THRIVE Guest Post: Insatiable Hunger

I am so excited to share this guest post by Amy Oestreicher. She is an amazing human being who embodies a superhero spirit. She THRIVES despite everything she has experienced. I hope you find her as inspiring as I do.

"Follow Your Bliss" by Amy Oestreicher

I am, and have always been hungry. When I was a child, I was audaciously, passionately hungry for life, and theatre was my nourishment. I had one goal: Broadway or bust. As a performer, I was hungry to make a difference in the world. What attracted me to the stage initially was the ability to give to the audience, to offer something of myself, to make an impact on people. I was hungry to matter, to make my mark. My days were spent making hammy home movies, begging my parents for an agent as soon as I found out what one was, and dragging them to the city for countless auditions. I was hungry for my future – I strived for the best possible grades I could, applied to too many colleges, and really believed in the endless possibilities that my life could hold for me. I was raised believing that if I set clear goals for myself, with a bit of hard work and strategy, they were achievable. – I could experience life to the fullest and reap what it had to offer me with a bit of perseverance.

I experienced 18 years of this ravenous, insatiable hunger. But weeks before graduation, I was confronted with a new, unfamiliar, frightening type of hunger. Having woken from my coma, I have a fuzzy memory of a doctor standing above me, telling me I had no stomach anymore, I could not eat or drink now, and he had no clue if or when I’d ever be able to again. And suddenly my hunger ran deep – a helplessness in a world of uncertainty where childhood dreams and goals were replaced with the drive to simply survive. I was hungry for control of my life again, hungry for answers.

There was no “road map” to recovery for me, just the monotony and angst of passing each day wondering when I’d ever be able to eat or even swallow a single ice cube. Because I had no control or crystal ball, this was merely a wish rather than a goal. Life became scary, surreal – I could pick up food, smell it, feel it warm in my hands, but was forbidden to put it in my mouth, knowing that this old, familiar friend was now poison to my now-alien body, covered in bags, tubes, and adhesives. I felt stuck in a routine that was out of my control, a pawn in a dangerous game. My new goal: getting through.

I then made a promise to myself – as long as I was going to be hungry, I wanted to keep my old hunger alive too by setting tiny goals for myself – like trying to laugh once a day. These various mini-goals I set under a larger umbrella of the bigger goal I’d manifest each day, more like a desire that with enough dedication and faith would eventually come true: To thrive rather than just survive. I refused to feel like a sick hospital patient tied up with tubes, plugged in like a lamp, bags and drains leaking everywhere. Even though this was my physical reality, I fought against the feeling that I was weak or was less than person who could walk, live, and eat freely. Not being able to sing, or leap across a stage made me feel like I wasn’t myself anymore. So I did anything I could to reclaim my identity. Hungry for myself and for life, which once held endless wonders for me, I set a goal for myself to make a daily gratitude list, even in the bleakest of circumstances.

With an intense desire to let the world know that I was still eager to make that imprint on the world, I couldn’t allow myself to listen to doctors who thought I was too weak to do anything but lie in bed. A month after being discharged from the ICU, I landed the lead role in the musical OLIVER! – tubes, bags, starving, and parched. I was so hungry for my strength back that I put myself through my own physical therapy every day, and ended up leaping across the stage in CATS. I still wanted to make an impact on my community by teaching nursery school, learning karate, and working on a cabaret act.

With a new goal of fearlessness, I didn’t let my new restrictions extinguish my passions. Rather than avoid food, I became obsessed with it and learned how to cook, starting a food blog and making Thanksgiving dinner for 30 guests, still not able to eat a morsel. I played with my hunger by creating a chocolate company, entertaining myself for hours making edible creations for the business I had set up out of sheer starvation.

Eventually, I picked up a paintbrush…and my world changed. I found a way to express things that were too complicated, painful and overwhelming to put into words. The next year, I put hundreds of mixed media and acrylic creations in an art show, displaying work that expressed everything I’ve been through throughout these seven years. I didn’t expect a turnout, but was surprised by hundreds of guests who came to see what I had done all of these years, to know that I hadn’t just got lost in the woodwork. I was still alive, still vital.

I was unexpectedly betrayed by my own body, tested, dehumanized, and put back together, but differently, like a mosaic. Throughout the struggles, I have always kept that spark of hope in the back of my throat, that I’d be able to share my story, that I have survived this trauma for a reason: to reach out to the world, like I once did as a performer for something more than entertainment. After this detour, I still just want to give to the world, and now I can in a deeper sense. Now I know that my role in life is still to be that same passionate performer I once aspired to as a child, but now with the even greater gift of a story to tell.

At 28, I still hunger to my mark on the world, perform, finish college, and not let nine years of medical complications and frustrations separate me from my dream of education, connection, and spiritual fulfillment. I will still get there, perhaps by different means, and even a different end. Now with satisfaction in my body, real nourishment flowing through me, and true appreciation of little daily blessings, anything is possible. Hunger has taught me so much and will always be my intimate companion as I continue to crave inspiration, my mark on the world, and everything life can offer me. Life has taught me that goals aren’t always accomplished…which can be a blessing in disguise. Thank you hunger, thank you life, for giving the opportunity to discover new goals I didn’t realize I could achieve or even had wanted in the first place. You have given my life unexpected meaning by breaking the bonds of expectation.

********************************

Amy Oestreicher is a 28 year old actress, musician, teacher, composer, dancer, writer, artist, yogi, foodie, and general lover of life.  Surviving and thriving through a coma, 27 surgeries and other trauma has inspired Amy to share her story with the world through her passionate desire to create and help others.  Piecing her life together after her initial dreams of performing musical theatre took on a beautiful detour into broader horizons.  Amy has written, directed and starred in a one woman musical about her life, Gutless & Grateful, has flourished as a mixed media and acrylic artist, with her art in multiple galleries and mounting dozens of solo art shows, and continues to share her story through her art, music, theatre and writings. 

More information on her unique story, as well as her creative ventures can be found at amyoes.com, and visit her blog http://www.allspiceandacrylics.blogspot.com/ for her newest art, music and inspirational musings.  You can also visit her Etsy shop at https://www.etsy.com/shop/AllspiceandAcrylics?ref=hdr_shop_menu

Help Me: Alexis and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Weekend

What I can't lose

It started on Friday. Christian woke up with hives and swelling everywhere. His hands were swollen. His ankles were swollen. His eyes were practically shut. I called urgent care. They wanted to know about his breathing.

"It's fine."
"Okay, well then come in here."

We went, and through the course of check in, I find out our insurance has lapsed through one thing or another (auto-debit never went through...they never contacted us...whatever the case). Then it becomes clear, despite Christian's job (or because of it?), we can't actually afford our insurance premiums. This, thanks to our collected loans, and other responsibilities (which are small compared to most households, but that's all we can manage).

I have a melt down in the waiting room.

It ends up being okay. Only just. Christian takes meds. The swelling goes down more and more. The hives abate, for the most part.

I feel like something needs to change, but I can't seem to get any interviews for jobs I do apply for, that would make childcare possible. I can't sleep well, ransacking my mind for ways that I might actually be able to support us - paths that we could pursue that would actually make a difference for our family.

Fast forward to Sunday.

