The Excitement of Adventure

San Bruno Mountain Reserve 2012

This post is part of the Open Book Blog Hop (begun by author P.J. Fiala) where you can learn more about authors and bloggers. The theme this week is fun.

My "fun" is limited. I'm a bit of a workaholic and a stay-at-home parent of an active toddler, which means 99% of my time is spoken for. I have to plan every part of my day and week just to make sure I can shower and brush my teeth. When I do get a spare minute, I am usually so tired, all I can do is watch the latest sci-fi creation out of Canada.

That said, when my husband is off work, we do family or date things. This often involves hiking, short excursions, and or movies. Today we went to the beach, took a long walk, and had a picnic. Afterwards we got frozen yogurt at a DIY yogurt bar. That is a pretty typical example of our family time.

Before Kiddo, however, things were a little different.

Halloween Shiny Toy Guns concert, Bako 2011

I really enjoy dancing - salsa, hip-hop, techno, swing, waltz, whatever. It brings me joy. I also love live music, especially funk and folk (though my interests are pretty varied). Dinner and dancing or a concert would be an ideal time for me. I also really enjoy art openings, festivals, and museums for daytime fun. So if I was childless and wanted to have some staycation-style fun, this would be it.

But more than this, I love adventuring. An adventure for me could be hiking, camping, or just exploring a new town. When I lived in the Bay Area, we would go on a different hiking trail every weekend, and often explore a new section of the Bay. Every weekend was a new adventure, and I absolutely loved it.

We try to do that everywhere we live. When we were in Phoenix, we would take a day in different parts of the city. We went to the mountains. We went to Sedona. We went to Tuscon. When we lived in Bakersfield, we explored Tehachapi. We sussed out all the cool spots. We went to Lake Isabella.

Now that we're in Santa Barbara County, it's hard to feel like there is any adventure left, because we've both lived in the area for significant portions of time. Having our son brings an element of newness to the place, but it's not quite the same. I'm still getting used to the change and embracing it. The next big adventure is scheduled for late September when we'll be camping in Big Sur with Kiddo and going to the Monterrey Bay Aquarium. While I've been to both places when childless, I am excited to share them with my son and experience them as a family. It is different. There won't be dancing or concerts. Our pace will be slower, but I will get to experience it all through Kiddo's eyes. To see his joy when watching jellyfish tanks or when feeling the tide pool exhibit will be wonderful.

What do you consider fun? Leave a comment below! 

Tracy

Speaking of fun, check out chick lit and women's fiction author Tracy Krimmer. Her new book, Jay Walking is on pre-order on Amazon. You can read about this, her other novels, and check out her blog at her site here! Also be sure to like her Facebook Author page here.

 
Also, if you're interested in joining our blog hop, link up below!

An InLinkz Link-up

Until All Are Equal - Feminism

The internet is full of fail. It allows idiocy to multiply like a virus and collect into little pools of festering infection. First, let me remind everyone: USE YOUR CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS. It is always a good idea to consider arguments thoughtfully especially if they are well structured and supported by sufficient evidence, regardless of your own opinion.  This is how we learn and grow and that is always a good thing.

Always consider a situation and the definition of the words being applied. Does the situation actually fit the words being applied? Or is the person making statement after statement with malapropisms? In other words, does this person actually know what he or she is talking about?

Just saying.

Now to brass tacks.

Let's remind one another, ladies and gentlemen, why FEMINISM is not the "F word." Feminism is not MAN-HATING or "Feminazism." That is female chauvinism and NOT the same thing (I think we all agree chauvinism is bad...equality is good). Let's also remind one another that FEMINISM is about a set of ideals - a philosophy and a movement. It is about EQUALITY in PUBLIC and PRIVATE spaces for EVERYONE.

If a woman has NOT experienced discrimination or violence because she is a woman, I can only attribute this to one of three things: sheer luck, lack of life experience and/or exposure to the world (i.e. too young), or obliviousness to her own situation and those of women around her.

If a man has not witnessed or met a woman who was discriminated against or attacked because of her vagina, then he can only be too young or oblivious (not asking the right questions or "calling a spade a spade" as it were).

