The End (A Poem)

There are so many thoughts running through my head. At first I thought I would just journal, but then I thought maybe there are some other people who are experiencing these things.

So, as a writer tends to do, I will share. This piece reflects on issues within the last few chapters of THRIVE: HOW I BECAME A SUPERHERO and serves as a reminder that even when we've gotten through part of the journey, there's always more time to be in the crucible.
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How can a parent consciously choose something that would be bad for their child? How can a parent willfully choose the interest of a friend, stranger, or the altar of an all-mighty idea over the best interest of their child? Their grandchildren?

How can a person not see what is in their best interest? How can a person not see what will be the best for their family? Community? City? State? Country? World?

I thought these things were obvious. I feel like they are obvious. They are so GOD DAMN OBVIOUS HOW COME YOU CAN'T FIGURE THIS OUT?!?!

It must be a lack of empathy.
It must be some an attachment to a mental self unrelated to reality. So they vote for their pretend best interest, instead of reality. This is torture.

Did you know there are black churches burning in the south? In a week. Less than every 2 days...one lights.

The mustard dried up.
And the brush burns.
What a sickly gas!

I cough and sputter when smoke blows on the wind. The sun grows dark and I close the windows hoping it passes - thankful for people trained, given full benefits, and protected by unions who brave the flames.

And it's one thing when it's a dusty canyon. It's another when it's a wooden church. A church - a place of prayer, of love, hope, and peace. A sanctuary - where people seek shelter from the storms of life, of which there are so many....crossing the mid-west it feels like pinball.

Bouncing us all around, pick a season, pick a weather - you will find it here!

And here we are. And I keep watching people on their journeys, sharing their excitement - sharing their successes and while I smile I can't help feeling I should be further along.

I was supposed to be further along.

I'm supposed to be more than I am.

I was supposed to have a house, a newer car, a career, a savings account. I was supposed to have a name for myself. I was supposed to be established. I was supposed to feel secure.

I was, I was. I was!

But I am. I still am. It is hard to read another peer bought another house. It is hard to see another peer beginning their family in safety and comfort. They don't have my worries. They don't feel my squeeze.

I remind myself this is transition. I remind myself this is not forever. I refuse to let this be much longer. I refuse to withstand this longer. I can't watch my husband sacrificing so much - so much, for so little. He deserves so much more. We deserve so much more. Our son deserves so. much. more.

I will find it. I will get it. I will have this. I have this. I got this. Just a little more. Just a little longer. By this time next year, the world will look differently.

I feel this. I know this. It sits in my gut, a burning coal.
I could choke on the smoke, but I don't.
I'm Ms. Fusion in a lake of flame.
Nothing touches my heat.

And you know, the world doesn't end with water.

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Don't Be a Writer

Note: This was written to advise those thinking about pursuing, or contemplating a more professional trajectory into writing. Because, you need to know, if you didn't already, what it is really like.

The early days of a starving artist...

My dear aspiring writer, don't. Don't be a writer. This is not a job you should choose. If there is anything else you would enjoy doing, do that. This is especially true if you have remotely thin skin because you will have to defend your choice at every turn. You will have to defend your craft and your creation. This is because from the very earliest part of a writing career, you are constantly attacked.

First, everyone will tell you it is impossible. They will say it a thousand times. They will say only the superstars make it. No one, however, knows what makes a superstar, and when you ask these people how superstars become superstars, they will name someone who already made it in another field with a ghostwritten book about said field. The other true writing stars? They paid whatever dues all writers must pay and that process remains a mystery to everyone, even the stars.

Everyone will say no one knows what makes a successful book. In fact, this is one thing everyone agrees on. Family and friends don't know how writing can be successful. Agents and writers don't know what books will be successful. No one in publishing understands people's tastes. Shitty writers can make millions of sales while pure genius prose can be used as drink coasters for Big Gulps. So if you can't handle that level of unknown, just don't bother writing.

If you're impatient, you really shouldn't write. The submission process involves a painful amount of waiting. You have to submit to a thousand agents to get a read through if you are anything like the other millions of people doing the same thing. And these agents will send you letters, time and again, saying it isn't quite right. They aren't interested in repping a book they aren't totally passionate about, and your book just doesn't do it for them. They send these notes anywhere from a week after receiving your query, to never. You might never get a response at all and will have to infer that your writing just wasn't good enough for them to be your advocate.

Some people will say you should get a few stories published and that will help your chances. Maybe having a few published pieces will convince agents it is worth taking a chance on you. But you have to find the right home for your stories. You might read a bunch of magazines and think you found the right one, but your opinion doesn't matter. It's the editor's opinion that matters. And so you get rejected. Again.

Others will say, write some articles! And the process repeats with the addition of some head banging against either a table top, a wall, or both.

Finally someone will say, why don't you self-publish? But of course, self-publishing is looked down upon by pretty much everyone. You can't be writing good work if you self-publish, even though a lot of “superstars” go on to self-publish, and a lot of self-published authors go on to be picked up by traditional publishers (only after they have sold thousands upon thousands of copies under their own steam). And so many other people have self-published and have nothing to show for it. Your chances are slim, even if you follow every book marketing guru's instructions for success. After all, they have no idea what makes for a successful book.

Determined, you read more writing blogs. You read about the successes and failures of your superstars. You try to fit into the molds of different agents and publishing houses. You try to fit into the molds of the market. You make a thousand mistakes. You try again. You make more mistakes. You try again. You open a bottle of whiskey and chug half of it. You write. You lay awake at night with terrible heartburn wishing you knew what to do, that someone would mentor you to success. You rewrite. You think if you could just figure out the magical formula that mixes lead and snake oil you could get gold.

