's get something straight:

The world is messy. Context is important...AND sometimes things are EITHER right OR wrong.

Yes. You heard it here from a progressive educated feminist published blogging mother...some people are wrong. Some ideas are wrong. Some choices are wrong.

There. I said it.

And...sometimes people should be judged for wrong. Really. They should. This wishy washy everything is okay to do in a certain context is complete bullshit. No. Not true. And sometimes people get hurt by this truth. Sometimes they read into things and make things personal...and maybe they are. Or maybe not.

It is, for example, never okay to rape. Never. Judged.
It is never okay to murder. Never. Judged.
It is never okay to essentialize a person to a single physical trait. Judged.
It is never okay to take advantage of someone less powerful than you. Judged.
It is never okay to make a decision based on your own needs or wants that will negatively impact hundreds, thousands, or millions of people. Judged.

And some people may hate this truth. They may feel terribly guilty for this. That feeling is a choice, just like the action that brought them to that feeling was a choice. And they need to own that choice.

So I tell you: Clean house. Clean your hearts and minds. Be honest with yourself and others. Everyone will be a whole lot happier for it ...even if it means we all get a little judgment.

The key here is to take that and use it. Take that knowledge of right and wrong and become a better person. We all have room for improvement. Admitting it is the first step.

Until All Are Equal - Feminism

The internet is full of fail. It allows idiocy to multiply like a virus and collect into little pools of festering infection. First, let me remind everyone: USE YOUR CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS. It is always a good idea to consider arguments thoughtfully especially if they are well structured and supported by sufficient evidence, regardless of your own opinion.  This is how we learn and grow and that is always a good thing.

Always consider a situation and the definition of the words being applied. Does the situation actually fit the words being applied? Or is the person making statement after statement with malapropisms? In other words, does this person actually know what he or she is talking about?

Just saying.

Now to brass tacks.

Let's remind one another, ladies and gentlemen, why FEMINISM is not the "F word." Feminism is not MAN-HATING or "Feminazism." That is female chauvinism and NOT the same thing (I think we all agree chauvinism is bad...equality is good). Let's also remind one another that FEMINISM is about a set of ideals - a philosophy and a movement. It is about EQUALITY in PUBLIC and PRIVATE spaces for EVERYONE.

If a woman has NOT experienced discrimination or violence because she is a woman, I can only attribute this to one of three things: sheer luck, lack of life experience and/or exposure to the world (i.e. too young), or obliviousness to her own situation and those of women around her.

If a man has not witnessed or met a woman who was discriminated against or attacked because of her vagina, then he can only be too young or oblivious (not asking the right questions or "calling a spade a spade" as it were).

Women, you need feminism because

1. You like being able to vote.
2. You like being able to drive.
3. You like being able to have your opinion weigh the same as someone who has a penis.
4. You like being able to choose if and when you want to be a mother.
5. You like government protected parental leave.
6. You enjoy being able to work...in any industry and any organization.
7. You enjoy making it to upper management (or at least having the possibility to).
8. You like being able to go to college and study whatever you want to achieve whatever goals you have.
9. You want to be able to get the same wage for the same work as someone with a penis.
10. You enjoy being able to wear pants, shorts, skirts, and pretty much anything you want at any time ANYWHERE - seriously... think Saudi Arabia people.
11. You enjoy being taken seriously. Seriously.
12. You want to be seen as a person, as opposed to a walking vagina to be possessed or used.
13. There are still women in this world who do not have access to all the  the above mentioned things.
14. Daycare is still not provided by all employers.
15. Women who take themselves out of the workforce during childbearing years have a difficult time being hired after. 
16. Women are still not trusted to know how to give birth in the US and around the world.
17. Women are still not allowed control over their reproduction in the US and globally.
18. Women are more likely to be the victims of sexual abuse (3 in 10) than  men (1 in 10).
19. Women are much more likely to experience violence at the hands of their partners than men.
20. Women worry about being physically safe with men. Men don't feel that way about women.
21. When saying that someone abused you sexually, society is predisposed to call you a liar and an opportunist unless there is physical proof.
22. "Cunt" is still worse than "dick."
23. "Whore" is a slur. "Pimp" is a compliment.
24. Women are less likely to vote for a female candidate to office.
25. We have been so conditioned by the idea that we can't do certain things that WOMEN REINFORCE the status quo.

