Open Book Blog Hop: Three Things Shaping My Voice

Winetasting in Paso Robles

What are three things that make you unique? That was the prompt for this week's Open Book Blog Hop. I think you'll see a lot of connection between my answer and my books.

Ultimately the thing that makes a writer unique is experience. Accident of birth places us in a certain range of possible experience and life directions. In my case, there are a few specific things which guide everything else.

First, and perhaps the most obvious, is the influence of my parents. My parents are both ordained Baptist ministers (it is one of the family occupations in my tree). However, their brand of religion is not exclusionary in the least. It is carefully considered, thoughtful, and deep. My father is a man of logic and learning, who enjoys everything life has to offer, from watching a finch take a bath, to winetasting, to playing electric bass or guitar in a funk band. When my friends meet him, they say, "Your dad is so cool!" Half the time they end up befriending him on Facebook.

My mother is a powerful person. She dictates the climate of every room she enters (a gift I inherited, for better or worse). She suffered prejudice in order to follow her calling. I think because of this, she determined not to pigeon-hole me into a gender label. Instead, as a child she gave me gender neutral clothes unless I asked for something "girly." She made sure I had all kinds of toys, from remote control cars to blocks to dolls. I had science and craft kits. Thanks to her, I never felt like I couldn't do something because I had a uterus.

Second, I experienced a lot of overt misogyny from toddlerhood through young adulthood. I write a lot about this in my memoir THRIVE, and while I won't go into the details of what happened here, it definitely shaped who I am and my voice as a writer (especially in the context of my upbringing). This made me hunger for compassionate justice for all people, no matter their identity or station. It definitely directs my themes in all my fiction, but especially in THE ROLLINS PACK, because I wanted boys to particularly understand how their actions can impact others.

Finally, I am an optimist. Despite whatever crazy things happen to me (again, see THRIVE for some of the nitty gritty), I look for the beauty and wonder in all things. This may be considered a quality or trait as opposed to an experience, but it definitely shapes how I view my life experience and how I approach new things. I always give people the benefit of the doubt. If I don't know I person, I never credit their reputation until I have seen and experienced it myself. If something bad happens, I always look for the lesson or opportunity available. When there is the option for adventure, I always say yes - because I see all the marvelous possibilities and potential. It's how I ended up studying abroad in Hungary at the last minute (I heard a professor talk and decided I was going a month before.). It's how I got married in India in the Himalayas (Because why not? A story for another time...).

These are the things that stick out in my head as dictating what I do and how I do it. These are the things that shape my work and my path through life. What about you? Leave a comment below or write a post and join the hop!

******************************
Looking for a diversion this August? Be sure to check out P.J. MacLayne's books. If you like werewolves like I do, you might want to pick up a copy of WOLVES' PAWN. It explores werewolf social structure and has a love story, the kind of thing I love in paranormal!

Also be sure to read about MacLayne's Wyoming adventures. There are some super cool pics on her blog.

*****************************

An InLinkz Link-up

We Don't Know What We're Doing

Can we all admit we have no idea what we're doing?

I read a ton of articles about pretty much every kind of topic in a day. I read about writing, of course, but mostly I read about everything else.

I read about politicians who play out their boyhood (because they're primarily male) wet dreams in the world stage because they can, not caring who they hurt. I read about non profits trudging on, making a difference in kids' lives while chaos swirls around them. I read about the sordid lives of celebrities. I read about climate change being proven over and over again across the world. I read about the latest style trends. I read about scientific theories and discoveries and arguments over all manner of things. I read about alcohol consumption. I read about art movements and documentary films showcasing all kinds of things from the very disturbing to the utterly mundane.

I've been doing this for several weeks straight, courtesy of the ease of access to such articles through Facebook.

I've even noticed how the viral videos spread - who are early adopters and complete social media addicts while others are slow to find these things (or maybe this is a result of having certain types of friends?).

And my conclusion to all this observation?

We humans have no frickin' clue what we're doing. We're just groping around in the dark.

At first I thought it was just in publishing. I thought my own stumbling path was an isolated incident. I thought my lack of know-how with utilizing social media, my lack of resources to outsource things like editing and artwork was holding me back. I thought if I digested enough material I could figure out something and somehow cobble together the great "Alexis Solution," but I am still searching (Note: I am still holding out hope and when I do discover it, I will absolutely put it into an information product for fun and profit!).

Now I realize it isn't about publishing, but about being human. We grab on to whatever bit of truth or limited fact supports our thoughts and hold on with everything we've got. Sometimes we use correct logic. Sometimes not. Sometimes we get hyper emotional one direction or another. Occasionally this is to our detriment. Other times this makes the world a better place. Always, we stumble forward, trying to make sense of the world around us, about other people, and finally, ourselves.

This lends some truth to the idea, the very ancient idea, that we are each an expression of the Universe housed in our limited bodies. This little piece of the greater whole, reaching out, attempting to experience itself through whatever natural laws will allow. It is play. It is horror. It is glory. It is everything and nothing.

That is the nature of the universe.

Somewhere a Hindu is reading this and thinking, welcome to Brahman and Atman. Somewhere a physicist is reading this and thinking, yes. The consciousness of everyone, dumped back into that great mystery of space.

Maybe they're sitting next to one another. They look up, smile, and shake hands. I imagine the conversation starts something like this:

"Hello, fellow traveler. Tell me about your groping, stumbling, adventure through the dark."

The Most Powerful Force

Love.

This is the thing that holds us together and sets us apart. This is the thing that makes us scale mountains and cross oceans.

Love.

More powerful than greed or apathy or fear - love can turn an enemy to a friend. Love can turn an object into a real human being. Love is the most powerful force - more powerful than gravity. It is the ultimate variable - more important than time.

It is the ultimate choice - transcending Schrodinger's cat, particles and rays, life and death.

Love.

And what comes from this ultimate power? This force before all forces? When we use this, when we allow this force to direct our hearts and minds, only the best things come into being. Only our best dreams are realized at the hands of love. Only our best intentions are made manifest - made into only, exactly, the best thing needed at that exact time.

Anger, jealousy, sadness...these are products of the broken heart. They are symptoms of love lost, or betrayed. Do not allow such things to direct your actions. Twisted plants grow from seeds sown with these hands.

