We Don't Know What We're Doing

Can we all admit we have no idea what we're doing?

I read a ton of articles about pretty much every kind of topic in a day. I read about writing, of course, but mostly I read about everything else.

I read about politicians who play out their boyhood (because they're primarily male) wet dreams in the world stage because they can, not caring who they hurt. I read about non profits trudging on, making a difference in kids' lives while chaos swirls around them. I read about the sordid lives of celebrities. I read about climate change being proven over and over again across the world. I read about the latest style trends. I read about scientific theories and discoveries and arguments over all manner of things. I read about alcohol consumption. I read about art movements and documentary films showcasing all kinds of things from the very disturbing to the utterly mundane.

I've been doing this for several weeks straight, courtesy of the ease of access to such articles through Facebook.

I've even noticed how the viral videos spread - who are early adopters and complete social media addicts while others are slow to find these things (or maybe this is a result of having certain types of friends?).

And my conclusion to all this observation?

We humans have no frickin' clue what we're doing. We're just groping around in the dark.

At first I thought it was just in publishing. I thought my own stumbling path was an isolated incident. I thought my lack of know-how with utilizing social media, my lack of resources to outsource things like editing and artwork was holding me back. I thought if I digested enough material I could figure out something and somehow cobble together the great "Alexis Solution," but I am still searching (Note: I am still holding out hope and when I do discover it, I will absolutely put it into an information product for fun and profit!).

Now I realize it isn't about publishing, but about being human. We grab on to whatever bit of truth or limited fact supports our thoughts and hold on with everything we've got. Sometimes we use correct logic. Sometimes not. Sometimes we get hyper emotional one direction or another. Occasionally this is to our detriment. Other times this makes the world a better place. Always, we stumble forward, trying to make sense of the world around us, about other people, and finally, ourselves.

This lends some truth to the idea, the very ancient idea, that we are each an expression of the Universe housed in our limited bodies. This little piece of the greater whole, reaching out, attempting to experience itself through whatever natural laws will allow. It is play. It is horror. It is glory. It is everything and nothing.

That is the nature of the universe.

Somewhere a Hindu is reading this and thinking, welcome to Brahman and Atman. Somewhere a physicist is reading this and thinking, yes. The consciousness of everyone, dumped back into that great mystery of space.

Maybe they're sitting next to one another. They look up, smile, and shake hands. I imagine the conversation starts something like this:

"Hello, fellow traveler. Tell me about your groping, stumbling, adventure through the dark."

I Am Not A Surgeon But...

I am sure I can correct your heart problem. I haven't had any training, I know nothing about sanitizing surgical tools, or if something goes wrong, but I've seen E.R. I'm sure I can figure it out.

I'm not an electrician, but I'm sure I can install your lights. I mean, I have no idea how wiring works or how to make sure circuits don't overload, but it's just cutting holes in the wall and plugging things in, right?

I'm not a mechanic, but I'm sure I can fix your car. I mean, how hard can it be to swap an exhaust system on a 2013 VW Jetta?

This is what our problem is. We think it doesn't matter that we don't have training. We think as individuals we can do anything. But WE CAN'T. How can you possibly know what the right thing is when you do not have any knowledge of the subject? How can you possibly know what the right thing is when you have no firsthand experience?

Training matters. Knowledge matters. Recognizing that you don't know what the hell you're talking about is important. I'm sorry but I don't want some random person I picked up from a pub working on my teeth. I'm sorry but I don't want some random person who has no understanding of construction building my house. I'm sorry but I do not want someone who does not believe in SCIENCE making decisions ABOUT SCIENCE! I'm sorry but I don't want a man making decisions about WOMEN'S BODIES. I'm sorry but I don't want people who send their kids to private schools making decisions about PUBLIC SCHOOLS. I don't want rich people, who were born rich, making decisions about SOCIAL SAFETY NETS.

That is just stupid. It is just crazy.

Training matters. Knowledge matters. Ask the experts what they think - the people with years of training, specialized skills, and experience. Then make decisions. Doing anything else, and we're no better than monkeys playing "human."

The Allure of a Nerd Mate

Someone is scratching his head. Probably a whole lot of someones.

Most people upon meeting me would think, "No. No way. She's not a nerd." And I'm not, at least, not like many of my close friends are.

