What am I worth?

I have changed my tactics to writing, blogging, and book selling, in large part because I am not where I want to be. Obviously, if you're not where you want to be, you need to do something differently. As part of that, I've been reading a lot. I've joined a thousand and one groups, forums, mailing lists - you name it. I've reached out to who knows how many different blogs, writers, publicity gurus etc.

About 75% of the time these people write back, in some way. Usually it is a helpful way.

In one particular instance, it was a situation where the person was making the age old case that you have to spend money to make money.

Now between the two of us, my husband and I have a little under $40k of student debt. My husband works in an industry that does not support its employees, in fact, they kind of shit all over them and then stomp on them, no matter how well trained they are. Of course, he makes too much money for us to qualify for government assistance. Our parents happen to live in one of the most expensive housing markets in the country, which means we have to live with them in order to have a place to stay and food to eat. My son has health care because of the ACA. Because of where we live, we have to commute to jobs, and because of a lack of childcare, it doesn't really make sense for me to work at this point.

This is the stress I carry on my shoulders every day.

I have tried a thousand and one tactics already to get my books into readers hands, and here is this person saying the only way I can be successful is by spending money. Money. Something I don't have right now - haven't had for a few years.

I wrote the guy and he actually wrote back, and said nothing I didn't already know. I was grateful he actually responded, but the response did something to me that was unexpected. He wasn't mean, in fact, he was very professional. But it was the fact that he told me things I already knew - things I felt like I couldn't do anything about.

I broke. I just broke. Here was this guy who was supposed to be a guru and he was telling me things I already knew. I felt so defeated.

Here I was, putting every last bit of soul and effort into this - and I still wasn't financially successful. I wasn't getting reviews. I wasn't getting people to buy my books. Granted, people love the books when they read them. Any time I talk to people about them they end up buying a copy. And loving it. Seriously. But I wasn't connecting to enough readers. People weren't coming across my books and buying them. I had a steady trickle of purchases, but nothing to write home about.

I felt like a failure. I was ready to jump off a bridge. The thought actually entered my mind. I cried the rest of the day.

Slowly reason seeped into my consciousness.

The voice (in this case my father's) said: You might not be able to buy another domain, but you could change the landing page to allow for multiple brands.
Me: Okay, I can do that. Next week on update day I can do that.
The voice: Stop 'asking' for reviews. Call in all your chips. Tell anyone and everyone who you know has read your books - I need reviews.
Me: Okay. I can do that. I'll do that.

I started doing that. I felt a little better.

The voice came back (in this case my husband's): You already knew the things this guy told you. Keep working at this. Keep tweaking things. Write a blog post about this. You have more.

I did. I felt even better.

The voice came back a third time (in this case the one in my head): There are more things I haven't done. Try them. See this through. I have a purpose. I am enough.

So here I am. I have a purpose to my writing. I want to educate empathy - specifically compassion. I want everyone to know what is possible in books, with characters, with life. I want to be a catalyst for social change. I want to leave a legacy for my son. This is my purpose.

When there is a purpose, things happen. I believe that. I have everything I need to realize my purpose. I believe I will encounter those driven to work with me. There are no accidents. No coincidences. There is will, and therefore way.

I am sharing all this because I know I'm not alone. My situation is one that has played out many times before over the centuries. I know every modern author isn't in quite as dire of straits as I am. A lot of writers have day jobs, or spouses who essentially sponsor them. I know a lot of people do not need their writing to work for them. And it is nice to have that. There is comfort in that.

I am not comfortable which is why I need you to understand exactly what is at stake for me - for people like me. I need you to know me. To understand my drive. To understand why I struggle every day to do and be more.

When you read my books, understand that through everything, I am baring myself. I am giving you a piece of me to carry with you. When you read my books, you are participating in my life through the lives of my characters. That is the gift I am giving you.

Now tell me, what is it worth?

The End (A Poem)

There are so many thoughts running through my head. At first I thought I would just journal, but then I thought maybe there are some other people who are experiencing these things.

So, as a writer tends to do, I will share. This piece reflects on issues within the last few chapters of THRIVE: HOW I BECAME A SUPERHERO and serves as a reminder that even when we've gotten through part of the journey, there's always more time to be in the crucible.
***************

How can a parent consciously choose something that would be bad for their child? How can a parent willfully choose the interest of a friend, stranger, or the altar of an all-mighty idea over the best interest of their child? Their grandchildren?

How can a person not see what is in their best interest? How can a person not see what will be the best for their family? Community? City? State? Country? World?

I thought these things were obvious. I feel like they are obvious. They are so GOD DAMN OBVIOUS HOW COME YOU CAN'T FIGURE THIS OUT?!?!

It must be a lack of empathy.
It must be some an attachment to a mental self unrelated to reality. So they vote for their pretend best interest, instead of reality. This is torture.

Did you know there are black churches burning in the south? In a week. Less than every 2 days...one lights.

The mustard dried up.
And the brush burns.
What a sickly gas!

I cough and sputter when smoke blows on the wind. The sun grows dark and I close the windows hoping it passes - thankful for people trained, given full benefits, and protected by unions who brave the flames.

And it's one thing when it's a dusty canyon. It's another when it's a wooden church. A church - a place of prayer, of love, hope, and peace. A sanctuary - where people seek shelter from the storms of life, of which there are so many....crossing the mid-west it feels like pinball.

Bouncing us all around, pick a season, pick a weather - you will find it here!

And here we are. And I keep watching people on their journeys, sharing their excitement - sharing their successes and while I smile I can't help feeling I should be further along.

I was supposed to be further along.

I'm supposed to be more than I am.

I was supposed to have a house, a newer car, a career, a savings account. I was supposed to have a name for myself. I was supposed to be established. I was supposed to feel secure.

I was, I was. I was!

But I am. I still am. It is hard to read another peer bought another house. It is hard to see another peer beginning their family in safety and comfort. They don't have my worries. They don't feel my squeeze.

