The End (A Poem)

There are so many thoughts running through my head. At first I thought I would just journal, but then I thought maybe there are some other people who are experiencing these things.

So, as a writer tends to do, I will share. This piece reflects on issues within the last few chapters of THRIVE: HOW I BECAME A SUPERHERO and serves as a reminder that even when we've gotten through part of the journey, there's always more time to be in the crucible.
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How can a parent consciously choose something that would be bad for their child? How can a parent willfully choose the interest of a friend, stranger, or the altar of an all-mighty idea over the best interest of their child? Their grandchildren?

How can a person not see what is in their best interest? How can a person not see what will be the best for their family? Community? City? State? Country? World?

I thought these things were obvious. I feel like they are obvious. They are so GOD DAMN OBVIOUS HOW COME YOU CAN'T FIGURE THIS OUT?!?!

It must be a lack of empathy.
It must be some an attachment to a mental self unrelated to reality. So they vote for their pretend best interest, instead of reality. This is torture.

Did you know there are black churches burning in the south? In a week. Less than every 2 days...one lights.

The mustard dried up.
And the brush burns.
What a sickly gas!

I cough and sputter when smoke blows on the wind. The sun grows dark and I close the windows hoping it passes - thankful for people trained, given full benefits, and protected by unions who brave the flames.

And it's one thing when it's a dusty canyon. It's another when it's a wooden church. A church - a place of prayer, of love, hope, and peace. A sanctuary - where people seek shelter from the storms of life, of which there are so many....crossing the mid-west it feels like pinball.

Bouncing us all around, pick a season, pick a weather - you will find it here!

And here we are. And I keep watching people on their journeys, sharing their excitement - sharing their successes and while I smile I can't help feeling I should be further along.

I was supposed to be further along.

I'm supposed to be more than I am.

I was supposed to have a house, a newer car, a career, a savings account. I was supposed to have a name for myself. I was supposed to be established. I was supposed to feel secure.

I was, I was. I was!

But I am. I still am. It is hard to read another peer bought another house. It is hard to see another peer beginning their family in safety and comfort. They don't have my worries. They don't feel my squeeze.

I remind myself this is transition. I remind myself this is not forever. I refuse to let this be much longer. I refuse to withstand this longer. I can't watch my husband sacrificing so much - so much, for so little. He deserves so much more. We deserve so much more. Our son deserves so. much. more.

I will find it. I will get it. I will have this. I have this. I got this. Just a little more. Just a little longer. By this time next year, the world will look differently.

I feel this. I know this. It sits in my gut, a burning coal.
I could choke on the smoke, but I don't.
I'm Ms. Fusion in a lake of flame.
Nothing touches my heat.

And you know, the world doesn't end with water.

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Ignoring the News

Sunflowers to brighten the day...

I seriously need to stop reading the news. Just completely. I need a news detox. I need fluffy cats, fuzzy bunnies, and baby videos. Lots of silly baby videos. And Saturday Night Live. Some Tina Fey.

Part of the reason is I get so pissed off when I read it. Part of it is I get so depressed. I lose faith in humanity and the world generally. I just get this awful aching feeling in my gut and that small voice in my head says,

"See. We are going to Hell in a hand basket. Soda and peanuts for a charge..."

I wonder if the world will be okay for my son. What will happen to him? I wonder if I will continue to see the blue sky and green grass, or if we are doomed to super winters in some places and legendary droughts in others...forever. For the rest of my life. For the rest of his.

I wonder why leaders think it is a good idea to go to war when we aren't taking care of our recent vets, let alone civilians at home.

I wonder why people intentionally want to hurt others while couching it in terms of "personal choice" or "maintaining national identity."

Looking at pictures of new babies on my social media feed and I think, what do they have to look forward to? Is it enough to be fed, be loved, and have a place to sleep? Is that enough? Because it feels like nothing else is certain.

Despite these feelings of desperation and depression, I cling to my one true solace - my one true love - my words. Precious, perfect, wonderful words. At least I write the light as well as the dark. That is some solace. And maybe someone reading it will be impacted in a positive way. I can't know. I can only hope. But the hope is what keeps me going.

My most consuming project is not Khloe, though I love that series and gives me hope. No. My most consuming project is dark, difficult, and real. It really happened. That is what makes it so painful, so awful. And I relive it as I write. I relive every second. Anyone who has experienced what I have knows this. When you write, when you talk, it is being back there. And I don't do it because I hate myself, or I want to beat myself up. I relive every second in hopes the lessons I learned, my experiences, were not a simple personal thing, but something that others can grab on to. I want someone else to read about me and know, in her heart of hearts, "I am more than this," and "I am not alone."

We are never alone. I hold on to this thought every day.

There is my husband, who can make me laugh at the drop of a hat. He has this magical ability to crack my mother into hysterics, which makes everyone laugh, because its such a strange full body thing, she gives herself over to the experience so completely. It is such a joy to see someone else enjoying life. It is infectious and I can't help but crack into hysterics along with her.

I look at my son, who both relieves and creates stress. He relieves it because he is full of smiles and laughs, and play. He is full of wonder and life and love and I can't get enough of it. He is a source of stress, not because of the tantrums and the buttons he pushes. He is a source of stress because I know the evil in the world, and I wish he will never experience it...but he will. We all do at some point. We all know evil. There is no avoiding it. And that stresses me the hell out, because I know, even if I do everything right, I cannot protect him from the world.

So I need to avoid the news. I need to forget about Brian Williams and other talking head lies. I need to avoid the fact that police and civilians alike shoot and kill each other over the most mundane and preposterous awful things. I need to forget that women still fight for a voice, and alternative genders struggle to have even the space straight women have. I need to forget that war rages, and violence stains hands and dirt. I need to ignore the fact that we may have killed our species through some Icarus type hubris.

So please, send me your best cat videos. Send me your fuzzy bunny memes and your witty sketch and improv comedy. Recommend a good guided meditation and a fantastic quantum physics article about how small and pointless this human experience is in the vastness of space. I need a break.

Until All Are Equal - Feminism

The internet is full of fail. It allows idiocy to multiply like a virus and collect into little pools of festering infection. First, let me remind everyone: USE YOUR CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS. It is always a good idea to consider arguments thoughtfully especially if they are well structured and supported by sufficient evidence, regardless of your own opinion.  This is how we learn and grow and that is always a good thing.