My son sticks a piece of a toy in his mouth and it gets stuck. It's awkward. It's hard to remove. He's freaking out. He's coughing. His face is turning purple. My mommy sense kicks in and I reach into his mouth and yank it out myself. He is shocked. He is horrified. He cries. He wants to nurse. There is no good place. My shirt is not really the best kind for this sort of thing. We're in the middle of the restaurant, completely exposed. Christian takes him for a walk. He comes back. He wants to stay cradled in my lap. He eats half a sweet potato fry.

He cries. He grabs at me, clearly wanting to nurse. I don't finish my lunch. Christian gets everything except our child, who I am carrying in my arms, across a huge parking lot. He's over 25 pounds, wriggling, kicking, crying, and all the while grabbing at my chest to nurse. I am just trying to keep him in the middle of my body so I don't throw my alignment off worse than it is.

We get to the car. It is hot. It is small. We cram into the back seat and miraculously he's able to latch. He gets distracted and starts playing with things. We relatch. He gets distracted. We relatch. I'm  sweaty and cranky and still in shock from lunch. He gets distracted again, and I make an executive decision and put him into his car seat.

Christian declares he can't drive because of his meds. Fine. I get in the driver's seat. I'm not totally aware of how I'm still upset, but I do what I have to do. This is what I do everyday. I make it work. I check everything, I back up. The car directly behind me is backing up too. I stop. She keeps backing up, but there is no way she can move her car enough. I honk my horn. She bumps me.

I put the car in neutral and the brake on. I get out of the car and look at our bumper. Our car is over 10 years old. Hers is too. There are no dents. There are no scrapes. I see no marks on her car whatsoever, though ours has some old ones from something I can't recall.

"It was just one of those things. I looked left and you looked right," the woman says. I look at the cars again and nod. I'm upset, but no harm no foul.

There's a loud honk from behind me. I look over and there is a car. i stare the driver down. She motions as though she wants to get through - between the two cars who just had an accident. She doesn't smile at me. She doesn't wave or anything. I get into my car and this driver has the gall to drive right between our cars, before either one of us has time to move out of the way. I had visions of chasing her down, of beating her window, of taking my teenage carkeys along her freshly washed California Prius and giving her a nice cursive message to immortalize the occasion.

"Thanks you fucking bitch!" These are the words I thought because she didn't know everything I'd been through this weekend. She didn't realize I had visions of losing not only my husband and best friend, but also the fragile financial security I have. She didn't realize that I had visions of losing my son to a piece of irregularly shaped plastic just moments before. She didn't realize that I had just carried this upset, frightened little boy, wriggling, and crying, at over 25 pounds, the distance of several city blocks. She didn't realize that I had just crammed into my back seat, so that same frightened little boy, could feel an ounce of comfort before being strapped down so he could be transported safely away. She didn't realize all those things, but she did see my car bumper get tapped.

I don't know what that Prius driver had going on in her own life, but I think she could have managed a few seconds wait time to allow a young mother a little less stress to an already stressful event.

So when I did finally get my car going, and make my way out of the parking lot and on to surface street, it was amidst utterly raw weeping. Christian offered to take the wheel, but I refused. I refused in part because I did not want to move from that spot. I did not want to get out of the car. I could not take my hands from the wheel, so instead, I wept. I sobbed until my throat hurt - until the sound was impossible, until it refused to claw from my throat. The tears continued to flow from my swollen eyes. I would sniff. I would take a few gasping breaths, and this was enough to allow that wracking sound from my throat again.

I cried so hard, so long, I started to cough. I started to choke. I calmed enough to breathe. I wept some more. I wept the entire drive to my in-laws' house.

"If anyone makes any kind of comment to me, I cannot be held responsible for what I will say back. I cannot!" I said as I turned down their street. Christian nodded.

"Okay. I understand. Just go straight to the guest room. It's fine."

I parked the car. I wiped salt from my cheeks - just salt tracks because of the drought. I got out, not looking back, not thinking. I went straight to the guest room where our son takes his nap. Christian laid him down beside me, whimpering and half asleep from the car ride.

As I lay there, nursing my sleepy toddler, I breathed deeply, my limbs trembling.

I can't handle anything else. I can't. I need a break - I need to catch a break. I don't have anything left. No patience. No resources. No stamina. I am running on empty. I am bare. I am raw. I don't know what I will do if something else happens. I don't know what else I can do besides what I am doing.

So I write this, raising my hands up, empty and asking...help me.

Optimism Maintenance

Negativity is a cancer - crowding out all the good in life. It is leprosy. It will eat you up until there is nothing left. It can turn the bright sun into the dullest overcast cloud cover.

I know. It does that to me. It took me a while to figure out how to manage the negative tendencies in my environment, but I did it and you can too.

So what can we do to bring back the sun? What can we do to keep the good things in life?

There are a few things.

First, there is thankfulness. For anything and everything. This makes you feel positively about everything in your life.

Second is your words. Complaining makes you stupider (really) and focuses on the bad things in life. Instead, talk about the things that are good or talk about ways to improve situations you don't like.

Third is your activity. When you sit in front of a screen all day filled with violent or negative images, it affects your thinking. Exercise and movement release endorphins. Dance releases serotonin. Moving around should be a part of the majority of your day. Think: take the stairs.

Fourth, eat good food. It sounds strange that such a thing would impact your mood, but it does. Bad food makes you feel bad. Sometimes it makes you physically sick. Being hungry makes you angry or lethargic. Good food really makes a difference in your optimism.

Fifth, good sleep cannot be underestimated. When you wake up refreshed, you are better able to tackle whatever comes your way with an optimistic attitude.

Sixth, laugh. It really is the best medicine. People have laughed themselves well. Certainly this can keep the dementors away.

These are so simple and yet for many people, they are next to impossible. However, when you start to do one, it is much easier to do more. Like negativity, positivity can take on a life of its own.

Yes, sometimes a negative thought may intrude. Sometimes bad things will happen. But you can always return to the comfort of your positive habits. You can always find something to be grateful for. There is always something to laugh about. Tomorrow is always another day. How great is that? We always get another chance. I'm definitely grateful for that.

Open Letter to Health Insurance Executives

Dear Insurance Company Executives,

I know you have people whose job it is to figure out how to deny coverage. I know your companies have structured themselves to benefit your shareholders at the expense of customer health. I also know, if you don't change your tune, I, along with everyone else you have shafted, will work tirelessly to put you out of business in favor of single payer.

Let me offer you a bit of advice: do something different. I would gladly switch insurance companies if one was out there that was FOR customers. If there was a company that was modelled on social business - and cared for consumers' health - I would HAPPILY pay that company's premiums. I would recommend them to all my friends and family. I would write about how wonderful that company was. I would post videos everywhere on its amazing customer centered policies.

An honest, caring insurance company is what I want...if things stay as they are.

You have an opportunity here. You can change the way you do business, or you can risk death. It has already started with the regulations of the ACA. Single payer is not far behind. If you want to continue making money, abandon your antiquated ways of nickel and diming people. Pursue an ethical and responsible model of business and you might convince America that insurance companies do not have to be the scum of the Earth. You might.

I hope this letter reaches you during the holidays while you are enjoying perfect health with all your family members, courtesy of those profits squeezed from middle class America. You're welcome.

Have a blessed holiday season!

Best wishes,

Alexis Donkin

Come Out, Come Out, Whoever You Are!

Some paths are scary...

