SWC: Modifying Publishing Goals

I'm a bit embarrassed about how unproductive I've been thus far this week. Through a combination of appointments, meetings, exhaustion, heat, and a new supplement with a sedating effect, my schedule has been completely trashed.

Fortunately my resolve wasn't trashed along with productivity. If anything my resolve and motivation has been strengthened over the past few days. Through conversations with friends, blogging across my different blogs, and a great deal of introspection, I am even more committed to my plan than before, though I realize there will be some modifications.


It's become clear the blog tours aren't going to happen during the summer, though I wanted them to. Instead, I'm going to focus on press releases and giveaways. I may have some guest posts going at various blogs, but it seems the tours themselves may have to wait until after the baby, or possibly get scraped all together.

Print formatting is something I need to do for all my books. Even though every holiday brings more purchases of ereaders and various tablets, many people still prefer print books. Unfortunately formatting for print is the thing I procrastinate the most (typically I want to shoot myself in the face about an hour into actually doing it). That means I need Christian to at least be hanging around pushing me to get it done. This is a new lesson I learned about myself, but thankfully I now know what I need in order to get this part of goal done (and hopefully reach new readers).

I have three books I'm interested in finishing writing & publishing for my summer challenge. I've chosen to focus on these rather than other projects (the two non-fiction books that only have vague ties to my current focus areas). Two of these should be quick, even with some minor research (pregnancy related). The third is a fiction piece that has ties to my interests in religion (and has a fantastic first chapter that will get you seriously hooked if I do say so myself).

I realize working on these last three projects may push me a little against the wire, especially if I have more weeks like this one. However, tomorrow is a new day, full with possibilities. I can only do what I can do, and I can't berate myself for things outside of my control.

With that in mind, There are 3 focus areas I have for this next week:

• Print formatting completed for finished books along with covers etc. (bleh!)
• Writing the last three books
• Press releases for the finished books

 If I can get these things done this week I will be incredibly proud of myself and will feel a lot more secure about moving forward. Cross your fingers for me and I'll keep you updated!

Full Stop - A Mandatory Break

Last week was rough. This past weekend was rough. Now today...

I slept until 1:30. I couldn't help it. Okay, I woke up with the sun and did a few things, but then I went right back to sleep. I woke up again at 11:30 and tried to do a few things like use the bathroom and drink some water. Even doing basic tasks like that, I was falling asleep. I think the only reason I woke up at 1:30 and finally got out of bed was because it was so hot on my second floor I couldn't handle it any more. Otherwise, I might have slept until Christian got home. :-/

Needless to say, when I looked at the print format template for JEREMIAH, I wrote the name of the book and added chapter sections to the template. Then I stopped.

This is the most sluggish I've been since the first trimester. I hope it's not related to the tea my midwife advised me to drink (nettle). I had that the first time today and I'm not sure if I was supposed to feel any different but the only difference I've experienced today is a total and utter exhaustion.

Of course, it could be completely unrelated to pregnancy and more to do with the whirlwind of stress in my life right now.

Whatever the cause, I'm laid up. Nothing is happening. Not today anyway. If I were to force myself to do anything today, I think it would be a disaster. I'd make mistakes and end up having to redo everything anyway. That's not the way to go about reaching your publishing goals.

Unfortunately, when you're a super prego lady, some days you just have to curl up, nap, and/or read a book. Today is one of those days for me. Send me good thoughts that tomorrow can be productive despite the worship committee meeting that will take me away from my laptop for several hours...I can't afford another day like today.

The Truth About Exercise During Pregnancy

I have a tough time doing it. Well, I feel like I have a tough time doing anything except eating and peeing. Sleeping isn't even a comfortable endeavor these days, so why would exercise be any better?

The benefits of exercise are many, even during pregnancy. They have been proven and established and no one doubts them - not really. And I want to enjoy these benefits. I like exercising in general. The problem is cardio these days is a recipe for serious leg swelling. A 20 minute phone conversation offers enough time for me to pace/walk my legs to uncomfortable thickness.

Stretching is okay, assuming I can get up and move into position. Stretches however need to be modified so I don't smoosh kiddo or cut off circulation to my heart. There are a few alternative stretches I FINALLY found for certain parts (like hips) which I can actually do. It only took me 6 months...

Strength training is okay too, but I can't lift as much as before. The other day I tried to do bicep curls using my customary 8 lb weights and by the end of my first set I was out of breath and really struggling. This is a brand new development. The result is I have to go back to 5 lb weights. Hopefully this will be okay (as far as straining etc) and will offer me some actual resistence. It's been a while since I used 5 lbs. I just hope my arms continue moving in a positive direction despite the lower weight.

But all these only occur when I have enough energy and motivation. I am still doing better than I did in the first trimester, but only a little. Now I struggle to move and instead of nausea and exhaustion, I have to overcome my body and exhaustion. It feels like something is always getting in the way - my belly, my swollen legs, my lung capacity... Everything is modified and even then, I just can't do what I could before.

And I read recommendations by experts and recall those from my midwives and I laugh, and balk. I don't know who these people are who are able to walk vigorously for 1 hr 5 times a week, but they aren't me. I don't know these people who can do Zumba or circuit training throughout their pregnancies, but I kind of hate them. I would love to be a super active pregnant lady, but I just can't. I struggle with getting my writing goals done. I struggle with shifting position in bed.