I remind myself this is transition. I remind myself this is not forever. I refuse to let this be much longer. I refuse to withstand this longer. I can't watch my husband sacrificing so much - so much, for so little. He deserves so much more. We deserve so much more. Our son deserves so. much. more.

I will find it. I will get it. I will have this. I have this. I got this. Just a little more. Just a little longer. By this time next year, the world will look differently.

I feel this. I know this. It sits in my gut, a burning coal.
I could choke on the smoke, but I don't.
I'm Ms. Fusion in a lake of flame.
Nothing touches my heat.

And you know, the world doesn't end with water.

************************************************
For more about my story, read THRIVE: HOW I BECAME A SUPERHERO in digital, and paperback.

As an indie author, I'm a bit like a local business and depend on the love and support of readers like you. Please check out my website and become a patron.

THRIVE Book Launch Week 9: Why Everyone Needs This Book

Despite suffering, I thrive.

THRIVE is radically different from anything I've written thus far. It is memoir - and a highly personal, highly revealing memoir at that. I share things about myself in THRIVE that I have not shared to any single person, with one exception.

Christian is the one person who knew the whole story - every detail and emotional reaction.

My friends and family knew pieces, but not everything. They learned everything the first time they read the book.

And it is not an easy read. It is painful. It was painful to write. Up until this point, I have hinted but not stated explicitly. Here I will explain why. The following is just a taste of the contents of THRIVE:

• I was molested as a toddler by an older boy.
• I suffered overt misogyny and abuse at the hands of boys while growing up, even as I suffered silently with the aftereffects of my molestation.
• I was so ill in a third world country, I brushed death.
• I suffered every kind of attack a woman can suffer - stalking, following at night, verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. I was also raped by a friend in college.
• I lived in possibly the worst apartment in the developed world, which was sold to Christian and I as a reasonable place to start married life (think: no AC in a bombed out section of Phoenix and you begin to get the picture).
• I was unemployed for more of my adult life than not, including a time when multiple student loans were coming due.
• I suffered homelessness right after giving birth to my son, and struggling to accept unrealized expectations - the American Dream was my American Nightmare.

This is not everything. This is just a peek at what THRIVE contains. The book is graphic. It is not an easy read. And yet... I lived through these things and more (for details, you need to get a copy). You would never know it if I didn't tell you.

I have done so much more with my life. I am so much more than the difficulties I've experienced. And that is what this book is about. It is about using these difficult things - taking the bad and ugly, along with the good, and becoming more than before.

That is why I wrote the book. I chose to reveal these difficult, painful things, because I could not stand one more person getting blamed for their suffering. I could not stand to sit by, watching people around me not understanding the depths of pain that any person might experience, despite their station in life. I couldn't stand watching others ruined by difficulties. How could I let someone else struggle longer than they needed to when I could show them a way to not only manage, but harness their suffering? How could I stand by when I had strategies and tools at my disposal that could make a difference in the lives of individuals and their communities?

I couldn't. I couldn't any longer. I want my legacy to be something my son can take pride in - that will be a force for positive change in the world. To do that, I had to lay myself bare. I made myself vulnerable. And I know my life flies in the face of what many people think is reality. Which is exactly why I had to write THRIVE - because people have to know. Everyone needs to understand what is possible - both the levels of hidden suffering, and the potential power gained through such experience.

So please, for yourself, for your community, for your friends who have not yet broken their silence - read this book. It will open your eyes.

*********************************
LAUNCH UPDATE

Last week was big for me. I got a lot of big things accomplished.

• Published THRIVE in paperback.
• Published TRANSFORM TO THRIVE in paperback.
• Updated my author website.
• Finished revamped covers of Books 1-3 in KHLOE ALWELL series.
• Drew cover drawing for Book 4 in KHLOE.
• Finished coverart for Book 4.
• Published 2nd edition of THE BROTHERS on Smashwords.
• Published 2nd edition of LOVERS AND RIVALS on Smashwords.
• Blogged.
• Uploaded link to Patreon.
• Got 75% revamp of LILITH done.
• Pitched articles related to THRIVE to 2 different sites.
• Wrote and submitted guest post to a blog, set to go live in early July.
• Researched possibilities for audio books.

This week I would like to:

• Submit some more posts related to THRIVE
• Confirm when I need to follow up with people/media about pitches being accepted.
• Finish LILITH revamp and publish 2nd edition.
• Publish 2nd edition of KHLOE books to Amazon.
• Review potential publicist relationship.
• Pitch a guest post about women in fantasy.
• Get social media campaign figured out.
• Time to get videos done...about THRIVE?
• Blog
• Patreon

I hope this is another big week. I had a bit of down time over the weekend, and now I'm ready to jump back into the fray. I'm anxious to dig in.

The American Slave State or The Delusion of Freedom

Recently I got into a discussion with my husband over ideology. The question was, does personal ideology - or the way we think about our personal lives - impact political or public ideology - our behavior in the public sphere?

I would argue yes. Always.

This was a problem for Christian because he finds libertarian thought very attractive. And it is attractive, especially to Americans. The idea of being free, of being able to choose every aspect of life is a nice dream. But if a person believes this should govern their personal choices, it will impact their political ones.

Having freedom to choose whether to breastfeed, smoke, carry firearms, eat meat, or hunt are not personal choices. They are also political ones. Breastfeeding, for example, has long term health and psychological benefits to both the mother and child. It necessarily costs taxpayers less if mothers breastfeed. This is not just a personal choice any more because it impacts society at large.

Smoking has been linked to any number of health ailments. The potential cost to taxpayers is enormous. Again, it is no longer a personal choice, but a public and therefore political one.

Carrying firearms is not a question of being able to defend one's self, or even the pleasure of going to the range. In the face of children being shot daily or the mass shootings so regularly committed, it is a question of public safety. It necessarily becomes a public issues, and therefore, highly politicized.