Lately there have been several recurring themes in my life and therefore, my writing: coincidence, fate, purpose, choice, self-acceptance, and "coming out."

But worth it.

First of all, I don't believe in coincidence. I'm a person of faith and I've had too many strange things happen in my life to believe in "coincidence." I believe that everything happens for a reason, so you could say I believe in a kind of fate and that things - and people - have related purposes.

That said, I also believe you can choose to ignore or follow your purpose. In order to actively make that choice, many times a person must engage in self-exploration. This often leads to the discovery of both pleasant and unpleasant elements of the self (history, talents, preferences, personality traits, etc). This also leads to the possibility of self-acceptance (or not).

The process of discovery and acceptance in turn leads to the possibility of "coming out."

When encountering the phrase "coming out" most people think of an LGBT person openly declaring their gender/orientation, however "coming out" is not exclusively an LGBT act. Any part of the self that has been hidden, dormant, or laying in a deep recess can be brought to the light of day and shared with others. The process, and often the implications, are the same.

It is the implications of "coming out" - of a change in identity - that piques my interest. It also keeps me up at night.

Coming out is hard. It isn't like going from the identity of coupled woman to mother. That identity is clear and easy to see. It is one most people encounter on a regular basis, and for most people, there are no loose ends or questions raised by such an identity change.

The nature of coming out means the hidden identity or issue being brought into the open is uncomfortable, otherwise it wouldn't have been hidden. There is something shameful or uncomfortable, or difficult about this identity or issue, usually for both the self and others. It calls some fundamental thing into question - roles, relationships, actions, all shift to a new and strange place with this new identification.

Sometimes such identifications become the person. Literally, these difficult identities are so hard to get past for most other people, the self becomes two-dimensional. Suddenly the self is only lesbian, is only an addict, is only poor, is only an abuser, is only a victim, is only a criminal according to the other. Pigeon-holing abounds when the new issue comes to light. In order to overcome this shallowing process, the self must work extra hard to show up this new identity: I am green, progressive, Christian, athletic, multi-racial, multi-lingual, educated etc. These other identities are forced into competition with the "shameful" and marginalized new identity.

Some people choose to embrace their marginalized identity and center their lives around these things, for example a once battered woman turned activist who works with battered women. Another example would be a recovering alcoholic choosing to support others in their quest for sobriety. The centering of this identity surpasses a volunteer level, but moves to paid work as well as possible volunteering. Literally, life in these situations is entirely focused on this "shameful" identity.

The other possibility is to downplay such identities and to focus on something else. I think of the case of Maya Angelou who could have focused much of her writing and energy on the fact that she was molested and raped as a child. She could have written much of her work about - and championed victims of - sexual abuse and assault, however she did not. She chose a wider platform that included socio-economic, race, gender, and orientation identities rather than a single pigeon-holed identity of "victim."

Of course no one is a single thing. Each person has multiple facets, each informing the other. Experiences, preferences, and inherent abilities all contribute to the people we are. Often, however, one aspect or set of aspects stands out. One or a set of identities speaks to us more. We identify with a given set more strongly, and there are reasons for this (our experiences and preferences, for example).

This is where a given person's purpose lies - surrounding those identities of utmost importance.

However there is tension in balancing a person's purpose with the potential of pigeon-holing. There is tension surrounding that question of pigeon-holing and acceptance by others. Will I be stereotyped if I come out? Will I always be only this one thing? Will my identity overshadow my purpose? Will it interfere with achieving my life purpose? - asks the self.

Inevitably, the answer is: I don't know. We cannot know. The other is the one who answers these questions by their actions - their acceptance and rejection. It is only when the self is made vulnerable by coming out that the answer can be given and received. Until then, there is only anxious speculation.

We all have secrets. We all have hidden parts of ourselves. With every hidden piece, there is a debate regarding with whom we render ourselves vulnerable. For those who live more public lives - bloggers, writers, pastors, politicians, celebrities - the debate is more intense. The revelation of a secret self has more lasting and difficult implications. Will my brand be impacted? Will my image be impacted positively or negatively (because it will be impacted one way or another)? Is it worth it? Is it more important to be honest and authentic than to worry about the potential fallout? How strongly do I identify with this part of myself? If I decide to come out, how should I do it? Will it be quiet? Will it be for maximum impact? If so, what would create maximum impact?

These are the questions we ask ourselves. These are the questions that keep us up at night because there are no easy answers. There are no right answers. There are only answers that align with a person's purpose and those that do not. So it comes down to choice: what is your purpose? Who is your secret self? Will sharing your secret self with others further your purpose in this world? If the answer is yes, then it's time. It's time to come out.

Self Work is Never Done

Anyone who says they don't have more to work on is delusional.

There's always more to work on. There's always room for improvement. The more you do, the more likely you will succeed because the closer you are to mastery. If you're already a master, you will only get better.

The challenge is finding those places to improve. I mean, you and I, we're too close to ourselves to always figure out what work needs to be done. We may know something needs changing, but how do we find those areas of need? And then, how do we go about fixing them?

Lately I've been doing a lot of self-reflection. I'm in an uncomfortable situation in my life and there has been a lot of upheaval surrounding me. I see the world going to hell in a hand basket, and I feel out of control. There's little I can do about the world, but it would be nice if I had something to cling to that was more stable at home. I mean, something that was for sure...and safe...and well, easy.

Earlier this year I'd gotten into the habit of journaling and writing things I was grateful for every night. A little yoga before or after this journaling really made a difference too. And, then there was also the whole listening to affirmations thing I was doing. Well, for one reason or another, I got out of this habit. I substituted working out for this night time ritual (working out in the morning - not before bed! Geez!). At first, things continued going well.

But once again, I've gone to that dark place. I found myself frustrated with my situation and how slow change has been to come to my life. Instead, I felt like things were slowing down - or even going backwards.

I had so much going on in my head, I needed to do something. I picked up my journal. It seems, even with blogging, writing novels, and non-fiction books, I still have more words floating around that need release. The words, hateful, difficult, angry, disappointed, and depressed, flooded out. And then inspiration struck.

How could I change my life if I didn't know where I needed to change myself? My thinking was all wrong. I was so focused on negative things, on the fact that things weren't changing, on my unhappiness, there was no way I was going to move forward. I've read a bagillion self-help books in an effort to get ahead of my negative preoccupation, and I've had little luck. I needed something more pointed.

Cell phone to the rescue!

I found an app.

Surprising.

But there is an app, or twelve, that include personality/psychological tests to help you pinpoint areas where you need improvement. The one I found was Know Yourself. While the name leaves something to be desired, the comprehensive testing options and articles to combat issues found in your results were impressive.

I mean, I've taken a lot of those goofy tests...but none of them attached helpful content to my problem areas. In fact, few of them identified my problem areas the way this app did.

The Complete Personality Test was long, and the results were nearly as long as the test itself. However, the feedback was invaluable. It helped me unpack areas and habits that need attention (desperately!). It also affirmed other areas, some of which were pleasant surprises (things I never thought of came to light). I haven't yet been able to read all the attached articles, or put exercises in place to change my focus, but I'm hopeful. I feel like I'm on the right track, not only personally, but also professionally.

