Ideas and Inaction: The 2 Water Dish Problem

Is that the right path over there?

For creatives, or starving artists, there's a problem in the realm of ideas. There are too many. Certainly that is my problem.

I wake up and have twelve different ideas by breakfast. Some of them I dream while in deep sleep. Others I discover in the course of getting my toddler dressed. Others I have while reading through my social media feeds. And then, when I have these ideas, I have to decide whether I should keep thinking about them - let them develop into something.

The process of vetting such ideas takes maybe a few seconds, but it always goes more or less like this:

"Oh shit! That would be an awesome story!"
"It would. It really would. People would read that."
"Damn! I could write that kind of fan fiction!"
"No I couldn't."
"Yes I could."
"No I couldn't. How could I get into that character's head?" Pauses while thinks through how that would work.
"Wait, yes I COULD! WAHOO!!!"

Keep in mind this happens daily. It happens daily all the while I'm working on several other projects. And this is not the whole day - this is just before breakfast.

You see the problem.

I don't have enough time to follow through on every idea. I can't. It is impractical. I have to prioritize. I have to decide which ideas are worth pursuing. Which ones would I enjoy? Which ones would benefit society? Which ones would be profitable?

This is the same problem creatives, like myself, encounter with jobs. As a creative, I am capable of doing a lot. I have the skills and abilities to make magic happen because I have this wild potential-seeking mind. I solve problems constantly. Ideas bloom, literally, in my sleep. I cannot keep up with them. So of course I do well in problem solving environments. I can do anything in theory, but that doesn't necessarily mean I flourish.

I could, for example, work in a 9-5 job. But, frankly, I might kill myself. I don't say that as a rhetorical device. Working 9-5 doing something that is busy work, surrounded by hundreds of cubicles makes me want to jump off a bridge. Really. There isn't enough variety. People are telling me what to do and how to do it, when those are the kinds of things I excel at on my own. It is soul sucking and does not make use of the extent of my gifts. So of course I would bang my head against the wall and need to take some kind of mood altering prescriptions just to survive.

That is not living.

But what about traditional jobs that do honor my tendencies? What about jobs that do allow me to make use of my crazy idea creation and vetting process? Where are they? What are they? How do I find these things?

The easy thing is to decide what I want to do and then find that.

*blinks while looking blankly*

Right. Remember how I just explained the different ideas I have? Remember how many I have every day before breakfast alone?! What do I want to do? How do I figure that out?

Well, there are the books by career counselors that can be helpful. But what if the required skills you need to do the thing you want to do are out of reach. What if, for example, I decide I want to be a professor for a day job and then, I am rejected by the doctoral programs that would essentially guarantee me such a position (or at least make it possible)?

That is a pickle.

So I end up staring down at my list of ideas, like my wild and crazy skills, wondering how I can cobble them together into a job.

I mean, I know. I know what job I want. What kind of success I want. I know that. I've got it in my head and I visualize it every day (read: comic convention panels, women's conference panels, writing workshops...the list goes on). But, the path to getting there is foggy. The ideas run fast and hard and I can see about twenty different routes to achieving the same thing. Which to choose?

It is like the dog with two water dishes. He sits there, staring at both, getting progressively more thirsty, never drinking. How does he choose? Which one is better? The answer is neither. They both have good water. Both will work. It is whichever one he likes. But the dishes are the same, he thinks. But they aren't. One is on the left, the other on the right. One is nearer the window, the other nearer his owner's chair. It does not matter which he chooses, except that one quenches his thirst and makes him feel good.

But I might regret not choosing the other dish!

Yeah...well...cost of business. All paths will reach the destination. Both dishes solve the problem of thirst. But sitting there ruminating about it won't do anything.

I am actually drinking water. I have actually four books that will definitely be published this year. Two are finished, but in revision phases. Two just need a few more chapters complete and will be done. That's kind of amazing. That means I will have finished four books while watching a toddler...since January. That's kind of remarkable.