Men need feminism because

1. Men can't stay home if they want to (without worrying about societal pressure and stigma).
2. Men like parental leave.
3. Daycare is still not provided by employers.
4. Imbalanced power dynamics foster resentment and subversion by the less powerful.
5. Men (and women) want whole, supported partners.
6. Having an empowered partner means a happier relationship (Ever met someone who had control over their own life who was upset about it? Really?).
7. Men need to know how to be male without being violent or aggressive towards women (read: television, video games, movies, and popular music).
8. Men need to be able to explore their own identities and roles (son, husband, father etc).
9. Diversity of perspective leads to innovation which can lead to better solutions (i.e. dialectics).
10. Everyone is more productive when they are supported and empowered (Think of your sisters, wives, mothers, and daughters here.).

All feminists are not the same, but saying that we don't need feminism is like saying we don't need to worry about racial equality. Sorry, but there is still a whole lot of racism in the US and the world, and there is STILL a lot of sexism in the world.

We definitely need feminism.

Strange Power

Strange things happen when you're open. I don't mean opening your front door - although strange things can happen then too - rather I mean, being open to life. I mean, living - really living.

I am the last person to deny anxiety. I am a queen of anxiety. I have an app in which I record my moods daily (of which there are many) and I frequently check the anxious face, along with the worried face, and the stressed one, and the tense one...

Keep in mind this is when I am meditating and doing physical activity of some kind...which makes me think I could probably stand a few anxiety hypnosis sessions, if not mood altering substances.

I feel anxious every day. Literally - every day - at least once a day, if not sixty-three times daily I am anxious. I don't mean just a little uncomfortable - I mean gut-twisting, nausea-wrangling, lip-biting, nail-drumming anxious.

I carry it in my shoulders. This means they are super tight, up to my ears, and often hunched when I'm going through a particular spell of high stress.

You may have surmised my life is a little stressful these days. Truthfully I am probably more anxious now than I have been since junior high (another story for another time). Then it was a daily battle with the self - a struggle to decide status, acceptance, and place. It's been almost twenty years and while certain elements were released and resolved, new ones grew to take their place. That's crazy.

This anxiety I carry around is crazy. It has been a personal obstacle in more than one situation. It has stopped me from so many things, which seems strange because if you know my history, you know I've done a lot. I mean, I lived in India for six months and it didn't stop me then!

Now you're wondering what it did stop me from doing.

Maybe pursing a doctorate earlier? Trying a crazy entrepreneurial idea to the fullest extent? Calling a long-lost and well-loved friend on the phone to confess life moments? I don't know if it was just the anxiety. I know that was a part of it. I know there was a part of me when I was younger that just couldn't handle the idea of settling down into any kind of set structure. I know there was a part of me that couldn't handle the idea of failing at anything because I've lived under the crippling shadow of perfectionism from more than one quarter. There were expectations and there was always the thought in the back of my mind that I would be imposing - that I couldn't afford it - that I wasn't good enough - that they had other friends in person who were closer or more important - that I wasn't worth the time. These were the words that repeated over and over again.

It doesn't matter how successful or brilliant or amazing a person is - they are still vulnerable. There are still pieces deep in the bowels of a person's soul that are hidden, protected by layer upon layer of acquired emotional armor. But I heard someone say, it isn't the protected who have power. Those with mech-warrior battlements are more brittle than shale, weaker than mica. The armored cannot expose themselves. They cannot become close. They cannot grow outside their protective shell.

The world belongs to the vulnerable - the weak - those willing to expose their soft underbellies to the light of day. Those who hand their hearts and minds to others - despite the risk of betrayal, ridicule, and destruction - own all social power. They are the ones who risk everything, and like a good stock broker, they could lose it all. But they could also win the day. Their rewards could be richer than their wildest dreams, all because they risk everything.

Shed your anxiety. Be vulnerable. It pays better.

Self Work is Never Done

Anyone who says they don't have more to work on is delusional.

There's always more to work on. There's always room for improvement. The more you do, the more likely you will succeed because the closer you are to mastery. If you're already a master, you will only get better.

The challenge is finding those places to improve. I mean, you and I, we're too close to ourselves to always figure out what work needs to be done. We may know something needs changing, but how do we find those areas of need? And then, how do we go about fixing them?