Sometimes you just need to get right with God, I mean, yourself. Yeah...yourself. ;-)

Impossible Failure: Extreme Effort Yields Extreme Success

Recently my life has been a bit crazy. We have 2 weddings coming up, a few trips (my husband's going a bachelor weekend and I'm taking the baby back East),  and at least one baby shower. I published 2 books in one week. I've been working out like crazy AND the baby's teething (like the whole mouth...it's crazypants!). Plus it was crazy hot...

Oh, and I'm trying to finish FRIEND OR FOE (working title for Khloe Book #4). I'm 70k into it....so I'll probably need at least 30k more - possibly as much as 60k depending on how loose ends tie up.

I'm working so hard to keep things moving and going. It's a struggle to get anything out, let alone make sure my formatting doesn't suck the big one... and then I see another email congratulating someone else for being a bestseller or whatever.

I want to break something.

I'm working so hard and often it feels like I'm getting little or nothing in return. I know this is a long game and slow and steady wins the race, but things could go a little faster. I look at my Smashwords profile page and see the collection of books I've written and know I'm on the right track...but couldn't that track have a little more tangible success?

Then again, what is success?

For an indie author among thousands upon thousands (millions?) it's hard to say. What is enough? What makes it a hobby? What is reckless abandon or ambition? How many readers are enough? When do you stop writing?

For me, I'm still pretty far from my end goal (my end goal being a ridiculous amount of readers). My annual writing goal is half way complete (3 books published and a fourth half way done). Every subsequent year I want to publish another 7 books. Even if I have another kid. Even if I have TWO. I will keep writing. I will keep publishing.

So while I find it discouraging when a week goes by without much writing (like this past one) or I read an email celebrating the same 5 successful "indie" authors who have a leg up from their past lives of traditional publication, I won't give up. I'll never quit. It's like working out - consistency wins. I see my arms and legs transforming. Slowly everything else transforms before me. There's no other thing to do. If you put so much effort into something, it's impossible to fail.

I believe that.

Impossible.

Repeal Obamacare?! Republican Candidates Must Be Daft

If I see one more ad for Republican running for congress I may shoot myself. The thing I hate the most? "I'm on the side of the taxpayers. I'm going to repeal Obamacare."

Yeah. On the side of which taxpayers exactly?

Sorry but Obamacare is a good thing for most people. All the problems are basically because Republicans stymied the idea of a single payer system (all the complications would be erased if there was a single payer system).

Obamacare saved our health care (too bad it doesn't include adult dental! Hint hint!). We were paying 1500$ a month for Cobra after Christian lost his job. Read: we had NO consistent income. Unemployment (which has been cut by the Feds - so thanks for that!) didn't pay for it ...and while our baby may have been eligible for Medi-Cal, Christian wouldn't have been. Now we have health care for a fraction of the cost (Off the top of my head I want to say we pay around $100 monthly for the two of us!) and our baby is fully covered under Medi-Cal.
We're just one example, but there are thousands and millions of people like us who can and do benefit from this legislation.

But...if the Republicans DO repeal Obamacare...they could kill their party and we may end up with single payer after all. Considering how completely horrid they've become (thank you Kochs!), I can't say I would mourn the loss.

Detox Life and Reach Goals

Since I started adhering to a writing plan that involves daily and weekly goals, I'm back on track in other aspects of my life. In fact, I would say that I'm in the process of cleaning house.

How, do you ask?

Well, at first it was journaling. I was going through a real dark time, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Journaling helped me to release a lot of things going through my mind which freed me to work on other things (read: writing).

Then I added yoga. I'm not one of those people who is into mixing spiritual disciplines so I was a little hesitant to do this before now. The reason I finally came around and decided to add it to my daily routine is because it can be a kind of meditation. Meditation is good for the body, mind, and spirit. It releases tension can help the body rid itself of toxins etc. It's just a good idea all the way around.

So I hopped onto the Hindu bandwagon for some yoga (just yoga...no pantheon or holy thread or anything). It's been a real blessing and incredibly nourishing to me on every level. I also think I get to sleep faster because of it (probably because of how relaxing it is - this has nothing to do with my new mom sleep deprivation...I swear!).

Then I started adding daily workouts on top of these things. This is something I've really just begun doing this week with any consistency. I had been doing some casual circuit training using my baby as resistance, but that was very sporadic at best (and who knows how effective it was being at achieving my fitness goals other than building muscle). This week I added some kickboxing circuit training videos and next week I plan to up the ante with some other circuit training and HIIT videos. These are ideal for me because they're short but effective, which means I can do them without leaving my baby playing in his play area for too long. The only problem with them is I kind of want them to be longer...or more intense feeling (I sense I'll be adding some low level weights to these puppies!).

I say this now, but talk to me in a week...

My next step is to implement better eating choices...

And then who knows? More active promotion? Actively socializing (sensing a trend here?)?

Needless to say I'm doing these things while I'm reaching my writing goals every day, and I'm taking care of my little man. I know that as I move through this time, every aspect of my life is getting cleaner and the next step of everything is becoming clearer. It's a great feeling.

Sometimes you just need to do some spring cleaning of yourself.

When You Lose It All

If you follow me on Twitter or Facebook, you already know I asked for positive thoughts and prayers in the last day or so. If you've been keeping up with my various blogs, you know we've had a few hurdles this summer, except none of them was as big as the one that appeared this morning.

Christian lost his job.

I'm taking a deep breath now, so I can let that sink in again. It doesn't seem completely real. If I stop to think about it, I begin wondering about the logistics we face in the next month.

There are the bills we have to pay. There is the food we need in order to live. There is the fact that rent in the Bay is exorbitant and now, even with our loans on forbearance we don't have the income to support the measly loft where we currently reside. There's the fact that we have a baby on the way and I'm not sure what our insurance situation is going to look like, or if we will have to move out of the area and look for a new care provider in the last few weeks of my pregnancy. Oh, did I mention we don't have any baby gear AT ALL right now? There is no car seat, no diapers (cloth or otherwise), and no place for kiddo to sleep.

We are, more than ever before, at a crossroads. We have nothing. There is no emergency fund. There is no job waiting in the wings. We have fallen as low as we've ever fallen and there is no net (Thanks America for not believing social democracy is a thing worth pursuing! You've made this possible!).

We have three main things we can do (and I'm not even sure if they're doable):

1. Christian can file for unemployment.
2. Christian can apply for jobs.
3.  We can try to start our own business.

These could all happen at the same time. They're not mutually exclusive, and frankly, I think they're all worth pursuing at this point. As such, my writing and publishing goals are going to be put on hold while I help Christian get things going. Being able to eat, having a place to sleep, and taking care of the baby are my top priorities. I don't think I'll completely stop working on book stuff, but I doubt that I'll be able to be nearly as aggressive as I wanted to be. If I can get 3 or 4 books published this summer, considering the craziness surrounding our living situation, I'll be amazed and incredibly proud of myself.

Granted, if I still pulled off publishing 7 books I would call that something near miraculous.

Whatever the case, print versions of the books are going to be put on hold until I have money to spend on purchasing proofs (you have to order a proof of each book to check for errors, formatting etc). The cost of the proofs varies depending on the type of book (binding and size), as well as the number of pages, and whether it is in color or black and white. I'm disappointed by this, but I don't have a choice at the moment.

I can't submit stories to magazines with reading fees.

The reality of my present situation is starting to set in, especially as how this will impact my personal goals.

And it hurts.

