My Bucket List

Sailing adventure options...

This is a short list of things I'd still like to do and haven't done. Some of them I could live without, but mostly I see these as things that I have to do at some point during my life. I left off my specific professional goals relating to books and speaking because I'd rather not publicize them at this point. I keep them on my mind daily, unlike these, which sort of simmer in the background.

So in no particular order, my current bucket list:

• Japan - more cultural less urban (Shinto temples especially)
• China - especially the Forbidden City and the Great Wall
• Go to a Steelers game (in Pittsburgh would be ideal, but I would cross it off at an away game).
• Italy - mostly for the high art areas (Venice, Florence, and Rome especially).
• Cosplay Khloe Alwell at a comic convention.
• France - mostly for high art, but local little known wine and artisan cheese pairings would be great.
• Ireland - because, my people.
• Greece - the Islands for fun as well as ancient sites for interest.
• The Explorer Club - just to tour, I don't need to join.
• Visit "the Farm" (Ina Mae's place)
• Montreal - because it's supposed to be fantastic.
• New Orleans - but not during Mardi Gras.
• Yellow Stone - because overwhelming natural beauty.
• Hawaii - same as above.
• Raise a garden successfully
• Own a successful small brick & mortar business
• Raise some animals successfully (chickens, rabbits, and or goats/sheep)
• Build an off-grid sustainable structure (work/studio, tiny house, and or main house).
• Start and run a non-profit - education, mediation, or arts based
• Go on a couple sailing trip - stopping in interesting ports.
• Cross continental train trip (for the stories)

 What's on your list? Leave a comment below!
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Looking for something fun to read? Check out Lela Markham! She has two different series that look really fun - one dystopian, another fantasy. Check them both out on her Amazon page and read her thoughts on her blog here!

An InLinkz Link-up

THRIVE Book Launch Week 10: Help Me Fulfill My Purpose

I have a broad vision, but I need your help.

For the next few posts my format is going to be a bit different. I wanted to focus on THRIVE related stories in the blog posts and keep my update separate. That way the stories are the focus of the post. As expected, THRIVE related posts will, of course, have THRIVE in the title.

Imagine that.

This week was hard because Christian's grandma died (see my last post). It derailed my social media campaign plans and to my chagrin, the people who said they would help me with posting have completely flaked...which really sucks.

More than ever I feel the need for support, in part because of this remarkable woman's death, but also because I feel the intense need for this story to reach people. I need people to read THRIVE. I need it. I believe (and people can think what they will of this) that part of my life purpose is to share this story and change people's lives through it.

I believe the reason I suffered as much as I have is because I am not the kind of person to succumb to addiction, or to sit back, or to wallow. I really feel that my suffering is a vehicle for the healing of others and of communities. I feel at the core of my being, that lives can be transformed by this story.

I need your help.

To get this story out, I need your support. My readers. My friends. My family. My acquaintances. I need you, each and every one of you, to do the following things:

1. Buy a copy of the book - the ebook is cheap, and even cheaper before June 15 (3.99 is less than a fancy coffee!). The paperback is the standard cost for that genre - not bad and you're supporting a friend.  
2. READ it. This goes without saying, but seriously. Read it.
3. Write a review, on Smashwords, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Apple, whatever. Just do it - please. The more reviews the better.
4. Share posts from my Facebook author page, links to the book (paperback or digital), and or tweets. Talk it up to people who might need to read this story - it could help someone get through a tough part of life.
5. If you're feeling this close to your heart, then share it with organizations, media, or other outlets and contacts that would find this story interesting. I research, but I am limited. I may have missed something. I'm sure I missed something.

The thing I learned is that I am nothing without my support system. I need your help to fulfill the vision I have for this book. I have a dream about what my story can do, and I cannot realize it without you. Each and every one of you. You have come to my aid in the past, saved me from horrible fates (something I detailed in THRIVE), and I need your assistance one more time.

Please. Help me do this. Help me reach out to people suffering in silence. Help me pull them out and show them how they might live.

Thank you.

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LAUNCH UPDATE

What did I do last week? Ugh. I feel like several weeks have passed in the span of one...

• Print copy of Lilith and Ammon
• Print copy of The Brothers
• Print copy of Lovers and Rivals
• Amazon Kindle copy of Lilith
• Kindle copy of new version Brothers
• Kindle copy of Lovers
• Uploaded Thrive preorder to Kindle
• Uploaded Thrive journal preorder to Kindle
• Blogged

And this week?

• Aggressive social media campaign posts - G+, Twitter, Facebook, author forums
• Blog posts
• Solicit organizations for Thrive as resource listing
• Solicit organizations for speaking engagements
• Upload to Patreon
• Start Family, Friend, Foe rewrite (WOOHOO!)

 I think that's enough. Remember, June 15 the Smashwords price will jump on THRIVE and TRANSFORM TO THRIVE. Until that point, you get a significant savings so make sure to PREORDER NOW! Unless you want to buy the paperback, in which case...ORDER NOW (the journal too!)! :-)

THRIVE Book Launch Week 9: Why Everyone Needs This Book

Despite suffering, I thrive.

THRIVE is radically different from anything I've written thus far. It is memoir - and a highly personal, highly revealing memoir at that. I share things about myself in THRIVE that I have not shared to any single person, with one exception.

Christian is the one person who knew the whole story - every detail and emotional reaction.

My friends and family knew pieces, but not everything. They learned everything the first time they read the book.

And it is not an easy read. It is painful. It was painful to write. Up until this point, I have hinted but not stated explicitly. Here I will explain why. The following is just a taste of the contents of THRIVE:

• I was molested as a toddler by an older boy.
• I suffered overt misogyny and abuse at the hands of boys while growing up, even as I suffered silently with the aftereffects of my molestation.
• I was so ill in a third world country, I brushed death.
• I suffered every kind of attack a woman can suffer - stalking, following at night, verbal, emotional, and physical abuse. I was also raped by a friend in college.
• I lived in possibly the worst apartment in the developed world, which was sold to Christian and I as a reasonable place to start married life (think: no AC in a bombed out section of Phoenix and you begin to get the picture).
• I was unemployed for more of my adult life than not, including a time when multiple student loans were coming due.
• I suffered homelessness right after giving birth to my son, and struggling to accept unrealized expectations - the American Dream was my American Nightmare.

This is not everything. This is just a peek at what THRIVE contains. The book is graphic. It is not an easy read. And yet... I lived through these things and more (for details, you need to get a copy). You would never know it if I didn't tell you.

I have done so much more with my life. I am so much more than the difficulties I've experienced. And that is what this book is about. It is about using these difficult things - taking the bad and ugly, along with the good, and becoming more than before.