This is where I am. My little dirt plot is being overtaken with weeds, my recycling is overflowing, and I can't waddle down the stairs without gripping the railing. I have to pee 20 times an hour and eat every 2. I take naps, which make me feel better than sleeping at night (because I always wake up aching the next day). So exercise? When I can do it (modified), when the stars align and my body isn't totally exhausted, I feel pretty good. Well, until I finish I feel good. Then when I'm done I need to take a nap.

How My Students Made Pregnant Me Cry

They did it. They finally did it.

My students made me cry.

Now, I will freely admit I am an emotional person even when I'm not pregnant. I feel things very deeply (and my feelings have the unfortunate ability to affect things around me, such as breaking appliances). When I'm excited, I'm really excited, and when I'm freaked, I'm really freaked - at least for a little while. Then I can usually come back to a calm equilibrium in about 5 minutes and get on with life.

Well, pregnancy doesn't really let me do that. While sometimes I can cry or laugh or snap for no reason, and go back to being normal in a second (like, literally - switch emotions on a dime), other times I can't shake my emotional state. It keeps looming, making it difficult to function. This can be so intense that I will end up sobbing and weeping for hours.

Of course, it's always made worse when I can't let my emotions out completely. So you can imagine how bad today was. Not only were my students acting out by standing up and not working on their projects, but they were also LOUDLY complaining (complaining about having to stay in art, complaining about the project, complaining that it was hard - and all VERY loudly and obviously).

The class in question is probably my worst behaviorally. This is a little surprising because I have a lot of students who are really excellent in it. They really are. And they suffer every class because the other half of the students just don't want to listen or to help. Their good behavior just isn't enough to outweigh and influence those who are displaying bad behavior.

Well, after trying to get through origami instructions for a cool project (jumping frogs! They're fun! They jump! Everyone who has made them has loved them!), I snapped. I had to stop probably 10 times to get them to stop talking (half of which was loud and obvious complaining) and I was done. I almost lost it in class because I was so upset. In the end, I let them have recess because I didn't want to be around them any more. I wasn't sure what I would do, or what I *should* do (i.e. who I should call to deal with them for me while I hid in the bathroom). But I also didn't want to break down at work because I didn't want to have to leave with blotchy skin and tear tracks down my cheeks.

Well, I did end up crying a little outside during recess. Then I cried a little more when I told my supervisor about the misbehavior and what we should do about it. In the end, I know we'll come up with a solution (already have an idea of what will happen).

The thing is, I couldn't stop crying.

I kept crying. Once I got in the car, I couldn't stop. It just kept coming. Luckily when a toddler ran out into the street outside the school, I had the presence of mind to stop well before he crossed in front of my car. But once I got onto the main drag, I don't think I would have been as aware. I was barely registering the color of the traffic lights. I stopped crying enough to get out of my car when I got home. Then once inside, I started sobbing again. I sobbed as I got my snack. I sobbed as I filled up my water bottle. I sobbed while I was putting away dirty dishes.

I was so upset, I was just short of throwing up. I actually wretched several times.

This is not my normal reaction to misbehaving students - at least not with this level of misbehavior (someone would have to make me feel REALLY badly about myself before I would cry this much). Yes, this class is a repeat offender, but it's only 2 hours of my week. I can generally deal with herding cats for 2 hours of each week. It's not that bad. Really.

Except I'm pregnant.

And today just happened to be a crazy hormone surge - or something. For whatever reason, my emotions were just really intense today. It could have been anything that set me off. I know this because after watching Brave this past week (twice!), I cried horribly when the main character was trying to save her mom. Like really crying. In fact I couldn't stop crying. So it wasn't that I blame my students (although I do want them to follow instructions). I don't. My reaction was from the fact that cannot control my emotional reactions the same way as before I was pregnant. And I don't know when I'll have extreme reactions or not. I just know that they happen and there's nothing I can do about it.

I'm hoping in the last few weeks of the program these kids won't give me so much grief, but I know this is probably wishful thinking. So, if I feel an intense reaction coming on, I guess I'll just have to call in reinforcements. Here's hoping that works.

Why Water is My Pregnancy's Bestfriend

I'm not a big drinker. Like most people, I live my life a little too concentrated, despite being told repeatedly that I should drink a certain number of cups per day.

Well in pregnancy water becomes even more important. I'm not saying this because millions of experts say these things, but rather because I have personally experienced the effects of dehydration in pregnancy. Yes, I was bad. I'm still not great on a daily basis, but I'm trying, and here's why: increased blood volume and amniotic fluid.

Because I am making a whole other human, when I don't drink enough water strange things happen regarding blood pressure. I don't just get the lovely headache behind the eyes, or extreme dry mouth. No, I can get white swirls in my vision. I can get down right dizzy. I can even get uterine cramps. I also get more swelling in my legs as well as leg cramps. This is on top of being incredibly cranky because whenever I'm thrown out of balance in pregnancy, I become beastly.

However, if I'm good about drinking water, my skin is happier and my heartburn is less (but only if I'm *consistently* drinking water). I feel better over all and fewer things seem to bother me.

Of course, drinking enough water means I literally have to take a sip every few minutes. I need to drink about 4 liters of water daily with the amount of activity I've been doing and the temperature outside (mid 70s). This seems excessive, but I'm telling you - if I don't drink about that much, things get uncomfortable.

So for the next few months, I won't be able to go anywhere without a water bottle (though I hear breastfeeding requires equally insane amounts of water). I guess hauling a large bottle of water everywhere is just prepping me slowly for carrying all the baby crap I'll need everywhere I go come September.

The Nightly Pregnancy Freak-out v. Reality

The last few hours of every day while I've been pregnant have been rough. Every day I do the same thing. About 2 hours before I go to sleep I start freaking out about some aspect (or multiple if I'm having a spectacular day) of my life.

