Sunday, March 10, 2013

Cluttered - Rediscovering Myself Through Mess

Maybe it's hormones. I'm not sure. Whatever it is, by the end of the day today I became incredibly frustrated.

I think this is mostly because of clutter.

Clutter comes in so many forms: emotions, thoughts, objects, finances, and the list could go on. Some types of clutter lead to others. For example, having emotional clutter could lead to a cluttered living environment, which could increase your emotional clutter which could...well, you get the idea.

It's a mess.

For almost a year now I have lived in a semi-cluttered state. There is the fact that we didn't think we'd stay in the loft,  which led to a lack of thoughtful storage solutions. On our second floor there is a whole section that is basically a pile of stuff, somewhat organized, but a pile nonetheless. I look at that pile and it drives me crazy.

On the first floor, Christian has a tendency to leave half-finished projects, jackets, and shoes everywhere. As much as I try to reinforce where things go in our minute storage, he doesn't seem to feel the need to put things away.

Of course Christian isn't home much. He leaves for work around 8 am and doesn't come home until around 7 pm. The days he has off are frequently spent doing errands or the limited fun things we are able to afford after buying pregnancy snacks (which requires a separate post).

Needless to say, our living space while affecting him doesn't damage *his* psyche the same way it does mine.

The physical clutter has become unbearable to me. I truly feel it is impacting my mental and emotional health.

While I know my pregnancy hormones have contributed to a general listlessness and fatigue, I feel it has been exacerbated by my environment. For the past 3 months I've been powerless to do much about this because of my lack of energy and all day nausea/vomiting. Now my energy is returning with almost a manic fury.

Just today I weeded our tiny plot in front of our apartment, cleaned the toaster oven, microwave, kitchen counters, table top, and range. This was in addition to taking public transit to Walnut Creek for church, meeting a family friend, going out to lunch, riding public transit home, and walking to the auto parts store (Keep in mind taking the train from our place requires walking about 6 blocks to and from the station.).

Yes, I took a nap - but only one!

Already I'm starting to address the problem of clutter in small ways, but it's not enough. I want more.

That's really my biggest problem. Actually, it's the problem that probably annoys and excites Christian the most. I always want more.

This appetite has been dormant for some time. My motivation had largely disappeared. It has been this way for years. I was infinitely more powerful before we got married because my ambition and drive was so intense.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. He compliments me in many, many ways.

However when you get married you have to figure out how you fit together. It takes time to adjust and find out where all your pieces can work well. I honestly think it took me this long to figure it all out.

I'm annoyed by the wait, but I'm glad it's over. I have things to do and not much time to do them. When the baby comes there will be a new adjustment period and I need to have my other ducks in a row to feel good. This means tackling the space under the stairs and the pile in the upstairs corner. It means figuring out a way to organize under our sink and getting rid of those antiquated political books I'm never going to read again.

And then?

Meditation. Goal-setting. Lists. Visualization. I once knew how get whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. It's time to use this power once again. The waiting is over. I've got 6 months to build my inertia before I'm monkey wrenched for a while.

The clutter MUST be destroyed.

No comments:

Post a Comment