That is why I wrote the book. I chose to reveal these difficult, painful things, because I could not stand one more person getting blamed for their suffering. I could not stand to sit by, watching people around me not understanding the depths of pain that any person might experience, despite their station in life. I couldn't stand watching others ruined by difficulties. How could I let someone else struggle longer than they needed to when I could show them a way to not only manage, but harness their suffering? How could I stand by when I had strategies and tools at my disposal that could make a difference in the lives of individuals and their communities?

I couldn't. I couldn't any longer. I want my legacy to be something my son can take pride in - that will be a force for positive change in the world. To do that, I had to lay myself bare. I made myself vulnerable. And I know my life flies in the face of what many people think is reality. Which is exactly why I had to write THRIVE - because people have to know. Everyone needs to understand what is possible - both the levels of hidden suffering, and the potential power gained through such experience.

So please, for yourself, for your community, for your friends who have not yet broken their silence - read this book. It will open your eyes.

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LAUNCH UPDATE

Last week was big for me. I got a lot of big things accomplished.

• Published THRIVE in paperback.
• Published TRANSFORM TO THRIVE in paperback.
• Updated my author website.
• Finished revamped covers of Books 1-3 in KHLOE ALWELL series.
• Drew cover drawing for Book 4 in KHLOE.
• Finished coverart for Book 4.
• Published 2nd edition of THE BROTHERS on Smashwords.
• Published 2nd edition of LOVERS AND RIVALS on Smashwords.
• Blogged.
• Uploaded link to Patreon.
• Got 75% revamp of LILITH done.
• Pitched articles related to THRIVE to 2 different sites.
• Wrote and submitted guest post to a blog, set to go live in early July.
• Researched possibilities for audio books.

This week I would like to:

• Submit some more posts related to THRIVE
• Confirm when I need to follow up with people/media about pitches being accepted.
• Finish LILITH revamp and publish 2nd edition.
• Publish 2nd edition of KHLOE books to Amazon.
• Review potential publicist relationship.
• Pitch a guest post about women in fantasy.
• Get social media campaign figured out.
• Time to get videos done...about THRIVE?
• Blog
• Patreon

I hope this is another big week. I had a bit of down time over the weekend, and now I'm ready to jump back into the fray. I'm anxious to dig in.

My Book Launch Extravaganza

Is this the last door I have to walk through?

Thus far I haven't had much success in marketing my books. I have tried many things and none of them have really made a difference in sales. Let's take a look...

1. Blog tours - after contacting multiple websites (like almost 100) I got one site interested...if I had my book in paper form.
2. Soliciting honest reviews - no one followed through.
3. Book giveaways - this only generated moderate interest...
4. Asking people to talk about the book (friends etc) - no one did, except maybe my dad...and a couple true believers (who I really love for their devotion)
5. Publishing multiple books in one calendar year - not as much profit generation as you might think.
6. Guest posts on other blogs - only got one or two to happen.
7. Goodreads - cut off self-published entries and is not hooked up to any social media so...why?
8. Connecting with other writers - just a lot of stress from people who are fumbling around just as much as I was
9. Wattpad - still not sure how to connect with readers here...
10. Twitter - not really my market for my books so just led to a bunch of mutual following without many sales.
11. Facebook groups - asking for help...few responses if ANY
12. Facebook pages - minor interest/reach with few sales if any
13. Signing up for mentors - none
14. Asking for mentors in entrepreneur organizations - uh....NONE
15. Having scheduled blog posts - I have no idea how this influences sales...or doesn't. My following and favorites on Twitter has increased because of this and definitely my Facebook engagement increased. But sales? Hmm.
16. Getting published in literary magazines or websites - I wouldn't know because even with extensive research on the zines/sites, I still haven't gotten published here. I think this is in part because my stories are too...political and generally dark. No one wants to read about dystopian reproductive rights...says the average genre journal...
17. Sending book launch press kits to media outlets - zip...and no coverage (This is after I modeled my press kit after those available on line and had people who submit these REGULARLY check them out for viability.)

So you see, I've tried A LOT of stuff. I have. But I never tried a serious launch.

Which is what I'm doing now.

My goal is to have THRIVE, my upcoming memoir/self-help book available for pre-order on Smashwords by May 15 (goal remember...) and outright purchase June 15. Along with this, I plan to have a journal guide/daily meditation book available along the same lines as the book (to be used during or after reading, although it could be stand alone) available one the same dates.

I am being really aggressive. In preparation for the launch, I am designing/building an author website (finally!), revamping my current library (Read: double extra special proofing of text as well as redoing/sprucing cover art AND revamping book descriptions etc). I have a social media campaign strategy which I will be asking for help on (and participants will receive huge thanks in video and the website). I will be developing a press kit and will send this out to all the media outlets I know, and possibly organizations with interests related to the topics in THRIVE.

This is a big deal. I am very passionate about this book because I am doing something with it that I have never done - I am revealing myself. More than anything I've produced, this is important to me and it must do well. It must because through the vulnerability of my revelation, I can help people. Yes, the success would be nice for me, but the purpose of this isn't me. It is about helping people, changing perspectives, and making an impact for the better. I am committed to this, burned bridges behind me, burned the boats...however you want to think about it. Because once this book is published, there are no take backs. It cannot be undone.

And that is scary. And exciting. And thus...I will do something else I have never done - a real book launch.

In the time leading up to May 15 and June 15, I will periodically blog about the process and the book (hopefully will get some guest posts going at a few other sites). I will let everyone know when the website is up (hopefully by May 15). And of course, I will probably have a few videos (hopefully) about the book and available on the website and my YouTube channel (which I've largely ignored to this point).

It's a big deal. It's a big plan with an aggressive timeline and multi-prong approach. It's big. And it's kinda my last shot. It's kinda all of the eggs.

I'm pretty sure it will work. I'm crossing my fingers.

Ideas and Inaction: The 2 Water Dish Problem

Is that the right path over there?

For creatives, or starving artists, there's a problem in the realm of ideas. There are too many. Certainly that is my problem.

I wake up and have twelve different ideas by breakfast. Some of them I dream while in deep sleep. Others I discover in the course of getting my toddler dressed. Others I have while reading through my social media feeds. And then, when I have these ideas, I have to decide whether I should keep thinking about them - let them develop into something.

The process of vetting such ideas takes maybe a few seconds, but it always goes more or less like this:

"Oh shit! That would be an awesome story!"
"It would. It really would. People would read that."
"Damn! I could write that kind of fan fiction!"
"No I couldn't."
"Yes I could."
"No I couldn't. How could I get into that character's head?" Pauses while thinks through how that would work.
"Wait, yes I COULD! WAHOO!!!"

