How My Students Made Pregnant Me Cry

They did it. They finally did it.

My students made me cry.

Now, I will freely admit I am an emotional person even when I'm not pregnant. I feel things very deeply (and my feelings have the unfortunate ability to affect things around me, such as breaking appliances). When I'm excited, I'm really excited, and when I'm freaked, I'm really freaked - at least for a little while. Then I can usually come back to a calm equilibrium in about 5 minutes and get on with life.

Well, pregnancy doesn't really let me do that. While sometimes I can cry or laugh or snap for no reason, and go back to being normal in a second (like, literally - switch emotions on a dime), other times I can't shake my emotional state. It keeps looming, making it difficult to function. This can be so intense that I will end up sobbing and weeping for hours.

Of course, it's always made worse when I can't let my emotions out completely. So you can imagine how bad today was. Not only were my students acting out by standing up and not working on their projects, but they were also LOUDLY complaining (complaining about having to stay in art, complaining about the project, complaining that it was hard - and all VERY loudly and obviously).

The class in question is probably my worst behaviorally. This is a little surprising because I have a lot of students who are really excellent in it. They really are. And they suffer every class because the other half of the students just don't want to listen or to help. Their good behavior just isn't enough to outweigh and influence those who are displaying bad behavior.

Well, after trying to get through origami instructions for a cool project (jumping frogs! They're fun! They jump! Everyone who has made them has loved them!), I snapped. I had to stop probably 10 times to get them to stop talking (half of which was loud and obvious complaining) and I was done. I almost lost it in class because I was so upset. In the end, I let them have recess because I didn't want to be around them any more. I wasn't sure what I would do, or what I *should* do (i.e. who I should call to deal with them for me while I hid in the bathroom). But I also didn't want to break down at work because I didn't want to have to leave with blotchy skin and tear tracks down my cheeks.

Well, I did end up crying a little outside during recess. Then I cried a little more when I told my supervisor about the misbehavior and what we should do about it. In the end, I know we'll come up with a solution (already have an idea of what will happen).

The thing is, I couldn't stop crying.

I kept crying. Once I got in the car, I couldn't stop. It just kept coming. Luckily when a toddler ran out into the street outside the school, I had the presence of mind to stop well before he crossed in front of my car. But once I got onto the main drag, I don't think I would have been as aware. I was barely registering the color of the traffic lights. I stopped crying enough to get out of my car when I got home. Then once inside, I started sobbing again. I sobbed as I got my snack. I sobbed as I filled up my water bottle. I sobbed while I was putting away dirty dishes.

I was so upset, I was just short of throwing up. I actually wretched several times.

This is not my normal reaction to misbehaving students - at least not with this level of misbehavior (someone would have to make me feel REALLY badly about myself before I would cry this much). Yes, this class is a repeat offender, but it's only 2 hours of my week. I can generally deal with herding cats for 2 hours of each week. It's not that bad. Really.

Except I'm pregnant.

And today just happened to be a crazy hormone surge - or something. For whatever reason, my emotions were just really intense today. It could have been anything that set me off. I know this because after watching Brave this past week (twice!), I cried horribly when the main character was trying to save her mom. Like really crying. In fact I couldn't stop crying. So it wasn't that I blame my students (although I do want them to follow instructions). I don't. My reaction was from the fact that cannot control my emotional reactions the same way as before I was pregnant. And I don't know when I'll have extreme reactions or not. I just know that they happen and there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm hoping in the last few weeks of the program these kids won't give me so much grief, but I know this is probably wishful thinking. So, if I feel an intense reaction coming on, I guess I'll just have to call in reinforcements. Here's hoping that works.

Stop With The Unsolicited Baby Advice!

Pregnancy and parenthood are two things everyone feels is everyone's business. And maybe on the extreme ends of the spectrum that's true. When a person is obviously beating their kid, yeah, it's our business. When a person is smothering their kid to death or spoiling them rotten, yeah, it's probably our business. After all, we have to deal with the consequences of those kinds of choices as a society. Morally in the worst parenting situations we need to step in.