Lately I've been doing a lot of self-reflection. I'm in an uncomfortable situation in my life and there has been a lot of upheaval surrounding me. I see the world going to hell in a hand basket, and I feel out of control. There's little I can do about the world, but it would be nice if I had something to cling to that was more stable at home. I mean, something that was for sure...and safe...and well, easy.

Earlier this year I'd gotten into the habit of journaling and writing things I was grateful for every night. A little yoga before or after this journaling really made a difference too. And, then there was also the whole listening to affirmations thing I was doing. Well, for one reason or another, I got out of this habit. I substituted working out for this night time ritual (working out in the morning - not before bed! Geez!). At first, things continued going well.

But once again, I've gone to that dark place. I found myself frustrated with my situation and how slow change has been to come to my life. Instead, I felt like things were slowing down - or even going backwards.

I had so much going on in my head, I needed to do something. I picked up my journal. It seems, even with blogging, writing novels, and non-fiction books, I still have more words floating around that need release. The words, hateful, difficult, angry, disappointed, and depressed, flooded out. And then inspiration struck.

How could I change my life if I didn't know where I needed to change myself? My thinking was all wrong. I was so focused on negative things, on the fact that things weren't changing, on my unhappiness, there was no way I was going to move forward. I've read a bagillion self-help books in an effort to get ahead of my negative preoccupation, and I've had little luck. I needed something more pointed.

Cell phone to the rescue!

I found an app.

Surprising.

But there is an app, or twelve, that include personality/psychological tests to help you pinpoint areas where you need improvement. The one I found was Know Yourself. While the name leaves something to be desired, the comprehensive testing options and articles to combat issues found in your results were impressive.

I mean, I've taken a lot of those goofy tests...but none of them attached helpful content to my problem areas. In fact, few of them identified my problem areas the way this app did.

The Complete Personality Test was long, and the results were nearly as long as the test itself. However, the feedback was invaluable. It helped me unpack areas and habits that need attention (desperately!). It also affirmed other areas, some of which were pleasant surprises (things I never thought of came to light). I haven't yet been able to read all the attached articles, or put exercises in place to change my focus, but I'm hopeful. I feel like I'm on the right track, not only personally, but also professionally.

Sometimes you just need to get right with God, I mean, yourself. Yeah...yourself. ;-)

The Imaginative Subconscious Mind

Where will this dream lead?

My current project is loosely based on the worlds created by my delightfully overactive subconscious mind (I'm actually using this post to help generate some specific details for the next installment of the novel...crossing my fingers!).

I have, for as long as I can remember, the most emotionally intense, vividly detailed, saga length dreams. Whenever I describe my dreams to other people they look at me like I'm crazy.

You know Game of Thrones?
You know the Xanth books?
How about the Valdemar books?
What about Malazan?

Yeah. Like that.

That's how I dream. Every night that I remember my dreams, it's like I've read through an entire fantasy series. Sometimes I get "best of" repeats of themes or locations. Very rarely do people repeat. Very rarely do specific situations repeat.

I dream about wars. Battles are fought between good and evil in my dreams. Philosophies are squabbled over. Demons come to claim the souls of champions who must fight them back into the pits of hell.

Loves are star-crossed. Some are unrequited. Resolution comes with a bittersweet price.

Sometimes I lucid dream. I usually think about what I'm dreaming of as I'm dreaming, but occasionally I'll actively change something. If a character from my dream thinks I need to know something, they'll respond directly to me about a thought I'm having - this always freaks me out because I'm almost never talking to them.

When I make an effort to lucid dream and I'm worried there will be a battle or a monster or something, I carry a claymore across my back (I am Scottish!). It's nearly the size of me, but I'm dreaming so I can carry it and wield it easily.  Then I kill whatever I don't like with my giant sword. When something dies, it turns to a sort of gray vapor and dissipates. I get the best of both worlds this way - no mess or gross, and satisfying destruction of whatever is bothering me.

Sometimes I dream about the future, and it comes true. This is a little unnerving and unfortunately I've never been able to really keep track of things or dream of something useful (i.e. I can't do the whole, "beware, this is a bad idea! steer clear!" or tell someone who they're going to marry, so don't bother asking.). Usually it's just a moment in time, like eating dinner at a diner or sitting in church, or knowing a conversation before it happens (Once I even dreamed an episode of Castle before it was shown - so useless.).