Keep in mind this happens daily. It happens daily all the while I'm working on several other projects. And this is not the whole day - this is just before breakfast.

You see the problem.

I don't have enough time to follow through on every idea. I can't. It is impractical. I have to prioritize. I have to decide which ideas are worth pursuing. Which ones would I enjoy? Which ones would benefit society? Which ones would be profitable?

This is the same problem creatives, like myself, encounter with jobs. As a creative, I am capable of doing a lot. I have the skills and abilities to make magic happen because I have this wild potential-seeking mind. I solve problems constantly. Ideas bloom, literally, in my sleep. I cannot keep up with them. So of course I do well in problem solving environments. I can do anything in theory, but that doesn't necessarily mean I flourish.

I could, for example, work in a 9-5 job. But, frankly, I might kill myself. I don't say that as a rhetorical device. Working 9-5 doing something that is busy work, surrounded by hundreds of cubicles makes me want to jump off a bridge. Really. There isn't enough variety. People are telling me what to do and how to do it, when those are the kinds of things I excel at on my own. It is soul sucking and does not make use of the extent of my gifts. So of course I would bang my head against the wall and need to take some kind of mood altering prescriptions just to survive.

That is not living.

But what about traditional jobs that do honor my tendencies? What about jobs that do allow me to make use of my crazy idea creation and vetting process? Where are they? What are they? How do I find these things?

The easy thing is to decide what I want to do and then find that.

*blinks while looking blankly*

Right. Remember how I just explained the different ideas I have? Remember how many I have every day before breakfast alone?! What do I want to do? How do I figure that out?

Well, there are the books by career counselors that can be helpful. But what if the required skills you need to do the thing you want to do are out of reach. What if, for example, I decide I want to be a professor for a day job and then, I am rejected by the doctoral programs that would essentially guarantee me such a position (or at least make it possible)?

That is a pickle.

So I end up staring down at my list of ideas, like my wild and crazy skills, wondering how I can cobble them together into a job.

I mean, I know. I know what job I want. What kind of success I want. I know that. I've got it in my head and I visualize it every day (read: comic convention panels, women's conference panels, writing workshops...the list goes on). But, the path to getting there is foggy. The ideas run fast and hard and I can see about twenty different routes to achieving the same thing. Which to choose?

It is like the dog with two water dishes. He sits there, staring at both, getting progressively more thirsty, never drinking. How does he choose? Which one is better? The answer is neither. They both have good water. Both will work. It is whichever one he likes. But the dishes are the same, he thinks. But they aren't. One is on the left, the other on the right. One is nearer the window, the other nearer his owner's chair. It does not matter which he chooses, except that one quenches his thirst and makes him feel good.

But I might regret not choosing the other dish!

Yeah...well...cost of business. All paths will reach the destination. Both dishes solve the problem of thirst. But sitting there ruminating about it won't do anything.

I am actually drinking water. I have actually four books that will definitely be published this year. Two are finished, but in revision phases. Two just need a few more chapters complete and will be done. That's kind of amazing. That means I will have finished four books while watching a toddler...since January. That's kind of remarkable.

I am definitely drinking the water here. I submitted pieces to magazines and got positive rejections (I just added a third to my group...) which means I'm getting closer on that front as well. Closer, but not there...yet.

But in the mean time, waiting for thirst to abate, I'm wondering if this is okay. If my time wouldn't be better spent doing other things. Should I use my skills somewhere else? Should I do something else? Should I have a day job outside of raising my kid? Could I manage that? I applied to a few traditional jobs, and I have to admit that I'm cautious. I mean, if I do not pursue my dream, my vision, part of me will die inside. It is that tension - the tension of giving up, of accepting defeat, versus continuing to battle, continuing the pursuit. The first is pushed by society at large (like, get real). The second is glorified (as in, "Wow! I could never do that! You're amazing!").

I think, no matter what, it is better to be on a path to achieving the goal than not. Not achieving the goal - the dream - is not okay. So I store my vetted ideas for later refusing to get distracted, continue pushing on the ones I've prioritized, and act as though I know what I'm doing. Which I don't. I'm just guessing here and hoping for the best. I mean, I think that's a pretty good idea.

Wild and Crazy Skills

Statue imitator?

What is the wildest and craziest thing you can do? I wondered. I asked. I got weird and entertaining answers. I started working on a companion workbook to go with my nonfiction book (both coming out in a few months...hopefully). It all got me thinking.

What can I do? What are the obscure skills I have? What angles can I fractal down to in order to analyze myself?

My experience includes, but is not limited to:

• Cat wrangling and training
• Toddler containment
• Garbage repurposing
• Daydream development
• Witty one-line IRL microblogging
• Surgical commentating
• Globalizing the personal
• Nap feigning
• Militant self-discipline
• Flexible time-management
• Smart phone camera operation
• Vocal impressions
• Psychic interpretation
• Meticulous bead design
• Mud sculpture
• Full body painting
• Braiding
• Pragmatic truth-telling
• Thumb piano composition
• Baby toy development
• Interpersonal communication mediation
• Immediate dance party creation
• Impromptu public-speaking
• Incessant challenge

Can I turn any of those things into a career? I mean, really. Not joking. Well, maybe a little. Okay, I'm totally joking, but if you came up with something that could use such random things, I would absolutely consider it. I just wonder if that is possible. Can you combine any of these things into a career? If so, what? And what are your weird skills and talents? Do you use them in your career? Tell me about it in the comments below...

What Change Wrought: Relationship, Writer's Block, and Self-Development

Sometimes strong feelings or major life events can be inspiring to a writer. Other times, they are the exact opposite.

For a while I was doing very well with my daily writing goals. I was consistent. Frequently I more than surpassed them by several thousand words! Recently, however, I've been struggling. I haven't written consistently in some time. I missed July by a long shot, neglecting my publication goal despite its reachability. I mean, Khloe could have been done by now. And I want to finish, intellectually. But I just don't have the motivation.

Part of this has been because my son has grown into a more active phase in his development. He does require energy stores that I used to put solely towards writing. However, to place the blame squarely on my child's activity level is unfair and unrealistic. Yes, his energy draw is large, but he takes naps. He plays by himself. He sleeps earlier than I do. I could realistically write even with his increased mobility. There is more going on. Much more.

As you know from reading earlier posts, I've been on quite a journey this year. Every week brings new change in myself and my perspective. It has been a healing time. It has been a beneficial time. I have learned things about myself and come to conclusions in this year that I never could have at other times in my life. I work out 6 days a week. I study Spanish daily. I try to eat balanced meals. I try to meditate at least once a day. I'm working towards specific professional goals.