I never played Magic. I don't do MMOs (probably because I would end up crashing my computer in the middle of a raid or something causing my team to lose abysmally). I never did table top anything (ick - text-based?! Bleh!). I didn't own a console growing up - of any kind (Jill of the Jungle anyone?).

Instead, I went outside (despite my unfortunate lack of hand-eye coordination). I learned and made art. I tried new things. I learned about music. I played popular games outdoors and indoors. I went swimming. I even liked cars - like, a LOT (not enough for me to get posters mind, but enough to enjoy them as toys).

But here's the secret, I DID read. In fact, taking after my beloved mother, I read OBSCENE amounts. One of the great pleasures of summer was the ability to read until my eyes were bloodshot and scratchy with tiredness.

I also devoured information. I loved learning so much my favorite magazines and books from the library were usually historical or scientific in nature.

And here is where the line blurred for me - I absolutely loved science-fiction and fantasy. If there was magic or myth - I was there. I watched all the super hero shows (never got into comics though, sorry - still, I do love The Dark Knight). If there was a space ship and aliens, I was all about it. I watched all the space shows with my dad growing up. It was like our bonding time. So when I was old enough, my dad and I went to watch action movies (superheros included). My dad and I went and saw everything involving science-fiction together (Star Trek anyone?), because my mom really couldn't be bothered (let's face it, it's not for everyone).

The result? Even though by all accounts, I'm not a nerd, I had a heavy dose of nerd culture. So when Big Bang Theory came out, I got ALL the jokes. Seriously. All of them. Because I know those guys. I know Penny. She's my party friend who I talk to about girl stuff...and I help her navigate the world of the nerd.

Where is this going? Well, here's the thing. Nerd culture has become sort of cool. Yes, everyone doesn't love it, but it has gone mainstream in a way nerds have fantasized about for years (Honestly guys, you know you did - somewhere in the back of your brain. Don't lie.). The result? Nerds are now interesting. It's alright to go cosplay at the comic convention, and well, flaunt it (Incidentally, I'm seriously considering going as Sif one year, assuming baby weight is a non-issue. Christian is totally Thor.).

The openness of flying one's nerd flag high and free has created some interesting dynamics in the dating world, which leaves a whole lot of Pennys wondering what the hell is cee-pee-tree-dough and why Dr. Spock should have pointy ears. Poor Penny. She's left needing to research a whole lot about her prospective date's interests, and often finding herself confused because she just can't get into it.

Except she and I both know, it's worth it. Nerds are funny, silly, and don't care what anyone thinks about their interests. Many of them are absolutely brilliant. They challenge us in ways other people can't. And while some of them have the social adeptness of a rabid opossum, they can be as loyal and loving as a Labrador. Let me tell you, I would take my adorkable nerdtastic husband over a jerky high testosterone jock any day (and I do, :-)).

So, if you find yourself looking across the table at someone who's idea of a good time involves playing Settlers of Cattan followed by a Star Wars movie marathon, hear him out. He might be the Leonard to your Penny. And I will help you get through that awkward phase of learning the differences between trek and wars, comics and movies, science and spirituality, video and board. I promise. It can be done. And it has.

Raising Boys v. Girls: It's All About The Hormones

I've been doing a TON of research (and when I'm not blogging on my phone I'll share it with you). I've been researching because of something my midwife said about the first few moments after birth.

She said it was the only time you could think of your child as just a person, without any gendered identification.

Initially I agreed with her. I've always been a big proponent of gender equality (and I mean gender). I want to raise boys or girls the same - to feel like they have options beyond what people associate with a penis or a vagina. I want children to know they can do anything they choose.

The problem is, mothers and babies already start to have a relationship long before the baby is born. Hormones are already telling the mother's body what will be. Hormones decided long before the baby could hear or see what it was going to be - in some cases, even before the baby was a sparkle in his or her parents' eyes.

We are, unfortunately for the thinkers among us, slaves to our hormones. Before birth, our gender identity has already been determined (and I say gender here on purpose). Our hormone levels are determined, which leads us to certain sets of choices and it's measurable - in your ring finger. Depending on how long your ring finger is compared to your index finger, scientists can tell how likely a person is going to have certain traits associated with estrogen or testosterone. These traits extend from physical things like muscle mass, to learning disabilities, and personality traits (I'll link a bunch of articles about this from my lappy later I promise!).

So...unless you believe souls choose their parents, you are not the captain of your fate... Not completely. This jury's rigged.