But what about those choices that are a little less societal? What about those micro choices? What about those choices that above all impact the chooser rather than everyone else? Do we have the right to swoop in and offer ridiculous amounts of advice just because something worked for us with one or two kids in our particular context?

That's some bullshit.

Just like every pregnancy is different, and every birth is different, so is every parent. Every family is different because the combination of people involved is unique. Yes, the extremes are of concern. Yes there are generalities we can make (like how eating balanced food and exercise are generally good for everyone - duh! Of course!). HOWEVER, I am not foolhardy enough to go in and say I know what is best for my neighbor. I don't know their kid. I don't know their parenting style. I don't know how they approach conflict or what they value or what their love languages are. How the hell can I come in and give unsolicited advice and think it will be useful, let alone welcome?!

So, let's make sure everyone gets one thing straight: I'm going to do what I'm going to do. I've already made my decisions about what I can do and what I will not do when it comes to pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting. These choices are based on several things:

1. Personal preference as it relates to communication, life expectations, personal experience, and values.
2. Research and conclusions by experts in various fields (which believe it or not, includes childbirth, baby gear, sleep training, breastfeeding, and diapering not to mention half a dozen other things!).
3. Finances - which will be more limited as I will be staying at home rather than working outside the house.
4. Space - which again is limited because we currently live in a loft apartment.

So, if you have similar preferences to mine AND experience with a tight budget AND having a baby in a small apartment, then yes I want to hear from you. But if you're living in a 5 bedroom house with a 2 car garage, a maid, and over $200k annually, then please - SHUT UP!

Let's get another thing straight: yes I may be a first time mom. Yes I know I don't know everything that will happen or how every single minute of every day of parenthood will be. That said, I've read about all kinds of things. I've done my research, reading experts and studies. I've seen documentaries. I've visited non-profit sites with all kinds of information about all kinds of things. Add to this the fantastic role models I've had (yay Mom and Dad!), and I feel like I'm as prepared as I can possibly be in the developing world.

My kid will be just fine. Yep. Pretty sure about that.

Keep in mind, I've planned for this. This wasn't accidental. I know I'm in for a ride. I know this is life-changing. I'm prepared for that to happen. I've done it before in different ways. I can do this. This is MY party. It's MY experience. Let me have it. If I need help, believe me, I'll ask. I'm not shy. But please, just wait for me to ask!

Pregnancy Annoyances: Touching Toes

There are some parts of me I can no longer see, but there are more that I can't touch.

I am speaking particularly of my legs and toes. Until I couldn't reach these places I didn't realize how important it was for me to get down there! I can't easily shave. I can't easily moisturize. Painting my toenails is impossible. Forget bending at the waist to fill the cat dish, pick up the bath mat, or grab a spare bit of art material off the floor.

This is because I can't smoosh my belly. I can't even slouch without having problems. If I squish the kiddo bad things happen, namely I can't breathe and feel like I'm going to hurl. Yeah, it's not good. Soooo what's a preggo lady to do? Well, if she's like me, she gets her husband to do it for her.

Yes, suddenly Christian is drafted to do all kinds of things which makes me feel pretty strange and completely dependent.  I feel like I've regressed to the age of 2 every time I have to ask him to do something I physically cannot do. I need to ask someone else to help me do basic things...which doesn't make sense to me because I'm 30...but I'm pregnant...which is considered to be disabled. Yes it is. Temporarily disabled. And the reason is because I can't touch my toes by bending at the waist. And if I tried to squat to touch my toes or pick something up, I'm still going to need help. Of course instead of picking up the random thing, I'll be the thing being picked up off the floor.

Seriously.

Pregnancy Annoyances: Movie Theaters

This year is full of blockbuster nerdgasms and it's a problem. Most of these movies fall into my "big screen" category. This means I'm going to be frequenting the local theater on $5 days around at least once a month.

Sigh.

For the rest of the time I'm pregnant, that's going to suck (I'm not sure how it's going to work with a baby, but we'll get there.). Let me explain in no uncertain terms why movie theaters are horrible for pregnant ladies.