And I am sincerely grateful for this. I am healthier, stronger, and generally more focused. It is an exciting time for me.

Unfortunately I have a major area of my life that is holding me back and I feel this is impacting my writing. My mind is so focused on this area that I have been uninspired to write. For someone like me who typically writes daily and has multiple books independently published, this is a strange turn.

I would even go so far as to say I have no interest in writing.

In fact, writing this blog post was a chore. I struggled to pick up the laptop. I wrote lines of several other posts and even wrote entire completely different posts before finally settling on this topic as worthy of publication on my blog. I agonized over the words in this post. I fretted over coming clean about this issue. And even still, there is much more I could confess to you, my gentle readers. But what should I say? What is too much? What is enough without making people uncomfortable?

Crazy, right? I mean, who does that? And what could possibly twist me up so badly as to cause such difficulties?

Well, I will answer: the next phase in my life journey. I am applying to PhD programs, and that necessarily is a point of excitement and trepidation. If I don't get accepted, it doesn't matter. I would be disappointed but I would get over it. I would decide on another goal. Rejection is not my worry. My worry is that it will create more relationship difficulties than I have at present.

You see, when someone undergoes transformation, it is impossible for things to stay the same. The equilibrium is disrupted and suddenly old habits don't fly any more. New things are required. Change doesn't just happen in the person transforming, but all around that person has to change. The question is, how?

Absolutely I have transformed. It began with my pregnancy and has continued for the 11 months since my son's birth. I am a completely different woman, with a completely different understanding of how I want to be in the world. Part of this had to do with acceptance of myself, part of it had to do with deciding what I wanted and then actually taking realistic measurable steps towards those things. And quite frankly, I know my husband isn't interested in the same things I'm interested in. It is not that he is consciously working against me getting my goals, but he isn't helping me get them either. As I try to shoot higher and higher, I feel more and more that I am weighted down.

I don't feel this way because I no longer love my husband or because he is sabotaging me. Neither of those things are strictly true. I feel this way because the longer and more entrenched my transformation becomes, the clearer it is to me that my husband is unable to change.  Or rather, he is so worried about what steps he should take, he doesn't take any. He doesn't change because he doesn't feel 100% confident in what he wants. He goes back and forth, afraid to stay where he is, and afraid to move forward. While he's waffling, I'm moving forward with my life, leaving him in the dust. I'm growing and changing quickly and he isn't...

It is pretty clear why I've been struggling with writing.

How can you do anything you love when something so crucial as your relationship is in the hands of someone else? I don't know. I struggle with it every day. It is painful to watch my spouse rely on old habits and struggle against the changing landscape that is our relationship and his very different wife. It is painful to watch him make choices that inevitably cause discord and difficulty. It is painful to watch him make choices that utilize a kind of logic that doesn't make the remotest bit of rational sense to me.

We're one week away from our 6 year anniversary, and I wonder how things will be moving forward. It is no longer my decision. I have made my choices and I'm comfortable with them. I just hope that he actively chooses his own transformation, one that will enhance and enrich my own. I hope he decides to join me.

In the mean time, I wonder. I wonder when things will change in such a way that I am once more inspired to write. I wonder what would make the difference for him. I wonder what will inspire him to transform. I wonder when I will be able to truly move forward in every aspect of my life. I can't handle the stagnation. It is upsetting.

Because right now, when I hold the computer on my lap, I don't want to write. I don't want to open my word processor. I don't want to open my blog post editor.

I just want to browse the web and forget.

Bootstrappers, A La Carts, and Whole Hogs

I hate the word "independent" because I feel like it's false advertising. Writers should come with labels just like vegetarians:

I'm a pesca-ova-lactarian.
I eat cheese, and chicken, but no beef.
I'm a cheese and veggie kind of girl.
No, I don't even eat honey.

Now, to be honest, I think anyone who eats any kind of animal flesh cannot call themselves vegetarian. When it comes to animal products, I think there are really three categories of food consumers: vegans (purists), vegetarians (digestively challenged?), and everyone else (see-foodists).

That's kind of how I feel about writing, but maybe there's a few additional categories.

There's the traditional writers (whole hogs), or those who went with publishers (big 6 or otherwise). Then there are the hybrid writers, which are kind of like those pesca-ova-lacta-poultry-bullshit vegetarians - trying to reap the rewards of both labels (many of them doing an excellent job, it should be noted!).

Then of course, there are the a la carts. These are people who pay someone else to do various writing services. Now, I'm not saying it isn't a good idea to involve other people, or that we don't need help...but...call a spade a spade. A. LA. CART.

And finally, there's the bootstrappers. The purists. The people who are so committed to the idea of indie, it's embarrassing. I have pictures of these people in my head - you know, that crazy straight-edge punk in your freshman dorm who wrote "straight-edge" in his own blood and then listened to the Misfits all day? Yeah. Those people. Totally bonkers. I mean, why - why - would anyone in their right mind choose to go completely DIY?!

Ahem.

*waves frantically with both hands while jumping up and down and grinning maniacally*

HIIiiiiii! That'd be me.

I'm a bootstrapper. I hate when someone who is only sort of independent claims this word. It's my word. It belongs to people like me. I'm the epitome of independent. I do everything myself. I'm responsible for my complete success or failure. I'm responsible for the flowery words, the typos, the turns of phrase, and the paragraph going off on someone's delicious sandwich (food centered today apparently). Me. Only me. I'm the American myth - the American legend. I am the American dream. I'm completely, beautifully, gloriously independent. Those other guys are posers! Pretenders! They say you need to have an editor. You need to go to conferences. You need to have a cover designer. But that's bullshit. I don't need these things. I can do it myself.

Be precise with your language people! I mean, we're frickin' writers here!

I imagine this is what being vegan must feel like.

Sort of.

Except, the thing is, help is nice. I don't actually begrudge people for paying for services. I just hate feeling like everyone has a sugardaddy footing their service bill. I mean, those conference tickets are expensive. Hundreds of dollars could pay my monthly loan payment (one of them anyway). As my starving artist indie self, I really can't purchase entry to a writer's conference. I can't justify spending hundreds of dollars on editing services when I need to buy clothes for my baby and tools so my husband can do his job.

I'm not in the same league as these other "indie" authors. We're not in the same league because we have different levels of support. Living on one income, while being a stay at home mom, and writing...it's not easy. Granted, I was forced to develop a bunch of skills. I was forced to research things on my own. I was forced to do things that if I'd been in a comfy big 6 situation, I would never have done. You know, like figuring out how to make beet burgers, kale chips, or baking with agave nectar.