Typically I dream of a cluster of moments surrounding a major crossroads or life event (such as when my husband lost his job or when my son was born - both happening in the span of 2 months). And these dreams usually occur anywhere from six months to a year beforehand from what I've observed. The moments show up disguised in my crazy epic dreams, a way of thinking about things - like seeing a chessboard with people instead of pieces. Then I see them play out in real life...that's as best as I can explain it.

Yeah. My dream life is...intense.

This is how I'm able to create such crazy worlds and complex relationships in my novels. I imagine all kinds of possibilities in my subconscious mind. The more I learn, the more I incorporate.

I play out all kinds of concepts, ideas, and choices. My dreamscape is a place where I can determine where my heart really lies or come to a decision (I married my husband because of a dream. No joke. Call me crazy.).

Dream are a curious thing. Some symbols are universal, others cultural, while still others are personal. They are a point of fascination for many people, and have been a point of study for psychologists (even spawning areas like depth psychology). Needless to say, dreamscapes are a fantasy/sci-fi writer's candy factory. In the case of my current project, they (combined with my strange fascination for the paranormal) have directed many aspects of my writing.

It will be interesting to see exactly how this novel manifests itself - and even more so, what you think of it. ;-)

Changing the Writing Process

I feel pretty good about this plan thing - still.

I have 2 nonfiction books close to done (just a few tweaks here and there and then they can be published! Woohoo!).

Currently I'm working on my third book in my 2014 master writer plan, which has been a real learning experience. The nonfiction books were easy for me to write because they were based on real life experience. This fiction book, while not difficult, has stretched me as a writer.

Typically when I write fiction I don't know what's going to happen. In fact, if I know what's going to happen (i.e. outline the story in advance) I can't write it. I don't care. it's one of the reasons I've put off finishing Khloe's final book and the third in the ROLLINS PACK. I already know the answer to the question I'm asking and I'd much rather be surprised by the direction of the story than know exactly what I'm getting.

There are serious disadvantages to such a process. For example, I never know what's going to happen. It means that I can sometimes get lost in weird details and then in the rewriting process I have to go back and rework significant portions of the story. Often I get stuck on a part. The characters end up at a point which should be easy to write (this happens, so x follows) but instead I get blocked and I have no idea what happens next.

I become a slave to my creative inspiration with this type of process. But it's not all bad.

The major benefit of this process style is that I'm motivated to finish. It's how I wrote THE BROTHERS in 2 weeks time. It's how I wrote JAMES in less than a month. When I'm on, I'm really on. I'm manic.

This current book however, is too complicated for that. It's a single narrative, and yet it's episodic. There are themes and hidden gems in every chapter. There are connections and layers upon layers. There are a lot of things that have to happen at the right time in the right order for it to work as a book. Everything has to be just right. On top of that, everything in the writing changes from chapter to chapter so it makes it difficult to navigate without some kind of road map. I can't rely on my creative muse of the moment. I had to change my process.


While I didn't create an outline as such, I did make a list of plot points. I also have another list I'm using as direction for each chapter (though I won't explain what the list is because I don't want to spoil the book for you when you read it). I have to consult this every time I work on it. This is in part so that I keep in mind the general direction of the book, but also to get my mind back into gear. If I didn't, I really would get lost in the writing.

Because of this process, I could still finish writing this in a week as long as I figure out how everything fits together (and I have enough writing time with caring for the baby). I want to finish it in a week, but we'll see.

By way of letting you know a little more, I will say this: the current project is for adults - VERY much for adults. The themes are sometimes gruesome, sometimes sexual, very philosophical, sometimes spiritual and things get pretty graphic. This is the book I've always wanted to write but couldn't until now. I didn't realize I wanted to write it until now (sounds weird, but it's a process, so bear with me). It's home is somewhere between fantasy and science-fiction with a dose of literary fiction.

If it ends up being the length I expect, then I'm a third done with the first draft.

I know. That told you hardly anything. But I promise my next post will be less of a tease. Really. In the mean time, send me positive vibes and hopefully I'll get an average of 4x my daily goal written in the next 7 days.

That would mean I'd be finished with writing this current project. And I could get to rewriting. And coverart. And publishing.

And that would be awesome.

Patience Through The Doldrums

The Doldrums are a place in the ocean where nothing moves – the water is still. The wind is still. To a sailor it is a kind of death. You can speed directly into the doldrums, and once there, you're stuck until by chance your luck turns and you find a current, however slow, that when combined with your oars, take you to a place of movement and life.

