Saturday, March 23, 2013

When Is It "Real"?

I still don't believe it.

It doesn't matter how many times I vomit, or how often I have to eat, or snap at Christian, or cry over the most inane things.

I still don't really feel pregnant.

I'm 16 weeks, heard the heartbeat, seen the ultrasound and it feels more like a dream or a production than reality. Even when Christian reminds me constantly "It's because you're pregnant!!" I almost want to snap back, "No! Liar!!"

Of course I *know* I'm pregnant. I know in my head that's what's going on and I'm not just an emotional eater gaining a bunch of belly weight. I know the vomit isn't some eating disorder or strange disease.

Okay, maybe it is a strange condition...

But seriously...I'm not sure when it will become truly real for me. There are moments that seem real, but the vast majority feel like a strange dream I'm trying not to forget.

I wonder if in the next few weeks movement will make the difference. Maybe a giant full belly and a waddle will bring it home. It could even be labor...but maybe not. Maybe the whole thing won't sink in until I've got a little person laying on my chest, gray-eyed, and wondering why they had to leave that wonderful womb warmth.

Yeah. I'm going with that one.

Man pregnancy is weird! ...or it could just be me...

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