Then about an hour before bed, I go on a 20 minute rant on how that thing is falling apart and how I want life to be better or different. Last night it was my body and my body image. Usually it involves finances or our living situation.

And it's horrible.

It makes Christian feel horrible (which honestly bothers me more) and it doesn't really make me feel better, except to voice my concerns. But I can't stop myself from doing it.

I have a theory why it happens the way this nightly negative rant does. First, I *do* tend to be more negative when I'm hormonal. It's something I noticed before pregnancy, so it makes sense that during pregnancy when my body is being flooded with hormones I would have some of that same freak-out factor.

Second, I am always at least a little uncomfortable. Right now, for example, my hip is in pain (now a nightly occurance) and I have moderate heartburn/acid reflux. Even though my eyes are tired and I want to go back to sleep, I doubt I can because of my physical discomfort. Physical discomfort is something that batters against a person's mental state. It's hard to be positive when I'm physically uncomfortable. Of course it will make me a little cranky! I'm in pain!

Third, being tired is a fast track to negativity. It is one of the states in which you should never attempt negotiations. It is one of the things they tell educators to look for in children misbehaving in class. It is something visible even in the youngest of babies - being tired makes us cranky. It's hard to be positive when we're cranky.

Put these three things together, and you have a recipe for a nightly freak-out. And it is only nightly. Because when I wake up, even though some of these thoughts are at the back of my brain, I don't really entertain them. I expect things will work out just fine. I expect kiddo will be born and while things will be a little tight initially, my writing will have started to gain serious traction allowing me to relax a bit more (at least financially). I expect in 5 years, Christian will have his own business doing *something* and it will be successful and fulfilling. I expect we'll have a reasonable little starter house, if not something bigger, and we may even have a little cabin in the woods for camping vacations with our kids. I expect I will be in good shape physically. I expect we will have a supportive community surrounding us, including a cadre of close friends that live where we live.

When I wake up every morning, and during most of the day, that is what I see for us in 5 years.

Today even, we drove past a potential community for us (we're seriously thinking about moving to a bigger apartment for less money). As we drove down the main street of the municipality I had to kind of smile as I caught my breath.

You see, I've seen that place. Don't get me wrong, I've never been there before in my life. But I've seen it - every day for the past 3 years. I've imagined myself walking down that main street, wearing a baby on my belly and holding the hand of a toddler. In this vision, the three of us are walking home to our house from daddy's successful business, in order to eat lunch and take the subsequent nap. I'm talking to my toddler about something - answering questions. It is a boy. The baby is in a woven multi-color sling or Moby wrap, but the main color is blue or teal.

While I have tried to visualize other things, this particular image stays with me. I see it, as I said, daily. It is a strange mental video clip, playing over and over in the back of my mind. I have told Christian about this little vision before, and I think he didn't believe it was real. And I tried to explain it to Christian, why I wasn't happy where we were. But "happy" isn't the right word - restless is better. It was more like, we had movement that needed to happen. Steps needed to be taken. I couldn't just sit still when I knew things needed to move to bring this vision to reality. And I knew it would be reality.

So when I told Christian this same thing today, he said, "I think we have to move then. Obviously this is where we need to be."

I'm writing these things because I feel, just as I felt back in January, that 2013 is an important year in our lives. I feel it in the deepest parts of me, and not just because of the baby. I feel every part of our lives will be affected - shifted into a new and exciting place. This is what I really believe, down below the fear, anxiety, and resulting nightly freak-out. I believe this is the result of efforts we've been making for some time. I believe it is something that has been actually destined.

Some people will think I'm a little crazy for saying these things. That's okay. They may blame it on pregnancy, though anyone who knows me also knows I was this way before. My life moves mysteriously, guided by gut instinct, dreams, and kismet. It is affirmed by deja vu and subtle signs too perfect to be coincidence. It is not a straight path and it is shrouded in the unknown,  making it trying for even the most faith-filled person.

Still, when I follow it, it is always good. Always.

So tonight, when I freak out (because I will), Christian will remind me (because he will) of these things - things I know deep down. I'll get over my momentary panic, and drift off to sleep, while playing my mental movies of what is to come.

Top Ten Best Things About Pregnancy

Since I've been having a poopy-pants week (this is a technical term referring to mood and general wellness, not the state of my actual pants) I decided to make a post about things I like in pregnancy. So what's so great about being preggo? In no particular order:

1. People do things for me. They volunteer to do things for me without being asked, sometimes even things I *could* do for myself, though I can't do much, so this is not just nice but sort of essential. Like lifting or moving chairs, holding doors, or sweeping. Pretty much I can sit back and delegate all essential tasks to others. Oh, by the way, I need a foot rub and a virgin strawberry daiquiri. Thanks!

2. My husband babies me, like literally. This is sort of an extension of number 1. While I don't want to overwork him or take advantage, it's kind of nice to have him cook breakfast and dinner regularly as well as clean the tub. And even though I think it's a little weird, I even like him painting my toenails. And slathering me with sunblock like I'm 5. The occassional backrub is pretty sweet as well. :-)

3. People don't expect much from me. I guess this is the flipside to the above, but it deserves its own time in the sun. I can sit down at work, I can sleep any time, I can cry in the middle of the mall and its fine because I'm pregnant and I get a pass! So all those things that are awkward and make me feel like a toddler, yeah, those are acceptable (of course you start crying when you're hungry - you're preggers!). The best thing about it, I'm cute when I do these things, not annoying. Sweet!