This is where I am right now. It's not just in writing or in business, but in life. I'm in the doldrums. It doesn't matter how sunny the day is, or how wonderfully smiley my son is – everything is gray and muddled and stuck.

I get like this whenever I feel like things aren't moving fast enough. I am a pretty fast moving person. Whenever I make a decision I take action immediately. I don't wait around. Yes, I might do research. I might collect information for a time, but once all of it is in, I don't dally. I don't waffle. I decide. When the decision has been made, everything falls into place because I decided it would be so. I move. I act. Things push forward. That's how the majority of my life has been.

Needless to say, I have a streak of impatience a mile wide.

For someone like me who decides to do things and acts with the urgency of an ER surgeon, it's hard when things don't move at my pace. I can't understand when people don't come to the same conclusions I do (What do you mean you don't already know and love my books? What do you mean you don't want to come to my writing class and bring all your friends and their friends?). I can't understand when people don't want to move on decisions with the same speed and certainty that I do (What do you mean you don't want to go right now?! What do you mean you don't know what you want out of life?!).

I don't live like that. I'm always moving to the next thing. But I also have slow days where all I do is eat Nutella covered toast and watch old movies on cable. Granted, I would choose to have fewer of those than more, but they do happen. It's kind of like a firefighter. There are moments of extreme nearly frenetic action, followed by clean up and card playing.

My husband is not like me. He is slow and deliberate. He takes his time with everything (except in crisis situations where his protective tendencies come out in full force). It's hard for someone like me to be married to someone like him. This is probably even worse when I'm hyped up on coffee at 7 AM and he hasn't been able to discern which way is up yet (okay, it's much worse).

Being married to someone who functions on a different pace is difficult, but it's not as difficult as when the whole world seems to function slower. I literally feel like the world is dragging me down. I feel like the wind has stopped and the water has stilled. My first inclination is to find a solution to this problem. Generally a solution for me means another project. But if I started a new project every time I fell into the doldrums, I'd be spread so thin I wouldn't accomplish anything.

It's a problem. A serious problem.

I want to work on things, but I'm stuck. In order to unstick myself, I need to work on things. I feel trapped by my reactions to stress, which is more stressful.

Are you dizzy yet? I am.

My decision to get out of the doldrums at this point is to work on an old story idea I had back in 2012. It's fun, doesn't require research or rereading of any of my books, and it can be worked on in chunks. Each chapter can be as long or short as I want because of the nature of the story. It's perfect. And then when I feel ready to return to something a little more difficult to write, I can. Meaningful progress. Thank God!

Help! - Project Poll

I need your help. Seriously. I'm blocked. Not sure if it's  sleep deprivation, stress, sleep deprivation, illness, or sleep deprivation. Whatever the deal is, I'm at an impasse with writing. SO...I need your vote and here are the fiction project options:

1. FAMILY, FRIEND, or FOE - the last book in the Khloe series. I'm maybe half way done with this and I can't figure out where to go next. The ending is in my head, but how to get there is tough.
2. ANDREW - the third book in the Rollins Pack. Again, I'm about half way done (maybe more) and I know how it ends, but I'm struggling with the path between here and there.
3. CERIDWEN - a stand alone college/adult project with series potential. This is my mutant/alien/disease/sci-fi book and is maybe a quarter done. I have no idea how it ends or where to go next (lots of intrigue and scandal potential).
4. VICE & VIRTUE - working title, a stand alone adult project. I'm probably between a third and half way finished. This is my angels, demons, and general mayhem theological exploration book. I have no idea how it ends, and I'm not sure what needs to happen next in the story.
5. ???? - there are several "other" options including a story about a family where the son strays from his parents to pursue his dream (think night circus style); a sister who decides to leave the family business with catastrophic consequences (think myth); there's also a psychological book idea involving God and the nature of reality. Christian thinks I should write a sequel to BELOW THE BELT (it's a very popular download on Smashwords and it's FREE this week so get it now!)

 The other option is something non-fiction. I have two real projects there, both in relative infancy (one in lines of the unexpected, and the other having to do with a taboo topic and the process of exposing it).


What do you think? VOTE! PLEASE! I need to figure something out. I must make progress! And, please tell me why you want me to work on a given project. Also, suggestions for something completely different are also options, along with reasoning behind them.


Thanks in advance!

Procrastination? No. This is Multi-tasking!