You write every day for months on end. You blog. You comment on other writers' work. You read. You drink the other half of the whiskey bottle mixed with Ethiopian coffee brewed in your French press, because this is what you have in your kitchen to eat. You have become the epitome of the starving artist. It happened some time between the first set of agent queries and one of the rounds of rejections from literary zines. You lose weight. You wear thrift shop clothes that make Macklemore proud. You only buy generic food from the grocery store, and at some point you will finally break down and go to the food pantry when your last bit of pride is stripped away.

But then, you get an email back. It is unexpected. It is a single website where you thought your work would fit in perfectly. They want to print it. SUCCESS! You got an article posted on a website besides your free blog! You're going somewhere! You're a real writer!

That iota of affirmation is all you needed to get through another series of grueling rejections of another piece of your creative soul.

The dream isn't dead. It just got a fresh shock back to life. But never fear, you'll feel this again. And again. Always just on the brink of death, you'll get jolted, pulled back in by that horrible temptress hope.

So don't be a writer. It promises a lifetime of psychological masochism. Be an accountant, or a paralegal. Be a mid-level manager in a large corporation. You'll have a regular salary and so much less psychic pain.

But if there is nothing else that you can do – if it is impossible for you to stop writing – then you must write. You can never be happy doing anything else. You will never be fulfilled. You will never have solace. You will carry the burden of creation within you and without the pen and paper, the keys and screen, you will explode. Or worse, you will rot, the stories inside their womb, dead, festering, spreading their necrosis across your spirit. It will affect every relationship. It will affect every interaction. It will mark every second of your life – with that horrible longing ache that comes when words must be written, when ideas crave expression.

No one will think worse of you publicly for becoming a writer. They will praise your courage and bravery – your commitment to the craft. They will tell you time and again how they always wanted to write a book but never had the time, the energy, or a single coherent idea. If you have completed manuscripts they will fawn over you. If you have published anything, even independently, they will gush over you, amazed they met someone, anyone, with enough discipline and courage to not only finish, but share their vulnerable creation with the world. They will marvel at you, that despite all the reasons not to be a writer, you chose it, and continue to, not because you are a masochist, but the very opposite; because you hate pain.

Because if you are a writer by birth, and do not write, your existence is sheer agony. In this case, it is much better to write, much better to subject yourself to that Promethean submission process. Then at least, there is some chance of relief. This is the curse of the writer, the burden you must bear if you are a writer. If there is no choice.

But, if you can choose, by all means, choose something else. This vocation is not for the weak of heart.

Ideas and Inaction: The 2 Water Dish Problem

Is that the right path over there?

For creatives, or starving artists, there's a problem in the realm of ideas. There are too many. Certainly that is my problem.

I wake up and have twelve different ideas by breakfast. Some of them I dream while in deep sleep. Others I discover in the course of getting my toddler dressed. Others I have while reading through my social media feeds. And then, when I have these ideas, I have to decide whether I should keep thinking about them - let them develop into something.

The process of vetting such ideas takes maybe a few seconds, but it always goes more or less like this:

"Oh shit! That would be an awesome story!"
"It would. It really would. People would read that."
"Damn! I could write that kind of fan fiction!"
"No I couldn't."
"Yes I could."
"No I couldn't. How could I get into that character's head?" Pauses while thinks through how that would work.
"Wait, yes I COULD! WAHOO!!!"

Keep in mind this happens daily. It happens daily all the while I'm working on several other projects. And this is not the whole day - this is just before breakfast.

You see the problem.

I don't have enough time to follow through on every idea. I can't. It is impractical. I have to prioritize. I have to decide which ideas are worth pursuing. Which ones would I enjoy? Which ones would benefit society? Which ones would be profitable?

This is the same problem creatives, like myself, encounter with jobs. As a creative, I am capable of doing a lot. I have the skills and abilities to make magic happen because I have this wild potential-seeking mind. I solve problems constantly. Ideas bloom, literally, in my sleep. I cannot keep up with them. So of course I do well in problem solving environments. I can do anything in theory, but that doesn't necessarily mean I flourish.

I could, for example, work in a 9-5 job. But, frankly, I might kill myself. I don't say that as a rhetorical device. Working 9-5 doing something that is busy work, surrounded by hundreds of cubicles makes me want to jump off a bridge. Really. There isn't enough variety. People are telling me what to do and how to do it, when those are the kinds of things I excel at on my own. It is soul sucking and does not make use of the extent of my gifts. So of course I would bang my head against the wall and need to take some kind of mood altering prescriptions just to survive.

That is not living.

But what about traditional jobs that do honor my tendencies? What about jobs that do allow me to make use of my crazy idea creation and vetting process? Where are they? What are they? How do I find these things?

The easy thing is to decide what I want to do and then find that.

*blinks while looking blankly*

Right. Remember how I just explained the different ideas I have? Remember how many I have every day before breakfast alone?! What do I want to do? How do I figure that out?

Well, there are the books by career counselors that can be helpful. But what if the required skills you need to do the thing you want to do are out of reach. What if, for example, I decide I want to be a professor for a day job and then, I am rejected by the doctoral programs that would essentially guarantee me such a position (or at least make it possible)?

That is a pickle.

So I end up staring down at my list of ideas, like my wild and crazy skills, wondering how I can cobble them together into a job.

I mean, I know. I know what job I want. What kind of success I want. I know that. I've got it in my head and I visualize it every day (read: comic convention panels, women's conference panels, writing workshops...the list goes on). But, the path to getting there is foggy. The ideas run fast and hard and I can see about twenty different routes to achieving the same thing. Which to choose?

It is like the dog with two water dishes. He sits there, staring at both, getting progressively more thirsty, never drinking. How does he choose? Which one is better? The answer is neither. They both have good water. Both will work. It is whichever one he likes. But the dishes are the same, he thinks. But they aren't. One is on the left, the other on the right. One is nearer the window, the other nearer his owner's chair. It does not matter which he chooses, except that one quenches his thirst and makes him feel good.

But I might regret not choosing the other dish!

Yeah...well...cost of business. All paths will reach the destination. Both dishes solve the problem of thirst. But sitting there ruminating about it won't do anything.