Women, you need feminism because

1. You like being able to vote.
2. You like being able to drive.
3. You like being able to have your opinion weigh the same as someone who has a penis.
4. You like being able to choose if and when you want to be a mother.
5. You like government protected parental leave.
6. You enjoy being able to work...in any industry and any organization.
7. You enjoy making it to upper management (or at least having the possibility to).
8. You like being able to go to college and study whatever you want to achieve whatever goals you have.
9. You want to be able to get the same wage for the same work as someone with a penis.
10. You enjoy being able to wear pants, shorts, skirts, and pretty much anything you want at any time ANYWHERE - seriously... think Saudi Arabia people.
11. You enjoy being taken seriously. Seriously.
12. You want to be seen as a person, as opposed to a walking vagina to be possessed or used.
13. There are still women in this world who do not have access to all the  the above mentioned things.
14. Daycare is still not provided by all employers.
15. Women who take themselves out of the workforce during childbearing years have a difficult time being hired after. 
16. Women are still not trusted to know how to give birth in the US and around the world.
17. Women are still not allowed control over their reproduction in the US and globally.
18. Women are more likely to be the victims of sexual abuse (3 in 10) than  men (1 in 10).
19. Women are much more likely to experience violence at the hands of their partners than men.
20. Women worry about being physically safe with men. Men don't feel that way about women.
21. When saying that someone abused you sexually, society is predisposed to call you a liar and an opportunist unless there is physical proof.
22. "Cunt" is still worse than "dick."
23. "Whore" is a slur. "Pimp" is a compliment.
24. Women are less likely to vote for a female candidate to office.
25. We have been so conditioned by the idea that we can't do certain things that WOMEN REINFORCE the status quo.

Men need feminism because

1. Men can't stay home if they want to (without worrying about societal pressure and stigma).
2. Men like parental leave.
3. Daycare is still not provided by employers.
4. Imbalanced power dynamics foster resentment and subversion by the less powerful.
5. Men (and women) want whole, supported partners.
6. Having an empowered partner means a happier relationship (Ever met someone who had control over their own life who was upset about it? Really?).
7. Men need to know how to be male without being violent or aggressive towards women (read: television, video games, movies, and popular music).
8. Men need to be able to explore their own identities and roles (son, husband, father etc).
9. Diversity of perspective leads to innovation which can lead to better solutions (i.e. dialectics).
10. Everyone is more productive when they are supported and empowered (Think of your sisters, wives, mothers, and daughters here.).

All feminists are not the same, but saying that we don't need feminism is like saying we don't need to worry about racial equality. Sorry, but there is still a whole lot of racism in the US and the world, and there is STILL a lot of sexism in the world.

We definitely need feminism.

My Stay-at-home Mom Plan

Okay. It's official. I have a plan on how I can make staying at home work for me and for us.

Granted, my plan is loose and fancy free, and I haven't worked out all the kinks, but it's there. It is undeniably present in my head.

My plan is comprised of different parts, which over time will work together. It is a process and I expect it to take some time to lead to any consistent revenue, but I'm not going to let impatience blow me off course. I'm also not absolutely certain I will follow this plan. I may decide to throw out huge chunks of it in favor of focusing on one thing over another...we'll have to wait and see.

So what is this much lauded plan? Here goes nothing:

1. I will complete my Summer Writing Challenge. The books from said challenge will be promoted (Look for giveaways and sneak peaks in the future - that is FOR SURE!). I'm hoping to have some book tours involved, or blog hops, or something. This portion of promotion will take a little bit of work, because I need to connect with a few bloggers to make it happen, but I've been researching blogging networks and I feel confident I'll be able to find a few people interested in hosting something.
2. I am seriously considering an email/subscriber list type deal, which may involve some free tips/stories/and if I can make connections with products etc, possibly discounts (that would be AHmazing!). I'd like this to be more connected to my writing as opposed to other topics, as first and foremost I am a writer (though my readers seem to be most interested in my perspective on pregnancy...hmm).
3. I will begin looking for brands/services etc to review (as they relate to content on my blog ONLY - so possibly parenting related, possibly writing related, possibly politically/socially/environmentally related - this is a little open and will depend on how my interests continue to develop.).
4. I will attempt to connect with products and services that may interest visitors to my blog and possibly sell advertising space in the sidebar.
5. I am working with another writer/editor to start a webzine type of site which will hopefully lead to another consistent revenue stream through reviews and affiliates.