Even though I know practically what will happen on Monday (we'll put our loans on forbearance or deferment, start the unemployment papers, apply for jobs, and begin developing a business plan) I don't know what will happen to us after that. So much hangs in the balance. This is such a big change and it is incredibly scary and painful. I have to believe there is a reason for all this. I have to believe this was a way to clear the slate, to allow for something bigger and better. After all, I have been feeling like this year was going to be a big year. Maybe this had to happen to allow for the really good stuff to come into our lives. I hope so. I don't know that I'll be able to handle a lower fall.

The Truth About Exercise During Pregnancy

I have a tough time doing it. Well, I feel like I have a tough time doing anything except eating and peeing. Sleeping isn't even a comfortable endeavor these days, so why would exercise be any better?

The benefits of exercise are many, even during pregnancy. They have been proven and established and no one doubts them - not really. And I want to enjoy these benefits. I like exercising in general. The problem is cardio these days is a recipe for serious leg swelling. A 20 minute phone conversation offers enough time for me to pace/walk my legs to uncomfortable thickness.

Stretching is okay, assuming I can get up and move into position. Stretches however need to be modified so I don't smoosh kiddo or cut off circulation to my heart. There are a few alternative stretches I FINALLY found for certain parts (like hips) which I can actually do. It only took me 6 months...

Strength training is okay too, but I can't lift as much as before. The other day I tried to do bicep curls using my customary 8 lb weights and by the end of my first set I was out of breath and really struggling. This is a brand new development. The result is I have to go back to 5 lb weights. Hopefully this will be okay (as far as straining etc) and will offer me some actual resistence. It's been a while since I used 5 lbs. I just hope my arms continue moving in a positive direction despite the lower weight.

But all these only occur when I have enough energy and motivation. I am still doing better than I did in the first trimester, but only a little. Now I struggle to move and instead of nausea and exhaustion, I have to overcome my body and exhaustion. It feels like something is always getting in the way - my belly, my swollen legs, my lung capacity... Everything is modified and even then, I just can't do what I could before.

And I read recommendations by experts and recall those from my midwives and I laugh, and balk. I don't know who these people are who are able to walk vigorously for 1 hr 5 times a week, but they aren't me. I don't know these people who can do Zumba or circuit training throughout their pregnancies, but I kind of hate them. I would love to be a super active pregnant lady, but I just can't. I struggle with getting my writing goals done. I struggle with shifting position in bed.

This is where I am. My little dirt plot is being overtaken with weeds, my recycling is overflowing, and I can't waddle down the stairs without gripping the railing. I have to pee 20 times an hour and eat every 2. I take naps, which make me feel better than sleeping at night (because I always wake up aching the next day). So exercise? When I can do it (modified), when the stars align and my body isn't totally exhausted, I feel pretty good. Well, until I finish I feel good. Then when I'm done I need to take a nap.

The Pregnant Glucose Tolerance Test

This morning I got up ridiculously early to get my glucose tolerance test done. This is a test taken between 24 and 28 weeks in pregnancy to diagnose gestational diabetes, and as far as I can tell, every preggo lady gets it (well, some incarnation of it anyway).

The test itself involves fasting for at least 8 hours, then getting blood drawn (usually accompanied by a second vial at this point to do a complete blood count). Once this first vial is taken, you get to drink this cold orange flavored drink which tastes something between orange Pedialyte and flat orange soda. You have to drink it really quickly (within 5 minutes). Then when you finish downing the drink, you have to let them know. They note the time, and then in an hour they draw your blood again. At 2 hours they take a third vial.

At the end of this 2 hour ordeal you know whether or not you have gestational diabetes. Well, the test results get sent to your doctor's (or midwife's) office within 2 days. So technically, you don't find out immediately, but still - you know the same week whether or not you'll be sticking yourself regularly for the remainder of your 9 months.

Now, if you're sensitive to glucose, after you drink that sugary orange gross, you'll probably have some kind of reaction. A lot of people get some nausea and most people have a serious crash. Some people feel sick for the entire day after their test.

Needless to say, I was prepared for this. I was already worried about being hungry which is usually a disaster for me, so I wasn't sure how my body would handle the sugar. I know I've experienced sugar crashes before (eating something really sugary on a nearly empty stomach and then awhile later getting sleepy). That said, I couldn't remember a time I'd done this with a completely empty stomach. This was why I decided to do the test on a day off. I wanted Christian to drive me, but he would have needed to take some time off of work and now that the shop is in its busy season, that didn't really seem feasible. So I rallied my spirits and drove myself, preparing for the worst with a bottle of water, some beef jerky, and almonds to eat after the test.

Well, all my concern was for naught.

I didn't get nauseous. I didn't even feel faint when they took the blood (I hate getting my blood taken, so to go get it done by myself and not even get a little queasy was nothing short of miraculous). I didn't start to feel sleepy until about 15 minutes after my second blood draw. At the second blood draw, the tech asked me if I was feeling sleepy or sick, and when I said not yet, she smiled and told me that was a good sign. Apparently that indicates my body is producing enough insulin - which makes sense. People who are more sensitive to sugar and have a harder time balancing its effects would likely have more symptoms. But I didn't.

Then again, I didn't think I would really have any problems. Even though some of my extended family have diabetes, no one to my knowledge has had gestational diabetes. Plus I myself have never been much for sugar. I would choose meat, cheese, and vegetables over cake, candy, and cookies every time. I love savory food. If I could eat only dessert or dinner for the rest of my life (without any negative consequences) I would choose dinner.

Seriously. I would eat dinner for dessert after dinner. I get a little sad when my meat is gone from my plate (even before pregnancy - not joking).

Okay, yes I do like sugar sometimes. I'm not some weird Stepford wife, but I would be fine if I never had anything frosted ever again. It makes sense that my body hasn't had to work to keep my blood sugar in balance (thus creating insulin resistance) because I haven't ever overwhelmed it - not really.

Besides the fact that I am not a sugar fiend, I am a protein fiend (see above reference to getting sad about finishing my meat). Protein actually helps your body keep your blood sugar in check. I'm not arguing that everyone should overload on protein - that would be a bad idea too, BUT it's worth eating enough protein to balance out whatever else you're eating.

Last night, for example, my late night snack was almonds. I ate almonds for 2 reasons. First because my midwife told me they help with heartburn and I didn't want to eat anything later to deal with that (yay for heartburn prevention!). Secondly, almonds have protein in them and I didn't want to eat something sweet and screw up my numbers before my test. Did eating almonds instead of icecream help with my test this morning? Well, I'm not sure (I do still have to wait for confirmation that I won't be pricking my finger daily). Still I know it didn't hurt it.

Now I just need to wait. Hopefully by Friday I'll find out that I'm perfectly healthy with good sugar levels and good iron levels (Remember that fourth vial that was taken? Checking for anemia!). In the mean time, I'll try not to worry about it and enjoy my balanced dinners just like I always do.

Why Water is My Pregnancy's Bestfriend

I'm not a big drinker. Like most people, I live my life a little too concentrated, despite being told repeatedly that I should drink a certain number of cups per day.

Well in pregnancy water becomes even more important. I'm not saying this because millions of experts say these things, but rather because I have personally experienced the effects of dehydration in pregnancy. Yes, I was bad. I'm still not great on a daily basis, but I'm trying, and here's why: increased blood volume and amniotic fluid.