I am actually drinking water. I have actually four books that will definitely be published this year. Two are finished, but in revision phases. Two just need a few more chapters complete and will be done. That's kind of amazing. That means I will have finished four books while watching a toddler...since January. That's kind of remarkable.

I am definitely drinking the water here. I submitted pieces to magazines and got positive rejections (I just added a third to my group...) which means I'm getting closer on that front as well. Closer, but not there...yet.

But in the mean time, waiting for thirst to abate, I'm wondering if this is okay. If my time wouldn't be better spent doing other things. Should I use my skills somewhere else? Should I do something else? Should I have a day job outside of raising my kid? Could I manage that? I applied to a few traditional jobs, and I have to admit that I'm cautious. I mean, if I do not pursue my dream, my vision, part of me will die inside. It is that tension - the tension of giving up, of accepting defeat, versus continuing to battle, continuing the pursuit. The first is pushed by society at large (like, get real). The second is glorified (as in, "Wow! I could never do that! You're amazing!").

I think, no matter what, it is better to be on a path to achieving the goal than not. Not achieving the goal - the dream - is not okay. So I store my vetted ideas for later refusing to get distracted, continue pushing on the ones I've prioritized, and act as though I know what I'm doing. Which I don't. I'm just guessing here and hoping for the best. I mean, I think that's a pretty good idea.

Wild and Crazy Skills

Statue imitator?

What is the wildest and craziest thing you can do? I wondered. I asked. I got weird and entertaining answers. I started working on a companion workbook to go with my nonfiction book (both coming out in a few months...hopefully). It all got me thinking.

What can I do? What are the obscure skills I have? What angles can I fractal down to in order to analyze myself?

My experience includes, but is not limited to:

• Cat wrangling and training
• Toddler containment
• Garbage repurposing
• Daydream development
• Witty one-line IRL microblogging
• Surgical commentating
• Globalizing the personal
• Nap feigning
• Militant self-discipline
• Flexible time-management
• Smart phone camera operation
• Vocal impressions
• Psychic interpretation
• Meticulous bead design
• Mud sculpture
• Full body painting
• Braiding
• Pragmatic truth-telling
• Thumb piano composition
• Baby toy development
• Interpersonal communication mediation
• Immediate dance party creation
• Impromptu public-speaking
• Incessant challenge

Can I turn any of those things into a career? I mean, really. Not joking. Well, maybe a little. Okay, I'm totally joking, but if you came up with something that could use such random things, I would absolutely consider it. I just wonder if that is possible. Can you combine any of these things into a career? If so, what? And what are your weird skills and talents? Do you use them in your career? Tell me about it in the comments below...

Rejection, Grief, and the Search for Direction

I am in a place where the eye does not see.

That line from Avatar keeps floating around my head. It keeps floating because it feels like I have been abandoned, by dreams and hope. It feels like I've been abandoned by light itself.

On Friday I got an email from one of the doctoral programs saying I was rejected. To be fair, it was kindly done. It was as compassionate as such an email can be. They had only so many spots. It was very competitive. I had a very strong essay. They were very sorry and looked forward to watching my contributions to the field from afar.

After I read it I was in shock. I couldn't hear my son asking for me. I couldn't think. I didn't know what I was seeing. I put on Sesame Street and sat down. I needed to talk it out - figure out how I felt about this.

"I can't believe it." That was my first thought.

"What am I going to do?" That was the second.

"They're going to regret this later." The third.

"Who can I call?"

But it was the middle of the afternoon. No one was around. People were working. I was alone with my son and my heart was breaking. I was barely functional. I didn't want to scare him. I couldn't let myself feel. I couldn't yell. I couldn't scream. I wouldn't allow myself to cry. And I wanted all that. I wanted to pour out every inch of my heart to get rid of that awful, horrible, poisonous feeling inside.

Because it wasn't just about the school. It wasn't just about rejection. It was about what the hell I am supposed to do next fall. 

I can't keep living at my parents' house in a tiny bedroom in one of the most expensive counties in the country. I can't keep subsisting - just making loan payments, and just writing my reclusive heart into ones and zeros. I have to do something. I have to be someone. I have to live up to some standard of myself that has remained out of reach for approaching a decade. I have to make the world a better place. I have to charge down the path of legacy, making my mark with more than sand or ink. I need to ossify that shit so it is impossible to remove - so it is carved into the bigger psyche of America. So I know I am more than shouting in the dark. It is so time.

Eight years is too long to put yourself on hold. It is too long to pretend everything is okay. It is just too long to maintain a lie, a lie that became my glass cage, letting me look out watching as others, my equals in socialization and education, mastered their own successes and left me behind.

If I was lucky they would look past me, forgetting my existence, just a figment of their past life. "I wonder what happened to Alexis?" "Oh, I don't know. She's probably changing the world or something. You know how she is." And then they would move on with their day, satisfied they solved their question. 

If I was unlucky, they would look down and see my glass box, see me struggling against uncontrollable forces and bounded choices that kept me contained. They would frown, ask me how I was doing, how they could help, all the while congratulating themselves for not being in my place.

"How lucky I am! I never took out that many loans!"

"How good it was that I could live in X city where the labor market was good when I needed a job!"

"How wonderful it is that I happened to study this while in school, and met such and such person, who put me on the fast track to upper middle class comfort!"

Everyone doesn't think this way. Some, I know from their big hugs and flowing tears, genuinely grieved at my rejection, at the closing of a door we thought was the right one. They thought, like I did, this would be a way for my family - a cold, harsh change, but at least a path to success.

Many remind me that I have other options still yet to get back to me. And if I'm honest with myself, I still have at least three books intended for publication this year. I have a bunch of articles I intend to pitch to various online magazines about various things. It isn't really the end. I know that. My mind knows that. But my heart? My heart is still in total freak out mode.

I still haven't answered that fundamental question, "What am I going to do?"