Always consider a situation and the definition of the words being applied. Does the situation actually fit the words being applied? Or is the person making statement after statement with malapropisms? In other words, does this person actually know what he or she is talking about?

Just saying.

Now to brass tacks.

Let's remind one another, ladies and gentlemen, why FEMINISM is not the "F word." Feminism is not MAN-HATING or "Feminazism." That is female chauvinism and NOT the same thing (I think we all agree chauvinism is bad...equality is good). Let's also remind one another that FEMINISM is about a set of ideals - a philosophy and a movement. It is about EQUALITY in PUBLIC and PRIVATE spaces for EVERYONE.

If a woman has NOT experienced discrimination or violence because she is a woman, I can only attribute this to one of three things: sheer luck, lack of life experience and/or exposure to the world (i.e. too young), or obliviousness to her own situation and those of women around her.

If a man has not witnessed or met a woman who was discriminated against or attacked because of her vagina, then he can only be too young or oblivious (not asking the right questions or "calling a spade a spade" as it were).

Women, you need feminism because

1. You like being able to vote.
2. You like being able to drive.
3. You like being able to have your opinion weigh the same as someone who has a penis.
4. You like being able to choose if and when you want to be a mother.
5. You like government protected parental leave.
6. You enjoy being able to work...in any industry and any organization.
7. You enjoy making it to upper management (or at least having the possibility to).
8. You like being able to go to college and study whatever you want to achieve whatever goals you have.
9. You want to be able to get the same wage for the same work as someone with a penis.
10. You enjoy being able to wear pants, shorts, skirts, and pretty much anything you want at any time ANYWHERE - seriously... think Saudi Arabia people.
11. You enjoy being taken seriously. Seriously.
12. You want to be seen as a person, as opposed to a walking vagina to be possessed or used.
13. There are still women in this world who do not have access to all the  the above mentioned things.
14. Daycare is still not provided by all employers.
15. Women who take themselves out of the workforce during childbearing years have a difficult time being hired after. 
16. Women are still not trusted to know how to give birth in the US and around the world.
17. Women are still not allowed control over their reproduction in the US and globally.
18. Women are more likely to be the victims of sexual abuse (3 in 10) than  men (1 in 10).
19. Women are much more likely to experience violence at the hands of their partners than men.
20. Women worry about being physically safe with men. Men don't feel that way about women.
21. When saying that someone abused you sexually, society is predisposed to call you a liar and an opportunist unless there is physical proof.
22. "Cunt" is still worse than "dick."
23. "Whore" is a slur. "Pimp" is a compliment.
24. Women are less likely to vote for a female candidate to office.
25. We have been so conditioned by the idea that we can't do certain things that WOMEN REINFORCE the status quo.

Men need feminism because

1. Men can't stay home if they want to (without worrying about societal pressure and stigma).
2. Men like parental leave.
3. Daycare is still not provided by employers.
4. Imbalanced power dynamics foster resentment and subversion by the less powerful.
5. Men (and women) want whole, supported partners.
6. Having an empowered partner means a happier relationship (Ever met someone who had control over their own life who was upset about it? Really?).
7. Men need to know how to be male without being violent or aggressive towards women (read: television, video games, movies, and popular music).
8. Men need to be able to explore their own identities and roles (son, husband, father etc).
9. Diversity of perspective leads to innovation which can lead to better solutions (i.e. dialectics).
10. Everyone is more productive when they are supported and empowered (Think of your sisters, wives, mothers, and daughters here.).

All feminists are not the same, but saying that we don't need feminism is like saying we don't need to worry about racial equality. Sorry, but there is still a whole lot of racism in the US and the world, and there is STILL a lot of sexism in the world.

We definitely need feminism.

What Change Wrought: Relationship, Writer's Block, and Self-Development

Sometimes strong feelings or major life events can be inspiring to a writer. Other times, they are the exact opposite.

For a while I was doing very well with my daily writing goals. I was consistent. Frequently I more than surpassed them by several thousand words! Recently, however, I've been struggling. I haven't written consistently in some time. I missed July by a long shot, neglecting my publication goal despite its reachability. I mean, Khloe could have been done by now. And I want to finish, intellectually. But I just don't have the motivation.

Part of this has been because my son has grown into a more active phase in his development. He does require energy stores that I used to put solely towards writing. However, to place the blame squarely on my child's activity level is unfair and unrealistic. Yes, his energy draw is large, but he takes naps. He plays by himself. He sleeps earlier than I do. I could realistically write even with his increased mobility. There is more going on. Much more.

As you know from reading earlier posts, I've been on quite a journey this year. Every week brings new change in myself and my perspective. It has been a healing time. It has been a beneficial time. I have learned things about myself and come to conclusions in this year that I never could have at other times in my life. I work out 6 days a week. I study Spanish daily. I try to eat balanced meals. I try to meditate at least once a day. I'm working towards specific professional goals.

And I am sincerely grateful for this. I am healthier, stronger, and generally more focused. It is an exciting time for me.

Unfortunately I have a major area of my life that is holding me back and I feel this is impacting my writing. My mind is so focused on this area that I have been uninspired to write. For someone like me who typically writes daily and has multiple books independently published, this is a strange turn.

I would even go so far as to say I have no interest in writing.

In fact, writing this blog post was a chore. I struggled to pick up the laptop. I wrote lines of several other posts and even wrote entire completely different posts before finally settling on this topic as worthy of publication on my blog. I agonized over the words in this post. I fretted over coming clean about this issue. And even still, there is much more I could confess to you, my gentle readers. But what should I say? What is too much? What is enough without making people uncomfortable?

Crazy, right? I mean, who does that? And what could possibly twist me up so badly as to cause such difficulties?

Well, I will answer: the next phase in my life journey. I am applying to PhD programs, and that necessarily is a point of excitement and trepidation. If I don't get accepted, it doesn't matter. I would be disappointed but I would get over it. I would decide on another goal. Rejection is not my worry. My worry is that it will create more relationship difficulties than I have at present.

You see, when someone undergoes transformation, it is impossible for things to stay the same. The equilibrium is disrupted and suddenly old habits don't fly any more. New things are required. Change doesn't just happen in the person transforming, but all around that person has to change. The question is, how?