There's a reason why bootstrappers are so tough. It might take us a while to get where we're aiming, but we'll get there. We stumble and we trip, and we take detours. But we do our own course correction. We figure it out on our own. I mean seriously, how much more American can you get.

The House, The City: The Crunchy Hipster Dream

Mom, Dad, Baby & kitty? (wikipedia)

Lately Christian and I have been thinking a lot about where we want to go and how we want to live. It's a question that colors our thoughts daily especially as we've been living with my parents since late October. I love my parents and I love having our family close to them and to my in-laws - especially for our baby's sake; but it's also increased some stress levels for everyone (Yesterday I actually saw lights, my blood pressure spiked so high - not good!).

We have to decide where we want to go long term and how we want to live when we get there. In short, we have to have plans (seeing a trend with me these days?).

Because of Christian's job situation and me being at home, writing with our baby, Southern California (or rather California generally) hasn't really been very hospitable. California has 13 of the top 15 most unaffordable real estate markets in the country. Several of them were areas where we have lived because that's where the jobs were. The others in the state that had work for Christian had something else really unappealing (like horrible air quality or ridiculously high temperatures and no water ANYWHERE). Plus, there are some cultural things in Southern California that we're not interested in having our children exposed to.

Needless to say, California really doesn't feel like a place we can stay without increasing our stress levels enormously. But I also don't want our kids to be far from family...

That means the west coast is the best coast (though I wouldn't mind being back east, I think that wouldn't sit well with either set of grandparents). So where can we go and feel good (financially and otherwise) in the west?

Well seeing as we eat salad and recycle, and think brown people should have rights we can't move anywhere in Arizona (crossed off list). Nevada feels like the same kind of situation, if a little more...uh...seedy organized crime and less vigilante. Idaho...has some possibilities, but it's also pretty conservative politically and I'd rather not live anywhere where accidental eavesdropping could make Christian get into a brawl.

So...that leaves Oregon and Washington.

I love seasons. I love snow (especially when I can cross-country ski in it). I love apples and wool sweaters and fireplaces. I'm not a huge fan of gray, BUT if I have some awesome things to focus on, I can love a place despite gray. Christian hasn't lived in snow, or seasons, but he hates heat. He's a sweatball, and our son takes after him, so I think snow and rain is a better choice for our family than dirt and 120 F.

Plus, we have some friends up there, which is appealing to both of us.

We've played around with different locations and researched things and so far our top two choices are Bellingham WA and Corvalis OR. The question is when and how.

At this point we're thinking around a year and a half from now, or something like that will be a good time to move. This will give us some time to pay off our educational loans (or at least pay them down) and create a nest egg of sorts. Right now that nest egg could be either a micro house on a trailer base (a serious interest for both Christian and me), or a savings account for moving/down payment, or both (ideally both, but we may be able to swing things with one or the other).

If we can pull this off, we'll be in really good shape. We'll have a mountain of debt off our shoulders. We'll own our home (if not the land it's on...yet) and we'll be in our dream location (at least for this part of life). We're focusing on it, which means it will happen, for sure, right? :-D

The Imaginative Subconscious Mind

Where will this dream lead?

My current project is loosely based on the worlds created by my delightfully overactive subconscious mind (I'm actually using this post to help generate some specific details for the next installment of the novel...crossing my fingers!).

I have, for as long as I can remember, the most emotionally intense, vividly detailed, saga length dreams. Whenever I describe my dreams to other people they look at me like I'm crazy.

You know Game of Thrones?
You know the Xanth books?
How about the Valdemar books?
What about Malazan?

Yeah. Like that.

That's how I dream. Every night that I remember my dreams, it's like I've read through an entire fantasy series. Sometimes I get "best of" repeats of themes or locations. Very rarely do people repeat. Very rarely do specific situations repeat.

I dream about wars. Battles are fought between good and evil in my dreams. Philosophies are squabbled over. Demons come to claim the souls of champions who must fight them back into the pits of hell.

Loves are star-crossed. Some are unrequited. Resolution comes with a bittersweet price.

Sometimes I lucid dream. I usually think about what I'm dreaming of as I'm dreaming, but occasionally I'll actively change something. If a character from my dream thinks I need to know something, they'll respond directly to me about a thought I'm having - this always freaks me out because I'm almost never talking to them.

When I make an effort to lucid dream and I'm worried there will be a battle or a monster or something, I carry a claymore across my back (I am Scottish!). It's nearly the size of me, but I'm dreaming so I can carry it and wield it easily.  Then I kill whatever I don't like with my giant sword. When something dies, it turns to a sort of gray vapor and dissipates. I get the best of both worlds this way - no mess or gross, and satisfying destruction of whatever is bothering me.

Sometimes I dream about the future, and it comes true. This is a little unnerving and unfortunately I've never been able to really keep track of things or dream of something useful (i.e. I can't do the whole, "beware, this is a bad idea! steer clear!" or tell someone who they're going to marry, so don't bother asking.). Usually it's just a moment in time, like eating dinner at a diner or sitting in church, or knowing a conversation before it happens (Once I even dreamed an episode of Castle before it was shown - so useless.).

Typically I dream of a cluster of moments surrounding a major crossroads or life event (such as when my husband lost his job or when my son was born - both happening in the span of 2 months). And these dreams usually occur anywhere from six months to a year beforehand from what I've observed. The moments show up disguised in my crazy epic dreams, a way of thinking about things - like seeing a chessboard with people instead of pieces. Then I see them play out in real life...that's as best as I can explain it.

Yeah. My dream life is...intense.

This is how I'm able to create such crazy worlds and complex relationships in my novels. I imagine all kinds of possibilities in my subconscious mind. The more I learn, the more I incorporate.

I play out all kinds of concepts, ideas, and choices. My dreamscape is a place where I can determine where my heart really lies or come to a decision (I married my husband because of a dream. No joke. Call me crazy.).

Dream are a curious thing. Some symbols are universal, others cultural, while still others are personal. They are a point of fascination for many people, and have been a point of study for psychologists (even spawning areas like depth psychology). Needless to say, dreamscapes are a fantasy/sci-fi writer's candy factory. In the case of my current project, they (combined with my strange fascination for the paranormal) have directed many aspects of my writing.

It will be interesting to see exactly how this novel manifests itself - and even more so, what you think of it. ;-)

Declarations & The Master Writer Plan

Yesterday I posted about how excited I am to have been consistently reaching my goals, but of course, being the INFJ Myers Briggs type that I am, I'm always hungry. I want more. I came across Russell Blake's prolific works and it made me irritated. It's hard for me to be a mom the majority of the day when what I'd really like to be doing is moving on my career, especially when I don't have someone to watch the baby (nor can I afford someone to). It's hard and I have to be patient with myself, which I'm learning. That starts with breathing, moves to yogic focus, and then ends with steady results.