Even eating meat is a political choice. By eating meat raised in large farms where animals are in close quarters and extreme amounts of waste are produced and dumped, sometimes to the detriment of the local environment, this becomes a political issue. This is not to mention the treatment of the workers, which necessarily impacts their physical and psychological health as well as their family structure.

Hunting, of course is a political issue as well. It is not just personal, especially when certain hunters pay to shoot from helicopters as herds try frantically to escape the rain of bullets. This is not a question of personal freedom, but necessarily impacts the environment, and therefore impacts future generations.

These are the same kinds of questions that come into play over the vaccine debate. It is quite clear the personal choice of a few have life and death consequences for the many...therefore the personal choice is not personal at all.

There is no such thing as as a strictly personal choice. All choices have far reaching impacts. All choices impact the communities in which we live. For this reason, extreme freedom is extremely dangerous.

It is often said that freedom is the cornerstone of American society. Freedom of expression and freedom of religion are often cited as benefits of living in the US. And they are. They are wonderful gifts that French and English philosophers inspired American leaders to codify into law. And I am grateful for that every day. However these are not personal freedoms. These are political ones. To think for one second that our freedom to be Baptist or Buddhist is a personal choice is delusional. The moralities associated with such a choice are inherently political - inherently impacting public life.

If this is true, then we cannot allow extreme freedom. We must control the amount of freedom people have, not as punishment  or in an effort to prevent people from being free, but to protect the rights of the weak and marginalized in our society. In short, we must limit the extreme freedom of the few in order to protect the freedom of all. These who benefit from such limitations are the victims of extreme freedom. These are the voices who are silenced by moneyed interests. These are the people who are shot, who get cancer, who suffer environmental degradation because some are given the extreme freedom to.

A society cannot be healthy when the rights of some necessarily hurt others. A country cannot hope to successfully continue when its foundation requires the subjugation of some to allow for the freedom of a few. This is not freedom. This is enslavement of the many by the few.

Legislating extreme freedom to, therefore, is a legitimation of the slave state. It is perpetuating the consolidation of power and freedom in the hands of a select few privileged members.

How does this happen? By those select privileged members spreading lies and spinning half truths to the masses. By letting us think we have freedom, by successfully deluding the many into believing we all have freedom to, we continue to allow our enslavement. We are, in short, handing our power over to our masters.

This is not a question of small or big government. This is not a question of assuring everyone has "personal" freedoms. This is a question of everyone getting their basic humanity respected and protected. This is a question of assuring that everyone has their basic needs met. This is a question of life and death.

So I remind you, the personal is by its nature political. I remind you, extreme freedom is no freedom at all. The rights of a few are not worth more than the rights of the many.

I Am Not A Surgeon But...

I am sure I can correct your heart problem. I haven't had any training, I know nothing about sanitizing surgical tools, or if something goes wrong, but I've seen E.R. I'm sure I can figure it out.

I'm not an electrician, but I'm sure I can install your lights. I mean, I have no idea how wiring works or how to make sure circuits don't overload, but it's just cutting holes in the wall and plugging things in, right?

I'm not a mechanic, but I'm sure I can fix your car. I mean, how hard can it be to swap an exhaust system on a 2013 VW Jetta?

This is what our problem is. We think it doesn't matter that we don't have training. We think as individuals we can do anything. But WE CAN'T. How can you possibly know what the right thing is when you do not have any knowledge of the subject? How can you possibly know what the right thing is when you have no firsthand experience?

Training matters. Knowledge matters. Recognizing that you don't know what the hell you're talking about is important. I'm sorry but I don't want some random person I picked up from a pub working on my teeth. I'm sorry but I don't want some random person who has no understanding of construction building my house. I'm sorry but I do not want someone who does not believe in SCIENCE making decisions ABOUT SCIENCE! I'm sorry but I don't want a man making decisions about WOMEN'S BODIES. I'm sorry but I don't want people who send their kids to private schools making decisions about PUBLIC SCHOOLS. I don't want rich people, who were born rich, making decisions about SOCIAL SAFETY NETS.

That is just stupid. It is just crazy.

Training matters. Knowledge matters. Ask the experts what they think - the people with years of training, specialized skills, and experience. Then make decisions. Doing anything else, and we're no better than monkeys playing "human."

We Cannot Rest: Claiming Our Birth Right

I have been a little busy with my writing sample. Now that I am finally finished and have sent off the first doctoral application, I can take a little break before getting on with the next. Thus it is a perfect time for a post...

In my research for my paper I discovered something: the world remains stacked against women. I was astounded at how incredibly pervasive this stacking truly is. Yes it is also stacked against minority groups and the poor, but of course, you can be any combination of these and be female. Still, minorities and low socioeconomic groups are seen as marginalized. The problem with sexism is its invisibility.

Apparently having a vagina means you cannot make as much money. It means you are less likely to get a raise or be promoted. It means you are more likely to be attacked - verbally, physically, and sexually. It means you are told repeatedly by society from every conceivable avenue that you are less, despite many people claiming this isn't so (even as their actions say otherwise).

The day when "cunt" and "dick" have the same connotation - when a man is not seen as "feminine" when he chooses stay home because his female partner prefers to work - is not yet here. The day when on site day care is so common it is expected is not yet here. The day when it there are just as many women as men in positions of authority is not yet here. The day when imprisoned mothers are given the possibility of being mothers to their children is not yet here. The day when we don't have to be afraid for our daughters' safety is not yet here. The day when women control their reproductive lives is not yet here.

Until that day arrives, we cannot rest.

We must stand up. We must join hands with those of like vision - those seeking justice - giving voice to the voiceless. We must call on the power that only women wield and stand with our friends, neighbors, and family who see a better way.

We cannot rest. This is FAR from over. Our birth right awaits. The call goes out. Will you answer?

Repeal Obamacare?! Republican Candidates Must Be Daft

If I see one more ad for Republican running for congress I may shoot myself. The thing I hate the most? "I'm on the side of the taxpayers. I'm going to repeal Obamacare."

Yeah. On the side of which taxpayers exactly?