Already I've started looking into these different areas and I have a few ideas on how to get started. I know it will take some work to get things going, and I know I will probably have some trial and error before I'm able to find things that work well consistently.

As I work through this plan, you'll continue to get updates about my books (SWC posts), see changes to the blog (likely in the next few months), and hear about different articles on other sites. As part of the book launches, I'm also considering putting together some swag (totes...shirts maybe?).

A secondary consideration is separating my blogging into different sites (one for pregnancy and parenting and one for writing and related issues). This is something I am seriously considering because I'll be able to better tailor my posts to my readership (I know this will be annoying at first for those of you who have gotten used to reading pregnancy posts here, but I think it might work better to help to build brands.).

So here are those questions - (and *please* comment!) - would you rather see my pregnancy posts on a purely pregnancy/parenting blog? Would you rather my writing posts were separate? And, how do you feel about swag? :-)

A final question, what kind of giveaways would be exciting to you?

I can't wait to read your comments (twitter mentions are good too!)!

Stop With The Unsolicited Baby Advice!

Pregnancy and parenthood are two things everyone feels is everyone's business. And maybe on the extreme ends of the spectrum that's true. When a person is obviously beating their kid, yeah, it's our business. When a person is smothering their kid to death or spoiling them rotten, yeah, it's probably our business. After all, we have to deal with the consequences of those kinds of choices as a society. Morally in the worst parenting situations we need to step in.

But what about those choices that are a little less societal? What about those micro choices? What about those choices that above all impact the chooser rather than everyone else? Do we have the right to swoop in and offer ridiculous amounts of advice just because something worked for us with one or two kids in our particular context?

That's some bullshit.

Just like every pregnancy is different, and every birth is different, so is every parent. Every family is different because the combination of people involved is unique. Yes, the extremes are of concern. Yes there are generalities we can make (like how eating balanced food and exercise are generally good for everyone - duh! Of course!). HOWEVER, I am not foolhardy enough to go in and say I know what is best for my neighbor. I don't know their kid. I don't know their parenting style. I don't know how they approach conflict or what they value or what their love languages are. How the hell can I come in and give unsolicited advice and think it will be useful, let alone welcome?!

So, let's make sure everyone gets one thing straight: I'm going to do what I'm going to do. I've already made my decisions about what I can do and what I will not do when it comes to pregnancy, childbirth, and parenting. These choices are based on several things:

1. Personal preference as it relates to communication, life expectations, personal experience, and values.
2. Research and conclusions by experts in various fields (which believe it or not, includes childbirth, baby gear, sleep training, breastfeeding, and diapering not to mention half a dozen other things!).
3. Finances - which will be more limited as I will be staying at home rather than working outside the house.
4. Space - which again is limited because we currently live in a loft apartment.

So, if you have similar preferences to mine AND experience with a tight budget AND having a baby in a small apartment, then yes I want to hear from you. But if you're living in a 5 bedroom house with a 2 car garage, a maid, and over $200k annually, then please - SHUT UP!

Let's get another thing straight: yes I may be a first time mom. Yes I know I don't know everything that will happen or how every single minute of every day of parenthood will be. That said, I've read about all kinds of things. I've done my research, reading experts and studies. I've seen documentaries. I've visited non-profit sites with all kinds of information about all kinds of things. Add to this the fantastic role models I've had (yay Mom and Dad!), and I feel like I'm as prepared as I can possibly be in the developing world.

My kid will be just fine. Yep. Pretty sure about that.

Keep in mind, I've planned for this. This wasn't accidental. I know I'm in for a ride. I know this is life-changing. I'm prepared for that to happen. I've done it before in different ways. I can do this. This is MY party. It's MY experience. Let me have it. If I need help, believe me, I'll ask. I'm not shy. But please, just wait for me to ask!