Being pregnant means you have to keep everything in balance. As soon as you start to get out of balance, you get upset. When they're really out of whack, the world ends.

You have to drink enough fluids to stay hydrated. If you do however, you will have to pee in the middle of the movie. This requires you to sit in the handicap spot or the end of a row, so you can get up easily, which means you have to arrive ridiculously early. Otherwise you will have to go over people. Your balance is off so going over people in the dark is a really bad idea because you are likely going to trip and fall. On the other hand,  if you don't drink enough your mouth will get dry, you'll get a headache, and you may feel faint by the end of the film.

If you're like me, you don't feel comfortable jockeying for the arm rest shared by a stranger. But of course, if you don't do that, half your body will be stiff and uncomfortable because you won't have been shifting enough to keep your joints under even amounts of pressure for 2 hours.

The best time to go to a movie is immediately after eating. If you don't, then all the other patrons munching away on junk will not only be distracting, but downright torturous. By the end of the film you'll have heartburn from too much acid and no food in your stomach. You'll be so cranky you're hangry (angry because you're hungry) that you'll snap at your spouse over tiny things and not necessarily understand why.

Your discomfort, in short, is so intense it will be difficult to enjoy the movie and you will have to have a plan to address your concerns immediately upon exiting the theater.

Phew. World ending.

And I have at least until September of this. Damn you Hollywood for putting out a bunch of things I actually want to see in theaters!!

I guess I'll just have to wait until movies have been out for months. That way I can sit with at least one seat empty beside me or in the handicap spot. It'll take care of at least a few of my movie theater issues. Sigh.

Pregnancy Annoyances: Heartburn

Today it has been bad - well, worse than bad. I've had two periods of time today where my chest felt like it was being eaten from the inside by white-hot flame. Yes, I have the worst case of heartburn ever. EVAR!

I'm hungry almost all the time. I have to eat, so I do. When I eat, I get heartburn. If I recline at all, the heartburn is worse. Mind you, I'm not talking about laying down, I'm talking about leaning, at like a 75 degree angle. It doesn't matter. There's so much acid in my stomach it comes right up, burning holes along the way. Bleh.

The only things that mildly help are dairy substances (milk, yogurt, ice cream etc) or antacid tabs (which I pop like candy). Unfortunately it only takes a few hours before the heartburn is back with a vengeance, tearing up my chest and throat.

Apparently I can thank progesterone for this - so thanks Big P! You're awesome and I hate you! :-D

The thing that comforts me when I'm suffering through the ridiculous pain is the thought that I might get a full head of hair on the kiddo at the end. Apparently women who have heartburn during pregnancy are more likely to have a baby with a full head of hair. I like the idea of crazy spiky hair on my newborn. I think kiddo will look awesome. Though honestly, by the time I'm holding my new baby, I doubt I'm going to be thinking about how much heartburn I suffered during my pregnancy, or how annoyed I am that kiddo has peach fuzz for hair despite my days and days of chest pain from gastric juices.

I'll thank oxytocin for that one (seriously - that stuff is amazing! Thank God for that!).

Pregnancy Annoyances: Mood Swings

Probably after the the range of emotions from this past weekend, anyone would be freaking out, but for me everything is a thousand times worse.

So after the full impact of my hopes and fears about having more than enough money to live on by working from home hit me, I sobbed to the point of hyperventilating. Christian, good man that he is, rubbed my back and reassured me that we would be fine.

Probably we will be.

But I can't fully put my fears away, or at least I haven't been able to.

Then again, I also cry from indecision relating to too many maternity shirt choices. I've snapped at Christian when our shoes weren't in the shoe bench. I've yelled about my ice water being in the wrong water bottle. I've cried so hard I laughed hysterically and then cried again.

Anything can set me off if I'm not careful. I feel like I'm a walking emotional mine. There are moments I don't know what will happen, or I'll be going along completely fine when all of a sudden something strikes some part of me setting me down a spirling whirlwind of emotion.