4. I can nap any time. Yes, it does get inconvenient when I'm sleeping 18 hours a day, but normally I can't sleep just whenever. This is like a special near narcoleptic superpower that I just can't ignore. Bright fluorescent lights? Screaming children? Excessively loud car stereo blasting gangsta rap? Mini rave light show with lasers and strobing lights? Epic thunderstorm? Creepy horror flick? No problem. 3, 2, 1 - SLEEP!

5. Curves are good. My belly, boobs, and ass are good things. They're encouraged. People worry if they're too small. FOR ONCE AMERICA YOU KNOW WHAT'S UP! Thank you! I will now proceed to wear a tight-ass shirt displaying just how big my baby-bump is. And you will take my picture saying how awesome my body is. Oh yeah!

6. I can eat. I'm not an emotional eater, but I do love food. I really do. It's nice to be able to order the additional side without feeling guilty, just because I want it. Plus, people don't judge me when I do. They encourage it! So when I eat as much as my husband or more, it's okay. Really. Pig out!

7. Food tastes WAY better than normal - like nearly orgasmic. Seriously. It's really amazingly wonderful. I find myself savoring every bite, even when I'm wolfing it down. I will actually miss this. It means even bland things are incredible. Who knew puffed rice cereal could be so fantastic?!

8. I have detective levels of smell. I can pick apart exactly who was where and for how long when I'm in a place based on the smells. I can tell you if something is wrong with your car, or if some recipe isn't right based on smell alone. Yeah, I'm like a wolfgirl that way. So cool.

9. People call me beautiful to my face even when I'm fat, greasy, and exhausted. It's often called "glowing." I can have zits, bags under my eyes, and be totally flushed; it doesn't seem to matter. It's so nice! Definitely going to miss that one, especially the few months after birth. Sigh.

10.  Nesting mania is AMAZING! I love that stuff! I want it ALL the time! If I had nesting instinct going 24/7 I might die of a coronary, but I'd also be more productive than Martha Stewart! Her party favors would have NOTHING on mine. And I've figured out how to feed the hungry, world peace, and crochet. Just saying.

Being pregnant *definitely* has its perks.

SWC Day 15: Writing is Just Not Happening

Okay the preggo problems are seriously hampering me now. I was only able to get to 41,160 today, which didn't even bring me to yesterday's goal of 42,169. Eek!

I'm just sooooo tired. I'm exhausted and I just can't get into ANDREW's story. Maybe it's because it's depressing at this point in the book, or because I know too much about what needs to happen (I hate that - I like the revelation of a story rather than having it all planned.). I'm leaning towards a combination of these factors.

Of course, the leg issues I've been having are certainly contributing to my writing problems. This sounds strange I know, but let me explain. Most writers have a space they use consistently to work. It helps keep writing and life separate. It helps us get into a groove. I prefer to write downstairs at my dining room table, which isn't conducive to putting my legs up. I have to put my legs up to combat the swelling and leg cramps I've been getting. It's much more comfortable for me to be on my bed, propped up by my Snoogle. When I sit on my bed like that, it makes me succumb to my exhaustion (You see the vicious cycle here, right?).

I'm not sure what to do here. I need to keep pushing myself, but I think 4500 words at this point is too ambitious considering my current situation. Should I dumb it down to 3000? 2000? What do you think? Leave me a comment or mention me on Twitter with your thoughts! I need to keep pushing myself to finish this book, but I also need a goal that is achievable, otherwise I'll get discouraged and may just stop (which is NOT an option for me at this point).

Second Trimester Exhaustion and Other Lies

People need to stop lying to me. Seriously. The websites, the preggo books, and people need to stop saying things that are complete falsehoods.

They said the second trimester would be a jam-packed energy fest. They said it was supposed to be comfortable (conveniently neglecting to mention swollen knees and nightly leg cramps).

Whaaaaaaa?!?! LIARS!!

Ahem.

To be fair, I did have a lot more energy until last week. Now the exhaustion is coming back. I've got 3+ weeks before I hit trimester the third. You'd never know it, because those things I was informed would be third trimester issues are happening now.

The exhaustion means I sleep all morning...practically every morning. The swelling means I can't stay on my feet very long. Weeeell when I sit down I kind of don't want to get up again...or write...or anything at all. It doesn't seem to matter if I'm thirsty or even hungry (though hungry might win over tired if I wait long enough). The tiredness is overwhelming.

It's no wonder Christian is worried I might be anemic. I'm sitting now...I might have to take a second nap today. This is a problem. It's making my goals much more difficult to accomplish. Gaaaahhhh! Good thing I only intended one more fiction book as part of my writing goals. Otherwise forget it.

I don't know how some women work full time with this stuff going on. I don't know how some women exercise religiously throughout their pregnancies. If I get anywhere close to my goals with writing and exercise I'm proud (and simultaneously disappointed but...what can I say? I'm competitive.).

I may have to ease up on myself. I may have no choice. Pushing myself til I'm about to collapse isn't an option. It's just not. So instead, I'll take it down a notch again (sigh) and hopefully continue a steady stream of work and exercise in the last few months of pregnancy.

The Dreaded Charley Horse: Leg Cramps in Pregnancy

Last night I terrified Christian.

I woke up to excruciating pain in my calf muscle. I couldn't seem to stretch my leg. I couldn't seem to do anything. I tried to wiggle my ankle around - my toes - anything. Everything was painful. I was gasping and crying out as anyone does in extreme sharp pain.