But what about the role of mothers? We're just as ensorceled by hormones as our fresh pink babes! Before they thought parents treated boy and girl babies differently because of cultural expectations (gender roles etc). Now they know it has to do with hormones. Women are just as responsible for choosing the sex of their baby as male sperm are for confirming it. Eggs are predisposed to X or Y based on the mother's hormone levels.

And guess what? Women with higher testosterone *tend* to have boys. Women with higher estrogen *tend* to have girls. This is because testosterone and estrogen are linked to personality traits - ways of being. Higher T makes you take initiative, more risks, and generally be more assertive. Higher E makes you more cautious, responsive and empathetic.  Women with higher T are better mothers to boys because they understand them better. Their personalities match. Likewise the opposite is true about high E women with girls.

Could you imagine the DISASTER that would happen if a woman with really high E levels tried to raise a son? Or the opposite? It wouldn't really work - not for the extreme ends of the spectrum.

As soon as babies pop out, mothers have already subconsciously started responding to their babies in certain ways, ways of which they are completely unaware. It just doesn't matter if you know the sex or not. All that gender stuff is predetermined.

Thanks hormones!

So where does that leave us progressively-minded ladies who want our children to feel more equal? Well, we do have some control. We can make our children feel more or less powerful. We can tell them they have more or less opportunities. We can tell them they have to stay in a narrow box or we can let them honor their preferences, skills, and talents.

All this is to say, finding out the sex doesn't seem to matter one way or another. Our bodies already know. Things are already in motion. It's a preference. And maybe it's related to not wanting monster truck onsies or frilly purple tutus as opposed to how we'll look at or hold our babies.

P.S. I really don't like monster trucks or frilly tutus. Let's keep it to yellow duckies and kelly green frogs shall we?

The Gross Smells We Love

The first time I realized that enjoyment of scents was subjective, I was maybe in junior high visiting my grandmother and my cousins were around.  One of my cousins took a deep breath of the rural farm air and sighed.

"What?"
"I love that smell!"
"What? You mean fertilizer?!"
"Yeah, it reminds me of home."

At the time I thought she was insane.  How could someone think cow manure smelled great? That's ridiculous! It's poop! Poop smells bad!  But it isn't just her and it isn't just cow manure.  It's the smell of the New York subway - which stinks to high heaven - but to someone, it's familiar and has good associations.  For me, it's the slough by Goleta Beach.  The smell of rotting fish - and whatever else is stewing in there - is something I associate with summer outings, picnics, friends, and family. Likewise, certain sweet smells, like Frebreeze, make me think of yucky experiences I've had (which I will mercifully neglect to share here).

Smell memory is a huge deal.  The smell of a lover, a place, a food your mother made, or even your family pet - just think of it and you can almost smell it as if the thing were right in front of you.  You can see the memory as if it had happened just yesterday.  And when you smell it next in real life, it only serves to add your present experience to all those you previously associated with the smell.  It's no wonder that strong smells have an even stronger pull.  So if the smell is more pungent, it's going to have a stronger effect right? Then the horrible smell of cow poop should have some pretty strong associations to go with it, right? Well I'm not sure that's exactly how it works.  But with a smell that is impossible to ignore, there is no question it would have a memory association. 

So the next time you smell something you think stinks, remember.  That smell might remind someone else of something really wonderful.  You never know. 

Dirt Does a Body Good - The Hygiene Hypothesis

Open your bag that sits beside you.  If you're like my mom, me, or countless other Americans, you probably have hand sanitizer sitting there.  And guess what? That might be why you're sneezing this spring.

When I was young, I really didn't have a lot of contact with animals or with other kids.  My mother was fastidious about keeping our house not only tidy, but clean.  Dust seems to offend my mother, so it just has never been present.  Seeing as I didn't have my brother to contribute to mess-making until I was much older, I lived a fairly sanitized life.

My husband on the other hand did not.  He had two older sisters, one younger, and all of them were active.  Add a large water dog to the mix and suddenly you have a recipe for beach sand scrubs, creek muck body masks, and tons of exposure to various pathogens and allergens.  Needless to say, the lucky bastard doesn't have any allergies.  But I do - they're mostly mild, but still I have them. 