Sorry but Obamacare is a good thing for most people. All the problems are basically because Republicans stymied the idea of a single payer system (all the complications would be erased if there was a single payer system).

Obamacare saved our health care (too bad it doesn't include adult dental! Hint hint!). We were paying 1500$ a month for Cobra after Christian lost his job. Read: we had NO consistent income. Unemployment (which has been cut by the Feds - so thanks for that!) didn't pay for it ...and while our baby may have been eligible for Medi-Cal, Christian wouldn't have been. Now we have health care for a fraction of the cost (Off the top of my head I want to say we pay around $100 monthly for the two of us!) and our baby is fully covered under Medi-Cal.
We're just one example, but there are thousands and millions of people like us who can and do benefit from this legislation.

But...if the Republicans DO repeal Obamacare...they could kill their party and we may end up with single payer after all. Considering how completely horrid they've become (thank you Kochs!), I can't say I would mourn the loss.

Poor? Then You're Bad

If you are poor, you are bad. Why else would the American society, government, and economy be set up to penalize the poor? Let's explore all the ways the poor are punished, and how this punishment keeps people impoverished, and even works to further impoverish those on the bottom.

Firstly, in a capitalist society where money is king, poverty is connected with low status. Necessarily, someone who is poor not only has little power, as capital is a type of power - a way of changing one's environment or situation - but a poor person has low status because they are labeled as a loser in the game of capitalism.

Along with "loser" label comes the associated visible distinctions. Someone with high net worth has a certain appearance - they have nice things, they have good health (because up until this point health was something someone had to buy), they have good education, good connections, and the list goes on. These things are visible to even the most casual observer in how clothes fit, their condition, to even the vocabulary and cadence of a person's voice.

This highlights the problem of quality of life. Because a poor person doesn't have the capital to take care of such needs, like preventative health care, a good portion of their income ends up being spent on emergency situations. For example, I can't afford to pay a dentist for a regular check-up so I wait until my teeth hurt and instead of getting a cavity filled, I now require a root-canal. The cavity would have cost less, but because there wasn't spare income to cover regular check-ups, the care was put off. The result is a more significant intervention that costs more time and money - two things a poor person doesn't have to spare.

Time is invaluable to a poor person. The reason is a poor person likely has to work longer hours for lower compensation. The result is someone making minimum wage at two or three jobs, and often times this still isn't enough to cover basic living costs.

The irony of this, is government programs require a person to have no assets in order to qualify for pitiful subsidies (think: $44 a week to cover food costs). So having a job that pays more than minimum wage, an IRA, or even a car can hurt the poor more when applying for food stamps (and traditionally federal medical coverage). Also, keep in mind that good food tends to cost more money. So in order to be really healthy, as a poor person, you'd have to either make more money at your job, or try to find a food pantry that gives out fresh produce.

Now that we've covered the problems with social stigma, healthcare, and government assistance, what happens to people who'd like to better themselves? That's the American dream - the myth that keeps everyone working hard; if you work hard enough, you can better yourself.

But if you're poor, that's pretty unlikely. The reason is a poor person needs resources in order to get out of poverty - resources he doesn't have.

Let's say this person has some debt because he fell on hard times (an emergency situation like an ER visit or car problems caused him to spend some credit). Debt is built to penalize the debtor. This is because the debtors ends up paying much more than the initial money credited him. This is made even worse when he can't pay.

Take a step back and think about this for a second; the debtor can't pay, so his account goes delinquent, and then we charge him more fees that he can't pay, so we charge him more fees... until his credit is shot and he has no way of digging himself out of this indebted hole.

I don't know about you, but this makes NO sense to me at all. It's one thing if a person is refusing to pay but when they simply can't afford to pay? That's crazy. And this poor credit impacts other aspects of this person's life - his ability to rent (because of course he can't buy a house, and even if he could, he probably couldn't get a loan at a good rate), to buy a car, and even to get certain jobs...

Now let's say our poor person wants to change their fate - they want a better job. But how can he get a better job?

First, he needs a computer, printer, and a phone. He needs the computer to research potential jobs. He needs to printer to print off application forms and resumes. He needs a phone so he can call employers and employers can reach him regarding interviews.

These three things are crucial, yet many are simply out of the realm of possibility for a poor person. Even one of the $99 Chromebooks is an extravagance when you're worried how you're going to buy food or pay the electric bill. And let's not even get into all the little fees and costs involved in having a smartphone, which might substitute for a computer in a pinch...

Let's say this poor person somehow, miraculously, is able to land an interview. What are they going to wear? If he's lucky, he'll find something at the thrift shop that is in reasonable condition and is actually his size. He might not be able to wash it beforehand (laundromats are more expensive to use than having your own washing machine in the long run).

Maybe our man gets the job. What is he going to wear to work? He can't wear the same outfit everyday. Is he going to find 5 suits that fit him and are in good condition at the thrift shop? It's unlikely, but it isn't impossible. But again, he needs to make the time to search for these things....time he may or may not have. He'll need to be at the store when it's open...which might or might not happen, especially if he's reliant on public transit which frequently takes twice as long as a car in most places (and his credit was so bad, he probably doesn't have a car).

In every aspect of the poor man's life, he is penalized. He has to work longer hours for less pay because he doesn't have as good of an education. He doesn't have time with his family because he has to work so long. He doesn't have as good of clothing so he looks like a lower status person to society. He can't afford to cover preventative care, which means he waits until things are emergencies and this usually results in a worse situation for his health as well as his wallet. He is charged fees when he can't afford to pay his bills which puts him into an even worse situation. This screws up his credit so he has difficulty renting an apartment or getting a loan (which makes it hard to start a business as well!). He can't get a good job because he doesn't have the communications equipment to find and apply for one, let alone the wardrobe he would need to hold it down.

All this happens when you are poor in America. Because of this, the logical conclusion is that poor people are bad and have little to no value. Why else would everything in society be set up to punish you?

Pain Destroys Concentration

Maybe some people are able to stay focused despite things going on in their lives. Those people are noble, well-practiced, or just particularly skilled.