Because I am making a whole other human, when I don't drink enough water strange things happen regarding blood pressure. I don't just get the lovely headache behind the eyes, or extreme dry mouth. No, I can get white swirls in my vision. I can get down right dizzy. I can even get uterine cramps. I also get more swelling in my legs as well as leg cramps. This is on top of being incredibly cranky because whenever I'm thrown out of balance in pregnancy, I become beastly.

However, if I'm good about drinking water, my skin is happier and my heartburn is less (but only if I'm *consistently* drinking water). I feel better over all and fewer things seem to bother me.

Of course, drinking enough water means I literally have to take a sip every few minutes. I need to drink about 4 liters of water daily with the amount of activity I've been doing and the temperature outside (mid 70s). This seems excessive, but I'm telling you - if I don't drink about that much, things get uncomfortable.

So for the next few months, I won't be able to go anywhere without a water bottle (though I hear breastfeeding requires equally insane amounts of water). I guess hauling a large bottle of water everywhere is just prepping me slowly for carrying all the baby crap I'll need everywhere I go come September.

40 Things I'd do as a Politician

The more I read about these "austerity" measures and various things being voted into law, the more convinced I am that fewer and fewer politicians actually care what happens to us (Elizabeth, you're actually amazing and I kind of love you btw).

Because of the way politics is currently, and the incredibly judgy nature of the American public, I doubt I'll ever get into politics. But the whole scary mess before us got me thinking, what would I do if I was a politician? How would I make the world different for my unborn child?

So here's a list (in no particular order) of things that I'd do:

1. Decrease student loan interest rates. People trying to better themselves should not have to become indentured servants in order to do so.
2. Break up big banks and keep them separate from federal funds. This seems like a no-brainer, but apparently it's uncommon sense.
3. Increase corporate loan interest rates. This is a route to decreasing our debt.
4. Support capital gains tax. It's an easy way to address our national debt.
5. Repeal Citizens' United, however it needs to happen. This is just wrong.
6. Break up telecoms for trust violations and buy/possess the lines. This has been an on-going issue since the industry's creation, and prevents any real competition, much to consumers' detriment.
7. Revoke corporate personhood. Corporations are not people. They should not be treated as such.
8. Close corporate tax loops, simplifying the tax structure. Companies making profits must pay taxes. The current situation encourages large corps to be taxed no more than the average non-profit!
9. Increase taxes for high-networth individuals. To whom much is given, much is required.
10. Put low caps on political campaign spending. This would place candidates on an equal footing as well as prevent corporate interests from influencing the political process to voters' detriment.
11. Require companies to have certain number of workers in country if they want to sell products/services in country (dependent on industry and product/service). This would ensure jobs were kept in America as businesses would be foolish to lose such a market.
12. Have stricter environmental regulations and inspections for agribusiness. There have been many disturbing situations regarding agribusiness, and the industry is unsustainable in its current form.
13. Give tax credit to individuals using contraception. Population size is a concern, and so is general sexual health. To prevent unwanted pregnancies and additional burdens to tax-payers, this would incentivize pregnancy prevention.
14. Require restaurants to compost and recycle as part of health requirements. This would create more jobs and help reduce our carbon footprint (as well as enriching the soil by placing nutrient rich compost back into the earth).
15. Charge product retailers per plastic bag/paper bag (or ban plastic bags altogether). This would help decrease landfill waste and as well as ocean pollution.
16. Institute a one-payer system of health care. Socialized health care is effective elsewhere. It would give many people peace of mind (and by many, I mean the majority of the population that currently has to make job choices based on health care benefits if they are able to do even that!).
17. Require a year of service in either military or AmeriCorps (or other volunteer civil service program). By having young people do a year of civil service, we have a cheap labor force that can help correct a wide variety of projects on the community level.
18. Decrease military spending. We spend a ridiculous amount of money on the military when other parts of our nation need greater attention.
19. Pull military back from excessive engagements. We need to concentrate on issues at home rather than spreading ourselves too thin across the globe.
20. Allow schools more autonomy to address issues at local level. Schools know more of what they need than we do at the federal level.
21. Increase educational funding. This is an area that has received too many cuts and continues to suffer, thereby weakening our workforce and our ability as a nation to compete.
22. Place limits on how many residential properties one individual or entity can own. This would allow young families more opportunities to own homes, as opposed to investors owning the majority of the land.
23. Require property owners have primary residence in country, as opposed to foreign investors purchasing residential property without any kind of repercussions.
24. Require that a certain number/percentage of workers should live in the community where they work. This decreases carbon footprints from commuting as well as increasing the connections within a community (i.e. creating a sustainable community).
25. Institute a living wage. If we want a sustainable economy, we need to take care of all of our workforce. They need to be able to live while working as anything - including being a waitress or flipping burgers at a fast food joint.
26. Require paid sick time for all workers. Duh.
27. Require at least 4 weeks paid vacation (like the majority of the world!) for all workers. This is a good idea because people won't burn out or get sick as much. In short, we'll be happier - and happier workers are more productive.
28. Require paid parental leave. This helps keep able-bodied workers in the work force while allowing them financially safe time to bond with a new family member.
29. Give credentialed midwives the same status as obstetricians regarding attending low risk pregnancies (insurance coverage etc). Why wouldn't we?
30. Make contraception free for low income individuals. Duh.
31. Make contraception free without parental consent to minors. Duh.
32. Require companies of a certain size have childcare for workers on site. This is better for productivity and for workers.
33. Require companies smaller than a certain size provide stipend/voucher for daycare within a 10 mile radius from work site. Same as above.
34. Institute restorative justice programs for at the very least, low-level offenders. This is cheaper and more effective than more punitive measures.
35. Decriminalize marijuana possession (and possibly legalize, with the expectation of taxing marijuana products). This would decrease jail populations, and if legalized and taxed, the marijuana market could become another source of income that would address national debt.
36. Give community/municipality tax credits/incentives for community gardens/CSA. This is a way to build more sustainable communities as well as facilitate healthy eating habits (and therefore increase disease prevention in the greater population).
37. Institute free wi-fi in cities. This would be a part of acquiring telecom lines, and would level the playing field for potential labor. Without internet access, it is difficult to be competitive or to become educated/access services. This would address several issues at once with little cost to municipalities.
38. Would continue to protect private information, period.
39. Beef up Social Security to something that actually supports retired people. It doesn't make any sense to penalize people who have spent their lives contributing to their communities by ceasing to care for them.
40. Live in the community I represent (as opposed to owning a house far away from the people who are actually impacted by my policy choices).

Phew! That was a LOT! There are more, but these are the ones that stick in my head the most - that keep me up at night. Just imagine what would happen if these changes were actually implemented and supported by our representatives? Our country would be an amazing place. I'd actually be proud to call myself American when I went abroad...as opposed to wanting to hide to avoid projectile rotting fruit or vicious slurs.

Yes, I can't wait for the day when our representatives make choices that work for us, as opposed to hurting us over and over again in favor of corporate interests and antiquated ideas about how the world works. May I live to see that day.

Sausage Cankles: Dealing With Pregnancy Edema

Maybe you can't tell by looking, but I can. The picture to the left shows my ankles after I put them up for over an hour. Yes, that means they aren't as swollen as they were when I put them up originally.