Allergies don't really run in my family.  Neither of my parents have allergies to anything airborne or eaten.  My mother grew up in the country and my dad grew up in a smoky city.  Apparently, that's the reason why.  There is increasing evidence suggesting exposure to dirt keeps you from being allergic to things.    Children exposed to farm animals and pets in their first year of life tend to have fewer allergies than those who are not exposed. So the moral of the story, let your kid eat dirt. Let them put things in their mouths that are not meant to be in mouths. 

Unfortunately this trick won't help those of us who already HAVE allergies.  We have to suck it up and deal as best we can.  I for one, will be taking hot showers, downing decongestant, and if I could find my neti pot, I'd do regular nasal rinses. I suggest you do the same... *sniff.* 

Good Genes - There's No Substitute

You know how when you're little people will tell you that you can do whatever you want, be whoever you want to be? They lied.  Remember how people told you we're all equal? They lied about that too.  There is one thing, beyond wealth and social standing - other things that you have only a modicum of control over - that determines more about your experience on this world than any other.  Genes.  Your genetics are key.  I know this more than ever after my dentist appointment today.

I'm almost 30.  I've NEVER had a cavity.  I have no bone loss in my mouth.  My teeth have always been straight.  It's true that I had surgery to correct TMJ.  I also had my wisdom teeth removed. Still, I feel like I got the better end of the bargain as far as quality of life goes. 

Healthy teeth are a marker.  They are a visual cue to overall health.  Whenever people talk about attractiveness, health markers are key.  Symmetry, healthy skin, straight white teeth, bright eyes, thick shiny hair, and a well proportioned medium frame are ideal.  When you have all of these things, you've hit the genetic lottery.  There are few people that have the ideal of all of these things, and it is more likely that you will find people who are using modern medicine to lie about their markers.  I am thinking of teeth whitening, Botox, and of course, plastic surgery. 

The thing is, people always know.  You can't hide your age or your health.  It comes through.  It's clear when someone's breasts are too big for their frame, their face doesn't match their elbows' wrinkles, or their teeth glow in the dark. You simply can't lie, at least, not to anyone who is worth impressing.  It's better to just be yourself and use your charms to your advantage.  There is something elegant and lovely about a person who embraces themselves for who they are. 

So, do I hate that I break out with any environmental change? Yes.  Totally.  Do I love that my mother gave me some amazing genes that express themselves in crucial health markers? Yes, ABSOLUTELY.  Love you Mom!

Conservative Quirks - Poking Fun at My Difference

I really need to go to sleep because tomorrow morning I get to pick up Christian, but I was reading something and it stirred a few fires so I'll share my thoughts with you and forgo some sleep.

I am a fairly progressive person when it comes to most issues, at least my views when averaged would fall on the left-hand side of the political and cultural scale.  However, there are somethings that I think, feel, and I would say know which apparently are more conservative.

For example, giving children structure or boundaries is apparently a conservative view.  I think you'd have to be from an alien planet not to set boundaries for children, but maybe that just shows how oblivious I am to alternative perspectives on this issue.

Likewise, I favor intelligent design as a theory for how we have come to exist.  This might surprise some people, but then again, I would argue they haven't fully examined the flaws in Darwinian argument. This doesn't mean I don't think evolution has happened, of course it has, it's just a little more complicated than Darwinists would have you believe.

These are just a couple of the things that come to mind that make me a little more complex than just a blanket progressive.  To add to this list, I think that some people should not go to college (i.e. it's not right for everyone), you shouldn't swear in front of children, and that cosmopolitanism is bunk.

It's the last one that I need to explain.  We live in a world with all kinds of people that have all kinds of philosophies, skin colors, eye colors, sexualities, marriage customs, and music preferences.  Necessarily we will disagree, and sometimes fundamentally so.  Difference is a part of life, but I don't think we can say that all difference is good.  I think that anyone who says it is, hasn't really thought about the issue in much depth. 

I'm not saying that we should become automatons, in fact, I would hate that.  Difference is what makes us move and grow and create beautiful innovation.  I think however, that ignoring difference, or ignoring the real state of where things are is a disservice.  Let me give you an example.  I am white.  Until the age of 12 I went to a predominantly white middle-class elementary school.  When I went to junior high, I became the minority.  I experienced acute culture shock without having any idea what was happening or why I was responding the way I was (think: coming home crying every afternoon for two months straight).  Eventually I became accustomed to this different way of interacting in the world, and by the end of junior high, I felt comfortable in it.  Even with this experience, and many cultural exchanges since, I am still a little white girl.  I will never be able to change that.  It is part of who I am and distinguishes me from other people.  Is everything about middle-class white America brilliant and wonderful? No, absolutely not.  Still, it is part of who I am and I enjoy poking fun at it as well as my speedy absorption of vitamin D.