Whatever the case may be, I am NOT one of those people.

My concentration on writing has gone to shit.

That said, late last night I wrote a bunch of poems (the longest I could concentrate on writing apparently). This morning I researched where to send press releases about Jeremiah (which I have to wait to send until tomorrow morning...early). I even reviewed and corrected my press release.

So I did get some writing related things done... just not nearly as much as I was hoping for.

Likely the next couple weeks my writing ability/focus is going to be shoddy at best. With that in mind, my posts here may be short and sweet (after all, what do I have to report? Unless I get a bunch of calls for interviews or something... :-)).

If you're curious about updates on my situation, I'll be posting them (probably nearly daily for the next couple weeks) on my Raising An Alien blog. If anything develops or changes as per my writing, that will, as usual, remain here.

Thank you for understanding and your support.

If you're wondering what you can do, buy my newest book! Rate it and review it! That would make my day (seriously)!

When You Lose It All

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you already know I asked for positive thoughts and prayers in the last day or so. If you've been keeping up with my various blogs, you know we've had a few hurdles this summer, except none of them was as big as the one that appeared this morning.

Christian lost his job.

I'm taking a deep breath now, so I can let that sink in again. It doesn't seem completely real. If I stop to think about it, I begin wondering about the logistics we face in the next month.

There are the bills we have to pay. There is the food we need in order to live. There is the fact that rent in the Bay is exorbitant and now, even with our loans on forbearance we don't have the income to support the measly loft where we currently reside. There's the fact that we have a baby on the way and I'm not sure what our insurance situation is going to look like, or if we will have to move out of the area and look for a new care provider in the last few weeks of my pregnancy. Oh, did I mention we don't have any baby gear AT ALL right now? There is no car seat, no diapers (cloth or otherwise), and no place for kiddo to sleep.

We are, more than ever before, at a crossroads. We have nothing. There is no emergency fund. There is no job waiting in the wings. We have fallen as low as we've ever fallen and there is no net (Thanks America for not believing social democracy is a thing worth pursuing! You've made this possible!).

We have three main things we can do (and I'm not even sure if they're doable):

1. Christian can file for unemployment.
2. Christian can apply for jobs.
3.  We can try to start our own business.

These could all happen at the same time. They're not mutually exclusive, and frankly, I think they're all worth pursuing at this point. As such, my writing and publishing goals are going to be put on hold while I help Christian get things going. Being able to eat, having a place to sleep, and taking care of the baby are my top priorities. I don't think I'll completely stop working on book stuff, but I doubt that I'll be able to be nearly as aggressive as I wanted to be. If I can get 3 or 4 books published this summer, considering the craziness surrounding our living situation, I'll be amazed and incredibly proud of myself.

Granted, if I still pulled off publishing 7 books I would call that something near miraculous.

Whatever the case, print versions of the books are going to be put on hold until I have money to spend on purchasing proofs (you have to order a proof of each book to check for errors, formatting etc). The cost of the proofs varies depending on the type of book (binding and size), as well as the number of pages, and whether it is in color or black and white. I'm disappointed by this, but I don't have a choice at the moment.

I can't submit stories to magazines with reading fees.

The reality of my present situation is starting to set in, especially as how this will impact my personal goals.

And it hurts.

Even though I know practically what will happen on Monday (we'll put our loans on forbearance or deferment, start the unemployment papers, apply for jobs, and begin developing a business plan) I don't know what will happen to us after that. So much hangs in the balance. This is such a big change and it is incredibly scary and painful. I have to believe there is a reason for all this. I have to believe this was a way to clear the slate, to allow for something bigger and better. After all, I have been feeling like this year was going to be a big year. Maybe this had to happen to allow for the really good stuff to come into our lives. I hope so. I don't know that I'll be able to handle a lower fall.

40 Things I'd do as a Politician

The more I read about these "austerity" measures and various things being voted into law, the more convinced I am that fewer and fewer politicians actually care what happens to us (Elizabeth, you're actually amazing and I kind of love you btw).

Because of the way politics is currently, and the incredibly judgy nature of the American public, I doubt I'll ever get into politics. But the whole scary mess before us got me thinking, what would I do if I was a politician? How would I make the world different for my unborn child?

So here's a list (in no particular order) of things that I'd do:

1. Decrease student loan interest rates. People trying to better themselves should not have to become indentured servants in order to do so.
2. Break up big banks and keep them separate from federal funds. This seems like a no-brainer, but apparently it's uncommon sense.
3. Increase corporate loan interest rates. This is a route to decreasing our debt.
4. Support capital gains tax. It's an easy way to address our national debt.
5. Repeal Citizens' United, however it needs to happen. This is just wrong.
6. Break up telecoms for trust violations and buy/possess the lines. This has been an on-going issue since the industry's creation, and prevents any real competition, much to consumers' detriment.
7. Revoke corporate personhood. Corporations are not people. They should not be treated as such.
8. Close corporate tax loops, simplifying the tax structure. Companies making profits must pay taxes. The current situation encourages large corps to be taxed no more than the average non-profit!
9. Increase taxes for high-networth individuals. To whom much is given, much is required.
10. Put low caps on political campaign spending. This would place candidates on an equal footing as well as prevent corporate interests from influencing the political process to voters' detriment.
11. Require companies to have certain number of workers in country if they want to sell products/services in country (dependent on industry and product/service). This would ensure jobs were kept in America as businesses would be foolish to lose such a market.
12. Have stricter environmental regulations and inspections for agribusiness. There have been many disturbing situations regarding agribusiness, and the industry is unsustainable in its current form.
13. Give tax credit to individuals using contraception. Population size is a concern, and so is general sexual health. To prevent unwanted pregnancies and additional burdens to tax-payers, this would incentivize pregnancy prevention.
14. Require restaurants to compost and recycle as part of health requirements. This would create more jobs and help reduce our carbon footprint (as well as enriching the soil by placing nutrient rich compost back into the earth).
15. Charge product retailers per plastic bag/paper bag (or ban plastic bags altogether). This would help decrease landfill waste and as well as ocean pollution.
16. Institute a one-payer system of health care. Socialized health care is effective elsewhere. It would give many people peace of mind (and by many, I mean the majority of the population that currently has to make job choices based on health care benefits if they are able to do even that!).
17. Require a year of service in either military or AmeriCorps (or other volunteer civil service program). By having young people do a year of civil service, we have a cheap labor force that can help correct a wide variety of projects on the community level.
18. Decrease military spending. We spend a ridiculous amount of money on the military when other parts of our nation need greater attention.
19. Pull military back from excessive engagements. We need to concentrate on issues at home rather than spreading ourselves too thin across the globe.
20. Allow schools more autonomy to address issues at local level. Schools know more of what they need than we do at the federal level.
21. Increase educational funding. This is an area that has received too many cuts and continues to suffer, thereby weakening our workforce and our ability as a nation to compete.
22. Place limits on how many residential properties one individual or entity can own. This would allow young families more opportunities to own homes, as opposed to investors owning the majority of the land.
23. Require property owners have primary residence in country, as opposed to foreign investors purchasing residential property without any kind of repercussions.
24. Require that a certain number/percentage of workers should live in the community where they work. This decreases carbon footprints from commuting as well as increasing the connections within a community (i.e. creating a sustainable community).
25. Institute a living wage. If we want a sustainable economy, we need to take care of all of our workforce. They need to be able to live while working as anything - including being a waitress or flipping burgers at a fast food joint.
26. Require paid sick time for all workers. Duh.
27. Require at least 4 weeks paid vacation (like the majority of the world!) for all workers. This is a good idea because people won't burn out or get sick as much. In short, we'll be happier - and happier workers are more productive.
28. Require paid parental leave. This helps keep able-bodied workers in the work force while allowing them financially safe time to bond with a new family member.
29. Give credentialed midwives the same status as obstetricians regarding attending low risk pregnancies (insurance coverage etc). Why wouldn't we?
30. Make contraception free for low income individuals. Duh.
31. Make contraception free without parental consent to minors. Duh.
32. Require companies of a certain size have childcare for workers on site. This is better for productivity and for workers.
33. Require companies smaller than a certain size provide stipend/voucher for daycare within a 10 mile radius from work site. Same as above.
34. Institute restorative justice programs for at the very least, low-level offenders. This is cheaper and more effective than more punitive measures.
35. Decriminalize marijuana possession (and possibly legalize, with the expectation of taxing marijuana products). This would decrease jail populations, and if legalized and taxed, the marijuana market could become another source of income that would address national debt.
36. Give community/municipality tax credits/incentives for community gardens/CSA. This is a way to build more sustainable communities as well as facilitate healthy eating habits (and therefore increase disease prevention in the greater population).
37. Institute free wi-fi in cities. This would be a part of acquiring telecom lines, and would level the playing field for potential labor. Without internet access, it is difficult to be competitive or to become educated/access services. This would address several issues at once with little cost to municipalities.
38. Would continue to protect private information, period.
39. Beef up Social Security to something that actually supports retired people. It doesn't make any sense to penalize people who have spent their lives contributing to their communities by ceasing to care for them.
40. Live in the community I represent (as opposed to owning a house far away from the people who are actually impacted by my policy choices).

Phew! That was a LOT! There are more, but these are the ones that stick in my head the most - that keep me up at night. Just imagine what would happen if these changes were actually implemented and supported by our representatives? Our country would be an amazing place. I'd actually be proud to call myself American when I went abroad...as opposed to wanting to hide to avoid projectile rotting fruit or vicious slurs.

Yes, I can't wait for the day when our representatives make choices that work for us, as opposed to hurting us over and over again in favor of corporate interests and antiquated ideas about how the world works. May I live to see that day.

Get a Job? Stop Being So Self Righteously Retarded

Somebody told me recently to get a job. What an asshole.

Here is why anyone who says something like that is a jerk and needs to take their judgemental bull and have it rubbed roughly in their face.

It is true that some people aren't really trying to work, but they are few and far between. Let me explain just how few and far between they are! One of my sister-in-law's friends owns a pizza shop. She put up an ad for a busser or something equally skilled - she got over 400 applications. Right. 400. Applications. For. A. Busser???

I am a skilled person. In the Bay Area I got a total of three interviews during the 9 mos I lived there. Since being in Bakersfield, I've gotten 3 so far (what a change - only 2 mos!). One of the jobs here I was offered. It pays a measily 10$ an hour, which for California is just north of minimum wage. I took it because I need the money, despite the fact that it doesn't speak to my skill set, nor does it pay me what I'm worth. It's a bad fit personality wise too, but again, I need the money.

So lucky for me, I was in a place with awesome skills, that I could get a job that was beneath me. That's something I can feel good about, because it isn't sucking my soul out daily or degrading to my personhood and keeping me from doing what I really want to do.

But I'm a lucky one. I keep telling myself that. I'm lucky to have this situation, right? It's a good deal...

There are people out in the world in a 1000 times a 1000 worse situations. There are people who are underemployed with no second income. There are people who can't get even a crappy job at a fast food joint. I don't know how they keep going, but they do. They are amazing to me, determined and beautiful as they trudge through the muck life has given them. I don't have the grace for that. I'm not strong enough. I'm kind of wussy that way, I'll be the first to admit it. But just because I don't have the absolute worst dalit conditions doesn't mean I can't appreciate how ridiculous it is for someone to tell me to "walk it off," so to speak.

So, if you're one of those people struggling and someone has the gall to tell you to suck it up and get a job, or grin and bear it, do me a huge favor. Punch that asshole in the nose and explain to them in no uncertain terms, they have no idea what the shit on the ground is like when they're looking down from their high horse.

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Rubbed Raw - Hoping For Better

Worn. One word to describe my present state would be worn. Another would be raw.