Absolutely I have transformed. It began with my pregnancy and has continued for the 11 months since my son's birth. I am a completely different woman, with a completely different understanding of how I want to be in the world. Part of this had to do with acceptance of myself, part of it had to do with deciding what I wanted and then actually taking realistic measurable steps towards those things. And quite frankly, I know my husband isn't interested in the same things I'm interested in. It is not that he is consciously working against me getting my goals, but he isn't helping me get them either. As I try to shoot higher and higher, I feel more and more that I am weighted down.

I don't feel this way because I no longer love my husband or because he is sabotaging me. Neither of those things are strictly true. I feel this way because the longer and more entrenched my transformation becomes, the clearer it is to me that my husband is unable to change.  Or rather, he is so worried about what steps he should take, he doesn't take any. He doesn't change because he doesn't feel 100% confident in what he wants. He goes back and forth, afraid to stay where he is, and afraid to move forward. While he's waffling, I'm moving forward with my life, leaving him in the dust. I'm growing and changing quickly and he isn't...

It is pretty clear why I've been struggling with writing.

How can you do anything you love when something so crucial as your relationship is in the hands of someone else? I don't know. I struggle with it every day. It is painful to watch my spouse rely on old habits and struggle against the changing landscape that is our relationship and his very different wife. It is painful to watch him make choices that inevitably cause discord and difficulty. It is painful to watch him make choices that utilize a kind of logic that doesn't make the remotest bit of rational sense to me.

We're one week away from our 6 year anniversary, and I wonder how things will be moving forward. It is no longer my decision. I have made my choices and I'm comfortable with them. I just hope that he actively chooses his own transformation, one that will enhance and enrich my own. I hope he decides to join me.

In the mean time, I wonder. I wonder when things will change in such a way that I am once more inspired to write. I wonder what would make the difference for him. I wonder what will inspire him to transform. I wonder when I will be able to truly move forward in every aspect of my life. I can't handle the stagnation. It is upsetting.

Because right now, when I hold the computer on my lap, I don't want to write. I don't want to open my word processor. I don't want to open my blog post editor.

I just want to browse the web and forget.

The Female Singer Songwriter

Monday night I had the opportunity to sing. These days I don't get to often, and this little showcase with Songwriters At Play served as a reminder of many of the things I consciously pulled away from.

I love performance. I love singing. It gives me great pleasure. Being in San Luis Obispo at Bon Temps was a pretty typical showcase experience. It was a weird location - weird because it's a creole restaurant attached to a Ramada Inn on California's Central Coast.

You can't make this stuff up.

The wait staff was exceptionally kind. Without having to ask, they brought us waters immediately. I don't know if that's just this restaurant's way of doing things for all clients - all I know is that often waiters don't bring musicians water. I was pleasantly surprised.

Our good music buddy Steve Key put together the group of performers. Being a part of one of Steve's lineups is always good because he makes a real effort to find a good mix of local talent as well as some interesting featured acts. It ends up feeling somewhere between an open mic and a paying concert (a great thing from a musician's perspective). They're always fun and musicians always feel supported there.

We tend to play early in these things, in part because we tag along at the last minute. This can be a good thing or a bad thing, depending on the crowd and other acts. Bon Temps had a really sweet group and all the musicians were hanging out, which made things exceptionally supportive.

This was REALLY important to us because we recorded our performance (I'll throw a link or embed the video as soon as I check levels etc). Steve even let us do an extra song because we were so on (and took so little time - mostly because we don't talk in between songs).

The goal of the video is to use as a demo for potential gigs (and possibly other auditions??? Hmmm...). Considering our performance, my only real concern is the video quality (GoPro don't fail me now!).

Just People at Bon Temps

The featured act was a band from Portland (who look like they're from Portland if you know what I mean) called Just People. They had some good grooves and the two electric guitarists worked really well together. It was the kind of band my husband really enjoys (Too bad he missed it! Ha!). I wish I would have heard more of the lyrics however. I'm not sure if that was just the sound, the singer's vocals, or the songwriting. I'll have to listen to some recording to see...that said, for some old school ska influenced rock, it was a fun listen.

What did I remember that I left behind? Late nights and loud music. I love performing, but I also love my hearing. I don't know how I can balance those things. I'm just not sure. I'd like to be able to, but I don't know if I have the money for the technological innovation required.

I also love my baby. The whole time I was at the gig I was thinking of him. I'd like to do more performing, but how can I with a little baby at home who has the beginnings of separation anxiety? It's tough to balance these things and there are no easy choices.

Looking at the other performers it was clear I was in a very different place in life. They were single, probably childless, and comfortable traveling long hours in crowded vans. I'm married with a husband and very rooted. They sleep in hotels or vehicles or on couches while living out of a small duffel. I like my own bed and the choices my closet offers.

I couldn't help thinking of the Koles and what Arlene gave up to be a mom for 20 years. Of course, then she returned to music in a big way (amazing songwriter and musician) with her kids all grown up.

I think of my cousin, an opera singer, who has her life scheduled out years in advance. She's always on the road and sees her husband when she can. She would have to schedule a family and I don't know if she ever will.

These are the choices women performers make. These are the scales we have to balance. Men have more freedom in this situation and I'm both envious and not. I don't know if I even want that life, but I do like to dip my toe in every once in a while. Showcases like Monday night let me do just that.

Pregnancy Annoyances: Touching Toes

There are some parts of me I can no longer see, but there are more that I can't touch.

I am speaking particularly of my legs and toes. Until I couldn't reach these places I didn't realize how important it was for me to get down there! I can't easily shave. I can't easily moisturize. Painting my toenails is impossible. Forget bending at the waist to fill the cat dish, pick up the bath mat, or grab a spare bit of art material off the floor.

This is because I can't smoosh my belly. I can't even slouch without having problems. If I squish the kiddo bad things happen, namely I can't breathe and feel like I'm going to hurl. Yeah, it's not good. Soooo what's a preggo lady to do? Well, if she's like me, she gets her husband to do it for her.