Originally I felt like I had a mild case of elephantiasis. My ankles, normally slender and lovely, had become enormous ghastly things. Of course (lucky me) this wasn't the only area affected - in fact my entire legs were swollen. My knees actually looked fat. When I touched them, I couldn't help but be reminded of those wretched "water baby" dolls developed in the 1990s.

Yes. Gross.

Some people might say I need to watch out - that I'm probably going to develop preeclampsia or some such thing. So far my blood pressure has been blessedly low, so that's *really* unlikely. However, it has been hot. I haven't been drinking enough water (because of the heartburn issue) and I do ingest caffeine (What can I say? Everyone has a vice, though I do limit my consumption.). I do eat a fair amount of salt (though I don't add it to food). Plus working at the school, I'm standing a lot.

I don't think this is a recipe for skinny ankles.

The result is now I have to force myself to drink more water. I have to stretch my feet and walk around every so often. I have to make sure I don't cross my legs when I'm sitting (Which honestly, feels weird to do now anyway, so it's not going to be much of a hardship.). I need to exercise a little more consistently (which I want to do anyway because it gives me more energy).

All that should help. And if it doesn't? Well, at least it's temporary. It's definitely temporary. It will go away once kiddo is born. I've been promised by multiple sources it's temporary [bites lip in concern as she stares at fat ankles].

It seems this temporary thing is becoming my new mantra. Now if only I genuinely believed it...

The Worst Pregnant Night

I didn't get to sleep until late. This was partially because my mind was going, partly because I had bad heartburn to the point that nothing I did made me comfortable. Eventually my need for sleep won out, however.

I slept for maybe 2 hours. Then I woke up with horrible heartburn, but I wasn't convinced I was hungry. I took a Tums. Christian was wandering around so I was alone and grew anxious.

When he returned I still had heartburn and then had shooting breast pain (as though someone was stabbing me repeatedly - yeah, that was fun!). I tried to go to sleep but had heart palpitations and felt short of breath (could have been caused by all manner of things). So I lay in bed trying to relax.

I started reading articles about all kinds of things.

That carried me to about 7 am. I slept 2 hours. I woke up with horrible heartburn. I ate breakfast. Exhausted, I went back to sleep. I woke up again at 11 am. I still felt funky. I got lunch. I took a walk. The movement pulled a muscle in my belly or something, making it nearly impossible to walk back to my car.

Oh, did I mention the headache and general weird tummy feeling I've been sporting since lunch? Yeah. So that's a thing.

Needless to say, work was a no-go today. By the time I got home from my walk I felt like I would collapse. I don't relish the thought of keeling over while trying to wrangle 5th graders. No need to freak them out (or my husband who would inevitably be called to come get me or meet me at the hospital if such a thing happened at work).

The moral of the story? Pregnant bodies are out of control - literally. Sometimes the only thing we preggo ladies can do is drink some water, take a Tums, and rest.

Incidentally, I believe reading is in my near future...after my nap of course.

The Great Diaper Debate: Cloth or Disposable

Christian thinks I'm crazy. I might be. I want to try cloth diapers. There are several reasons for this:

1. Cloth is cheaper than disposables. You can use and reuse cloth diapers and covers. If you get all-in-ones that adjust, you can use the same stash of cloth for 2 kids! You save hundreds of dollars (or thousands depending on how much use you get out of them!)!

2. Cloth is cleaner. This sounds counter intuitive, but every cloth-diapering mom I've talked to or post I've read has had fewer blow-outs from cloth than disposables. I'd rather clean my kid's poop from his/her bum, not his/her ENTIRE BACK thank you!

3. Cloth is more responsible. It doesn't use harsh chemicals or take a bagillion years to decompose in a landfill somewhere. You also don't find used cloth diapers dappling the sand at the beach (so gross).

4. Cloth is healthier. I'll say it again - it doesn't use harsh chemicals! I've read from cloth diapering moms that with cloth their babies have fewer rashes.

Of course, it isn't always convenient. Cloth diapers do need to get washed. You do have to rinse poop off. That said, once baby switches to solids, you can use flushable liners to help make that process easier (which Christian is all for).

Disposables are nice when you are travelling and don't want to deal with a wet bag etc. In all honesty, I will probably use disposables when I'm travelling. The idea of taking a wet bag and hauling poopy diapers around doesn't appeal. I know people do it, I just don't want to.

There are some eco friendly disposable diaper options out there, and I'm investigating those, however they are pricier than the chem-infested plasticized mass-production dipes. It's a choice of trade-offs with which every mom struggles.

Without knowing exactly how kiddo will react to cloth (or Christian, or myself), I'm going to try it. People did it for years before disposables and made it work. I'm sure I can figure out something come September.

Over Halfway Done: 21 Weeks and Counting

Well, this post is late because Blogger has been failing at picture loading for about a week (mostly because I refuse to use all Google applications and stubbornly cling to FireFox, plus I refused to give my picture copyright to Facebook for a workaround. Never fear however, Twitpic is here!). Ahem.

As 20 weeks is technically the halfway point, I probably should have posted this even earlier. Still, my anatomy scan was later (this past Monday) so I didn't feel like posting a halfies post without having completed my signpost moment in Western medicine.

Thankfully, the kiddo is perfect. Actually perfect.

Kiddo matches my dates perfectly, in size and weight (this is pretty rare as most women don't know exactly when they conceived and few babies follow a pattern). Brain and spine are perfect. Heart is perfect. Abdomen and everything inside look perfect. Hands and feet are perfect. Nose and lips are perfect.  I can't tell you about the genitals, because I refused to look (as did Christian), but the tech didn't say anything was amiss with that either.

She even called our baby "good-looking." I assume this is because of measurements, although our tech seems to have been doing this a long time. I suspect she's seen her fair share of unborn babies. A scan that can take as long as 1.5 hours only took about 30 minutes, because well, this lady is pro. Her fingers danced across dials to get things properly lit up, and her hand shifted the wand just slightly and got a perfect view in a matter of seconds.

She knew what she was doing. So if she said kiddo is good-looking, kiddo IS.

Of course, it is possible our baby could look super goofy or troll-like. Some babies do (anyone who says anything otherwise is a liar - or delusional). Still, based on Christian's beautiful family, and my own breeding, I think it's safe to expect some serious cuteness happening here. Sugary, ridiculous, pudgy, cuteness.

Oh. My. God. I CANNOT WAIT!

Just writing that made me want to go all Elmira on this kid.

But even if my kid is goofy looking, I won't care.  I'm their mom. I will still go Elmira on them - hugging them so tight they'll be practically smothered in love. My hormones will go into mama-bear mode when there's even the tiniest hint of a threat. I won't be able to help it - it's how we're programmed, and what I learned about mothering from my own mom (Baby just kicked. Maybe s/he knows.).

Needless to say, having the anatomy scan under my belt, I feel like I really am halfway done. The intensity of baby's kicks is increasing and my belly is so big I can't comfortably lounge or touch my toes. Basically anything that smooshes my abdomen is a no-go.

But other than the need to keep my posture perfect, and avoiding the lower rack of the dishwasher or feeding the cat, I feel pretty good. I sleep pretty well these days. My heartburn seems to have calmed down (although it always reminds me it hasn't completely disappeared). I have enough energy to write or edit regularly, apply for jobs, and go for walks. I'm trying to regularly lift, but that comes and goes (the current heatwave in Oakland makes exercise a real chore, and the parents' visit derailed some of my efforts temporarily as well). Still, I'm getting in more steps than I did before I was pregnant (woohoo!) and I'm eating pretty healthy meals to fuel all this energy.