And the reality is, I can't. I don't know what I will do because it isn't clear. The path hasn't been determined because all the pieces are not yet moved. All the tactics are not tested. Everything hasn't been tried. There are things that just haven't come full circle yet.

So even as I freak out, and grieve, and rage, and wallow, I am digging in my heels. I am reading. I am thinking. I am researching. I am trying and testing and moving. This is all I can do, now that the shock is gone and my tears have dried. I grope my way through the darkness, hoping to be seen, hoping to see, always seeking more light.

Hate Your Life - It's Good For You!

There are about a thousand things going through my head right now, but I'll try to keep to one or two because, well...that's usually a good idea when you're writing (even if you're writing in a casual setting like a blog).

To be completely honest, I had a total breakdown earlier this week. There was sobbing, statements made that I'd rather never repeat, and admissions that at another time in life may have only brought me down. I have long suffered the curse of self-doubt, self-deprecation, and many other wretched things.

I'm done. Well, at least for the foreseeable future.

I've been reinvigorated.

How, you're asking? Maybe you're thinking, I too have suffered these awful things and worse - much worse. My first world problems are the worst of anyone I know! Yes yes. I understand, and I am happy to share my secret. It came with a confession - the ultimate confession.

Currently, I hate my life.

I'll give you the rundown, not to make this into a pity party, but rather to be entirely factual and clear about where I'm coming from.

• I live with my parents - an increasingly common situation these days.
• I stay at home with my baby - granted he's a sweetheart, but I'm not exactly the stay at home type.
• I have very few friends (if I can say any) outside my family in my current location.
• I struggle to complete my writing goals, and compared to many, have a long way to go.
• I am not currently, nor have I ever worked in my field of study.
• Between my husband and I, we have a mountain of student loan debt.
• My husband works in an industry that does not pay well, despite the high level of expertise and responsibility required of him.
• I am not anywhere near the level of success I envisioned for myself as a younger person.

I hate that. All of that. I could let that hate consume me and make me wallow and take my situation into all new spectacular lows, and indeed, when I had this mini-meltdown, I thought it would.

To my great pleasure, it had the opposite effect.

Rather than dragging me down, it spurred me forward. It was a bit like living in that wretched apartment in Phoenix complete with termites, roaches, no working fridge or AC. I did that for 6 months. You see, I hated that apartment so much, I bought a house. Granted there were other issues with that, but I got the house I wanted and I loved that house while living the remainder of my time in Phoenix.

And that experience illustrates something else; high pressure wretchedness motivates me. It makes me want things - want things so badly I'll do anything to get what I want. So I will.

That's the key to all those crazy self-development books. Nothing else really matters. When you want something bad enough, you will do anything and everything to get it. When you do anything and everything, you will get it. That's what happens. The question is, do you want it badly enough? There is no half-assing at this level. You have to want it. Really. I mean...REALLY.

Fortunately, I do. I really, really do. Now if everyone around me could get on board with things (I'm thinking of the crying baby in the next room), we could get things moving towards some kind of wonderful.

When have you been spurred to change your situation? What was the moment of action for you? Leave a comment below!

Taking a Personal Inventory

image credit: jobhuntersbible.com

I've been missing in action the last week because I've been spending my time on one thing. I've been focusing most of my energy on completing Richard Bolles' inventory from his book, What Color is Your Parachute?

When I wasn't doing the inventory for myself, I was helping Christian go through it.

Now most people would think I know what I want or where I want to go, and before this week, I would agree with those people wholeheartedly. Today I would say a week ago I didn't know myself - or not as well as I thought I did, anyway.

Originally we got the book out of the library for Christian to figure himself out (seeing as we're still in a transition period as a family). I thought I would go through the process myself because I was curious, and it's always a good idea to take stock of yourself every now and then. Who knows? You may have changed in the last few years. It happens.

So I did, and frankly the results surprised me. Okay, the geography portion didn't, but my top values did (in order of priority):

1. Spirit
2. Heart
3. Conscience

And then my top preferred skills were interesting to me as well. Writing was #6 on my ranked list. The top 5? Take a gander:

1. Acting on gut reactions in creative situations or with new people 
2. Speaking to groups of people or in intimate situations 
3. Being in front of an audience, leading a workshop, or performing music/drama 
4. Inventing/creating fictional stories, organizations & manuals/guides that address issues 
5. Designing curriculum on a variety of subjects, sculptures,home furniture, plans & processes for organizations. 

I'll just tack on my writing skill so you can see how I phrased it...

• Writing personal blogs and articles, fantasy and scifi novels, and short stories

Now I need to figure out what type of careers would fit with these skills and allow me to focus on my top values. Does writing? I guess, or at least it could. But now I'm not so sure. It seems I really like to be in front of people and I really am interested in using intuition and focusing on matters of the spirit. The question is, where does that take me? Do I continue to write fiction? I do love to write fiction, but it seems like this might not be where I'm really called to be. I'm just not sure. I need to think hard about this.

What are your thoughts? Have you gone through an inventory process? Were there any surprises? What were your conclusions? Leave a comment below!

40 Things I'd do as a Politician

The more I read about these "austerity" measures and various things being voted into law, the more convinced I am that fewer and fewer politicians actually care what happens to us (Elizabeth, you're actually amazing and I kind of love you btw).

Because of the way politics is currently, and the incredibly judgy nature of the American public, I doubt I'll ever get into politics. But the whole scary mess before us got me thinking, what would I do if I was a politician? How would I make the world different for my unborn child?