Yes, suddenly Christian is drafted to do all kinds of things which makes me feel pretty strange and completely dependent.  I feel like I've regressed to the age of 2 every time I have to ask him to do something I physically cannot do. I need to ask someone else to help me do basic things...which doesn't make sense to me because I'm 30...but I'm pregnant...which is considered to be disabled. Yes it is. Temporarily disabled. And the reason is because I can't touch my toes by bending at the waist. And if I tried to squat to touch my toes or pick something up, I'm still going to need help. Of course instead of picking up the random thing, I'll be the thing being picked up off the floor.

Seriously.

The Best of Both Worlds: To Great In-laws

One of the pleasant surprises about being pregnant has been the bonding it has fostered between my in-laws and myself.

I always liked my in-laws, but because of time and space, I never really got to spend much time with them. Since being pregnant, I find myself texting and messaging my sister-in-laws much more regularly. I'm talking with my mother-in-law on a much more frequent basis.

For whatever reason, the pregnancy has brought me closer to my beloved's family...which frankly is AWESOME!

I cannot explain how good it is to have not only positive relationships with one's in-laws, but also to ENJOY them. I know, without a doubt, they will be super helpful and supportive with the baby. I know I can count on them if I need advice, or a laugh, or a listening ear. This is a blessing because my own extended family is much further away (though the pregnancy has brought us closer as well, for which I am also grateful) and I have often yearned for the closeness I see in other families (physically and emotionally).

I hear about other first-time moms freaking out about the prospect of "dealing" with their in-laws. They go back and forth about what kind of relationship they will "allow" their child to have with their spouse's family. That sounds awful. It feels awful to me.

Now more than ever, I am sensitive to the fact that family is important. Those ties between us should be nurtured and strengthened. We should support and encourage one another and work through whatever obstacles come our way. And it is important to remember, when we marry, we gain another family. Our family grows.

I didn't just marry my husband, but his family.

Often in America we forget that we cannot separate our spouses from their families. We forget that while we can choose our husbands and wives, we cannot choose their families. And if we don't like those families, it doesn't matter. You marry in, you've got 'em.

While this concept has been brought home even more by my pregnancy, I have also never been more pleased with my situation. Not only do I enjoy my husband's family, but they get along with my own. We've done joint holiday celebrations and Christian's family has even gone to my dad's church for Christmas Eve etc. That we can all be so close is such a blessing. It makes the prospect of spending time with each side a lot easier, because they're more understanding and willing to share (which will be REALLY important once the baby is here).

For you gentle reader, I recommend you foster good relations with your in-laws. It makes everything so much better. I guarantee you'll be a happier person (if only because holidays won't be nearly as stressful). And once you have that awesome relationship, let them know how much you appreciate them.

As such, let me say, this post is for my awesome in-laws. I love you guys and am so glad I'm part of your family! :-)

An Order of Rights: Separate And Not Equal

As the Supreme Court and activists weigh in on same sex marriage, I'm struck by the order in which rights are given in America.

For whatever reason, men always get them first. Of course, white men always have them. Then men of other races get them. Then come women. Finally, the LGBT community gets them.

We see this time and time again. The right to vote was given to black men before it was given to women. Granted, blacks (and other supporters) had to fight tooth and nail to make it *truly* the right to vote, but it was legally given first.

The civil rights movement started as an issue of race, and was joined later by feminists, and LGBT activists. While it is largely accepted that a person of any color can work at any job and make equal pay (I would cite our beloved president), women to this day do not make equal pay, and are not given paid parental leave or ensured childcare at their workplaces. This effectively removes them from the labor force for years at a time.

LGBT individuals have been plagued by all kinds of discrimination. They are STILL not a protected group from workplace discrimination across our country! It was only recently that "Don't Ask Don't Tell" was repealed. And now, years after "Separate But Equal" was thrown out as bollocks, we're still debating about whether two people of the same sex can get married.

As it has been said before, I will say it again: We still have a long way to go, baby.

As a woman, and as a person who has friends and relatives touched by these issues, I wonder at those of us who hem and haw at social change. As a Christian, I believe God wants equal care and protection for all of humanity. I also believe it doesn't matter what I think God wants because church and state should be separate. If we say that we are a nation of equality and fairness, we are required to make all things equal and as fair as the law can possibly allow.

Same sex marriage seems like an easy one. Then again, I thought paid maternity leave was easy too.

Cluttered - Rediscovering Myself Through Mess

Maybe it's hormones. I'm not sure. Whatever it is, by the end of the day today I became incredibly frustrated.

I think this is mostly because of clutter.

Clutter comes in so many forms: emotions, thoughts, objects, finances, and the list could go on. Some types of clutter lead to others. For example, having emotional clutter could lead to a cluttered living environment, which could increase your emotional clutter which could...well, you get the idea.

It's a mess.

For almost a year now I have lived in a semi-cluttered state. There is the fact that we didn't think we'd stay in the loft,  which led to a lack of thoughtful storage solutions. On our second floor there is a whole section that is basically a pile of stuff, somewhat organized, but a pile nonetheless. I look at that pile and it drives me crazy.

On the first floor, Christian has a tendency to leave half-finished projects, jackets, and shoes everywhere. As much as I try to reinforce where things go in our minute storage, he doesn't seem to feel the need to put things away.

Of course Christian isn't home much. He leaves for work around 8 am and doesn't come home until around 7 pm. The days he has off are frequently spent doing errands or the limited fun things we are able to afford after buying pregnancy snacks (which requires a separate post).

Needless to say, our living space while affecting him doesn't damage *his* psyche the same way it does mine.

The physical clutter has become unbearable to me. I truly feel it is impacting my mental and emotional health.

While I know my pregnancy hormones have contributed to a general listlessness and fatigue, I feel it has been exacerbated by my environment. For the past 3 months I've been powerless to do much about this because of my lack of energy and all day nausea/vomiting. Now my energy is returning with almost a manic fury.

Just today I weeded our tiny plot in front of our apartment, cleaned the toaster oven, microwave, kitchen counters, table top, and range. This was in addition to taking public transit to Walnut Creek for church, meeting a family friend, going out to lunch, riding public transit home, and walking to the auto parts store (Keep in mind taking the train from our place requires walking about 6 blocks to and from the station.).

Yes, I took a nap - but only one!

Already I'm starting to address the problem of clutter in small ways, but it's not enough. I want more.

That's really my biggest problem. Actually, it's the problem that probably annoys and excites Christian the most. I always want more.