Looking For Opportunity in a Forced Stay-at-home-mom Hand

The Real Face of Stay-At-Home Mothers: Those Who Have No Other Financial Option - Forbes

I found this article because being this side of 20 weeks makes the issues of financial stability that much more pressing - that much more frightening.

Today when I got home from work, Christian was looking at other apartments. We don't want to move yet, because I'm so close to my job now (let alone the birth center), but come July when my contract's up we may have to.

We're also looking at the retirement accounts that we've acquired which have been losing money for years. When you're not making enough interest to cover inflation, it doesn't make sense to continue doing what you've always done. Does draining those accounts scare me? Yes. Absolutely. Am I more concerned about paying less interest on our student loans and being able to pay for essential baby gear? Yes. Absolutely.

And like the women the Forbes article cites, I find myself in a situation that is less of a choice and more forced at this point in our lives.

Unlike the supposed new face of SAHMs, I'm not foreign-born. I am younger, but certainly not the youngest mother-to-be on the block. The economy may be coming back, but I happen to live in a place where many of my skills are redundant. The Bay Area is flooded with young, highly educated people - many with less experience who are willing to work for less money. 

Who needs someone who studied interfaith dialogue? Politics? Art? Who worked in education without a teacher's certification? Who doesn't have a doctorate? Who has no interest in being a corporate stooge?

When I was looking for full time work, there wasn't any. Even the jobs that were in line with my professional experience weren't interested in me for whatever reason. I guess I didn't know enough people in the area or whatever. Regardless, I decided to give up on full time work to pursue something else - the result of which is partially this blog (the other half being my books which you should buy and read - of course!).

Now I find myself in a position where my hand is forced. I DO want to stay at home, actually. I want to have time with my kiddo. I want to see every first. But I also don't want to become lonely, depressed, or crazy (or any combo thereof). And unfortunately, that is a real possibility.

I grew up having everything I wanted. My family went on regular vacations. I didn't have 20 sets of lessons, but I spent my time in self-directed exploration with kits, tools, and crafts my parents gave me. I had my own room.

As of right now, I can't give those things to my child and it pains me. It pains me that I feel like they will have a worse life than I did.

I know other couples have started with less and ended up doing remarkable things. My parents went from a parsonage with piddily salaries in Philly to living in their own condo in Santa Barbara wine country. Christian's parents worked hard and went from renting a tiny place outside of Camarillo to owning a sizeable house in Santa Barbara. Neither was (or even is) easy. Still they did it. It's not impossible, or at least it didn't use to be. But I don't want to get ahead of myself on the cynic train...

So I remind myself that life leads us in directions we cannot anticipate. I remind myself that J.K. Rowling wrote some of her books on bits of napkins when she was a struggling single mother. Other writers have dealt with scores of rejections and gone on to do great things and have best sellers (even with some of the books that were originally rejected time and time again). Other women have made SAH work for them even with only one income that was lower than the national median.

I can do it. I know. I can be strong. I just don't want to have to be. I feel like we've been doing this our whole marriage and I want a solid break. I want my time of blatant abundance to arrive already. I want zero debt, healthy investments, and a fat savings account. I want vacations to places I've never seen that involve visiting museums or taking lessons that cost more than free because I can afford it.

I want more than I grew up with.

I think this is a more common occurance than many would like to admit. Perhaps we were brainwashed so well we thought we could have a loving marriage, a nice house, well adjusted kids, AND healthy finances. Maybe the truth is we can't have all those things. Maybe we have to let go - be more zen and less attached to these ideas of what happiness and security mean. If I can open myself up to possibilities and begin to dream of ways life can be more wonderful, perhaps I can see opportunities for greatness staring me in the face.

That is my personal goal - to dream of ways life can be more wonderful every day and to be open to possibility. Life can surprise us. We must remember. Every moment ends as another begins.

So yes, I am staying at home under uncomfortable circumstances at first. But I know this is a big year. I know this isn't a grim situation, but an a opportunity. I just don't know exactly what opportunity it is. I'm keeping my eyes and heart open.