Yesterday was spent driving from Phoenix to Bakersfield. Of course, things were fine, except half-way from Santa Barbara to Bakersfield we realized Christian had left his helmet in SB. When we got home, my new magazine had been coated in cleaning solution making it barely legible. That doesn't include the bills piled up waiting to be paid with our low bank account. This morning I'm supposed to start a low paying job that doesn't require any skills. This, after waking up ridiculously early because my husband's cell alarm went off at 4 am.

I think there are a few people who can identify with this situation. I would rather go home and go back to sleep. Just to sleep until I was rested would be amazing. I have a sneaking suspicion the training for this job is going to be snore inducing. After that, the job itself may also feel like a waste of time to me. Yes, it's a job. And yes, I need the money. That's why I'm doing it at all, BUT if I could get away without having to do this, I would.

So it is with a heavy heart that I sacrifice writing time, sleep, and my spiritual health for a very little bit of money. Yeah. When I put it that way it sounds like a horrible idea.

Except, I do need to eat, get places, and have air conditioning in a hot place. For those more basic needs, I have to give up more complicated ones. Having worked jobs I liked that allowed me to do things, this is a tough sell.

So help a starving artist out, buy my book. Buy a painting even. Send someone my way who wants some art lessons. I'd love to be able to do something that brought joy to people's days on a regular basis.

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Back from Vacation - A Writer Stressing Over Money

Every day that I have been looking for jobs I've applied to between 4 and 5 of them. I've sifted through pages and pages of advertisements looking for something that would be at least moderately interesting and would help with the rent. And I'm freaking out.

Part of the reason I'm freaking out is because we have yet to rent out the house in Phoenix. That has been a long and annoying road on which many service people have dragged their feet every step of the way. It's a stressful thing, and expensive for us while it isn't rented. I am hoping this is the month. So I cross my fingers while I try and look for a job.

In the mean time, I'm trying to keep a calm enough mind to write. What many writers don't talk about is that time when you're barely able to pay your bills and how the impacts your writing. Let me make it plain for you - it sucks major balls.

When you worry about money, for anyone who ever has, it impacts every aspect of your life. You worry about how you will pay for your electricity. You worry how you will pay for gas. You worry about how you will eat. Then if you can buy food, you worry what you will be able to eat. This last one is especially concerning for me being on P90x because healthy food tends to be more expensive (let's not even touch the subject of whey protein powder costs).

But being poor makes it difficult to be creative. At least, for me. The energy it takes to try and address the money problem is so great, that I find it difficult to put my creative juices to writing when I feel obligated to put it towards my finances.  I don't even feel like I can use my creative energies to promote my book, and I really NEED to do that if I want it to go anywhere. You see the issue.

I am no stranger to pinching pennies, and I know this time is supposed to be coming to a close. This is a temporary situation. All I need is someone to rent the house in Phoenix OR get a job and already I would have a little more space to relax and focus on the other half of this equation. The problem is I feel like I've been living in this "temporary" situation for a long time, and I want it to be over. Ironically, the most financially stable I've ever been was when we lived in Phoenix, and that was when I was unhappiest.

May Bakersfield be a place where I am financially stable and happy. This is my solemn wish. Send good thoughts people - I really need to write!

All Things Are Not Equal - Cost of Living

So because we're in the throws of planning our next geography, Christian and I have been researching how much we would need to live in various locations.  This led to some tangential searches, in particular, a comparison of Santa Barbara to Bakersfield.

First I should mention, Bakersfield is still on the table.  I know I knocked it, and my view of it certainly warranted it at the time. However, I did go with Christian to check it out, and we saw some reasonable areas of the city, and their BMW shop is pretty awesome.  Plus there is the added benefit of being close to family, the Sequoias, and the Pacific.

Now, Santa Barbara is often compared to paradise, whereas Bako (as I have deemed Bakersfield) is compared to an armpit. Keep in mind that minimum wage is around $7 - 8 in California. That said, California is a large state with a wide variety of climates and topographies, as well as demographics. If someone is making minimum wage in Bakersfield, when we account of cost of living, it is the same as living on $36,000 in Santa Barbara. Now, if someone is living on minimum wage in Santa Barbara, it works out to be the equivalent of living on a little over $7000 a year in Bakersfield. That is roughly $3 an hour. Put this in perspective - people picking strawberries, working illegally in Bakersfield, making $5 an hour, are living better than someone on minimum wage in Santa Barbara.

I say this to put things into perspective for those who think that the poorest people in the country are trying to take advantage of a system and they should pay the same percentage taxes as the richest one percent. Clearly, someone who works toward taxing the working poor as much as the richest 1%, is evil.

We don't want to pay more for our McDonald's hamburger, which means that some people will always make around minimum wage. There will always be poor people. To that end, we need to make sure these people are cared for. Even the aristocracy cared for their serfs (granted, it may have been a bit more heavy handed, but still...). Even the dogs get scraps from the table.  Having health care, education, transportation, and food for these people is not too much to ask. If they aren't cared for, who will do these jobs? What will happen when they won't accept being stepped on over and over again? I know what I would do...

Reproductive Service Funding Cuts - Who does it hurt???

As we talk about cutting spending, think about some of the effects and just WHO is going to be impacted by these spending cuts.

For example, a lot of the Republican representatives are pushing hardcore cuts to Medicare as well as federal funding for programs like Planned Parenthood.

Let's think for a second about this situation.  The same representatives are loathe to allow people access to free birth control - be it oral contraception or condoms.  We know access to contraception doesn't change the number of people having sex.  So we are setting up a situation where more people could become pregnant, but we are taking away services they need in order to address pregnancy - from prenatal care, to delivery, to postpartum.  This means, more kids who are less healthy (if women choose to carry to term - it doesn't address the hangers in back alleys which may occur if some women are unable to have access to abortion services). And guess what? Society has to pick up a bigger tab down the road because these babies didn't get what they needed at the beginning.

This situation is totally immoral. 