This appetite has been dormant for some time. My motivation had largely disappeared. It has been this way for years. I was infinitely more powerful before we got married because my ambition and drive was so intense.

Don't get me wrong, I love my husband. He compliments me in many, many ways.

However when you get married you have to figure out how you fit together. It takes time to adjust and find out where all your pieces can work well. I honestly think it took me this long to figure it all out.

I'm annoyed by the wait, but I'm glad it's over. I have things to do and not much time to do them. When the baby comes there will be a new adjustment period and I need to have my other ducks in a row to feel good. This means tackling the space under the stairs and the pile in the upstairs corner. It means figuring out a way to organize under our sink and getting rid of those antiquated political books I'm never going to read again.

And then?

Meditation. Goal-setting. Lists. Visualization. I once knew how get whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it. It's time to use this power once again. The waiting is over. I've got 6 months to build my inertia before I'm monkey wrenched for a while.

The clutter MUST be destroyed.

Walking Undead: A.K.A. Exhaustion

I remember mono.

Well, I remember a month long dream interspersed with Enya tracks, a sore throat that reached epic proportions, and lymph nodes the size of golf balls. This is because most of that month when I was terribly sick, I was sleeping. I couldn't do anything else.

So when the pregnancy exhaustion hit in week 6, I was familiar with the need to sleep 18 hours.

However this exhaustion is different from being sick. This is the kind where you get bursts of energy for a moment. Suddenly you can unload the dishwasher - and then you have to take a nap. Immediately. No questions.

Or you start cooking dinner and then all of sudden it's too strenuous and you have to sit down because you can't breathe and you might keel over if you stood one second longer.

People don't talk about these things.

WHY DON'T PEOPLE TALK ABOUT THESE THINGS?!?!

I had no idea pregnancy would be so exhausting in the first trimester. I was completely ill prepared. If I was married to a lesser man this would be hellish (mostly because I would never have clean clothes or eat home-cooked meals).

Fortunately Christian is superhuman. He's patient, gentle, and calm. He cooks dinner, does the laundry, takes out the recycling, and rubs my back when my ligaments decide it's time to move around making me sore. I could not imagine going through this time by myself - or even worse, with someone who didn't understand or didn't care.

He, like all good husbands, realizes that I'm exhausted because I'm building a completely new life inside me. Not only am I building things like ventricles, lungs, arms, and legs, but also supportive structures like the placenta and umbilical cord. When you think about it like that, it doesn't seem so bad to leave a light layer of dust on the TV stand. It makes perfect sense that I would need to take 3 extra naps. Of course I have to eat another snack during the day. It's not just for me, but for the life I'm creating.

I'm not being lazy. I'm being reproductive.

It's Always Been About Us: On Individualism

One of the things that drives me insane about many Americans in my generation is blind individualism. It is apparently so important to be an individual that independence actually becomes hurtful. This hurt extends not just to the self, but those around us.

One might even call it ... (insert big gasp here)... selfish!

Let me take a step back here. I've never considered myself very conservative or even traditional. However my feelings about the institution of marriage are on many accounts old-fashioned.

And honestly, I *never* impose my traditional opinions on my friends or family. If asked, I will state them but ultimately everyone has a choice. You can choose to smoke cigarettes, snort coke, and have unprotected sex with tranny hookers. And I would tell you, in the most loving way possible, that your head needs some electroshock to get back on track.

Of course, this is a blog. So let's get down and brutally honest, shall we?

I hate people cohabitating with no intention of getting married yet they want to have kids (and no, this situation doesn't extend to those who desperately want legal marriage yet are denied it!).

The reason is this: if you don't feel comfortable tying yourself to this person permanently just to be a couple, then why the hell would you have kids? Kids are incredibly permanent! That's the stupidiest thing I've ever heard. That sends all kinds of signals about how you're starting out on sand when you should start on rock. Your kids will feel like their parents could split at any time. That's an awful insecure feeling to have when you're 5. It's ironic many people choose this because of their own parents' failures. I wonder what their children will do in turn...

Along these sandy lines, I also hate women *trying* to have kids when they're single. Yes, accidents happen. However, why would you *want* to be a single parent? That's crazy talk. I remember what I was like as a teen. I remember my brother's tantrums. You don't wish that stuff on your enemy. A woman who does that is basically telling the world she's selfish and freaked about her body clock. Those are horrible reasons to have children. We are not meant to live in isolation, but to have partners. If you can't find one, maybe you need to re-examine yourself.

I know what you're thinking.

"Wow Alexis! Harsh!"
"I thought you were a pinko commie liberal, not some straight-laced conservative!"

Yep, it is harsh. And it's unpopularly traditional. And it's the truth. People who don't see these situations for what they are, are deluding themselves. Perhaps they feel ashamed or realize they're too weak or undisciplined to be in a committed relationship. Maybe they just don't want to grow up. Maybe they're afraid. And when someone like that reads this, they'll get mad. They'll whine and beat their chests and curse at people like me for being so tied to the institution and advocating for the loss of the self.

And I would recommend therapy.

But despite these deluded selfish individualists, there are people who are quite the opposite - and I love them.

People I love? Families that try to make it work under outside pressures are amazing. Women who have liberated themselves from bad situations or are working to better themselves to be a role model for their children motivate others. Adoptive parents - period - are a blessing to the world as well as their chosen children.

Those people are not trying to screw things up. They're trying to make the world a better place. They accept how their actions influence their families and their communities. They are willing to lose themselves in a transformative and beautiful unknowable identity larger and greater than they've ever had... And it lifts my heart.

So do me a favor. The next time marriage comes up in conversation and someone can't stand the idea of their identity being transformed into something beautiful and amazing but they *do* want to get knocked up, sit them down. Tell them in no uncertain terms they might be looking at the world ass-backwards. As humans, it's never been about I. People need to get over I. That's an illusion. We're social and communal. It's better to embrace the truth...

It's always been about us.

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A Writer's Delusion - The Paradox of Creation

When Christian comes home these days there is only one thing on my mind - writing. I am full of Jeremiah's story. The result is not just that I talk over scene after scene, but I begin to live the book and dream reality.

It starts like this: I'm typing. I stop. I say something like "I got to this part..." I type for 5 minutes. I say "What do you think about this?" Of course, I never explained what "this" was. Christian is completely in the dark.