Sure, I get the occasional ache or pain from shifting too quickly, or staying still too long. Sure, I get moments when nothing feels comfortable. All in all however, the second trimester is pretty awesome.

I'm not sure how I'll feel in two months when kiddo's frequent strong kicks connect with my ribs and my sciatic nerve, or in August when it's hot on my second floor and I'm so big I feel like I'll burst. But that's then. I'll deal with it when it gets here (and hopefully with a whole lot of swimming). For now, I'll enjoy the regular movements letting me know just how healthy and perfect my kiddo is. I'll enjoy the attention I get from my coworkers, friends, family, and Christian. And while I wait for the inevitable, I'll enjoy fantasizing about all the stuff that comes with it - from cleaning poop and spit-up, to singing lullabies and giving tickles. I really can't wait.

Budget Beauty for A Pregnant Nose

The increased sense of smell can play havoc on your life if you're pregnant. Suddenly scents you once loved are vomit-inducing. Your lotion, shampoo, and facial soaps can become your worst enemies. So what do you do? You have to replace them with a more subtle or fragrance free alternative. I had to figure this out by trial and error. That doesn't mean you have to.

First, it should be noted that companies like Burt's Bees, Avalon, and Alba have fragrance free options.  However, if you check out these product lines, you'll notice immediately that you're paying PREMIUM prices.

I don't know about you, but I'd rather not spend $11.00 on a 4 oz bottle of shampoo.

So what is a preggo lady to do? Well, you can benefit from my trial and error.

First, let's examine the options for haircare. I will admit my chief concern with haircare was shampoo and conditioner. This is because when you're in the shower the steam helps to enhance the smell of whatever products you're using. Suddenly "Head and Shoulders" was "Head To the Toilet." Christian, good man that he is, smelled an obscene amount of shampoos. The best he found was Prell. Yes, Prell! It has a lilac scent. It's simple. It's dirt cheap. It works. Prell also has a conditioner, making it a completely inoffensive scent haircare combo for those on a budget.

A second option? Suave. All Suave choices are not created equal. I like the Moroccan knock-off in the gold bottle. It smells like a lightly floral chocolate. It doesn't overwhelm or overpower, and like Prell, has a corresponding conditioner.

What about body wash or soap? I'll be frank. Most body washes are down right putrid when you're pregnant. I couldn't handle the thought of wading through the gagging scents as I tried to find a budget option. Instead, I pulled out a hand-milled bar of soap I'd gotten from a living museum. Obviously you don't need to get basic soap from a living museum, but this should help direct you to some real life budget options. I recommend checking out good-ole Ivory. If you want to be a little more swank, go for my typical favorite corp bar soap - Dove (which also comes in sensitive). These soaps barely register on the preggo sniffer which makes them IDEAL. They're also incredibly budget friendly and can be found EVERYWHERE.

When it comes to your face, it's better to be a little more discerning. I *did* wade through some scents on this one because face wash is something that actually comes in contact with my nose. I didn't just want to tolerate whatever smell of product I was using. I wanted to love it. Welcome Purpose face wash! This is a Johnson and Johnson product that while being cited as great, is under appreciated. This stuff smells light and clean, but doesn't come even close to overpowering. I ENJOY using it. Like most face washes, it is a little pricier than other products (about twice as much as that bottle of Suave shampoo you just picked up)

I might have picked up the lotion attached to my face wash if they had a night version available at the store where I was, but they didn't. So I looked around and actually bit the bullet for Burt's Bees sensitive night cream. Yes, it is pricey, but it IS low on the fragrance scale (though I have to say I don't like the cotton smell as much as I like Purpose's clean scent) and it works for delicate preggo lady skin.

I did NOT check out alternative toners or day lotion. This is because I have used witch hazel forever with great success. There was a *short* period where the witch hazel scent was...ahem...difficult, but I got over it quickly. The price and it's effectiveness was enough to keep me loyal despite the temporary preggo sniffer setback.

As to my day lotion, I get the Target knock-off of Aveeno's lotion. It's cheaper but has the same ingredients and I love the light summer sunblock scent. It always makes me happy!

And how do I keep the rest of my skin moisturized? I like the shea and cocoa butter based lotions. There are plenty of them out there with all variety of scents. The one most often suggested for preggo ladies trying to prevent stretch-marks is Palmer's. I have used it in the past and liked it well enough, however as summer hits, I'm not sure how much of the thick goop I'm going to want on my skin. We'll have to experiment.

One thing every preggo lady MUST HAVE in her skin regime is sun-block. I absolutely LOVE the sprays. I can't get enough of them. I used them before I was preggo, and I use them daily now. While I have a knock-off Target version, the other name brands are close enough in price that even the brand slave won't feel too put out by shelling out a few extra bucks for the label. The knock-off doesn't have a strong smell but I do recommend applying any spray in a well ventilated area. I haven't had any problems with them since being pregnant.

So there you have it. Every thing in low or no fragrance on a budget - perfect for the discerning mommy-to-be who wants to save a buck (probably to spend later on that Diono Radian Rxt Car Seat in Shadow). Enjoy your scent liberation! 

Pregnant Apartment Living: What to do About My Smoking Neighbors

Secondhand smoke during pregnancy alters children's behavior. — Environmental Health News

I read articles like the above link and I freak out. I lived with an ADHD child growing up, and while he's awesome now, it was *difficult* then to say the least, not only for him, but also for everyone around. I've seen other ADHD kids suffer through social and school issues that appear to be outright painful. I don't wish that on my child. I don't want anything I do now (or ever) to cause problems for my child later in life.

As a pregnant woman, there are so many ways I could screw up my kid. I eat balanced meals as much as I can. I try to exercise regularly. I've never been a heavy drinker so not drinking during pregnancy is easy. I've never been a smoker, so steering clear of cigarette smoke is easy...

Ha! Lies!

It seems every other person who lives in Oakland smokes. It drives me crazy. When I wasn't pregnant I didn't like it, but I could suffer through it. But now? I feel like secondhand smoke is a personal assault on my unborn baby. This is made worse by the fact my neighbors, just 2 doors down, are heavy smokers.

They smoke several times a day when at home that I've observed. During certain times of day, thanks to water and air temperatures near the estuary, the smoke wafts right into our loft if the windows are open.

I know what you're thinking - just close the windows. Problem solved. Except it's getting hot. I can't just close the windows every time because I'll fry in here with my pregnant lady body temperature. So, the question is, do I become *that* lady? The one who asks my neighbors to smoke somewhere else because I'm pregnant? Do I ask management to do this for me like a crazy person? Do I just force myself to suffer through the heat several times a day like a wimp because I don't know these people?

So far I've been going the wimp route, mostly because I don't know them and I only see them when they are outside smoking (and I really don't want to approach them putting myself in direct contact with the smoke). I've asked Christian to talk to them for me, but so far he has refused, saying I should do it myself. I think after showing him that article I may convince him it's better for the non-pregnant man to take care of this, just this time.

Sheesh. Who knew the pitfalls of being pregnant in an apartment would include this?! Oh to live in my own house!