I am definitely drinking the water here. I submitted pieces to magazines and got positive rejections (I just added a third to my group...) which means I'm getting closer on that front as well. Closer, but not there...yet.

But in the mean time, waiting for thirst to abate, I'm wondering if this is okay. If my time wouldn't be better spent doing other things. Should I use my skills somewhere else? Should I do something else? Should I have a day job outside of raising my kid? Could I manage that? I applied to a few traditional jobs, and I have to admit that I'm cautious. I mean, if I do not pursue my dream, my vision, part of me will die inside. It is that tension - the tension of giving up, of accepting defeat, versus continuing to battle, continuing the pursuit. The first is pushed by society at large (like, get real). The second is glorified (as in, "Wow! I could never do that! You're amazing!").

I think, no matter what, it is better to be on a path to achieving the goal than not. Not achieving the goal - the dream - is not okay. So I store my vetted ideas for later refusing to get distracted, continue pushing on the ones I've prioritized, and act as though I know what I'm doing. Which I don't. I'm just guessing here and hoping for the best. I mean, I think that's a pretty good idea.

INFJ Dream Team?

INFJ: Just imagine what you can't see...

In the last few days I've been doing super crazy research about my MBTI type. In fact, I've been providing ample evidence of my own type - INFJ - in pretty much everything I'm doing (My reaction to stress is on full throttle these days...if only I could find a television show on which to binge the picture would be complete!).

It's crazy. Well, maybe neurotic. Which is further proof I'm an INFJ.

Thanks Myers and Briggs! You've provided an excellent explanation for all my actions! Sheesh!

So what have I been researching about MBTI types? Specifically I've been looking at ways to overcome my weaknesses and strong-arm myself into personal growth in ways that I am not inclined to on my own.

First I decided I should have a mastermind group - a group of people to mutual assure success of all its members by addressing problems and concerns of each individual. This is an idea I've thrown around for ages, however never definitively concluded how to go about setting up such a group. I am, as you might expect, driven to perfection. Therefore I wanted this group to be, well, perfect. The question I asked myself was, who would be on the dream mastermind group for an INFJ?

Necessarily, a dream group for an INFJ could serve as a dream group for others as well (though I haven't concluded who would be in such a group, so I cannot absolutely confirm this would best benefit other members...or even myself definitely.).

I threw around different types and finally stumbled upon a few sites with relationships across types. For example, an INTJ is supposedly my companion. We think about the world in a similar way (intuition babe - it's killer). We make systems and, well, we're *right.* ENFJs are my buddies, because, well, we're just shades of the same type (introverted or extroverted). I might be a bit more, uh, "psychic" than my extroverted buddy, but for the most part, our values are very similar.

All this is to say, I decided I need an ENTP and some kind of ST temperament in my life (possibly an ESTP, even though it might make me bang my head against the wall). I'm also increasingly convinced I should have some kind of SF in my life (ESFP? ISFJ?). Basically, I need to collect them all - all the temperaments at least - in a conscious, deliberate way.

I know -  this sounds a little crazy but lately I've felt like I'm surrounded by NFs...all the time. Everywhere. I love my little intuitive feeling group, but I need some variety in my life. Desperately.

The reason is I need to be pushed - pushed out of head and heart and into reality a bit more. I need to be pushed to try the things that are scary for me (and maybe I would push scary for these other types too? After all, INFJs are human lie detectors...and somewhat oracular. Not a comfortable thing for most people.).

So now what? How do I find these people? Do I put an ad on Craigslist? Do I go to some MBTI forum? Do I solicit my social media connections for recommendations? Suggestions? Volunteers to be a part of my success group experiment?

This doesn't sound diabolical at all....

And you, gentle reader, have you done anything like this? What was your success? Failures? What would you have changed if you could have? I'm open to direction (and possibly scrapping the whole venture if deemed a useless exercise). Leave a comment below!