I'm only half present.

I am likely to be this way for the next 6 months. It will be from varying degrees, but nevertheless, it will be. This is because I am determined to finish 8 books (completely) by next July. This means not only will I have to finish writing the several books I have now, but I will also need to begin several more. Cover art, rewriting, editing, and publishing will all need to be completed.

This might be crazy. It may make me crazy, but I have to. I can't waste my life and not do what I was put here to do. It also means I have to leave this world.

To create anything requires a person to leave reality, at least in part. Artists flourish in the realm of the soul. Everything has multiple meanings. We live in the paradox. We are the paradox. Everything is simple, complex, beautiful, ugly , terrifying, and soothing all at once. Nothing is as it seems as we live in the dream - the waking world.

It is easy to become lost in this half-life. For this reason we need things to anchor us to life. Family,  friends, even pets can serve to bring us out of the created and back to real life.

If there is any life purpose for a familiar, it is this. Perhaps this is why my cat Java follows me constantly. Maybe this is why she yowls at me regularly through the day. Whatever the reason, the result is I come back here. For that I am grateful.

Unfortunately my husband has to suffer through the process a little more painfully than my cat. Poor Christian! Though he keeps me from going crazy, my periodic catatonic state has to be incredibly frustrating. I guess that's the price he pays for having a writing wife.

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Life's Full of Surprises - Update 1

Since I've been traveling around Pennsylvania it's been difficult to blog. This has largely been because of a lack of wi-fi and an unwillingness to tendonitis in my thumbs. However, I think I've been hiding too long and it's time to bring everyone up to speed.

I've been convinced, finally and absolutely to publish electronically. I am almost finished editing. With any luck the book will be available this week, but don't be mad if there is a delay because of travel issues, conversion time, etc.

I FINALLY picked up Christian. It's definitely nice to have my husband back. Now I'm ready for everything else to get on track to the point that I am anxious to get back to California in order to get things ready.

This leads me to my final update. I'm 99.9% sure we're moving to New Hampshire in the next three weeks. This is scary, for many reasons, and incredibly thrilling for just as many others. I have missed seasons, bluntness, good schools, sarcasm, pizza, pie, apples, cross-country skiing, and folk music, just to name a few... I am excited for Christian to experience New England and understand where I come from a bit better. It will be an adventure with many things to blog about and stories to tell.

Now it's just getting the details worked out and final touches, like getting my mom's recipe for hot apple cider. Yum!!

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Love and Fake - How to Tell if You've Found the One You Should Marry

Recently I've run into a huge number of problematic romantic relationships in both friends and family.  The problem is always the same - how do I know if this person is right for me? What should I do about it?

Obviously, each person and therefore relationship is different.  However there are a few things that stay the same.  The first is, fundamentally, you will know if it is a true match or not.

I had serious relationships before my husband, but my heart and my body gave me signs these others weren't true matches. I did soul searching and was able to realize this in active conscious ways. 

Here are some signs the person is wrong for you.  In this list, any single of them may indicate this is the wrong person, and a combination most likely means you should not be with them. However, all relationships are different and you should of course communicate with your partner about these concerns before taking evasive actions:

1. You are disgusted by them.
2. You aren't attracted to the person physically (even if you do still 'care about them').
3. You feel trapped.
4. You find yourself sabotaging the relationship.
5. You have changed in a way that makes you feel bad about yourself.
6. You are denying parts of yourself in order to make that person happy.
7. You have different expectations of life.
8. You have conflicting goals.
9. You lie about what you are doing, who you're with, or where you are to your partner.
10. You are having a relationship with someone else behind your partner's back (cheating).
11. Your fights are abusive in some way (physically, emotionally, or sexually).
12. You are obsessed with them to the point where you have lost some of your personhood.
13. At least one major deal-breaker issue has arisen between you.
14. Your partner has created rifts between you and your other relationships (where none needed to exist).
15. You are sad, sick, or angry any time you are around your partner.
16. The other person is experiencing any single or combination of these things towards you.

And here is the list you may have been hoping to see, how you know you are right for each other.  This list is more of a "all these things should be met" list (although every relationship is different, so some signs may not be present - though a majority should!!!), as opposed to the above where a single sign can be indicative of a major problem:

1. You never tire of each other.
2. You want to tell each other every little thing that happened in your day.
3. You wake up every morning and smile because you're spending your life with that person.
4. You communicate all your feelings and concerns to that person.
5. You fight (this means you're talking!) without being degrading or disrespectful.
6. Your relationship is equal parts give and take for both partners.
7. You are respectful and loving towards one another.
8. You are best friends and lovers.
9. You have similar life expectations.
10. There are no deal-breaker scenarios with your potential spouse.
11. You share one another's goals and are supportive of each other.
12. You agree on whether or not you will have children and how they will be raised.
13. Even if you don't like his/her family, you make an effort to spend time with them (you don't marry just one person - you get the whole package!).
14. You love them despite their character flaws, and even because of them.
15. You imagine yourself growing old with this person.
16. Marriage and/or kids with this person excites you.
17. Your partner feels the exact same way you do on all counts.

These are not comprehensive lists, but they definitely give you a good way of being able to quickly assess whether or not you and your partner are a good match.  Many people experience signs and don't realize why they get divorced after only a year of marriage.  Sometimes this is because they ignored the signs, weren't ready to address them, or didn't connect them to their relationship.

It's important to assess your relationship before you get engaged.  This will help you determine if getting engaged is even a good idea.  By figuring this out early you will save you and your partner a lot of time, money, and stress.  But remember, even if you have already become engaged, you're not officially married until the papers are signed.  It's better to find out while you're engaged that you're not right for each other than it is to face a divorce several years later.

Marriage should be an amazing and wonderful thing.  So many people rush into it without fully understanding what is involved or why they even think they should get married.  If you go the extra mile and really examine your relationship with your partner, you'll be doing everyone a favor by proving you really are a true match.

Coast to Coast - California or New York?

As many of you may know, Christian and I are in the midst of transition.  I like to call this summer our "geographical interlude" because we simply don't know where we might end up living.  This is even more pressing because of the conversation I had with Christian yesterday. It went something like this.