Instead, turn your heart toward love. Turn it to forgiveness and let go those broken things. Let your heart be healed through the creative, restorative power of love. Focus instead on new tomorrows, better days filled with peace, friendship, hope, and joy. These are the fruits of a vibrant heart focused on love. These are our yearnings. Let us set our sights on them.

This is my earnest wish for all - that your hearts be filled with love.

Crossing Genres: Poetry, Fiction, and Non-fiction

Well, I'm in the process of putting my toe into three pools. Some people say this is a bad idea, while others have done it quite successfully and encourage such an adventure.

Honestly, I really don't care what "they" say. I'm doing it. That's final. It's done.

I'm particularly inspired by the non-fiction work of several of my favorite "children's" authors - C.S. Lewis and Madeleine L'Engle. Both these individuals were people of faith and their spirituality profoundly influenced their writing - not just their fiction, but also their non-fiction.

I'm finding that to be the case for me as well.

It is good to write fiction. It is good to write good fiction. But how can I sit back and not put my two cents in on issues that matter to me in a non-fiction way? Yes, my blogs can do that for me to some extent. Perhaps they will at some point develop into some kind of book or series themselves (stranger things have happened). But a blog is a different kind of thing. The writing I'm talking about has a very different purpose, and certainly one devoid of the diary or even essay form that is so popular in the blogosphere.

It's for this reason I published my poetry collection. It's for this reason I am in the process of revising my world religion curriculum. Do they speak to the same audience? Maybe there is some overlap. I'm not sure. But I'm acutely aware that most of the readers of these three areas will likely not overlap. I'm comfortable with the idea that different people will need to be reached for these very different creations.

And that's okay.

I doubt Lewis or L'Engle thought their non-fiction pieces would be avidly devoured by the same readers of their most famous children's series. If they did, I think we would have labelled both of them "delusional." Were (are) their non-fiction pieces read as widely as their fiction? I doubt it. Does it make their contribution to spiritual discourse less valuable? Certainly not.

I don't write for fame. I write because my soul burns. There is too much to hold inside - it must find voice. It must find expression. I must call out into the dark, loud and clear. I would love more than an echo of response or a hollow nothingness. I would love to have a sea of voices saying "yes" to my words. But whether I hear them or someone else hears them a long time from now doesn't matter. I cannot know what my words do. All I know is I must speak them - I must write them. From then on, their lives are their own.

Major Blog Changes

Okay guys. I have a plan and I'm going to be implementing it in the next two weeks.

As some of you may know, I have several other blogs I've been sitting on for a while. It is officially time to resurrect them. The reason is the purpose for this blog has changed, and the content I'm writing has changed.

After reading a number of blogger sites about blog development, demographics, advertising, sponsors, and marketing, it makes the most sense to split my posting between my interests in a reasonable and understandable way.

This means I will no longer be posting daily, but several times a week on this blog, as well as a new blog I will devote to parenting/pregnancy etc (which will hopefully be up by the end of the week...or tomorrow). I will continue to post some general life posts here on this blog, however this will primarily be my fiction/creative non-fiction blog. Likewise, I will have a self-development/awesome blog where I just put how-tos and examples of going big v going home (and some updates on how I've made certain things in my life work *well*). Posts to this self-development blog, as well as a fourth blog (related to religion) will only happen once a week. These posts will all be SCHEDULED so there will be posts happening regularly on specific days for each blog.

The reason I'm doing this is because my interests are pretty wide. I think it will be easier to tailor my posts for my audiences, as well as build better connections with fellow bloggers and potential affiliates. For those who aren't interested in my fiction exploits, you can avoid them. For those who aren't interested in my pregnancy exploits, you'll never have to see them. Plus I think Adsense will, well, make more sense on the blogs. Right now it appears confused. :-/

As these changes take place, please be patient. There are probably going to be some hiccups along the way. I will be experimenting with some things, so the blogs may look slightly different for a little while.

Please let me know if you have had any success with certain widgets/gadgets/blog-related things in the comments below (or mention me on Twitter: @alexisdonkin). I'd love to hear your thoughts!

Hands Off MY Belly! No Worship Allowed!

I'm not big enough to attract the unwanted belly attention so many pregnant women get. For this I'm very glad.

I'm not sure I'll even get it. I have this uncanny ability to ward people off with my eyes. While it is possible for the socially inept to miss my death glare, generally when I don't want to speak to people, they stay away. I hope this will be the case with my belly, but I'm not holding my breath.

I'm not talking about people asking about the pregnancy. I know that is unavoidable. I know I'll get the stupid comments about how I look bigger or smaller than my number of weeks. I've already gotten plenty of "sleep now because you won't later." These things might be mildly annoying but they aren't bad.

It's the touching thing that concerns me.

The abdomen is a vulnerable place on the body. It is an intimate place. All our vital organs (with one exception) are located there. I have always been sensitive about my belly. It is one body part I've always been self-conscious about, even when I've felt really good in my own skin.

These things alone are enough for me to want no one (unless invited) to touch my belly.

Even still, let's add one more thing. Adult touch is layered with meaning, particularly status. A person of higher status can touch a person of lower status without any real meaning. If a person of lower status touches one of higher status, it implies sexual interest. These things aren't conscious, but are very much a part of how we as humans understand the world as social beings.

The problem arises when someone assumes they are higher status.

I will put several things out there for thought.

I NEVER expect ANYONE to touch me. The exceptions are my friends, family members, and those of clearly higher status (older, C-level executive types or other *highly* accomplished individuals). Those of a clearly higher status are only able to touch my shoulder, arm, and give me a greeting. Anything else is unacceptable to me.

If anyone who is unknown to me touches me, it raises every hackle in my being. If a stranger or acquaintance assumes it is okay to touch me, I get very upset. This is because I feel they don't know my social rank, and I don't know theirs. The assumption before I was pregnant was made based on my sex, which I feel comfortable saying, I am definitely higher in the pecking order than many men, and therefore is a false assumption.

But pregnant?

I don't know if the need to touch a pregnant woman has anything to do with status. It might be worship.

Yes. Worship.

For anyone who has been to a Hindu temple you'll know what I mean immediately. I remember a Devi temple where the press of bodies in the idol room was so intense one wrong step and you'd have been trampled. The fervor of the devotees was immense. But how does this relate to touching a pregnant woman's belly?

