Sunday, May 12, 2013

Happy Mother's Day to...Me? or A New Mom's Worries

This is late, I know, but I've been busy.

I got more happy mother's day wishes than I ever expected. This is probably because I didn't expect any. I don't consider myself a mother - not yet anyway. At 23 weeks, I'm still a week away from viability. If I went into labor tomorrow, I don't know if the nearest hospital would attempt to save my baby. It's not common practice, but the Bay Area does have a lot of fancy medical care. It might depend on the hospital.

All this is to say, kiddo's lungs aren't completely developed yet. My baby couldn't survive without significant medical intervention. Kiddo isn't out in the world yet, so despite the incessant kicking and constant heartburn telling me I'm on my way to motherhood, I don't feel like it counts. Not yet.

Still, this didn't stop a lot of wonderful people from wishing me a wonderful day.

And I appreciate it. I do. I just think it's weird - and it's me, not them. It's totally me.

I even brought up my own weird feelings about it to Christian and he gave me a funny look. "You're over halfway done. You're already taking care of the baby, even though the baby's inside. You're already a mom. Besides, people love a pregnant lady."

In short, Get over it Alexis. You're being silly.

I think it's just one of those things where I haven't quite gotten it to sink in yet. I haven't wrapped my head around the fact that being this pregnant means in a few short months my relationship to the world, my identity, and every aspect of my life will be changed forever. As they say, once you become a mother, you are always a mother. There's no going back. [insert shiver here]

In these moments, when I'm pondering the enormity of the change, I kind of freak out. I worry about diaper changes, the zombification of my sleep schedule, and the fact that I may begin to feel like a living milk fountain. I worry about the costs involved and whether I'll be a good role model. I worry about whether I'll still be hot or if "mom jeans" are in my future.

But seriously, I just hope I don't screw it up. I'm crossing my fingers.

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