"So how do you feel about Troy?"
"Huh?" I thought about Greece for a minute before it hit me. "You mean Troy NEW YORK? Like across the Hudson from Albany?!"
"Yes."
"There's a BMW Motorcycle shop there?"
"Yes."
"They have work during the winter?"
"Actually yes."

We went back and forth about the details of such a change.  The pros and cons were weighed against the other location possibilities.  The biggest cons are of course, our family and the snow.

I like the Hudson Valley.  It's a good place.  I enjoyed growing up there.  I know a lot of wonderful people and there are many things to do between Troy, Schenectady, and Albany. Plus, it's not a bad place to have kids.

California is a beautiful place.  I love it out here.  I love the salty ocean air and I love the palm trees.  I love fruit all year round and blue skies.  I love my parents. But of course, this place is ridiculously expensive and the infrastructure is broken.  I don't relish the idea of my kids going to California public schools, especially when I know there are places that have college like electives in high-school.

Then again, the question remains where we want to be in order to achieve our goals as a couple, and I'm not sure what location would be best in order to do that.  Christian wants to own a shop - at least one - so the question remains, where would be best to do this? I want to have a couple small businesses myself.  We can't really begin these things until we're settled in a place where we want to stay for any length of time.

Still, the idea of being in the capital region is an interesting one.  I like the idea of having seasons (even if winter and mud aren't my favorites). I like the idea of being in a place that is small enough that I can have the city and the country without too much hassle.  There's water and mountains.  There's culture and low cost of living. But there is snow...lots of snow.

Christian has never lived in snow and part of me wonders if he would be okay with it.  He's always been on the West Coast. Most of that time has been spent on the California coast, with only a short period in the Arizona desert. Seasons are a different kind of animal.  Snow is something that Christian has experienced, but he's never really lived in it.  He hasn't been in a place that was as dark and cold as New York is from November through January.  Part of me worries that he would hate it.  I really don't relish the idea of moving across the country only to find that I will be moving back in a year.  I'm tired of moving like this.  I desperately want to be still.

Nothing has been decided, and we have a lot more information to gather before we come to a final conclusion.  It is a lot and frankly I'm wide-eyed while holding my breath. I just pray for the best thing for all of us.  Say a prayer and cross your fingers!

Uterus = Win: Controlling the Hysterical Sex

One of the things that struck me, forcibly, at WonderCon was the fact that in competitions, women win.  In fact, in just about anything, women win.  This is doubly so for hot women.  If you have a uterus and any kind of special power at all (including the average list of human traits and abilities - not just flying or moving things with your mind), in the face of most nerd boys, you win. 

As someone who wants to be known for my own merits rather than the fact that my body is the shape of an hourglass, I find this a little disturbing (not to mention that something must be seriously wrong when a person worships any single person or group wholeheartedly). Still, I do want to be known for my merits.  I don't want to be worshipped because of my reproductive organs, but then again, I also don't want to be stepped on or tortured for them either.

Recently we've been listening to the book, Don't Know Much About Mythology by Kenneth C. Davis as we drive back and forth between Buellton and Santa Barbara.  The book has gone through any number of cultures and their myths, history, and the interplay between them.  I found myself particularly interested in the change that occurred when cities began developing and specialization happened.  It is a commonly held theory (which has significant evidence) that humans were matriarchal in our early history, and then became patriarchal. Based on my own experience and countless historical facts, legends, and stories, I would say the reason the change occurred was because men wanted to control women's ability to reproduce.

This has been a battle for as long as civilization (not humans but civilization) has been in existence.  Along with the single organ in humans solely made for pleasure, women alone have the amazing ability to create life. It is one reason why so many women take fertility drugs, have acupuncture, and try all manner of things in an effort to be pregnant.  Creating life is the thing that differentiates women from men.  This is why our bodies are different, our chemistry is different, and our perspective on life is different.  It's no wonder some women freak out when they are infertile, because what is a woman who is infertile? It questions the nature of her identity.

Men have to deal with this difference.  Its true that some men come to terms with the fact that women and men are different, and are relatively easy on the other sex.  The problem comes with culture and those men who aren't able to come to terms with the fact that women should have control over their own bodies.

Across the world, certain men (and those who support the status quo) as well as masochistic idiotic women are arguing against equality and women's ability to control their own bodies.  This takes a number of forms.  From lack of access to proper healthcare, and birth control, to lack of sufficient legislation and advocacy for those abused or assaulted - women are regularly fighting an uphill battle for equal levels of support with men.  Yes, our bodies are different (and a bit more complicated!) and we've been second class citizens for a long time so I think we deserve a little extra help as far as basic protections are concerned. 

Some people would say this is a feminist rant.  I think that's disingenuous. Yes I am pro-women, but more than that, I'm pro-people.  I don't hate men - in fact I like them, and most women would agree with me (just like most men like women). I did marry a guy. 

The problem is that all people aren't getting what they need.  Some of them have been singled-out.  When you're in a system, sometimes it is hard to see that you are contributing to it - just like many American whites may not have realized they were actively supporting racisim in the 1950s, many men and women (unfortunately) don't realize they are supporting female subjugation.  For this reason, I urge you to take a minute and think hard about how you think about women, men, and the laws that are being thrown around by state and federal legislatures. Women might win in comic conventions, but we're losing where it really matters.

Long Distance - Thank GOD for Cell Phones

The dust has settled leaving three thousand miles between Christian in New Jersey and me in Santa Barbara.  Yesterday, my mother-in-law drove us down to LAX to depart California for 2.5 months.  The drive back was riddled with shopping excursions, brunch, and a visit to Christian's grandma's place.  It was fun and kept my mind off what had just happened.  Not like it was real or anything.  After all, he had only been gone a couple of hours.

But even today I find myself feeling differently than I expected.  I don't mean to say that I don't miss him, but rather, I'm not worried about losing him.

The last time we were apart we were still dating.  When you're dating there is always the feeling like the person you're with might cheat on you, leave you, or just let the relationship peter out. Marriage CAN be like that, but only if you're not doing what you're supposed to be doing.  A healthy marriage doesn't have those problems - plus you're legally bound together. You can't just walk away.  There are quite a few hoops to jump through as opposed to when you're dating.  Dating doesn't require any formal process.  You could break it off at any time.