Just think - pregnancy is the closest to creation a human can get. All the art and fabrication in the world is nothing compared to the power of the womb. If you were standing that close to a saint or to the Creator, wouldn't you want to touch her? To receive her blessing?

I understand the urge. I do.
And it doesn't fricking matter. You touch me uninvited and I'm touching you right back - possibly with a snappy comment to boot.

My body is not public property. It's a private shrine. Membership is exclusive. Ne me touche pas!

The Spiritual Health of Children

Since I've been pregnant, I downloaded an app to my phone that gives me random information each week as well as allowing me to connect with other expectant moms. Several things surprised me about these forums.

First, people really don't think. Maybe it is the nature of pregnancy hormones, but the immediate reactions that are emotional and completely unresearched drive me crazy. This however is expected because as we know, most people are stupid and preggo ladies are under the influence of all manner of stressors. This however is not my main concern. I've long since reconciled myself to this situation (or so I tell myself).

The second and most important thing that struck me is the huge religious reaction to many topics.

This surprised me.

I didn't really think about all the super religious people being present. However there are quite a few who are all God this, Jesus my Lord and Savior that.

Then there are those in the other camp - of whom I thought even less: atheists and agnostics. I'm a little embarassed to say they weren't on my radar because of how anti-religious people are in the Bay. I meet more people who don't believe in God here than most places.

The funny thing is, now at the precipice of parenthood, I find antagonism towards the church to be disturbing.

I have, as a semi-religious person, always had some difficulty when faith comes under attack. After all, much of my life has been shaped by the thing. I've had many positive experiences with religion and therefore am incredibly angered when people make hurtful generalizations. It's just like saying "all white people are racist" or "all women are bad drivers" or "all pretty people are stupid." Obviously there are some churches that are frightening and horrible places. But we can't paint the entire institution with such a stroke.

Now that I'm about to bring another person into the world, I am thinking carefully about how they should be raised. Never in my mind did I doubt I would raise my child in a community of faith. The reason is I want my child to have a support system. I want them to have other adults around who can help them learn and grow. I want them to learn compassion and love as well as have a system of clearly defined ethics.

So you can imagine how I feel when I read about parents saying they don't want to raise their children in a faith community, but they're open and their kids can come to their own conclusions when they're older.

Insert incredulous stare here.

Children are influenced by their parents. They will not come to a conclusion about faith without being exposed to it. They will simply not care (as evidenced by my many friends raised in such a fashion). Instead they will be forced to haphazardly cobble together a system of ethics and set of values they glean from their friends and popular culture. If they're smart or lucky, they'll read some ethicists.

What the hell are these parents thinking?! Popular culture is a sess pool! Seriously - reality television alone is horrifying when considering values. And as far as friends (I love mine, I do.) no offense, but I'll take some pointers from wiser philosophers than listen to my junior high compatriots at the tender age of 13. The likelihood of all these children reading ancient works of philosophy and ethics is minute. I doubt they're explored in public schools and it's less likely all these children have curious minds that would seek such things from the library.

Without a cohesive set of ethics and values, it's hard to know how to act. Children look to parents for guidance in their actions. They seek approval. They will do what adults do because they want our love. They need instruction. They are learning as they go. They need a set of rules in place to follow. I see it in my job all the time. Children without rules are atrocious little monsters.

These are the immediate issues regarding not raising a child in a faith community (not to mention the lack of community which is a very real and horrible loss). But what does this do to the child once they become an adult?

They are lost. Spiritually lost.

I don't mean they're going to hell and must come back to the fold in order to avoid damnation. Rather I find many people seeking and not finding. I find many adults without faith to be empty and aching inside without understanding why.

For someone raised in faith,  this missing piece makes sense. Whenever I am gone from church I feel it - my separation from God. But someone who has no understanding, no language to describe the spirit is at a disadvantage. How can you find your way home when you have no compass? No map? No path? No stars? No landmarks?

You are truly lost in the dark.

That sounds like hell to me...a slow torturous self-made thing, so insidious it cannot be seen, but follows a person wherever he goes for life.

For some who are not sensitive to ways of the spirit, they may get on well enough without the path, blind as they are to the dark. To those of us who feel every blade of grass and relish the quietest bird song, we will ache to the point of self-destruction.

And guess what? A parent cannot know what type their child is at birth or even into elementary school. So logically, a parent who wants the best for their child should find a way to nurture their child's spirit and instill a system of ethics and values (which is aided by a community of likeminded adults). To not do this is to do a great diservice to the child.

Now some atheists will be angry with me for saying these things. And I have seen attempts at atheistic communities which have addressed *some* of these concerns, but only some. As one might expect, the biggest problem is the lack of cohesion of beliefs and values along with a lack of stories to support them. You cannot get a community to teach a set of values or standardize a curriculum without consensus. Then will you use Aesop's Fables to teach? Popular children's books? Who decides? Or do you just have your children run around playing without any set programming?

Besides this, it is rather difficult to go from town to town and find your local atheist club (though the internet has certainly helped to rectify this). While many are firm atheists, not believing in God doesn't hold the same fervor as the opposite. Many have as much difficulty with the idea of institutions as they do with a deity. It makes forming any kind of network of membership next to impossible.

Agnostics are even more problematic because by their very nature they do not know. How can you raise a child in "not knowing"? That is down right confusing and encourages the kind of Frankenstein approach to ethics and values that results in endless contradiction, confusion, and wavering. Children *hate* not knowing. Insecurity is something children cannot deal with. They freak out when feeling insecure (see foster kids everywhere). Yes a teenager may be able to make decisions (though probably only the most mature) about their spiritual health, but not a child. They need more than "I don't know."

Truly much is lost when a child is raised without any faith. Yes, finding the right faith community is difficult and may take years. However, it is worth the effort for the benefits to your child's spiritual and moral health. Adult hang ups about religion shouldn't get in the way of providing a rich spiritual environment for children. Do you have to believe everything that comes out of a pastor's mouth? No. Should you agree with everything? Absolutely not. But this is where expert parenting skills come into play. Find a good Sunday school curriculum, good people supporting your child, and a system of ethics you can get behind. Then when the kid gets older, they have a foundation they can use to help them make good decisions about their spiritual health. And that is exactly what we want.