And then, just like that, I'm back to normal.

Pregnancy hormones are rough. Sheesh.

Pregnancy Annoyances: Inconsideration

This morning I decided I would go for a walk on the beach. It was cool enough for me to not melt, and my midwives like it when I'm active (good for the baby, placenta size, and preventing anemia - or so they tell me).

So I drove over to the Alameda shore. I parked. I crossed the street without incident. I happily enjoyed the fact that few people were on the sand just yet. The beach itself was short this morning as the tide was in, but while I noted it, it caused me little concern. The water was smooth - perfect for the rowers who were already over halfway through their morning practice at least 100 yards out.

As I walked along the water edge of the public shoreline, I came upon a group of people. There were probably at least 40. They were setting up blankets and towels that covered the entire width of the sand (up to the wooden fencing that protects the plants between the shore and the sidewalk). I noticed they had some tiki torches stuck in the ground and quickly looked around the crowd. Was it a wedding? Some kind of service? No one was dressed up. There were no photographers that I could see. Maybe it was some kind of camp thing - there did seem to be some kids.

Without much concern, I continued walking. When I reached my limit, I stopped, looked out at the water and saved the sight. The haze was just right - just enough to obscure the wretchedness of over-habitation on the peninsula across the bay. It reminded me of a morning I experienced at Lake Ohrid in Macedonia. Satisfied with the sight, I turned and walked back, rewinding the people I had passed and subtle landmarks that shorelines have...all the way until I reached that crowd.

I saw there were people trying to dance in the water. They weren't synchronized. They were making many mistakes. They were talking as they danced. There were several of these groups. It must be a camp. The people on the shore were half watching half talking. I was about 10 feet away from one of the tiki torches before a man came up to me.

"We're having a spiritual ceremony."
"Okay."
"We're asking people to walk around." I glanced at the crowd and looked back at this man in confused irritation. The attendees were all the way up to the fence.
"Where?"
"Along the perimeter."
"Right."

I wanted to shout at him, "Are you effing kidding me?! There's no place to walk?! You tell me this here, when I'm right at the edge, instead of having a sign or something?! You let your congregation take up the entire width of the public beach and you're asking us to walk around the perimeter?! In the sharp dune grass?!" I didn't think I needed to say, "Oh and by the way, I'm pregnant."

This is what I would have said if I was feeling more saucy, but I was tired by my walk and so I grumbled grouchily up the inclined sand to the very edge and tried to pick my way along the fence, which soon became impossible because of the blankets and towels people had laid along the fence.

Eventually a dude bro saw me and called, "Oh, you don't have to walk just there. It's nice of you, but just come here." He pointed to an open bit of sand that struck right through the crowd. Needless to say, I never would have done that at a church service, so why would I do that to whatever spiritual gathering this other group was having?

I was so upset I started crying on the beach as I cleared the crowd. If they wanted people to walk around them, there should have been some kind of signage. There should have been a clear space around the group. The congregation themselves shouldn't have packed their towels and blankets ALL the way up against the fence.

The moral of this story? People are inconsiderate. Or maybe thoughtless. Or both.

This was just the latest example in a series of inconsiderate incidences. Any time someone disobeys traffic laws, thinking rules don't apply to them, causing other people to take evasive action (or even when that doesn't happen!), it is at the very least inconsiderate. Any time someone forgets to flush the toilet, or put something back where they found it, it is inconsiderate. Any time someone messes up or destroys something just for the sake of it, it is inconsiderate.

This lack of consideration, of thoughtfulness, disturbs me. I called it an annoyance, and specifically a pregnant one, but it is neither of those things. It is all the time disrespectful, discourteous, and uncivil.

And perhaps I'm being old-fashioned when I say these words. Perhaps I'm being hormonal. But the fact of the matter is, I do not trust our society or many parents to teach these behaviors to children. And let's be clear - the next person who behaves in such an inconsiderate way, is going to be schooled. Severely.

You've been warned. :-)

Have a nice day!