This of course woke up Christian and he proceeded to freak out. After all, what if these were abdominal cramps? What if I was experiencing preterm labor? He kept asking me what was wrong. When I was able to hear him asking, I realized how bad it must have looked, and how terrified he must have been.

Quietly I replied that it was my leg cramping. He asked which one. I thought he would have massaged the thing if I'd let him. Of course, the problem was I had to pee (just my luck). Thankfully when I put my foot on the floor, the pressure helped the pain to subside. I hobbled to the bathroom. When I came back to bed, Christian was much calmer. I let him know the pain was mostly gone.

After doing a few impromptu in-bed stretches, I slowly went back to sleep.

This morning when I woke, my leg was still sore. It was clear I needed to read up on leg cramps.

Apparently a lot of the same things that cause leg cramps are related to swelling. The same things you do to prevent swelling, are those you can do to prevent leg cramps. Things like drinking water and stretching are important, as well as making sure you have good circulation. Clearly I'm never crossing my legs again (at least not until after September) and will be stretching my leg muscles every 30 minutes until this baby is out.

As I write this my ankles are crossed.

I'm already failing at this game. Damn.

Sausage Cankles: Dealing With Pregnancy Edema

Maybe you can't tell by looking, but I can. The picture to the left shows my ankles after I put them up for over an hour. Yes, that means they aren't as swollen as they were when I put them up originally.

Originally I felt like I had a mild case of elephantiasis. My ankles, normally slender and lovely, had become enormous ghastly things. Of course (lucky me) this wasn't the only area affected - in fact my entire legs were swollen. My knees actually looked fat. When I touched them, I couldn't help but be reminded of those wretched "water baby" dolls developed in the 1990s.

Yes. Gross.

Some people might say I need to watch out - that I'm probably going to develop preeclampsia or some such thing. So far my blood pressure has been blessedly low, so that's *really* unlikely. However, it has been hot. I haven't been drinking enough water (because of the heartburn issue) and I do ingest caffeine (What can I say? Everyone has a vice, though I do limit my consumption.). I do eat a fair amount of salt (though I don't add it to food). Plus working at the school, I'm standing a lot.

I don't think this is a recipe for skinny ankles.

The result is now I have to force myself to drink more water. I have to stretch my feet and walk around every so often. I have to make sure I don't cross my legs when I'm sitting (Which honestly, feels weird to do now anyway, so it's not going to be much of a hardship.). I need to exercise a little more consistently (which I want to do anyway because it gives me more energy).

All that should help. And if it doesn't? Well, at least it's temporary. It's definitely temporary. It will go away once kiddo is born. I've been promised by multiple sources it's temporary [bites lip in concern as she stares at fat ankles].

It seems this temporary thing is becoming my new mantra. Now if only I genuinely believed it...

Pregnancy Annoyances: Touching Toes

There are some parts of me I can no longer see, but there are more that I can't touch.

I am speaking particularly of my legs and toes. Until I couldn't reach these places I didn't realize how important it was for me to get down there! I can't easily shave. I can't easily moisturize. Painting my toenails is impossible. Forget bending at the waist to fill the cat dish, pick up the bath mat, or grab a spare bit of art material off the floor.

This is because I can't smoosh my belly. I can't even slouch without having problems. If I squish the kiddo bad things happen, namely I can't breathe and feel like I'm going to hurl. Yeah, it's not good. Soooo what's a preggo lady to do? Well, if she's like me, she gets her husband to do it for her.

Yes, suddenly Christian is drafted to do all kinds of things which makes me feel pretty strange and completely dependent.  I feel like I've regressed to the age of 2 every time I have to ask him to do something I physically cannot do. I need to ask someone else to help me do basic things...which doesn't make sense to me because I'm 30...but I'm pregnant...which is considered to be disabled. Yes it is. Temporarily disabled. And the reason is because I can't touch my toes by bending at the waist. And if I tried to squat to touch my toes or pick something up, I'm still going to need help. Of course instead of picking up the random thing, I'll be the thing being picked up off the floor.

Seriously.

A Software Upgrade or Fun With Pregnancy Brain

I have a thousand things I could write about, but seriously my mind is blank. Which is why it makes so much sense to write about this.

Since becoming pregnant, I don't know how many times I've forgotten a word so simple and so well used in conversation that it's embarrassing. Or how about times when I've switched my student names when there is no possible connection between them? Yeah. I hate that.

The awesome thing is, these aren't the worst of it. The worst (or best) is trying to put toothpaste in your hair (instead of product) or a notepad in the freezer (instead of *on* the fridge).

I never did things like this before becoming pregnant. It is absolutely because of preggo brain.

Supposedly pregnancy brain happens when your hormones literally switch up your thinking. They do this so you are better programmed for motherhood. This means you spot danger faster than the average person, and respond more quickly to your baby. It also means you're more inclined to love on them (which thanks to biology is a continuous process fostered by childbirth and breastfeeding as well).

The price is your memory.

It seems like a fairytale. You pay with something in your head for some other head thing; except I can't help thinking in fairytales the price is always too high and has disasterous consequences. Is losing my memory too much to give? And is it permanent?

There are some changes in pregnancy that are temporary, but the rewiring of your brain into "mommy" is forever. For someone like me who has a strong memory (which I've cultivated through practice in addition to just having the gift) I probably have memory to spare (now I sound like a computer). But I can't help thinking about some people who didn't have all that much memory in the first place.

Memory is an aspect of intelligence. The ability to recall enormous amounts of information and use it with critical and analytical thought processes gives a person great advantage. Those with limited memory simply can't come to the same conclusions. This is probably one of the reasons Americans are looked down upon by many - we don't emphasize memorization in education. Literally, we seem more stupid.