Dawn, Angels, and Divinity

Recently I've been researching angels and demons (for reasons I hope to make clear soon). It has brought me back to questions about my own faith, and how to reconcile the strange ideas running around in my head.

It turns out more than half of all American adults believe in angels and demons. Over ninety percent believe in God. This is interesting to me. I wouldn't have expected so many to also believe in angels.

As I have begun to evaluate my own beliefs and god-given talents, I have discovered that guardian angels aren't just for Catholics. There is quite a large body of hooby dooby work out there related to angels. I struggle with both sets for different reasons. The most important reason is probably because religion is the product of humanity. Humanity is flawed. Therefore religion is flawed.

I struggle with religion. I do not, however, struggle with the glorious warmth of today's sunrise, or the soft purring cat curled up in my lap. I do not struggle with a friend's laugh, or inspired insight. These are things of beauty that prove to me the existence of the divine. That divinity is all I really need to know. That I know or experience anything else is icing on the cake.

Catholicism argues there are two kinds of angels - angels of God, and angels of man. Anyone could be an angel. An angel is a messenger. I don't have to believe in them. I just have to be open to what they have to say.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.4

Not Crazy, Just Open - A Case for The Supernatural

I distinctly remember the sensation of meeting new people as a child. Generally, I didn't feel anything, one way or another. People were just people. Then, when a friend would say "That new guy is a jerk!" after spending a minute with the kid, I was confused. 

It may have been, after a week or so, I came to share my friend's opinion. That said, to this day I always give people the benefit of the doubt. There are - it is true - certain actions that forever tarnish a person in my mind, but for the most part, I'm a let-bygones-be-bygones kind of girl. Some people might say this is stupid, crazy, or strange. They might say I'm gullible.

More accurately, I'm optimistically open.

I am one of those rare people whose default is "half-full." I hate mistrusting people. I hate negative feelings. I would always choose laughing over crying if given the choice (which is ironic, if you know me well, because I am quite a crier!).

However, my optimism doesn't end with people or life situations, but extends to include ideas. I am willing to entertain most ideas for a certain period of time. I am willing to be convinced to an opposing view if the information and argumentation is right. Hell, I watch Ancient Aliens and will entertain half their pseudo-science for at least a minute before seeing overwhelming facts proving the contrary (much to my husband's chagrin).

So, when certain strange things present themselves, I am willing to entertain them. Like Sherlock Holmes, once every other theory is eliminated, the remaining, however improbable, is the logical conclusion. It is why I am willing to entertain the power of Reiki (which I have experienced firsthand), the significant numbers of empaths in the greater population, or the general ability of humans to use intuition to their advantage.

It is the same logic I use when confronted by the question of all questions, is there a god? Is there some creative force out there that shapes heaven and earth?

I would be lying if I said I never doubted God's existence. I have - in fact half the time, I do. When I look at humans - dirty, greedy, awful race that we are - I can't imagine how God could allow the world to continue as it is. I have in fact, ceased to watch the news for that very reason (remember, I hate negativity, so it makes sense that I would hate the news). I needn't remind everyone of the 20th century, which was the bloodiest thus far (we'll see how the 21st goes...).

But I'm getting ahead of myself. This isn't about humanity. This is about God.

Many people would consider me to be a heretic, perhaps even an agnostic. I may be a heretic to many traditional religious people, however I am not an agnostic. I can honestly tell you, I have seen and experienced enough in my life to know there are things in this world beyond the comprehension of the human mind. There are too many wondrous things, beautiful things, just for the sake of wonder and beauty to be placed here for any other purpose. I think of isolated forests untouched by humanity for thousands of years, only to be explored recently. There are so many laws of the universe that are too perfect, too extraordinary, not to have something behind them. The ideas proposed by quantum physics fascinate and inspire - for example light being both a particle and a wave or Schrodinger's cat. They don't make sense - but they do.


So, we look at these things, scratch our heads and try to come up with logical explanations. Humans have a habit of expecting things. We like to box and label our knowledge. The problem is we are limited. Our labels are faulty, as are our expectations. The blinders of our perceptions cause us to lose sight of the truth before us.

Fortunately, as we grow and change, we become more open to ancient wisdom we had forgotten (such as empathy, and intuition). This is a good thing, but it is also terrifying. When we admit there are things outside our understanding, it feels as though we have lost control. Yet as frightening as it is, we must force our minds to remain open to the possibilities. We do know our limitations. We disprove our own faulty logic time and again. After all, the world is round and does in fact circle the sun.

Still this knowledge of our limitations doesn't mean we should shut ourselves off from the ideas of what could be. We must accept we don't know everything. We must accept the universe is vast, terrible, and beautiful. We are but a single thread in the larger fabric of creation, only capable of knowing other threads we're able to touch. Simultaneously, we must dream. We must imagine, create, and feel.

I don't know that I believe in very many things. I certainly don't worship anything in a traditional sense. By many books, I'm damned. I am certainly aware that could be a possibility. That said, I'm hopeful that strange and wonderful creative force out in the universe is more interested in interacting thoughtfully and lovingly with a little life form like me.

But then again, I am an optimist.

Hitler is Dead - So Antisemitism is over, right?

Osama is dead, apparently. Then some idiots started dancing in the streets celebrating.  That's just what they were - idiots. They are idiots because not only is this premature, as far as celebrations go, but also because a single person is never responsible for an entire movement.  A single person is a symbol.

You can destroy a symbol in a symbolic fashion, but just because a single symbol - one of thousands - is destroyed doesn't mean a thing is over.  Think of it as a hydra.  When you cut off one head, two come back in its place.

Because Nazism is a favorite of internet forums everywhere, let's use our favorite Nazi as an example.  Hitler is dead.  In fact, most high ranking Nazi officials were systematically hunted and put through trials in order to humiliate them (as well as exact some kind of justice for the atrocities committed) - and they did a great job at it.  Germany is still trying to live down World War 2.  All this is true.  But if you look around Europe, there is still antisemitism.  White power is still a serious right wing movement that has held sway in many places, including my own "favorite" state of Arizona.