What's the focus? Well, I came across another site that helped me hone things a little more. I know my focus of my writing - women (and a little fun on the side). I know how many books I want to write in a year (7 - modest by Mr. Blake's standard, but pretty high compared to most writers) and how long I want to take doing all this. But all of this doesn't mean anything unless I have readers - devout-buy-all-my-books-and-are-hungry-for-more readers.

Readers are how I can make a living. Readers are the point of writing (or well, at least one of the points). So the question is how many readers do I want? How much money do I need to make to live?

This year I need 1500 readers to buy each of the 14 books I intend to have published by December 31 2014.

That would give us enough money to put a down payment on a mortgage in a new city so we can make a fresh start. That's what I need for my family. Now I need to let that goal sit with my subconscious mind for a little while so that I can figure out how to make that happen. I know I can make it happen because already I see a difference in how things are moving in my writing and in my personal space. The intention is there. The declaration is there. And now it's time for things to move.

Speaking of things moving, I need to get writing and editing. Stay tuned for more about promotion, and the first book of 2014.

One Week Later - 2014 Writing Plan In Action

I can't believe it took me this long to figure out the best way to divide and conquer writing! Why didn't I do this before?!

So far reaching my daily goal has been very doable for me. When I have a day that I can't for some reason, I just make up the difference the next day. I've been following this plan for a week and I'm actually a little ahead of my word count goals AND I'm finished with my first book and have moved onto the second which may be finished sooner than I expected.

Phew!

Things are moving faster than I anticipated in part because my word counts were just estimates. In some cases they were pretty far off (50% off for several of the non-fiction pieces). It also helps that I had some of the writing done already (in one form or another). In short, I'm jamming. It's a great place to be. It's a place of power.

I feel so empowered by the movement on my 2014 writing plan, I'm already aggressively pursuing other things (after I meet my word count daily that is!), including where we want to live etc. I've been doing yoga every night along with journaling. The whole thing has made my life so much clearer. I feel like a completely different person.

Now that I've taken some of the clear steps I have to figure out the next ones - such as promotion (i.e. how to get the readers), how to get the house, the car, and make the connections I need to make. I wanted to share my immediate joy with you now, and let you know how helpful I've found this process so far. Next time (or at least soon) I'll share with you some of the insights I've come across in promotion etc. Hopefully they'll shed some light on things for other writers and creatives in similar situations.

And now some more steps...

40 Things I'll do When I'm a Billionaire...

Or rich and famous or whatever... everyone has a list of things they'd do or be. I'm feeling wistful so I decided to share some of the things I'd do if I was stupidly rich.

1. Buy a boat - specifically a kayak. I frickin LOVE kayaks. Maybe two. I could go paddling with friends. That would be awesome.
2. Pay off my debts - I don't know why this is second, but I guess I just like fun a little more. Still, this is something I'd like to get done.
3. Buy some land, maybe a few plots in different locations. I REALLY want to build/design at least one house. I think it would be a marvellous adventure, and you can't beat the personalization.
4. Establish a school and after school program. I show my academic stripes here, but honestly I've fantasized about this since I was in elementary school. I'd like to have something special, for kids who have something to them, whatever that might be (regardless of their economic status).
5. Invest some money, you know, with the kind of plan that would make the Johnson family look like amateurs (Think 10 generations of wealth as opposed to 5! Beat that with your soap empire!).
6. And what would I do with that investment money? Take care of my parents for one.
7. And probably my in-laws as well.
8. And of course set something up for my son - a trust of some sort that could only become accessible after he had genuinely tried to make his way in the world. Not a drop would be his until he'd done something with himself (the same with any other children should we have them).
9. I'll hire a publicist who was more than worth her salt.
10. I'll take dance lessons. A lot of them. Salsa. Ballroom. West African. Belly dancing. Hula. Swing. Hip-hop. I absolutely LOVE dancing.
11. I'd get Lasik (well, I'd like to get Lasik anyway.).
12. And with my new eyes I'd take up archery. There's nothing like shooting a sharp-ended stick at a target using a piece of tight string!
13. I'll get regular massages, waxes, manicures, and pedicures. I believe in pampering.
14. Go to writing conferences.
15. Travel to all the places I really want to see, namely China, Ireland, Italy, Southern India, the Yucatan (assuming there's nothing violent happening there), Greece, Alaska, Hawaii, France, Germany, Japan, South Korea, Macao, Brazil, Egypt (again with the nothing violent business), and New Zealand (There's more places I'm sure, but I think that's a pretty good start.).
16. Buy a few pieces of commercial property.
17. I'll set up a foundation.
18. Of course I'd start a few businesses.
19. And I'd have to pursue all those crazy ideas I'm always having. I might even have to start a think tank just to research the viability of such ideas.
20. I'd have to hire some personal staff, including but not limited to an assistant, accountant/financial advisor, and a lawyer. It's always good to have a few extra sets of hands to deal with the mess money makes.
21. I will STILL be grateful for the wonderful things I have in my life, like my son, my husband, and my cat.
22. Oh, and I will try to actually learn a couple languages (more than just the few choice phrases I've acquired throughout my education).
23. I might buy a vineyard because that sounds fun!
24. I will host nice gatherings where people who are genuine can mingle with other genuine people.
25. Buy a space for an art and music studio.
26. Go to plays.
27. See awesome music shows.
28. See dance troupes.
29. Buy a really comfortable mattress.
30. I'll have a few more kids.
31. I might buy a horse.
32. I'll find a designer who can handle curves to design my wardrobe.
33. Someone else will cut and style my hair.
34. Take several cooking classes to get a good handle on Asian dishes and bread/pastry making.
35. I would start a non-profit consulting company that would help non-profits become more efficient/make the most of their resources.
36. I might go to the dermatologist.
37. I'll visit amusement parks.
38. Volunteer at schools and/or local charities.
39. Start a magazine or a newspaper/site.
40. Most importantly, no matter what I did, I would always live life to the fullest.

There are other things I could dream up that hinge on obscene wealth (or even just moderate wealth), but the thing about this list is that it still comes from a particular place. Yes there is stuff on this list, but there are experiences as well. There is giving. I hope that should I come into money at some point, this approach to life won't change. Then again, a stack of money probably isn't enough to undo years and years of socialization in compassion and adventurousness. At least I hope not!

What would you do with a bagillion dollars? Leave a comment below!

RH Negative Fun and Complications

If you didn't know already, I'm actually magical.