So what does this mean for moms? I could make the argument that motherhood, pregnancy specifically, makes a person more stupid. And it does. That is a fact - if we're only looking at memory as an indicator of intelligence.

To counter that, I have to cite the sixth sense of moms everywhere as proof this rewiring process does something special. That joke about mothers having eyes in the back of their heads or that moms always *know* (and my own experience with this proves it true) tells me it's not a fairytale. This is not a situation where I'm losing something and getting very little back.

It's an upgrade.

So while misplacing things and forgetting basic words may be annoying, these experiences are a marker. I'm getting new software. I'm getting eyes in the back of my head.

The Worst Pregnant Night

I didn't get to sleep until late. This was partially because my mind was going, partly because I had bad heartburn to the point that nothing I did made me comfortable. Eventually my need for sleep won out, however.

I slept for maybe 2 hours. Then I woke up with horrible heartburn, but I wasn't convinced I was hungry. I took a Tums. Christian was wandering around so I was alone and grew anxious.

When he returned I still had heartburn and then had shooting breast pain (as though someone was stabbing me repeatedly - yeah, that was fun!). I tried to go to sleep but had heart palpitations and felt short of breath (could have been caused by all manner of things). So I lay in bed trying to relax.

I started reading articles about all kinds of things.

That carried me to about 7 am. I slept 2 hours. I woke up with horrible heartburn. I ate breakfast. Exhausted, I went back to sleep. I woke up again at 11 am. I still felt funky. I got lunch. I took a walk. The movement pulled a muscle in my belly or something, making it nearly impossible to walk back to my car.

Oh, did I mention the headache and general weird tummy feeling I've been sporting since lunch? Yeah. So that's a thing.

Needless to say, work was a no-go today. By the time I got home from my walk I felt like I would collapse. I don't relish the thought of keeling over while trying to wrangle 5th graders. No need to freak them out (or my husband who would inevitably be called to come get me or meet me at the hospital if such a thing happened at work).

The moral of the story? Pregnant bodies are out of control - literally. Sometimes the only thing we preggo ladies can do is drink some water, take a Tums, and rest.

Incidentally, I believe reading is in my near future...after my nap of course.

Pregnancy Weight Gain Makes Me Cry

Well it doesn't make me cry, but it does make me concerned.

I was overweight according to my BMI or something before I got pregnant. I was actually making some progress towards my goal as far as fat percentages etc, and then I got pregnant immediately.

I don't look fat when not pregnant, but I've been lucky and carry my weight well. Still, I can't help but remember lower scale numbers and and easier time buying clothes (as well as looking fantastic in a bikini).

Then came pregnancy. It's one of the times women are allowed to eat a lot of food without feeling too guilty...or so they say...except that's a lie.

Even though I've packed on the pounds according to my scale, I'm not big. It is still possible to hide my belly depending on what I wear (owing mostly to other parts of me that continue to grow...ahem). I don't feel like I've gained a ton of weight. I only eat when I'm hungry, which is good. It just happens to be that I'm hungry all the time.

When I eat, I try to make sure I eat enough. I have tried to eat more fruits and veggies thinking that might help me eat less over all, but I end up eating the same amount of protein and carbs as I would otherwise...just in a binge causing more heartburn. Grrr.

That protein is what I need. It's what kiddo needs. I know that. I know it because it is what I seek out consciously and subconsciously on a minute by minute basis. I know it's going mostly to my baby because I don't see the major size changes happening in my arms or legs...in fact, I think my thighs have gotten a little skinnier.

That's just weird.

But even though I know these things, and can see them somewhat, I can't help but hear that small voice in the back of my brain when I catch sight of dimples on my thighs, or fat rolling on my side. I can't help but scowl at my thickening ankles and swollen calves. In my mind, I shouldn't look like this pregnant. I should look smoother, more sleek, just like the models in pregnancy magazines.

And then I think, those bastards have screwed me up again!

It wasn't enough that I felt insecure about my body in high school, or that I still wanted to get rid of that last bit of belly fat in college. It wasn't enough that I poked and prodded myself in the mirror examining every square inch for imperfections, wishing wholeheartedly that I could erase certain parts of my body and THEN I would be beautiful.

No, you had to fricking ruin pregnancy too.

Goddamn you people! There's a special place in hell for people who perpetuate this anti-woman psychological torture machine.

I know it's a racket. I know I'm beautiful (even if I want to be *more* so to fit into these bizarre media metrics).  So I try to look at the parts of me I like, while ignoring those I don't. I try to focus on the fact that kiddo needs the food I'm shoveling into my face. It's not some weird emotional response or need for comfort or some unhealthy disorder. I'm actually doing what I'm supposed to be doing. I keep saying this to myself over and over again.

But I really hope this weight disappears after kiddo is out. At that point, thankfully I can return to criticizing my faults in peace.

Pregnancy Annoyances: Movie Theaters

This year is full of blockbuster nerdgasms and it's a problem. Most of these movies fall into my "big screen" category. This means I'm going to be frequenting the local theater on $5 days around at least once a month.

Sigh.

For the rest of the time I'm pregnant, that's going to suck (I'm not sure how it's going to work with a baby, but we'll get there.). Let me explain in no uncertain terms why movie theaters are horrible for pregnant ladies.

Being pregnant means you have to keep everything in balance. As soon as you start to get out of balance, you get upset. When they're really out of whack, the world ends.