So we killed Osama.  Tell me something we did that was useful - like reforming corporate taxes, our education system, or executing a global multilateral plan to address climate change. That would be something that would cause me to dance in the streets.  When it happens I will tape it for you.  I promise - and I expect you to hold me to it.

When I Was Younger, I Wanted to Start a Revolution

Tonight I was talking with one of my more political friends who is working on campaigns in Louisiana.  We got to talking about our perspectives on governance, and I mentioned that I am more conservative about my ideas on "ruling." Of course, he corrected me by saying "governing." But I meant ruling.

There is a ruling class in this country, one with gobs of money and more consolidated power than is good for any single group to have.  Of course, this group of high net worth individuals makes "suggestions" as well as their own "legal" bribes to people in politics in order to protect their interests.  It's enough to make anyone feel sick.

When I was younger, I was convinced the only way to disrupt business as usual was to have a revolution.  I fully intended to start one myself, (although I prefer a nonviolent version).  So I researched it.  I studied revolution, social movements, and the most effective peaceful political changes I could find.  I studied non-violent protest strategies, violent rebellions, and the pansy reformations in between.

Through it all I became convinced the most important first step in changing something is education. The more people know about something, the more likely they will have an opinion about it.  From there it is a quick step to action. 

The second was to unite powerful demographics and organize them.  The most powerful group are true-believers, particularly religious people.  If you can align your cause with a pillar of a religion, you can convince that group of people to support the cause.  If it was something that overlapped multiple belief systems, you could have an incredibly large group of true-believers all working to address a single issue. 

Say for example you wanted to end abject poverty.  Going through the UN isn't the way.  Organizing religious groups to work with government agencies is.  With millions of people behind the cause, it would happen.  It couldn't not.  There are just too many true believers who if shown a way to change the thing, they would do it.

This brings me to now.  I'm not unconvinced that revolution isn't the way to go because the current situation isn't working.  On the other hand, I'm not sure if I would like what would happen afterwards.    I don't think people are desperate enough to resort to massive action - violent or otherwise (although Oakland and East LA would in a heartbeat). I know that education isn't working because the information is out there and accessible, but most people either aren't aware, or have no idea how to take action. 

Of course, there is always the Fight Club solution - kill the alter ego and blow up some big financial corporations.  I could do with a little jubilee.

Motivated to Move - Or Not

I've been hiding out this week.  This has meant playing a whole lot of Lufia 2 when I should have been packing, cleaning, or something else.  Still, I've been looking for a replacement art teacher for my student (which has been more annoying than not because of the number of people looking vying for a single regular student).  I also have packed the equivalent of one of our book shelves.  Okay, maybe two.  Probably one and a half.

Already I feel exhausted by the idea of moving.  It's one of the reasons I've been escaping (no pun intended) to Lufia 2.  That and really getting into my interval training, which I love.

Then I come back to reality and see we really only have three weeks before we have to have everything packed and ready to go.  The BMW people still haven't gotten us the information we need about the program, the apartment people still haven't given us numbers for what would work best to leave (although they're talking one month's rent either way, so it may work best just to break the lease and go), and I could go on.  I don't know, maybe I'm just overzealous, but I like to know things well in advance.  Even though I have done most things down at the wire, it has been the result of other people not giving me the information I need - because I always ask.  This reminds me that after the BMW program, I have no idea where we'll be going.  We could end up back in the Bay area, which is both frightening and reassuring.

It's frightening because I'm still not sure what I would do here.  As I have discovered with all the responses to my art teacher ad, there are a lot of people here in the art world who can do the things I do (and many better).  Even though I've acquired some contacts in the last 8 months while living here, it doesn't seem to be enough. 

Then I wonder if it will be any different in any new place. 

Ironically I, the person who has been place hopping for ten years, want to settle down and put roots into a place.  The problem is, I'm not sure exactly where that would be.  We've discovered we like many things about the Bay area, but it's too big for me.  There are too many people.  There is too much concrete.  Maybe the concrete just shows through because it can't be overwhelmed by plants the way that cities are on the East Coast.  But I don't particularly want to move across the country to some place that is cold in the winter (and white), hot and sticky in the summer, and 3000 miles away from both sets of parents.

Yeah, it's a problem.  I keep hoping for divine intervention to make this all become clear to me.  Then I got something in the mail from the Catholic church down the road.  They weren't asking us to come in, they just wanted us to send them prayer requests.  Granted, there were some weird ritualistic things in the appeal for prayer requests It's Catholic, they have mini-gods in their system of Saints which remind me an awful lot of Buddhism and Hinduism - sorry guys, but it's true.  Now, I'm Baptist which means I can't participate in any Catholic sacraments, but I'm not adverse to other people praying for me especially with so much going on in our lives. 

So I'm going to do a few things today. I'm going to pack, send in that prayer request, and with any luck find three poems to enter into a contest.  And I'm making coffee...because this is going to be rough.

Unions and Law - Protecting Your Brother

Let me give you a scenario.  There are two 8 yr old boys, same size, same abilities, same characteristics with one exception.  One has an older brother, let's say he's 12, and the other doesn't.  Both 8 year olds start to get picked on in school.  Let's say there's one main bully for each of the kids, and those bullies each have a little group of hangers-on, but the groups wouldn't have formed without the bullies.  Then, one day, the older brother of the one protects his younger brother.  Maybe he threatens his little brother's bully, maybe he punches him in the nose.  The end result is, the older brother promises the bully any time the bully picks on his little brother, the bully will have to face consequences.  But what happens to the little boy without an older brother? He gets beat up. Maybe if he's lucky or smart, he is strong enough to eventually deal with it, but chances are, he's going to be beat up and picked on for a long time.

People are like the little boy.  Without protection from the forces that attack us, we will be bullied.  There is nothing in check to prevent it from happening.  The bullies of people can be the government, or corporations, or individuals who act in ways that harm us.  Unions and laws that build consequences for societal bullies are like the older brother.  They protect us and enforce what is right. 