I've been going through a slump lately when it comes to writing - well, sort of. It's kind of hard to write when there is an adorable baby sitting next to you. I mean, really, this kid is cute. But he's also a baby, and babies require a lot of care.

My days have been filled with a lot of other things besides writing - social things, exercising, and figuring out the next steps for setting up some writing classes that I'll be leading in SB County.

These things are exciting and good, but they also make it a lot more difficult to get to my books. The motivation is difficult to find. Frequently I find myself playing dinky little match-three games and watching superhero movies to try to get the juices flowing. Seriously. I'm watching The Dark Knight right now, in between writing blog posts and playing Pet Rescue Saga.

Now you know my priorities are straight.

But even while I am doing these other things, I'm thinking. I'm always thinking. What's going to happen next in my story? When am I going to block out time to write away from the baby (The answer is when he goes to sleep around 8  tonight.)? Where am I going to submit my short stories? What am I going to do for promotion of my new classes?

This practice of thinking while doing other things might be a product of motherhood, but I also think it's a practice of people who are going places and getting things done. If you're not always thinking, you're not moving forward. So it might be procrastination to some, at least at face value. But it's not in the least. It just allows my mind the freedom to solve some of my problems and smooth the way to getting things done when I do have time to focus on finishing things. Still, I'd like to be writing a little more than I am. Really. But balance is the name of the game, and sometimes I just have to play one.

Show Far: My Growing Belly Update

I knew I was starting to show a few weeks ago, but when I saw the picture Christian took of me tonight my jaw dropped. It got me thinking about how far I've come in this pregnancy.

So far I've:

• Had my blood drawn 4 times (once because the lab said I had a different blood type and RH factor - and I'll have to have this done again, but we won't talk about that now...).
• Not taken any childbirth classes whatsoever - and I don't intend to - at least not in person. I read a ridiculous amount and will be attending a prenatal group through my birth center so I feel like it would be redundant.
• Been scared shitless about being a parent even while I've been deliriously excited about this new life growing inside of me and the adventure it promises.
• Purchased a total of 2 dresses and 7 tops (although one of them shrank beyond wearability after one wash).
• Gone to 3 prenatal appointments.
• Heard the baby's heartbeat twice.
• Seen the baby once (and will again for an anatomy scan at 21 weeks).

It makes perfect sense. I'm almost half-way through my pregnancy. The baby is almost 6 inches long and half a pound at this point. I can feel movement. This thing growing in my belly is no longer a simple cluster of cells or an abstract thing. It is much more than that.

And it shows.

Literally.

I wonder how much longer it will take for my students to comment. So far they continue moving along the way kids so often do - blissfully in their own little worlds - concerned about their lunches, snacks, friends, and timing of summer vacation.

Though I have seriously considered making one of their drawing prompts "Draw something related to babies/pregnant ladies" (not sure on the wording for this one as I might need to be careful with my prepubescent 5th graders) I have yet to broach the topic. I'm waiting for them to bring it up. Eventually one of them will. It's just a question as to when. And as I wait for one of them to bring it up, my belly continues to grow along with the resident in my womb.

No matter how I look at it, my body is changing rapidly and we're getting closer and closer to all the excitement, terror, and wonder of being full-fledged parents (as crazy as that sounds). There's no denying it any more. It is absolutely real.

When Is It "Real"?

I still don't believe it.

It doesn't matter how many times I vomit, or how often I have to eat, or snap at Christian, or cry over the most inane things.

I still don't really feel pregnant.

I'm 16 weeks, heard the heartbeat, seen the ultrasound and it feels more like a dream or a production than reality. Even when Christian reminds me constantly "It's because you're pregnant!!" I almost want to snap back, "No! Liar!!"

Of course I *know* I'm pregnant. I know in my head that's what's going on and I'm not just an emotional eater gaining a bunch of belly weight. I know the vomit isn't some eating disorder or strange disease.

Okay, maybe it is a strange condition...

But seriously...I'm not sure when it will become truly real for me. There are moments that seem real, but the vast majority feel like a strange dream I'm trying not to forget.

I wonder if in the next few weeks movement will make the difference. Maybe a giant full belly and a waddle will bring it home. It could even be labor...but maybe not. Maybe the whole thing won't sink in until I've got a little person laying on my chest, gray-eyed, and wondering why they had to leave that wonderful womb warmth.

Yeah. I'm going with that one.

Man pregnancy is weird! ...or it could just be me...