It came on slowly. First it was the bed of my fingernails. Then it was my face. After that came the apartment. Finally my writing became affected. Boredom. I am so bored.
I'm suffering from boredom due to logic. You see, I want to do certain things, but I feel like there is no point in starting something in a place I fully intend to leave. I don't know exactly where I'll end up or when, but I sincerely doubt that I will continue to live in Hayward. This is not to say that I will necessarily live out of state or country, I could just move to a slightly different apartment on the other side of the mountains. Still, I don't want to commit myself to a community without knowing my next step. And I really want to commit myself to a place. I want to start a few different businesses... but how can you start a business that requires premises when you may leave a place altogether? There is no point.
I could volunteer somewhere, except that I would learn just enough to know what I was doing before leaving the place. It seems wrong to use a non-profit's funding for training of volunteers when I don't know whether or not I will be able to help them for any length of time.
Thus, my stagnation persists. Now it has resulted in my lack of writing. Because I am waiting, doing a lot of nothing, I have lost a lot of motivation to write. You need inspiration. You need some kind of energy input in order to have a written output, and I have little of each. So what to do? What to do? Get myself out there... to do... what exactly? When? Where?
Mostly I just want to get to the next step. It's a problem of mine, perpetually looking to the future instead of the present. I know it's a bad habit, but when you want more, when you need more out of life, how can you not? How can you not keep looking at what can be? What should be? How can you not make plans and at least attempt to execute them? I think of my overly ambitious professional goals for 2011 and how so far they have been a bit of a failure. Still, I spent 10 hours researching journals, magazines, and agents this past weekend. That is something. So maybe I'm not entirely stagnant, just mostly. I'm a little pool of water, and a breeze blows over me every once in a while, but eventually, the edge holding me in, will break and I'll tumble towards the sea. I cannot wait for that day.