Some people will argue that unions are some kind of communist bi-product, but really, they were a reaction to the problems of capitalism.  Capitalism isn't perfect.  In fact, if taken to its illogical conclusion, it's messy, ugly, and incredibly destructive. If we didn't bail out AIG, if we didn't bail out Fanny and Freddy, what would have happened? I don't know, but it would have been messy.  If we didn't break up Ma Bell, if we didn't create child labor laws, if we didn't legislate civil rights - I can guarantee you this world would be a lot uglier.  But that is why we have unions and laws - so that kids can be kids, rather than lose their arms in a factory.  That is why we have unions and laws - so that a worker can live on the pay he or she makes doing his or her job and can't be fired for having different skin or being a different gender. 

Some might argue that I'm a radical, but to the religious people out there, I would challenge you to look at the arguments about money, and taking care of people which are made in your sacred texts.  The things I'm saying are as old as your scriptures, it's just I'm saying them in the context of today, and for some people, that's too painful to hear.

Organ Recital at Grace Cathedral - Culture for Free in the Bay

Our continued adventures in San Francisco took us to Nob Hill today and Grace Cathedral. We checked out Fun and Cheap in SF and found that Grace was holding a free organ recital. It's been some time since I've been in a cathedral, but my father was the minister of a downtown first church which was as close as Baptists can get to a cathedral.  Along with the dark cavernous Gothic architecture, I also grew up with an organ that you could walk through.

Needless to say it had been a long time since I had seen huge stained glass windows, flying buttresses, and large blocks of stone, let alone heard organ music that caused everything in 100 yard radius to vibrate.  We decided that a free concert would be worth the trip.  So we dressed up a little and headed across the Bay to Nob Hill.  We found a parking space on one of the steeply graded hills and squeezed our compact car next to the curve with some difficulty. 

Grace Cathedral has two labyrinths, one inside and one in a courtyard next to the main entrance of the sanctuary. Just inside, to the right there was and entrance to a chapel and some tapestries hanging on the columns.  The church had roped off the sanctuary passed the door to help control random visitors.  Christian and I were greeted by a man with programs.  Apparently there had been a singing group an hour earlier which we had missed.  I wasn't sorry about that, though looking at the church website, it's clear they have quite the eclectic series of musical acts that perform.  Today we had the pleasure of an accomplished organist, Gail Archer.

The music, by Franz Liszt, wasn't my favorite.  I would have preferred Mendelssohn or Bach.  Still, it was nice to hear the organ, even with typical Cathedral acoustics.  It was nice to be transported while taking in the stone columns and the gorgeous stained glass.  Below the windows were strange frescoes depicting political and church related scenes which seemed like a farse when viewed along with the windows showing iconic figures and the ornamental stone carvings decorating each column. I found myself thinking about all manner of things, about the church, about Catholicism (even though this church was Anglican), about my history with churches, and the different magical worlds created with each swell in the music.

Once it was over, I found myself wishing I could walk the labyrinth and explore the church grounds. Unfortunately it had begun a steady rain sometime during the second or third piece.  Grace is worth visiting, both the cathedral and the concept.  It's a beautiful space that has many things to offer (despite any problematic acoustics that might exist in the sanctuary). Any time you miss the sacred spaces of European Christendom, there's always an excellent specimen in downtown San Fransisco to visit that has great music.

Conservative Quirks - Poking Fun at My Difference

I really need to go to sleep because tomorrow morning I get to pick up Christian, but I was reading something and it stirred a few fires so I'll share my thoughts with you and forgo some sleep.

I am a fairly progressive person when it comes to most issues, at least my views when averaged would fall on the left-hand side of the political and cultural scale.  However, there are somethings that I think, feel, and I would say know which apparently are more conservative.

For example, giving children structure or boundaries is apparently a conservative view.  I think you'd have to be from an alien planet not to set boundaries for children, but maybe that just shows how oblivious I am to alternative perspectives on this issue.

Likewise, I favor intelligent design as a theory for how we have come to exist.  This might surprise some people, but then again, I would argue they haven't fully examined the flaws in Darwinian argument. This doesn't mean I don't think evolution has happened, of course it has, it's just a little more complicated than Darwinists would have you believe.

These are just a couple of the things that come to mind that make me a little more complex than just a blanket progressive.  To add to this list, I think that some people should not go to college (i.e. it's not right for everyone), you shouldn't swear in front of children, and that cosmopolitanism is bunk.

It's the last one that I need to explain.  We live in a world with all kinds of people that have all kinds of philosophies, skin colors, eye colors, sexualities, marriage customs, and music preferences.  Necessarily we will disagree, and sometimes fundamentally so.  Difference is a part of life, but I don't think we can say that all difference is good.  I think that anyone who says it is, hasn't really thought about the issue in much depth. 

I'm not saying that we should become automatons, in fact, I would hate that.  Difference is what makes us move and grow and create beautiful innovation.  I think however, that ignoring difference, or ignoring the real state of where things are is a disservice.  Let me give you an example.  I am white.  Until the age of 12 I went to a predominantly white middle-class elementary school.  When I went to junior high, I became the minority.  I experienced acute culture shock without having any idea what was happening or why I was responding the way I was (think: coming home crying every afternoon for two months straight).  Eventually I became accustomed to this different way of interacting in the world, and by the end of junior high, I felt comfortable in it.  Even with this experience, and many cultural exchanges since, I am still a little white girl.  I will never be able to change that.  It is part of who I am and distinguishes me from other people.  Is everything about middle-class white America brilliant and wonderful? No, absolutely not.  Still, it is part of who I am and I enjoy poking fun at it as well as my speedy absorption of vitamin D.

So what is the point to this discussion? We know that Alexis is not exactly one thing or the other, so what? We also know that I think pluralism (think: there are some absolutes) is better than cosmopolitanism (think: completely wishy-washy) and that political correctness is silly.  So where does that take us now? I personally suggest to make fun of yourself.  Make fun of whatever you happen to be in a positive and silly way.  It's fine to be different and it's fine that you might not agree with someone else's opinion.  I will accept my personal responsibility to eat a whole lot of aged cheese, tea, and toast in the next 48 hours.  Hail Britannia? Land that my genes...come from?

Reiki Works - Some Recommended Hooby Dooby Healing

You may remember that my mother is, as my father likes to say, "into hooby dooby stuff." What does that mean exactly? Well, I have the same tendency, so I'll be a little more pragmatic than my father might be.  We're interested in those things that are mysterious in the world, things that are inexplicable, and possibly on the fringe of what is acceptable in Western spirituality.  Yes, I mean new age.