And yet average people can adamantly oppose taxing corporations because they are afraid closing tax loopholes will cause corporations to leave the country.  But they aren't thinking about the consequences of that choice.

I can tell you, these corps won't leave - things like this have happened in the past and companies stayed put. And even if they did, so what?  Isn't it true that one of the things on which we pride ourselves as Americans is to get back up and keep on pushing? I think it's better that we take care of our people so that our society is healthy rather than perpetuate the gross inequality that has continued to grow since the 1950s.

Here's hoping some decision makers wake up.

When I Was Younger, I Wanted to Start a Revolution

Tonight I was talking with one of my more political friends who is working on campaigns in Louisiana.  We got to talking about our perspectives on governance, and I mentioned that I am more conservative about my ideas on "ruling." Of course, he corrected me by saying "governing." But I meant ruling.

There is a ruling class in this country, one with gobs of money and more consolidated power than is good for any single group to have.  Of course, this group of high net worth individuals makes "suggestions" as well as their own "legal" bribes to people in politics in order to protect their interests.  It's enough to make anyone feel sick.

When I was younger, I was convinced the only way to disrupt business as usual was to have a revolution.  I fully intended to start one myself, (although I prefer a nonviolent version).  So I researched it.  I studied revolution, social movements, and the most effective peaceful political changes I could find.  I studied non-violent protest strategies, violent rebellions, and the pansy reformations in between.

Through it all I became convinced the most important first step in changing something is education. The more people know about something, the more likely they will have an opinion about it.  From there it is a quick step to action. 

The second was to unite powerful demographics and organize them.  The most powerful group are true-believers, particularly religious people.  If you can align your cause with a pillar of a religion, you can convince that group of people to support the cause.  If it was something that overlapped multiple belief systems, you could have an incredibly large group of true-believers all working to address a single issue. 

Say for example you wanted to end abject poverty.  Going through the UN isn't the way.  Organizing religious groups to work with government agencies is.  With millions of people behind the cause, it would happen.  It couldn't not.  There are just too many true believers who if shown a way to change the thing, they would do it.

This brings me to now.  I'm not unconvinced that revolution isn't the way to go because the current situation isn't working.  On the other hand, I'm not sure if I would like what would happen afterwards.    I don't think people are desperate enough to resort to massive action - violent or otherwise (although Oakland and East LA would in a heartbeat). I know that education isn't working because the information is out there and accessible, but most people either aren't aware, or have no idea how to take action. 

Of course, there is always the Fight Club solution - kill the alter ego and blow up some big financial corporations.  I could do with a little jubilee.

Unions and Law - Protecting Your Brother

Let me give you a scenario.  There are two 8 yr old boys, same size, same abilities, same characteristics with one exception.  One has an older brother, let's say he's 12, and the other doesn't.  Both 8 year olds start to get picked on in school.  Let's say there's one main bully for each of the kids, and those bullies each have a little group of hangers-on, but the groups wouldn't have formed without the bullies.  Then, one day, the older brother of the one protects his younger brother.  Maybe he threatens his little brother's bully, maybe he punches him in the nose.  The end result is, the older brother promises the bully any time the bully picks on his little brother, the bully will have to face consequences.  But what happens to the little boy without an older brother? He gets beat up. Maybe if he's lucky or smart, he is strong enough to eventually deal with it, but chances are, he's going to be beat up and picked on for a long time.

People are like the little boy.  Without protection from the forces that attack us, we will be bullied.  There is nothing in check to prevent it from happening.  The bullies of people can be the government, or corporations, or individuals who act in ways that harm us.  Unions and laws that build consequences for societal bullies are like the older brother.  They protect us and enforce what is right. 

Some people will argue that unions are some kind of communist bi-product, but really, they were a reaction to the problems of capitalism.  Capitalism isn't perfect.  In fact, if taken to its illogical conclusion, it's messy, ugly, and incredibly destructive. If we didn't bail out AIG, if we didn't bail out Fanny and Freddy, what would have happened? I don't know, but it would have been messy.  If we didn't break up Ma Bell, if we didn't create child labor laws, if we didn't legislate civil rights - I can guarantee you this world would be a lot uglier.  But that is why we have unions and laws - so that kids can be kids, rather than lose their arms in a factory.  That is why we have unions and laws - so that a worker can live on the pay he or she makes doing his or her job and can't be fired for having different skin or being a different gender. 

Some might argue that I'm a radical, but to the religious people out there, I would challenge you to look at the arguments about money, and taking care of people which are made in your sacred texts.  The things I'm saying are as old as your scriptures, it's just I'm saying them in the context of today, and for some people, that's too painful to hear.

Deficit v. Tax Breaks for Rich Chart

I thought I would repost this chart, courtesy of the Christian Left (original link).

Really makes you think... we could totally fix this if we made things a little more even.  Time to be socially minded and not money hoarder richies!

Ashamed to be American - Money Problems

I can't sleep. This time I'm not thinking so much about tomorrow, my exercises, meals, or work. I'm thinking about money. I'm not just thinking about mine either. And to be clear, I'm freaking out.

I've never been more ashamed or more scared to be American. Funding is being cut to programs that are used by tens of millions of Americans rather than raising taxes on the richest. The majority of our net income as a country is shouldered by 3 million people. That might sound like a lot, but think that our country has over 300 million - its really a drop in the population bucket.

So 1 or 2% tax increase on those 3 million would have a huge impact on our state and federal coffers. It wouldn't deincentivize wealth creation. People will still have buttloads of money. Never fear! But honestly, they really won't miss it. You see, these super rich don't actually spend money - they hoard it. Money can't trickle if it isn't moving. The economy depends on money moving. So a little tax increase on people who can handle it would save our country... save our programs... and those rich people wouldn't even miss their money.

If politicians keep cutting important well loved programs which don't really impact budgets rather than addressing the problem, they shouldn't be in office. Hard times require hard choices. Politicians should be here for people, they cannot be in office for power or for big monied interests. People need to be first - not money or corporate entities - no matter what the cost.

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