Okay no, not really. But I am apparently a human-ancient alien hybrid. That's right folks! I'm part reptile! Or something... :-/

If you didn't get the overwhelming sarcasm of the last paragraph, you might be Californian, or just reading, but rest-assured, it was sarcastic.

But seriously, I am (according to the latest two rounds of blood tests from two separate lab companies) rh negative. In the U.S. we only make up about 15-16% of the population. And there are reasons for this. Because well, rh negs like myself, our blood doesn't do positive - like, at all.

When positive and negative blood mix...they clump in a weird way. This is because negative blood will attack the positive blood. You can imagine the kinds of problems this might cause in transfusions etc.

Christian unfortunately doesn't know his rh status, which means he has to get tested before 28 weeks into my pregnancy. If his blood is negative, then I don't have to get an extra series of shots. If he is positive, I do...or my baby could die.

Alright, the first baby probably won't die. But the second could.

This is because if the baby is positive and my blood and the baby's mix, I could build up antibodies to reject future babies, or just make them terribly sick. Either way I look at it, we're about 1.5 months out from him needing to be absolutely certain his blood is one way or the other.

When I got my own blood test back, my mom didn't believe it. She is positive. My dad is positive. I just happened to be the 33% unlikely offspring of two +/- parents. Lucky me. I will blame my grandparents for this one (my maternal grandmother and probably my paternal grandfather, though I'll never know with that one).

And their legacy? What exactly is this fun little factor that I have that makes pregnancy just a little more complicated? Where did it come from?

Well, they think it may have come from Neanderthals. Or at least, that's the going theory that doesn't yet have scientific proof (that part of the gene hasn't been sequenced yet). The reason people think this strange and rather useless blood factor came from Neanderthals? Well, most people like the idea of something that could kill babies coming from a foreign group. That would be an easy explanation. The only other explanation I could find is simple goofy evolution.

Most people like this idea that rh negative blood makes them special. It's a fun little theory (or science fiction). I've read all kinds of strange things about rh negative blood people, connecting all kinds of random traits to this blood type.


The most popularly spouted of these are the physical characteristics and the psychic/empathic/electrical ones. I've also read a lot of stuff connecting ruling classes to rh negative blood - blue bloods.

Damn.

So let's just, for shits and giggles, go through one of the more extensive lists I've found.

1. Hazel eyes? Check. 
2. Ion shielding? Going with no (what the hell is that?!). 
3. Reddish hair? Check. I've always had natural red highlights. 
4. Low blood pulse and body temperature? Does the inability to control my body temperature count? I'm going to...check. 
5. Low blood pressure? Check. 
6. Sharp sight or hearing? Well my sight sucks, but my hearing is actually off the charts (I've had it tested), so check. 
7. Pronounced intuition? I'm loathe to say this one, but check.  
8. Extra rib or vertebrae? Not to my knowledge. 
9. Love of space and science? Check! But who doesn't? 
10. Sense of not belonging? Check. But I always attributed this to being, well, different in my approach to life - not to my genetics!
11. Piercing eyes? Uh, based on anecdotal evidence provided by third party observers, I will check.
12. Paranormal occurrences? Damn. Check.
13. Psychic dreams? Check. In my family, they're actually called "an Alexis."
14. Truth seeking? Check. But who doesn't?
15. Desire for higher wisdom? Check. But again, isn't this common?
16. Enhanced empathy? Check, though I wish I didn't.
17. Compassion for humanity? It depends on the day...I guess check.
18.   Higher mental analytical abilities? You mean, am I smart? Yeah. I'm pretty smart. Check.
19. Mission in life? Sigh. Check.
20. Psychic abilities? Do we have to talk about this again? I feel weird. Check.
21. Unexplained scars? What the hell do scars have to do with anything? NO!
22. High sensitivity to EM and ELF fields? Lol. Yeah, I'm actually an EMP. DOUBLE CHECK!
23. Alien contact? Psht! No!

So out of 23 weird separate characteristics popularly attributed to rh negative people, I've got 19 of them.

Oh, and just so we're clear on the ruling class business, yes, my family has blood ties to European nobility. So if we add that, I'm shooting 20 out of 24. Sheesh.

While I'd love an explanation as to why I break phones, computers, and dishwashers, or regularly have clairvoyant dreams, I don't connect these things to my blood type. The only thing that I absolutely do connect to my blood type is the very real and dangerous possibility of making my baby sick (s/he just started kicking to remind me why I would take preventative measures to protect the kiddo). So unless (or until) science somehow proves that I'm related to the Nephilim or the Annunaki, I'll just chalk the high correlation of traits to coincidence.

It is coincidence...right??? Please tell me this is just coincidence. I don't want to be anecdotal proof of these fringe theories!

Looking For Opportunity in a Forced Stay-at-home-mom Hand

The Real Face of Stay-At-Home Mothers: Those Who Have No Other Financial Option - Forbes

I found this article because being this side of 20 weeks makes the issues of financial stability that much more pressing - that much more frightening.

Today when I got home from work, Christian was looking at other apartments. We don't want to move yet, because I'm so close to my job now (let alone the birth center), but come July when my contract's up we may have to.

We're also looking at the retirement accounts that we've acquired which have been losing money for years. When you're not making enough interest to cover inflation, it doesn't make sense to continue doing what you've always done. Does draining those accounts scare me? Yes. Absolutely. Am I more concerned about paying less interest on our student loans and being able to pay for essential baby gear? Yes. Absolutely.

And like the women the Forbes article cites, I find myself in a situation that is less of a choice and more forced at this point in our lives.

Unlike the supposed new face of SAHMs, I'm not foreign-born. I am younger, but certainly not the youngest mother-to-be on the block. The economy may be coming back, but I happen to live in a place where many of my skills are redundant. The Bay Area is flooded with young, highly educated people - many with less experience who are willing to work for less money. 

Who needs someone who studied interfaith dialogue? Politics? Art? Who worked in education without a teacher's certification? Who doesn't have a doctorate? Who has no interest in being a corporate stooge?

When I was looking for full time work, there wasn't any. Even the jobs that were in line with my professional experience weren't interested in me for whatever reason. I guess I didn't know enough people in the area or whatever. Regardless, I decided to give up on full time work to pursue something else - the result of which is partially this blog (the other half being my books which you should buy and read - of course!).

Now I find myself in a position where my hand is forced. I DO want to stay at home, actually. I want to have time with my kiddo. I want to see every first. But I also don't want to become lonely, depressed, or crazy (or any combo thereof). And unfortunately, that is a real possibility.