So here's a list (in no particular order) of things that I'd do:

1. Decrease student loan interest rates. People trying to better themselves should not have to become indentured servants in order to do so.
2. Break up big banks and keep them separate from federal funds. This seems like a no-brainer, but apparently it's uncommon sense.
3. Increase corporate loan interest rates. This is a route to decreasing our debt.
4. Support capital gains tax. It's an easy way to address our national debt.
5. Repeal Citizens' United, however it needs to happen. This is just wrong.
6. Break up telecoms for trust violations and buy/possess the lines. This has been an on-going issue since the industry's creation, and prevents any real competition, much to consumers' detriment.
7. Revoke corporate personhood. Corporations are not people. They should not be treated as such.
8. Close corporate tax loops, simplifying the tax structure. Companies making profits must pay taxes. The current situation encourages large corps to be taxed no more than the average non-profit!
9. Increase taxes for high-networth individuals. To whom much is given, much is required.
10. Put low caps on political campaign spending. This would place candidates on an equal footing as well as prevent corporate interests from influencing the political process to voters' detriment.
11. Require companies to have certain number of workers in country if they want to sell products/services in country (dependent on industry and product/service). This would ensure jobs were kept in America as businesses would be foolish to lose such a market.
12. Have stricter environmental regulations and inspections for agribusiness. There have been many disturbing situations regarding agribusiness, and the industry is unsustainable in its current form.
13. Give tax credit to individuals using contraception. Population size is a concern, and so is general sexual health. To prevent unwanted pregnancies and additional burdens to tax-payers, this would incentivize pregnancy prevention.
14. Require restaurants to compost and recycle as part of health requirements. This would create more jobs and help reduce our carbon footprint (as well as enriching the soil by placing nutrient rich compost back into the earth).
15. Charge product retailers per plastic bag/paper bag (or ban plastic bags altogether). This would help decrease landfill waste and as well as ocean pollution.
16. Institute a one-payer system of health care. Socialized health care is effective elsewhere. It would give many people peace of mind (and by many, I mean the majority of the population that currently has to make job choices based on health care benefits if they are able to do even that!).
17. Require a year of service in either military or AmeriCorps (or other volunteer civil service program). By having young people do a year of civil service, we have a cheap labor force that can help correct a wide variety of projects on the community level.
18. Decrease military spending. We spend a ridiculous amount of money on the military when other parts of our nation need greater attention.
19. Pull military back from excessive engagements. We need to concentrate on issues at home rather than spreading ourselves too thin across the globe.
20. Allow schools more autonomy to address issues at local level. Schools know more of what they need than we do at the federal level.
21. Increase educational funding. This is an area that has received too many cuts and continues to suffer, thereby weakening our workforce and our ability as a nation to compete.
22. Place limits on how many residential properties one individual or entity can own. This would allow young families more opportunities to own homes, as opposed to investors owning the majority of the land.
23. Require property owners have primary residence in country, as opposed to foreign investors purchasing residential property without any kind of repercussions.
24. Require that a certain number/percentage of workers should live in the community where they work. This decreases carbon footprints from commuting as well as increasing the connections within a community (i.e. creating a sustainable community).
25. Institute a living wage. If we want a sustainable economy, we need to take care of all of our workforce. They need to be able to live while working as anything - including being a waitress or flipping burgers at a fast food joint.
26. Require paid sick time for all workers. Duh.
27. Require at least 4 weeks paid vacation (like the majority of the world!) for all workers. This is a good idea because people won't burn out or get sick as much. In short, we'll be happier - and happier workers are more productive.
28. Require paid parental leave. This helps keep able-bodied workers in the work force while allowing them financially safe time to bond with a new family member.
29. Give credentialed midwives the same status as obstetricians regarding attending low risk pregnancies (insurance coverage etc). Why wouldn't we?
30. Make contraception free for low income individuals. Duh.
31. Make contraception free without parental consent to minors. Duh.
32. Require companies of a certain size have childcare for workers on site. This is better for productivity and for workers.
33. Require companies smaller than a certain size provide stipend/voucher for daycare within a 10 mile radius from work site. Same as above.
34. Institute restorative justice programs for at the very least, low-level offenders. This is cheaper and more effective than more punitive measures.
35. Decriminalize marijuana possession (and possibly legalize, with the expectation of taxing marijuana products). This would decrease jail populations, and if legalized and taxed, the marijuana market could become another source of income that would address national debt.
36. Give community/municipality tax credits/incentives for community gardens/CSA. This is a way to build more sustainable communities as well as facilitate healthy eating habits (and therefore increase disease prevention in the greater population).
37. Institute free wi-fi in cities. This would be a part of acquiring telecom lines, and would level the playing field for potential labor. Without internet access, it is difficult to be competitive or to become educated/access services. This would address several issues at once with little cost to municipalities.
38. Would continue to protect private information, period.
39. Beef up Social Security to something that actually supports retired people. It doesn't make any sense to penalize people who have spent their lives contributing to their communities by ceasing to care for them.
40. Live in the community I represent (as opposed to owning a house far away from the people who are actually impacted by my policy choices).

Phew! That was a LOT! There are more, but these are the ones that stick in my head the most - that keep me up at night. Just imagine what would happen if these changes were actually implemented and supported by our representatives? Our country would be an amazing place. I'd actually be proud to call myself American when I went abroad...as opposed to wanting to hide to avoid projectile rotting fruit or vicious slurs.

Yes, I can't wait for the day when our representatives make choices that work for us, as opposed to hurting us over and over again in favor of corporate interests and antiquated ideas about how the world works. May I live to see that day.

WAHM - O! The Perilous Options of Staying at Home

I am continuing to investigate ways of staying home.

The first way is the obvious. I stop working and make no effort to gain any kind of income. The result is probably loans on deferment (ouch!) and perhaps losing some services that would frankly make writing, blogging, and entertainment less than ideal. We would be strapped to meal plans and frenzied discount grocery shopping. Likely we would have to save up pittances in order to purchase things like shoes and cover unexpected maintenance costs.

It's not a pretty picture.

It's one that gives me heartburn (and I already get enough of that) and a horrible sinking feeling in my gut that I have had for the few months when I've been jobless after every move in the last 5 years.

Frankly Kemo Sabe, thinking about this potential situation makes me scared shitless.