What Change Wrought: Relationship, Writer's Block, and Self-Development

Sometimes strong feelings or major life events can be inspiring to a writer. Other times, they are the exact opposite.

For a while I was doing very well with my daily writing goals. I was consistent. Frequently I more than surpassed them by several thousand words! Recently, however, I've been struggling. I haven't written consistently in some time. I missed July by a long shot, neglecting my publication goal despite its reachability. I mean, Khloe could have been done by now. And I want to finish, intellectually. But I just don't have the motivation.

Part of this has been because my son has grown into a more active phase in his development. He does require energy stores that I used to put solely towards writing. However, to place the blame squarely on my child's activity level is unfair and unrealistic. Yes, his energy draw is large, but he takes naps. He plays by himself. He sleeps earlier than I do. I could realistically write even with his increased mobility. There is more going on. Much more.

As you know from reading earlier posts, I've been on quite a journey this year. Every week brings new change in myself and my perspective. It has been a healing time. It has been a beneficial time. I have learned things about myself and come to conclusions in this year that I never could have at other times in my life. I work out 6 days a week. I study Spanish daily. I try to eat balanced meals. I try to meditate at least once a day. I'm working towards specific professional goals.

And I am sincerely grateful for this. I am healthier, stronger, and generally more focused. It is an exciting time for me.

Unfortunately I have a major area of my life that is holding me back and I feel this is impacting my writing. My mind is so focused on this area that I have been uninspired to write. For someone like me who typically writes daily and has multiple books independently published, this is a strange turn.

I would even go so far as to say I have no interest in writing.

In fact, writing this blog post was a chore. I struggled to pick up the laptop. I wrote lines of several other posts and even wrote entire completely different posts before finally settling on this topic as worthy of publication on my blog. I agonized over the words in this post. I fretted over coming clean about this issue. And even still, there is much more I could confess to you, my gentle readers. But what should I say? What is too much? What is enough without making people uncomfortable?

Crazy, right? I mean, who does that? And what could possibly twist me up so badly as to cause such difficulties?

Well, I will answer: the next phase in my life journey. I am applying to PhD programs, and that necessarily is a point of excitement and trepidation. If I don't get accepted, it doesn't matter. I would be disappointed but I would get over it. I would decide on another goal. Rejection is not my worry. My worry is that it will create more relationship difficulties than I have at present.

You see, when someone undergoes transformation, it is impossible for things to stay the same. The equilibrium is disrupted and suddenly old habits don't fly any more. New things are required. Change doesn't just happen in the person transforming, but all around that person has to change. The question is, how?

Absolutely I have transformed. It began with my pregnancy and has continued for the 11 months since my son's birth. I am a completely different woman, with a completely different understanding of how I want to be in the world. Part of this had to do with acceptance of myself, part of it had to do with deciding what I wanted and then actually taking realistic measurable steps towards those things. And quite frankly, I know my husband isn't interested in the same things I'm interested in. It is not that he is consciously working against me getting my goals, but he isn't helping me get them either. As I try to shoot higher and higher, I feel more and more that I am weighted down.

I don't feel this way because I no longer love my husband or because he is sabotaging me. Neither of those things are strictly true. I feel this way because the longer and more entrenched my transformation becomes, the clearer it is to me that my husband is unable to change.  Or rather, he is so worried about what steps he should take, he doesn't take any. He doesn't change because he doesn't feel 100% confident in what he wants. He goes back and forth, afraid to stay where he is, and afraid to move forward. While he's waffling, I'm moving forward with my life, leaving him in the dust. I'm growing and changing quickly and he isn't...

It is pretty clear why I've been struggling with writing.

How can you do anything you love when something so crucial as your relationship is in the hands of someone else? I don't know. I struggle with it every day. It is painful to watch my spouse rely on old habits and struggle against the changing landscape that is our relationship and his very different wife. It is painful to watch him make choices that inevitably cause discord and difficulty. It is painful to watch him make choices that utilize a kind of logic that doesn't make the remotest bit of rational sense to me.