I grew up having everything I wanted. My family went on regular vacations. I didn't have 20 sets of lessons, but I spent my time in self-directed exploration with kits, tools, and crafts my parents gave me. I had my own room.

As of right now, I can't give those things to my child and it pains me. It pains me that I feel like they will have a worse life than I did.

I know other couples have started with less and ended up doing remarkable things. My parents went from a parsonage with piddily salaries in Philly to living in their own condo in Santa Barbara wine country. Christian's parents worked hard and went from renting a tiny place outside of Camarillo to owning a sizeable house in Santa Barbara. Neither was (or even is) easy. Still they did it. It's not impossible, or at least it didn't use to be. But I don't want to get ahead of myself on the cynic train...

So I remind myself that life leads us in directions we cannot anticipate. I remind myself that J.K. Rowling wrote some of her books on bits of napkins when she was a struggling single mother. Other writers have dealt with scores of rejections and gone on to do great things and have best sellers (even with some of the books that were originally rejected time and time again). Other women have made SAH work for them even with only one income that was lower than the national median.

I can do it. I know. I can be strong. I just don't want to have to be. I feel like we've been doing this our whole marriage and I want a solid break. I want my time of blatant abundance to arrive already. I want zero debt, healthy investments, and a fat savings account. I want vacations to places I've never seen that involve visiting museums or taking lessons that cost more than free because I can afford it.

I want more than I grew up with.

I think this is a more common occurance than many would like to admit. Perhaps we were brainwashed so well we thought we could have a loving marriage, a nice house, well adjusted kids, AND healthy finances. Maybe the truth is we can't have all those things. Maybe we have to let go - be more zen and less attached to these ideas of what happiness and security mean. If I can open myself up to possibilities and begin to dream of ways life can be more wonderful, perhaps I can see opportunities for greatness staring me in the face.

That is my personal goal - to dream of ways life can be more wonderful every day and to be open to possibility. Life can surprise us. We must remember. Every moment ends as another begins.

So yes, I am staying at home under uncomfortable circumstances at first. But I know this is a big year. I know this isn't a grim situation, but an a opportunity. I just don't know exactly what opportunity it is. I'm keeping my eyes and heart open.

Gender Prediction Dreams

Pregnancy is often associated with an increase in intuition. This may have to do with changes in the brain preparing women for motherhood or it could be we're just better attuned to our bodies than before.

For whatever reason, many women find themselves knowing things before hand - or having a degree of clairsentience.

While I've had my share of prescient dreams (often culminating in a deja vu like moment years later), I can't say I've had much of either occur during pregnancy. The deja vu moments I've had have not been related to pregnancy, but more to do with writing (crossing my fingers here). I think I had a moment when we were going through a name list spreadsheet, but that's all.

Then 2 nights ago I had a dream. I'm very sensitive to my dreams, so I pay close attention to their details and often ask questions or press things in my dreams lucidly.

This one threw me for a loop.

I've been feeling, for the most part, this baby is a boy. I can't tell you why, I just do. My dream however had me birth a baby girl named "Gabi" short for Gabriela. I really don't like that name...like at all. I would never name my kid that. In fact, as I was dreaming I thought, "This is the opposite of what will happen."

Often times women will only dream the opposite of what they are having. This was the first and only gender dream I've had, so I can't come down on either side of the dream debate. I will say this, educated women (women with college or more) have been shown to make predictions of their baby's sex with 71% accuracy. If you look at all women, it's only 55% accuracy - basically a guess. So educated women are more likely to pick up on physical cues and well, know.

Since I've been pretty on the mark with the crowd on everything else (symptoms, growth etc), I expect I will be on this as well. That said, I know if I have a little girl I will adore her just as much as I would a boy. I've seen that in myself. But honestly, when it comes right down to it, I think I'd be a better mom to boys.

I worry about my tendency towards coldness and tough love. I am so passionate about honesty, it can be hurtful sometimes. Over time this has been tempered, but it still comes out especially with direct questions or when I'm tired or hungry. I know, from personality traits (and even the length of my ring finger - yes, that's a thing) I have a higher testosterone level for a woman. Women with higher testosterone levels tend to have boys because well, they're better at raising boys.

I've never been good with girls. I have maybe 3 girlfriends I talk to on a regular basis, and they are all women who tend to hang out with guys. Girliness bugs me like you wouldn't believe. I hate the idea of carnation pink and lilac purple. I don't do well with manicures because the paint chips in like 30 seconds - I'm too active with art etc to keep my nails nice (let alone my cuticles - don't look at them, ever!). As a child I liked dolls as much as I did rocks and cars. Most of my playmates were boys. I only learned how to really do make up and hair in my 20s because I read magazines and made a friend whose art was that of fashion.

Girls?! Gah! Their pettiness and hurtful words aren't something I want to help a child through, though I know I'll have to - boy or girl (There's always a group of girls like that at school - you know it's true!).

All this is to say, what if my crazy "Gabi" dream wasn't intuitive at all, but just a combination of my concerns and my gut feelings? I don't know. I have the option of finding out the sex in a week. I'm half way - 20 weeks today. I still don't know if I want to find out. I like the idea of keeping things neutral. Ultrasounds aren't always accurate anyway. Then again, we may do something in between and get a sealed envelope and do a special dinner or something to find out the sex at a later time. I can't decide. This last option seems a good compromise between Christian's and my leanings. Then I could see if my instincts and these Chinese charts are right or wrong. Either way, I'm definitely not having a "Gabi" (no offense to those Gabis out there - it's just not my kind of a name).

Subconsciousness is weird. *grimace*

When Is It "Real"?

I still don't believe it.

It doesn't matter how many times I vomit, or how often I have to eat, or snap at Christian, or cry over the most inane things.

I still don't really feel pregnant.

I'm 16 weeks, heard the heartbeat, seen the ultrasound and it feels more like a dream or a production than reality. Even when Christian reminds me constantly "It's because you're pregnant!!" I almost want to snap back, "No! Liar!!"

Of course I *know* I'm pregnant. I know in my head that's what's going on and I'm not just an emotional eater gaining a bunch of belly weight. I know the vomit isn't some eating disorder or strange disease.

Okay, maybe it is a strange condition...

But seriously...I'm not sure when it will become truly real for me. There are moments that seem real, but the vast majority feel like a strange dream I'm trying not to forget.

I wonder if in the next few weeks movement will make the difference. Maybe a giant full belly and a waddle will bring it home. It could even be labor...but maybe not. Maybe the whole thing won't sink in until I've got a little person laying on my chest, gray-eyed, and wondering why they had to leave that wonderful womb warmth.

Yeah. I'm going with that one.

Man pregnancy is weird! ...or it could just be me...