The second option is to continue trying to get a remote job. There are a lot of options here actually, but not many that I really want to do or am excited about doing. I would prefer to do something related to a university or school because education is exciting to me, but it seems there are limits to the positions for which I'm qualified. Then there are things like virtual assistantships and customer service gigs that involve using the phone (ick!). I've done the assistant thing and I suck at it. I've done the call center gig and it stresses me out to no end. That's one of the reasons why I worked to become a manager at the last call center gig I had... so I wouldn't have to talk to as many customers (and the ones I did have to talk to, were challenges that sang my praises to the sky when I fixed their lives for them).

Another remote job option is to do editing, proofing, and or writing. There are a bunch of jobs like this out there, but there are just as many aspiring writers hoping to get them. Even though I have a ton of experience teaching writing and I write every day several times a day, I don't really have SEO knowledge, nor do I have any real web language expertise. I fricking break technology - literally. I have broken all kinds of things just by touching them. Even if I got through some kind of online training module about SEO or whatever, I'm not sure if it would work for me or make me want to jump off a cliff. This is probably is a big no-no for a lot of potential employers because everyone wants to optimize their search terms blah, blah, blah.

I'd rather write or edit for someone who actually has something to say as opposed to some bullshit article just to try to lure people to a lame-o site. Ugh. The idea is vomit inducing.

The third option is one that I am just now beginning to really bring to boil. It might be just as scary and crazy as the option of doing nothing at all, but at least I'd feel better trying something. That is, I could actually work at my own business of sorts.

I've been thinking a lot about this and reading a lot about product lines, ecommerce, and all kinds of business sites. As I sifted through the endless waves of business buzz words and advertisements for private label companies, a few things spoke to me.

1. I've done a lot of stuff in my 30 years.
2. I've written how-to manuals for companies and not gotten one cent beyond my hourly even though I'm sure those have been in continual use since (even though at least one company had them reworked).
3. I like writing manuals and guide books.
4. I know a lot of random stuff...
5. I could write a bunch of how-to books based on my experience, knowledge, and skills.
6. How-to books make money.

Hmm.

One of the things that wages war with this business idea is the fact that I have to do things with purpose. I can't do just anything. It has to make the world a better place than if I had done nothing at all. Yes, I want to make enough money to support myself and my family, but I want to do it ethically and with a servant's heart.

I also don't want to abandon my creative writing. I like writing stories and novels, but they're just not making money fast enough for me. I need, as a mommy-to-be, to have a secure revenue source to take care of my kid. Christian thinks I should keep working at it and put my whole heart into it, but how can I when I'm worried about being able to buy basic necessities in the very near future?

The fear I feel about not having enough money is a real one. And just as I'm afraid I won't have enough money, I'm afraid my fear of not having enough will set up a situation where it will become impossible for my dreams to ever be realized.

I have been getting more of what I want when I want in the past 5 months than I have in the past 3 years. And that's good. But I'm restless. I want more. I want some success now. I want feedback now. I need some little ray of sunshine to keep me on track or I know self-doubt is here to stay. I need just enough to keep me afloat so I can spend all that heart energy on things that I love and that matter to me (even if it turns out to be a few how-to manuals mixed in with the stories and novels).

So what do you do to keep the self-doubt at bay? If you work at home, what do you do and how did you land your gig? Did you set up a business and why? or are you steadily pushing away at a dream that you refuse to give up on? Tell me your thoughts. I'm looking for inspiration.

Unemployment is Depressing

Lately my dreams have been unnsettling. I wake up feeling horrible. Last night for example, I was mocked and humiliated. I wanted to be correct and so when I called someone on their wrongs, it backfired. It backfired so badly an entire group of people went to work delegitimizing me.
Considering that I've recently felt like everything is falling apart, it makes sense.
But I should clarify. We're fine. We're not under water at the moment. But things could be better, especially if I was making money on any kind of consistent basis. Because I'm not, I feel like a loaf. Even though I do as much as I can, I still feel like I'm failing. I feel like six years of education should be put to use. I feel like I should no longer be in debt. Ironically, the first position I really wanted that used those skills I indebted myself for, I didn't get. I didn't even get a first interview.
Then there's the fact I'm all alone since moving to the Bay. Because I'm at home, I don't get out unless I push myself. I know a few people who are very busy and therefore can't hang out. Christian is gone around 8:30 am, and doesn't usually get home until 7:30 pm. By the time he's able to interact it's 8. Dinner goes until 8:30 which is largely silent, followed by mindless television watching until he falls asleep.
You see my problem. My relationship was highjacked by employment. I'm alone and poor. And now my respite from real life is being impacted. This is not good.
I've been thinking about various ways to get out of my hole. The list of things tried and things thought is long. Most of the things tried were other people's suggestions, though some were strange notions of my own. I am almost desperate. This is as much because my marriage and my sanity are on the line, as the bottom line.
I have researched many things. I've read articles, books, and talked to people. I'm about ready to try the one thing that has worked before, assuming I can get myself out of my slump long enough for it to work.
The problem is, when you've been down for over a month, it's hard to get going. It's hard to see the potential light. I don't have a huge group of people physically in my face telling me it's going to work and that I will do it.
I know I can. Can isn't the problem. I need it to actualize.
I need affirmation and validation. Maybe that makes me a five year old, I don't know. I honestly don't care, as long as my debt disappears and I can buy cappuccinos.

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A Holiday Party With Reagan - Adventures in Bako

Airforce 1

It sounds strange, and indeed, it was. For our holiday party, my work sent us to the Reagan Presidential Library.

My work has this cool tradition. Their holiday parties are a surprise. So you RSVP, knowing only the date and the type of clothing required for the event. Then when it gets closer to the date of the party, you find out when you'll get picked up by the buses, and when you'll return. That's all. The bus driver doesn't even know where he's going until he gets a phone call from someone in the corporate office telling him the last leg of the trip.