We're one week away from our 6 year anniversary, and I wonder how things will be moving forward. It is no longer my decision. I have made my choices and I'm comfortable with them. I just hope that he actively chooses his own transformation, one that will enhance and enrich my own. I hope he decides to join me.

In the mean time, I wonder. I wonder when things will change in such a way that I am once more inspired to write. I wonder what would make the difference for him. I wonder what will inspire him to transform. I wonder when I will be able to truly move forward in every aspect of my life. I can't handle the stagnation. It is upsetting.

Because right now, when I hold the computer on my lap, I don't want to write. I don't want to open my word processor. I don't want to open my blog post editor.

I just want to browse the web and forget.

Personal Progress

What a week!

This has been a huge week for me from a personal development perspective. My approach to life, the universe, and everything has shifted allowing the unexpected (or long awaited depending on your view) to fall in place.

I am a believer in Myers Briggs typing. Yes, there are limits to any tool's effectiveness, that said, I have found the MBTI to be incredibly useful. In fact, this week it was game-changing.

I think I may have said before that I am an INFJ (introvert, intuitive, feeling, judging). I knew this, but I hadn't really taken that information to a useful place because I had no circumstance in which to apply it (not in my estimation, though that was probably a false assumption). My husband had taken the test several times and always came out differently so I was unable to use the information.

Then I got a crazy idea.

What if I took the test for him?!

I accepted the fact that whatever results I got would have to be taken with a grain of salt. The numbers probably wouldn't be accurate but at least I could uncover his type.

Now had I ever read all the types, I would have pegged him in a second...but that isn't how I roll.

Needless to say, Christian came out unsurprisingly as an INTP (introverted, intuitive, thinking, perceiving). Knowing Christian and reading what INTPs are like, I didn't have to retest. Because of the apparent accuracy of this result, I eagerly began devouring and sharing information about our types with Christian. Suddenly our differences and compatibility came into sharp focus. This blew our minds, especially when we read about relationships between our types.

It was like reading about ourselves.

While this opened up possibilities for growth in our relationship, that is not what I want to share here. Instead I want to point out a few things that I discovered about myself in the process.

Firstly, my type is sometimes called "the confidant" or "the counselor" or "the author." No joke.

Secondly, in case you weren't clued in by the above, some of the careers INFJs are suited for are writer, teacher, and counselor.

And thirdly, all of these things - info about my type, relationship issues, and my personal circumstance - brought back some other questions about life direction.

Our family cannot live on one income, not with present circumstance. I cannot stay at home all day because I go crazy. I have to work. I really love my baby, but in order to be a role model and provide for him I need to do what is best for my emotional health, our finances, and my professional goals.

Sometimes the old plan is the best new plan. Or maybe it isn't a plan, but at least a possible direction (I'm working on my spontaneity.).

When I was still in college I very strongly wanted a doctorate. The idea of putting the letters behind my name appealed. I liked the idea of being incontrovertibly equal with men (and surpassing others). It helped that "doctor" would further androgynize my name as Alexis can be male or female. The problem was I wasn't sure what I would do with a PhD or what I would study. I couldn't justify the resources on an unknown.

Recently a friend mentioned fully funded programs and suddenly it became a possibility again, or at least a consideration.

Other thoughts came to the fore. I am a good teacher. It feels like performance in the best way. It allows me to use all my strengths with purpose. I enjoy teaching, particularly adults. I really enjoy teaching adults subjects I love - like art, or public speaking, or writing.

Oh my GOD that took a long time to get there!

Yes. I could be a professor of literature and writing! I could hone my craft, teach, and be a mom. The variety of tasks and responsibilities suits my work style and temperament. It is something my parents have urged me towards for years.

Probably worth a gander at least.

So these next few weeks I plan to explore the possibility of a doctorate and all that will mean. It is an idea, not a plan, not for certain - just a good idea. We shall see how it pans out.