This might make some people completely skeptical, and they might poo-poo whatever else I have to say.  To those people I say, get over it.  Suspend disbelief and choose to be a little open for the duration of this blog post because it may be that you will learn something helpful.

I'm the kind of person who wants to believe in things.  It's only recently that I've felt any kind of skepticism towards anything.  Two years ago you wouldn't have found me attempting to tear things apart the way I do now.  Still, every time I get a little too skeptical, a little too cynical, my mother is there to stem the flow of doubt.  She does it in a variety of ways.  Sometimes its testimony of her experiences or those of her co-workers.  As a spiritual counselor in a hospice, there are always stories about miraculous and strange things that happen to different people, or in the unusual continuing education classes they are required to take.  The gossip tends to be of a supernatural kind.  It makes sense, seeing as these people deal with death on a daily basis.  Strange things happen at death.  It is one of the last great mysteries.  As many answers as we find about the thing, we create ten times as many new questions.

It a strange tension between my mother's testimony and the documentaries produced on similar subjects for Nova or National Geographic.  I find myself re-examining things in a way that I hadn't wanted to for my entire life.  It used to be that I had a completely Christian understanding of life and death, a Western understanding of medicine, and a progressive perspective on the world in general.  Keep in mind, religion isn't the only thing people believe in.  Belief systems happen in politics and in culture in a variety of settings, even science can be called a belief system.

These days I have seen a complete about face in my beliefs. Everything is topsy turvy. Skeptic or not, I find myself in a whole new understanding with the necessary exploration to accompany it. To keep things simple, we'll stick to one set of assumptions that were turned on their head - healing.

My skepticism of Western medicine began as early as junior high. I got sick with a sinus infection every month from October through April several years straight until some doctor got the bright idea that I might have allergies.  They never tested for it.  They put me on an allergy medication, and I stopped getting sinus infections.  There were things like this that kept happening, to varying degrees, until I had some debilitating issues while living in Phoenix which no doctor or physical therapist was able to treat.  Literally, they could find nothing wrong with me.  They couldn't see anything wrong, yet I had severe physical swelling in several joints.  I was constantly in physical pain.  In the end, I changed my diet myself.  I started doing pilates and I was able to address my symptoms on my own. No doctor was able to help me.  I did it myself.

Now, I am a very anxious person.  I probably shouldn't drink as much caffeinated green tea and diet soda as I do (as to the latter, I really shouldn't, but we all have our vices).  Necessarily as an anxious person, I have difficulty sleeping.  When I wake up my mind starts going about everything and anything that concerns me, and I just can't turn it off.  Even though I altered my eating habits in order to promote sleep, and exercised regularly, I just couldn't get anything to work. Knowing this, my mother intervened.  She gave me some lavender spray and some oil and she gave me a Reiki session.  I slept like a baby.

Reiki is a kind of energy work.  It involves balancing the body's natural energy centers to promote consistent energy flow.  Just like if your body has a blockage in another system, like your artery or intestine, it causes problems.  It is the same with energy.  Now, I would counter doubters this way - that even if you didn't believe this stuff worked because of the energy balancing, it is still a relaxing and calming experience that leaves you feeling cared for and tranquil.  Of course, if you don't think it works, you've probably never had a session.

Each Reiki session is experienced differently, though the process the healer uses is the same.  The healer goes down your body, from energy center to center, clearing each in turn.  The patient experiences this clearance differently depending on what is going on with their body and spirit.  For example, my first Reiki session gave me the giggles.  I giggled and giggled and couldn't stop.  My throat became sore (keep in mind I didn't have a cold nor was I sick in any way).  As my session continued, I felt extreme heat as each section of my body was cleared.  Keep in mind that my mother's cold hands weren't on me (like me, my mother's hands are perpetually cold).  They were about 4-5 inches away from my skin, yet I felt a firm reassuring pressure and extreme heat. 

Going into my session, I had no idea what to expect.  My mother merely said that each session is different for each person.  I didn't go in with specific thoughts planted in my brain as to how I should experience this thing, or how it would work.  It just worked.  So how is it that something like this could do wonders for my physical and psychological well being when medical doctors were unable to?

Let me put forth some observations - there are some things that Western medicine cannot address.  There is mystery in the world and in the human body, and that is okay.  There are some ailments where traditional healing practices are more beneficial than Western ones.

Beyond that, I love Reiki.  I think it's amazing and more people should experience it.  I'm seriously considering getting some kind of certification.  In the mean time, I'm reading up on it (which is requiring more than a little suspension of disbelief).  Even if some hooby dooby stuff is a little wonky, Reiki works, which means some of these other ideas may have an ounce of validity as well.  It's enough to encourage my exploration of the hooby-dooby.  Wish me luck and cleared energy centers! :-D

The Importance of Dreams - Clairvoyance, Belief, and Science

Recently I watched a Nova special on dreams.  A person could look at it and come to one of two conclusions, either, my prophetic dreams that are ridiculously in-depth are just an avenue for me to understand my world, or they are what I originally thought they were - glimpses.

It is hard to believe in anything any more living in the world we do.  In fact, not a day goes by that I am not further convinced there is less mystery and more ugliness that makes this awful place the way it is.  Maybe I need a happy light to make me think otherwise, I'm not sure.  It probably doesn't help that I now live under cloud cover and I'm experiencing the closest thing to winter I have since living in the wild west.  Still, there are other factors that are more important than the average weather of a place.  No this has been going on much longer than just a simple dreary day or week.  This has been going on longer than a decade.

I have officially decided I can no longer watch documentaries about anything remotely related to my spiritual life.  If I do, it will just serve to depress me and disembowel me even more.  Rather, I'm going to try to fake it til I make it. I don't care if the end result means I believe my dreams are an alternate reality where I battle the forces of evil and elves really do exist in northern climes. I don't care if I end up thinking that druids have the right of it.  I'm tired of people failing - trying to uncover every bit of everything and explain it away.  I'm tired of people using institutions as avenues for being cruel to people by way of playing out their insecurities.  I'm tired of all of it.  I'm tired of paradoxes and false idols and calling people things like infidels and apostates.  It's just gotten to the point where I am more angry that people are so irritatingly on their high horses that it is impossible for them to examine or entertain anything else. 