You have to drink enough fluids to stay hydrated. If you do however, you will have to pee in the middle of the movie. This requires you to sit in the handicap spot or the end of a row, so you can get up easily, which means you have to arrive ridiculously early. Otherwise you will have to go over people. Your balance is off so going over people in the dark is a really bad idea because you are likely going to trip and fall. On the other hand,  if you don't drink enough your mouth will get dry, you'll get a headache, and you may feel faint by the end of the film.

If you're like me, you don't feel comfortable jockeying for the arm rest shared by a stranger. But of course, if you don't do that, half your body will be stiff and uncomfortable because you won't have been shifting enough to keep your joints under even amounts of pressure for 2 hours.

The best time to go to a movie is immediately after eating. If you don't, then all the other patrons munching away on junk will not only be distracting, but downright torturous. By the end of the film you'll have heartburn from too much acid and no food in your stomach. You'll be so cranky you're hangry (angry because you're hungry) that you'll snap at your spouse over tiny things and not necessarily understand why.

Your discomfort, in short, is so intense it will be difficult to enjoy the movie and you will have to have a plan to address your concerns immediately upon exiting the theater.

Phew. World ending.

And I have at least until September of this. Damn you Hollywood for putting out a bunch of things I actually want to see in theaters!!

I guess I'll just have to wait until movies have been out for months. That way I can sit with at least one seat empty beside me or in the handicap spot. It'll take care of at least a few of my movie theater issues. Sigh.

Pregnancy Annoyances: Heartburn

Today it has been bad - well, worse than bad. I've had two periods of time today where my chest felt like it was being eaten from the inside by white-hot flame. Yes, I have the worst case of heartburn ever. EVAR!

I'm hungry almost all the time. I have to eat, so I do. When I eat, I get heartburn. If I recline at all, the heartburn is worse. Mind you, I'm not talking about laying down, I'm talking about leaning, at like a 75 degree angle. It doesn't matter. There's so much acid in my stomach it comes right up, burning holes along the way. Bleh.

The only things that mildly help are dairy substances (milk, yogurt, ice cream etc) or antacid tabs (which I pop like candy). Unfortunately it only takes a few hours before the heartburn is back with a vengeance, tearing up my chest and throat.

Apparently I can thank progesterone for this - so thanks Big P! You're awesome and I hate you! :-D

The thing that comforts me when I'm suffering through the ridiculous pain is the thought that I might get a full head of hair on the kiddo at the end. Apparently women who have heartburn during pregnancy are more likely to have a baby with a full head of hair. I like the idea of crazy spiky hair on my newborn. I think kiddo will look awesome. Though honestly, by the time I'm holding my new baby, I doubt I'm going to be thinking about how much heartburn I suffered during my pregnancy, or how annoyed I am that kiddo has peach fuzz for hair despite my days and days of chest pain from gastric juices.

I'll thank oxytocin for that one (seriously - that stuff is amazing! Thank God for that!).

Pregnancy Annoyances: Mood Swings

Probably after the the range of emotions from this past weekend, anyone would be freaking out, but for me everything is a thousand times worse.

So after the full impact of my hopes and fears about having more than enough money to live on by working from home hit me, I sobbed to the point of hyperventilating. Christian, good man that he is, rubbed my back and reassured me that we would be fine.

Probably we will be.

But I can't fully put my fears away, or at least I haven't been able to.

Then again, I also cry from indecision relating to too many maternity shirt choices. I've snapped at Christian when our shoes weren't in the shoe bench. I've yelled about my ice water being in the wrong water bottle. I've cried so hard I laughed hysterically and then cried again.

Anything can set me off if I'm not careful. I feel like I'm a walking emotional mine. There are moments I don't know what will happen, or I'll be going along completely fine when all of a sudden something strikes some part of me setting me down a spirling whirlwind of emotion.

And then, just like that, I'm back to normal.

Pregnancy hormones are rough. Sheesh.

RH Negative Fun and Complications

If you didn't know already, I'm actually magical.

Okay no, not really. But I am apparently a human-ancient alien hybrid. That's right folks! I'm part reptile! Or something... :-/

If you didn't get the overwhelming sarcasm of the last paragraph, you might be Californian, or just reading, but rest-assured, it was sarcastic.

But seriously, I am (according to the latest two rounds of blood tests from two separate lab companies) rh negative. In the U.S. we only make up about 15-16% of the population. And there are reasons for this. Because well, rh negs like myself, our blood doesn't do positive - like, at all.

When positive and negative blood mix...they clump in a weird way. This is because negative blood will attack the positive blood. You can imagine the kinds of problems this might cause in transfusions etc.

Christian unfortunately doesn't know his rh status, which means he has to get tested before 28 weeks into my pregnancy. If his blood is negative, then I don't have to get an extra series of shots. If he is positive, I do...or my baby could die.

Alright, the first baby probably won't die. But the second could.

This is because if the baby is positive and my blood and the baby's mix, I could build up antibodies to reject future babies, or just make them terribly sick. Either way I look at it, we're about 1.5 months out from him needing to be absolutely certain his blood is one way or the other.

When I got my own blood test back, my mom didn't believe it. She is positive. My dad is positive. I just happened to be the 33% unlikely offspring of two +/- parents. Lucky me. I will blame my grandparents for this one (my maternal grandmother and probably my paternal grandfather, though I'll never know with that one).

And their legacy? What exactly is this fun little factor that I have that makes pregnancy just a little more complicated? Where did it come from?