And they've gone to some really cool places - done some really interesting things - Universal Studios for example. Except this year they took us to Reagan's library.

Nancy's Dresses

Now, one thing you have to know about me is that my grandmother (bless her heart!) might have disowned me if I ever became a registered Republican. And I never have been registered as such. Right now, I'm not even registered with the Democratic party because they have been less than spineless when it came to many issues recently. That said, I spent my time in college and graduate school studying international politics, social movements, history, and sociology. I made it my business to study war and peace and non-violent social movements. I'm a firm believer in the government stepping in and supporting its citizens in certain areas, including education and healthcare. Needless to say, the Republican party and I have not gotten along during my lifetime.

I also do not worship people. People are just people, doing ordinary things. Sometimes luck and fate smile on a person, but there is no reason to admire that person so much more than another. It's the major reason I have never been ga-ga over celebrities, including politicians.

So learning about Reagan at the library was interesting, but it was also annoying.

Section of the Berlin Wall

Presidents get credit for both good and bad events occurring during their time in office. This happens even when the majority of said events have little, if anything to do with the president's actions. So the Berlin wall, the whole crash of the Iron curtain - I don't think that had anything to do with Regan, not really. He was in office at the right time. Lucky for him.

There are of course other things, which the president has direct influence over. I think particularly of that wacky idea perpetuated by fear and ridiculous prejudice - yes, the Pinko Commie threat. Having visited Nicaragua, a place that was war torn, in major part because of the interference of Regan's government during the 80s, I have a bitter taste in my mouth for Regan. Many horrible things that happened in Nicaragua could have been avoided if Reagan's government hadn't gone in and manipulated the situation there. "Peace through Strength" is a ridiculous concept - one that really doesn't work. But then again, I have never liked armies, or the aftermath they always leave behind them.

Besides these questions which were raised by the exhibits in the museum at the library, I was irritated by the "funeral room." There were actually people walking through this portion of the museum and crying. Now, I understand Reagan was a man who did impact the world significantly for 8 years. I get that. But I doubt most of these mourners were friends and confidantes of the man. To me, Reagan was not lamentable as I did not know him. Of course it is sad when anyone dies, because they had family and friends who will miss them. But this person was so far removed from the average American, it seems strange that anyone would feel the need to actually cry in reaction to his death. It's not like, for example, a holocaust or genocide exhibit, where you might be moved at the systematic destruction of a people with unique culture and society. A single man's death is sad, but it is not cause for sobbing when you didn't really know him. This seems especially true if he was president before you were aware of the distinction of the executive and judicial branches of government.

A metal beam...

This would have been enough for me to wonder at the whole strange experience, but there was one other thing that made absolutely no sense to me whatsoever. Somehow a beam from one of the World Trade Center towers was on display in the Reagan Presidential Library. Yes, a rusted beam.

You might be asking yourself, "What the hell does that have to do with President Reagan?"

The answer is, nothing. Absolutely nothing. I have no clue why that rusted beam was being exhibited in a museum tribute to Reagan. We were told it would eventually be shipped off to a navy ship. I guess it was meant as a symbol to spur men and women in the armed forced to fight for freedom, or some other abstract concept which might be made more concrete by a metal support beam.

Yes, this was probably the last place I would choose to go with anyone from my work, possibly anyone I know socially ever. I did learn some things about Regan, and about his legacy. The museum confirmed what I knew - that he was just a man. He might have been a man who reinvigorated the Republican party and led one of the major superpowers of the time, but he was still just a man.

The question now is, will I go to the holiday party next year, hoping they go somewhere that I would appreciate a little more? Probably I will. Even though I became irritated by some of exhibits and fellow attendees, it was an experience I wouldn't have otherwise had. Besides, I can still hope for Magic Mountain.

One Year Later - Looking Back at My First Year Writing

It's been over a year since I started writing - really writing. It's strange to remember the time when I started. It's stranger still to think it's only been a year. In some ways it feels longer. In others, it feels shorter.

Still, I find I'm battling the same demons I battled before - the self-doubt, the self-sabotage, and all the other little creeping issues that crowd my mind. Those creeping things are born from years of cultural barrage, telling me that writing isn't a legitimate way to live. It's not the thing to do - or so they say, whomever they are.

It's no wonder that I find myself here, after a year of devotion to the craft, feeling much the way I felt before I decided to start. Where has this attempt gotten me? Have I been wasting my time this year? Shouldn't I have been working at a job that actually paid out? Why not use the skills that I'll pay interest on for the next twenty years?

In my darkest moments, I ask myself these questions and I don't always come up with good answers. It's hard to devote yourself to something that requires time - often years - in order to see any kind of results. Sometimes you never see any results - it's not until your death that something is recognized. I hope that isn't me, but I can't be sure at this point. It is next to impossible to know what seeds might be planted in the random passerby. We just don't know how our actions impact the world around us. We don't know what will happen tomorrow or the next day. The best thing we can do is to continue doing what we love regardless of the results.

I don't know how many times I've been told that writers - artists of any kind - need to suffer in order to be successful in their creations. I might suffer primarily from emo first world problems - with the occasional worldwide issue (like access to healthcare or food) - but I have suffered and continue to. Luckily for me, my adoptive clan's motto is perfect for artistic motivation. It is "Learn to Suffer." So far, everything seems to work just right for the average brooding writer situation. All I need is a little steampunk styled lounge, some opium, and a few other equally brooding struggling artists to make a legitimate go of it. I'll be interviewing for the other artist parts shortly. Only problem is, you'd have to be in Bakersfield. I think the sun is necessary to combat the gloom and doom of the temperament.

Don't misunderstand me, I love writing. I love having time to write. I'm unhappy when I don't (which is perhaps why the short days are getting to me - lately I've been remiss in practicing my craft). I would do this no matter what. But everybody likes a little recognition.

It seems I'll also be meditating on patience. Patience is something I definitely need help learning.