The only place in Christianity that entertains prophecy or dream messages is one of the s-c-a-r-i-e-s-t places I could ever imagine being.  That is Pentecostalism - think speaking in tongues, no logic, Creationism, and a whole lot of militant beliefs that are on the "right" side.  So if you have dreams that seem like a message, or a thought, or something remotely like a nudge in a direction and you talk about them anywhere at all you will get weird looks from anyone with the possible exception of a handful of sleep researchers and Pentecostals.  So that's good.  That makes me feel super warm and fuzzy.  Totally. 

What makes it worse, ironically, is the lack of nudging.  As I mentioned previously, short of the recent resonating friend conversation and a fortune cookie, I'm feeling pretty isolated from the world beyond.  It feels... odd. It's as though my right arm was cut off, or I'm entering the beginning stages of Alzheimer's and I can't remember everything about my life.  Something is missing. I can't put my finger on it.  I turned off the stove, I got the laundry out of the dryer.  So what is it?  And how can I get it back?

Well, I'm thinking it's faith, belief, or a connection to the divine.  As for getting it back, pfft! I have no effing clue.  I mentioned before I started reading this devotional book.  Holy Adventure is kind of helpful.  Affirmations have always been a friend of mine.  Re-thinking my perspective on the world is an exercise I'm used to.  I've done it through books, classes, mentors, and occasionally peers.  So here is my hope - I do my little devotion thing.  It starts impacting the way I think about things.  I start changing.  I get my God back.  Seems like a solid plan, or at least an attempt.  So far I'm on day 1 of my 41 audacious days.  I'm shooting for interesting dreams and deja vu by day 20.  Is that too much to ask for? I don't know.  40% of Iceland believe in elves.  Stranger things have been known to happen.

Spiritual Not Religious?

Having a lot of time on your hands is dangerous.  I know this first hand.  The last few months have given me way too much time to stew in my juices.  It caused me to over think some things and finally spend some time on others.  Writing basically carried me over the last hill of thought in order for me to reach a few conclusions.  Add a little bit of stewing, and I was finally able to voice some thoughts I've been having but couldn't articulate until now.  It was hard.  It was really hard.

First you should know that pastors are in my family.  People tend to become business people or ministers in my family - those are the top most popular occupations (with farming as a close third thanks to my mom's side). So when I got handed two ministers as parents, it was no wonder that my Christian socialization was deep.  Even though my parents are progressive, my father's enlightenment thinking (sorry Dad, but it's totally true) and my mother's more hooby dooby perspective (only recently discovered), I still somehow was hemmed into the Christian fold.  Even when I was in highschool, desperately wanting to try out and see different religious customs, I was required to be in church every Sunday.  It is the price of being a child of the clergy.  The rule is that pastor's kids are either very good or very bad, there is nothing in between.  I fell in the good category.

It was through a process of rebellious ebb and flow that I some how came to my current spiritual place in time.  Maybe it was the natural progression, from the wild ride of art school, to studying abroad in atheist Central Europe, to finally studying world religions in the religious melting pot of the world - India.  It must have been the result of these things, and the failure of church after church to do what I thought was required.  In the end, the result was a complete disillusionment, and ultimately, a loss of faith. 

For a time I thought God had been stolen from me by someone.  Someone else hadn't done their job.  I wanted someone to defend God, to make it right, to prove something was good about religion.  And the truth is there are some things that are good about religion - the community of Christianity and several other world faiths, the code of ethics that helps people to be better and strive to change the world for their fellow humans, or the kernels of truth that are gleaned by each of the world religions.  The problem is that none of them are all right.  None of them are completely true, and some of the things are down right false.  It's true.  I can't deny it having studied what I have and knowing what I know from the different experiences I've had.

Don't get me wrong.  I believe in God.  And maybe I'll find a religious community that won't mind my heretical thoughts some day.  It would be nice to be with a group of people who want to do good in the world, who have some kind of faith that guides them, who don't give me funny looks when I say some of the things on my mind or talk about the experiences I've had.  That seems to be the best I could possibly hope to find short of starting some new kind of institutionalized wonder (and that has its own set of problems).

All I know for certain, is that something is out there nudging me in some kind of direction, and I have no idea who I will be in five years.  I hope it will be the person I put up on my goal board, but who knows what that person will believe or seek in the world.  I just know I will be different. Knowing and accepting that somehow makes things so much easier.  I recommend it to everyone, regardless of the journey to your current spiritual place.

What Sucks

Since I'm waiting for a few things to come to fruition, my head has been running in a number of different directions.  Mostly it tends towards things on a personal basis, although occasionally I duck out of my microscopic world and dip into that which is wider and greater.

Normally I try to hide for several reasons.  Here they are:

1. I hate the direction the environment is going. Even though we're making small steps in some areas to decrease usage etc, there are more of us using things, which leads me to my second point.
2. I hate the way the population is increasing and how with advances in modern medicine we are only making the problem worse.
3. People are dumb.  I cite any Youtube comment stream anywhere and the fact that Fox news is widely regarded as a legitimate news source.  Now, the problem with making this statement is that I am a person.  How am I to know I am not one of the dumb ones? Everyone thinks they know what the deal is, what is the correct politician, the correct way to be, the right religion.  The whole debate is enough to make me want to nuke someone and frankly I am not the nuking kind.... oh wait.  Yes, yes I am.  See point 2.
4. Every other day I see another thing that is blowing up or breaking down - think Afghanistan or Korean bickering that may deteriorate into all out war at any moment.
5. That's not even to mention the abysmal state of the U.S. where corporations can hijack political parties (read: the whole Tea Party movement) and prevent good laws from being the best they can be. 

Yes, I think that's enough to sufficiently irritate me for one day, what along with my lovely sinus headache I've been courting off and on all overcast day long.  My only hope is that some large and in charge thing will stop it in its tracks and derail the whole bloody mess.  Because it's just too depressing.  I feel like I'm watching another season of Buffy without any of the funny Spike quips or raunchy sex scenes.  The world is ending! GAAAAHHHH! Die stupid xenophobic Fox watchers who are living way too long and using too much crap! DIE!

I mean, uh, I'm going to make some tea.