So what is the point to this discussion? We know that Alexis is not exactly one thing or the other, so what? We also know that I think pluralism (think: there are some absolutes) is better than cosmopolitanism (think: completely wishy-washy) and that political correctness is silly.  So where does that take us now? I personally suggest to make fun of yourself.  Make fun of whatever you happen to be in a positive and silly way.  It's fine to be different and it's fine that you might not agree with someone else's opinion.  I will accept my personal responsibility to eat a whole lot of aged cheese, tea, and toast in the next 48 hours.  Hail Britannia? Land that my genes...come from?

Science of Healing - Secrets We Already Know

I am a visual person.  I respond to things that are beautiful, bright colors, and or have interesting shapes.  Likewise, I feel things strongly.  So it follows that visual cues strongly affect me.  It makes sense then that visual spaces could stress me out or make me feel at peace with the world.

As I've been dealing with stress and trying to figure out who I am and what I want, I've noticed that I prefer living in places that are rich in natural beauty.  This natural beauty can come in lots of combinations - forests, mountains, oceans, lakes.  It could be a New England fall or Coastal Spring. I need to be around these types of places because of how it makes me feel.  It made even more sense after I watched "The Science of Healing with Dr. Esther Sternberg." 

It seems that beautiful places, pleasing smells, relaxing, listening to good music, and regular exercise are all ideal things for maintaining good health.  Who knew? How long have people been hiding this miracle of preventative health?! Why did they keep this from us!?

Of course, these are things that either we have learned because various experts have come around and told us so, or they are things we knew intuitively, or from our own experience.  Still, sometimes it's good to have someone put things together in a persuasive way, complete with supportive evidence for these things we know intuitively, but find difficult to articulate or explain.  I had made connections with exercise and beauty, and even to a certain extent music (seeing as I have been singing since I was 13).  The idea that these things could really lead to a holistic health was just the next logical step. 

The moral of the story, make time everyday to do something physical.  Play some good music while you're doing everyday tasks (cooking, cleaning, whatever).  Buy some essential oils to facilitate relaxation.  Spend some time looking at something beautiful.  I think I'll go now to take my own advice...

We Live in The Future

I'm going to reveal a new level of dorkiness to you.  Be prepared! Though after the elaboration of my paranormal vice, I doubt this will astonish you in the least.

One of Christian and my favorite phrases ever is "We live in the future!!!"  When Obama was elected to the presidency, we shouted that phrase giddy with post-election glory.  See, most movies taking place in the future have a president of another gender or color than 'white man.'

When we first got our G1s we made that comment. We had the power to search anything and everything in our denim butt pocket thanks to our Google overlords' re-imagining of personal communication devices.

Then of course, you have the amazing machine that converts plastic back into oil.  That solves about 80 billion problems right there!  Let's go harvest the bag monstrosity in the middle of the ocean and get us some car moving fuel!  Maybe even something that could somehow magically fix my car... the possibilities are endless!

So it came as no surprise that both Christian and I were blown away by a new amazing invention.  Having watched all the Star Wars movies and most of the Star Trek movies as well as shows, there is a certain allure to space travel and all the associated gear.  Well ladies and gentlemen, we now have TRACTOR BEAMS!! WOOHOO!! Okay they don't work in space, and they can only move very small objects several meters but STILL! Again, the possibilities, endless!

We live in a time where the sci-fi writings of the mid-20th century have or are becoming a reality.  The more we imagine, the more we dream, the more possibilities exist.  Hell, even the 3D TVs from Sony are kinda cool, despite the fact it makes me think I would be doing a time warp to 1985 in my living room.  Who cares? Screw polarized lens. RED AND BLUE GLASSES FOREVER!

Part of me thinks these things are absolutely amazing, and simultaneously I wonder what direction they will necessarily force our world to take.  I think of the changes in language the best example showing this in a song by Daft Punk.  When your words change, so does your way of thinking, your reality, your experience.  Part of me wants to hole myself up in a small stone cottage on a windy green isle off the coast of Ireland while the world fast forwards around me.  The other part wants to be in the middle of it, and in some ways I already am.  After all, I do live next door to Silicon Valley.