Well, they think it may have come from Neanderthals. Or at least, that's the going theory that doesn't yet have scientific proof (that part of the gene hasn't been sequenced yet). The reason people think this strange and rather useless blood factor came from Neanderthals? Well, most people like the idea of something that could kill babies coming from a foreign group. That would be an easy explanation. The only other explanation I could find is simple goofy evolution.

Most people like this idea that rh negative blood makes them special. It's a fun little theory (or science fiction). I've read all kinds of strange things about rh negative blood people, connecting all kinds of random traits to this blood type.


The most popularly spouted of these are the physical characteristics and the psychic/empathic/electrical ones. I've also read a lot of stuff connecting ruling classes to rh negative blood - blue bloods.

Damn.

So let's just, for shits and giggles, go through one of the more extensive lists I've found.

1. Hazel eyes? Check. 
2. Ion shielding? Going with no (what the hell is that?!). 
3. Reddish hair? Check. I've always had natural red highlights. 
4. Low blood pulse and body temperature? Does the inability to control my body temperature count? I'm going to...check. 
5. Low blood pressure? Check. 
6. Sharp sight or hearing? Well my sight sucks, but my hearing is actually off the charts (I've had it tested), so check. 
7. Pronounced intuition? I'm loathe to say this one, but check.  
8. Extra rib or vertebrae? Not to my knowledge. 
9. Love of space and science? Check! But who doesn't? 
10. Sense of not belonging? Check. But I always attributed this to being, well, different in my approach to life - not to my genetics!
11. Piercing eyes? Uh, based on anecdotal evidence provided by third party observers, I will check.
12. Paranormal occurrences? Damn. Check.
13. Psychic dreams? Check. In my family, they're actually called "an Alexis."
14. Truth seeking? Check. But who doesn't?
15. Desire for higher wisdom? Check. But again, isn't this common?
16. Enhanced empathy? Check, though I wish I didn't.
17. Compassion for humanity? It depends on the day...I guess check.
18.   Higher mental analytical abilities? You mean, am I smart? Yeah. I'm pretty smart. Check.
19. Mission in life? Sigh. Check.
20. Psychic abilities? Do we have to talk about this again? I feel weird. Check.
21. Unexplained scars? What the hell do scars have to do with anything? NO!
22. High sensitivity to EM and ELF fields? Lol. Yeah, I'm actually an EMP. DOUBLE CHECK!
23. Alien contact? Psht! No!

So out of 23 weird separate characteristics popularly attributed to rh negative people, I've got 19 of them.

Oh, and just so we're clear on the ruling class business, yes, my family has blood ties to European nobility. So if we add that, I'm shooting 20 out of 24. Sheesh.

While I'd love an explanation as to why I break phones, computers, and dishwashers, or regularly have clairvoyant dreams, I don't connect these things to my blood type. The only thing that I absolutely do connect to my blood type is the very real and dangerous possibility of making my baby sick (s/he just started kicking to remind me why I would take preventative measures to protect the kiddo). So unless (or until) science somehow proves that I'm related to the Nephilim or the Annunaki, I'll just chalk the high correlation of traits to coincidence.

It is coincidence...right??? Please tell me this is just coincidence. I don't want to be anecdotal proof of these fringe theories!

Restless Irritation: A Pregnancy State

Today went wrong. I don't know why it was wrong, it just was.

I woke up late and really didn't want to do anything. I still feel like I'm recovering from the activity of the past 5 days. Tuesday I actually did twice my goal number of steps (which was a lot!). Needless to say, I think the activity level and the heat finally caught up to me.

I forced myself to try to get a few things done on my list. I did one set of arm, chest, and back exercises. Not horrible, but not great. I wanted to get out of the house. Preparing for heat I put on a dress. I looked out and saw the strong wind. I didn't change. I stayed inside.

I tried to get some more writing/job stuff done. My internet connection went all weird on my laptop. The things I needed to get done I didn't. I wanted to eat juicy fruit (the only kind I crave these days) but all I had was banana. I wanted veggies. Unfortunately my salad greens were wilted.

I ordered a bra in the mail (often the cheapest route for the well-endowed). It didn't fit. The sizing was completely off. This was like 2 cups smaller than what I expected the labelled size to mean. For $50 I wasn't going to suffer through it. Instead, I will pay to ship this back and end up buying something I can physically try on at a place like Nordi's Rack. I can honestly say right now I hate my breasts. They were never small, but pregnancy has made them roughly the size of Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade balloons. It's more than a little frustrating.

Add to all this the fact that today no food tasted good...nothing was comfortable...and I literally couldn't seem to enjoy anything. I tried. I did. But everything felt off. It was like every color had shifted several shades down - as though at random intervals a discordant sharp played along an otherwise major C scale.

I just felt...wrong. Everything was frustrating.

Well, everything except the baby's insistent kicking. That was okay. Poor kid is probably freaking out because of me being so out of kilter. It wasn't my reaction to things though - I think that was what I found so unsettling. I just was this way, all day. :-/

Christian said that every pregnant day is different, and this is just a pregnant day. Most of the time I can handle it. So far I've had 2 days that sucked during pregnancy - one day where Christian snapped at me after waking up (which resulted in a series of sob fests and a strange reaction at a church service) and then today. The sickness, the nausea is all fine. I can deal with that. It sucks, but it's physical. It's a lot easier to pinpoint and know when it starts and ends. This strange restless irritation is something else altogether. I just hope this is a rare thing instead of a new state of being.

I can do rare; if it's a new state of being then Christian might stay at a friend's place. :-/

Tonight I plan to cross my fingers and toes as I fall asleep. Hopefully tomorrow will be another kind of pregnant day - one full of rightness.