So while we're apart, I just don't feel the impending doom I used to feel when we were apart before.  Granted, it hasn't been very long yet. It also doesn't hurt that Christian and I are best friends and can't help but talk to each other daily which maintains our relationship over the distance.

It gets me thinking about how spoiled we are.  Not only do we have this awesome marriage, but we live in a time and place where communication is instantaneous.  I can email, call, text, or chat with Christian the second I feel so inclined. We can talk several times a day if we like. I can't imagine living when my grandmother was young and having to suffer the speed of hand written letters.  The idea is frightening to me now - waiting to hear from Christian for a week?! What if something should have happened to him? I wouldn't know it for so long!  Yes, there were telegraphs and phones weren't unheard of, but a letter was much more likely. Less than a hundred years later, personal communication devices make it possible to watch and hear a person thousands of miles away.  Weird... and... thank GOD! Think I'm going to go chat with Christian now.

Moving, Distance, & Writing - Trifecta of Anxiety

I've been having trouble writing for the last couple days.  I think this is for several reasons.  First and foremost, my in-laws are coming today and they're taking all our stuff.  We will literally be sleeping on an air mattress for a week.  I'm not even sure how many chairs we'll have.  That, ironically, will put an additional damper on my writing because let's face it.  A netbook isn't very ergonomic during the best of times, let alone when you're slumped against a wall with it on your lap.

Secondly, I'm excited and anxious.  I'm going to be in Santa Barbara for two months while Christian will be across the country in New Jersey doing his BMW STEP program.  I'm excited because I'm glad I'll be able to spend time with my family.  I'm anxious because I want to be able to do  something while I'm there.  I hate being bored and I'm worried about being able to find a summer job.  More than wondering what I'll do while I'm there, I'm concerned about being away from Christian for two months. 

It's true that we lived across the world from one another while I was in India for six months.  But it nearly broke us apart and it was one of the most emotionally turbulent times in both of our lives.  Literally, the death of one of Christian's friends is what saved our relationship (sounds weird and twisted, but it's true). 

Needless to say, two months with cell phones and a three hour time difference is nothing like being across the world without an easy way to call one another. Still, it will be the longest we've been apart since we have been married, and we are a couple that is glued to the hip.

I am one of those lucky people who married their best friend.  We hang out everyday and we love it.  We dance in the grocery store and decide at the drop of a hat to go on hiking adventures.  We mock bad movies, experiment with new recipes, and share in household responsibilities. I calm him down when he's freaked out and he does the same for me.  We've definitely had our ups and downs, but over all, I couldn't have been more blessed than I am with our relationship. 

Many people might welcome the chance to be away from their spouse for several months straight.  It gives them a break from the bad choices they made.  On the other hand, I know I'm going to have to be busy all the time so I don't think about the distance between us.  From the times when we've been apart, even for a short time, I know everything that happens, I will have to tell Christian.  There will be something that will happen on a given day when I will wish I could share a knowing look with Christian because only he would understand why I'm laughing.

It makes sense then, that I'm having difficulty focusing on writing when I'm about to be relegated to sleeping on an air mattress (followed in quick succession by the hardest futon on which I've ever been unlucky enough to sleep), and then be away from my other half for two months.  Writing is probably number 3 on my mind.

I'm still thinking about it.  I pick up the story every now and then, write a thousand words, and then frantically play speed solitaire to get my mind off things.  Hopefully Santa Barbara will bring a slight calming effect and I can settle into a bit more of a writing routine. Cross your fingers!

FYI: I'm hoping by the end of May to have The Brothers available in an ebook form on all the major sites.  For those of you with e-readers, please spread the word and set aside a few bucks for it! Cover summary is coming soon! :-)

Marriage is Awesome - Owning a Cat Before Having a Kid

My favorite goof at Twin Peaks

I realized recently that Christian and I have been together for almost five years (three years of marriage this August).  Life's not perfect, I'll be the first to admit it. We're not exactly rolling in it, and we both have a ways to go professionally.  We have lots of things we want to accomplish.  We piss each other off, and I know we both regularly annoy one another (I would wager I annoy him at least once a day).  Still, we work.  I know this because every time we go on an adventure, before it starts, during, and when it's done, I feel warm and fuzzy and my face is covered in smiles.  Our relationship is an argument and supportive evidence for marriage.

I know that some people choose their spouses for prestige, money, or appearances.  Some choose their spouses as a result of a series of poor choices and end up being miserable because of it.  It's no wonder that so many people think marriage is a miserable state of affairs.  I can't imagine being with someone less funny, silly, or intelligent than Christian.  Everything is fun, everything an adventure. Everything is surmountable. Playing a game of gin rummy or scrabble and a glass of wine is enough to make an evening.  Talking for hours about movies, music, politics, or religion is still interesting. We're still discovering things about one another. That's when you know you've found someone who is worth your time. 

When you've found someone who makes you feel like Christian makes me feel - someone who makes you excited to see what will happen in your relationship in two, eight, or twenty years time - that's when marriage makes sense.  That and when you want to have kids.  Kids need stability and nothing says stability than marriage.  It's a commitment, or at least, that is how it should be.

Java - the cutest kitty EVAR

We have the commitment thing down, we just don't have kids - at least not right now. Lately Christian has been fixating on babies more than I do, and that's saying something because I have a serious baby bug.  He shows me pictures of babies and music videos with babies exclaiming how incredibly cute they are.  He points out half of all the toddlers and babies that we pass on the street (I point out the other half), smiling at them and making faces to get them to giggle.  It's all we can do to shower our cat with the excess "baby" love to stem the tide of baby bug feelings (It should be noted that we're equally concerned about our financial solvency at this point in our lives and that while children come up in conversation maybe every other day, we talk about art and music daily - I swear!).

Some people might think that having the intense need to procreate is weird, sad, or wrong.  They might say that it is crazy and possibly laughable considering the state of the world.  Those might be the same people to be in miserable marriages. They might be focused on how too many stupid people are breeding. I don't know.  I don't care.  All I know is that we have a super lucky and incredibly spoiled cat. When we're finally ready to have kids, they're going to be lucky too, because Christian and I are so committed to each other as we will be to our family.  It's nice to have such an awesome relationship.  I wake up everyday with a smile on my face.  I wholeheartedly recommend it. I also recommend cat ownership as a child substitute.  It really helps.