Exit Interviews - Fun Comments to Stick to The Man

Thought you'd enjoy my exit interview comments to my soul-sucking job. Names have been changed to protect the innocent:

A<$ is one of the most inefficient and negative working environments I have ever experienced. There were incredibly stringent rules, many of which had insufficient supportive evidence backing their purpose (i.e. being written up for every little thing including speeding in the parking lot or having your cell in your hand while walking out). The rules were outright draconian. The building itself was falling down. Carpet was ripped up, chairs were falling apart when you were sitting in them, and nothing was ergonomically correct. There was no room for creativity or innovation in any aspect of the company, including the training division which was basically there to trouble shoot computer programs and that was it. Much of the time in training was spent spinning in our chairs waiting for everyone else to catch up. I could have completed the training in half the time set aside. The new system being installed while I was ending my training (@@@@) was still as unintuitive and outdated as ##### - an intuitive gooey makes more sense for a post-DOS/BIOS world. In addition, *******, the online reference, had many mistakes and outdated information throughout. It also had a lot of unintuitive links that could have been streamlined to be easier to navigate and understand.

These, in addition to the dark gray room that was wall to wall cubicles of automatons making information age widgets, were the reasons that I chose to leave. I hope you will address the majority of these issues as many of them are easily corrected with good decisions made by those in leadership positions. I believe this would help in decreasing your incredibly high attrition rate which would save your company a great deal of money in the long run. I'd encourage you to have an analyst crunch those numbers. Thank you for your time and consideration.

To Quit or Not to Quit - When Life Interferes With Writing

Last night I got home from work and I just couldn't write. It wasn't because I didn't want to, it was because my eyes were so tired that I couldn't focus on the screen.

One of the things I've realized about myself is I am less and less motivated by money. More and more I find myself interested in general happiness. Happiness doesn't come from working at an information age factory. For me, it comes from spending time with good people, working out, and writing.

I'm excited because I have yet another interview tomorrow and it looks like my house will close earlier than expected. All these things put together are moving me in a direction that is palatable to favorable for my goals. Thank GOD!

Because of this, I find myself less and less interested in sticking out a day or a week at my present job. I feel like a senior in high school with a bad case of senioritis. I haven't done anything yet to get myself fired, but I'm dangerously close. My husband is encouraging me to do something over the top to quit. I'm less inclined. We'll just have to wait and see.

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The Job or The Art - Balancing

I'm in the midst of a quandry. My job, which I need in order to eat (at least until our house sale goes through) is seriously putting a crimp in my life.

Working full time is something most people would love. I like working, but for my goals and my personal sanity, I would rather work part time. It has been over a year since I was working full time, and I forgot what it was like. I am exhausted by the end of the day. With Christian also working full time (and then some) the only time we can do errands is at night. We both wake up early, which means after errands, we just collapse into bed.

I hate it.

I know many people might like this type of living, but for me, it is wretched. The reason is I have no time to actually sit down and write. I haven't been able to even keep up with my workouts because it was severely cutting into sleep.

So, this leaves me with several options. 1 - I can quit as soon as our house is sold, regardless. 2 - I can find a part time job and then quit. 3 - I can stay as is.

You can guess where I'm leaning. Let's hope it works out folks. I have a few books I need to write!

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Get a Job? Stop Being So Self Righteously Retarded

Somebody told me recently to get a job. What an asshole.

Here is why anyone who says something like that is a jerk and needs to take their judgemental bull and have it rubbed roughly in their face.

It is true that some people aren't really trying to work, but they are few and far between. Let me explain just how few and far between they are! One of my sister-in-law's friends owns a pizza shop. She put up an ad for a busser or something equally skilled - she got over 400 applications. Right. 400. Applications. For. A. Busser???

I am a skilled person. In the Bay Area I got a total of three interviews during the 9 mos I lived there. Since being in Bakersfield, I've gotten 3 so far (what a change - only 2 mos!). One of the jobs here I was offered. It pays a measily 10$ an hour, which for California is just north of minimum wage. I took it because I need the money, despite the fact that it doesn't speak to my skill set, nor does it pay me what I'm worth. It's a bad fit personality wise too, but again, I need the money.

So lucky for me, I was in a place with awesome skills, that I could get a job that was beneath me. That's something I can feel good about, because it isn't sucking my soul out daily or degrading to my personhood and keeping me from doing what I really want to do.

But I'm a lucky one. I keep telling myself that. I'm lucky to have this situation, right? It's a good deal...

There are people out in the world in a 1000 times a 1000 worse situations. There are people who are underemployed with no second income. There are people who can't get even a crappy job at a fast food joint. I don't know how they keep going, but they do. They are amazing to me, determined and beautiful as they trudge through the muck life has given them. I don't have the grace for that. I'm not strong enough. I'm kind of wussy that way, I'll be the first to admit it. But just because I don't have the absolute worst dalit conditions doesn't mean I can't appreciate how ridiculous it is for someone to tell me to "walk it off," so to speak.

So, if you're one of those people struggling and someone has the gall to tell you to suck it up and get a job, or grin and bear it, do me a huge favor. Punch that asshole in the nose and explain to them in no uncertain terms, they have no idea what the shit on the ground is like when they're looking down from their high horse.

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Hopeful Things Get Better - The Best Escape Is Writing

Well 3 days is ridiculously short to sell a house, but you know, it does happen. Actually, the financing will take a little more than a month and a half, but still... it is going through remarkably fast.

It makes me think we should have priced it higher.

Oh well.

Still, the thing gives me hope. We have been struggling along with so many things lately that it feels like a huge weight is off our shoulders. Except of course, I'm already going onto the next thing. There's a storm and a fire in Tehachapi, you know! That's the kind of logic I use. It's flawed, I know, but it is mine.

Yet even with my goofy nervous logic, I still have hope. I have it when I read the positive feedback I get from other writers and readers about my work. I have it when reviewers say good things. I have it when I get another follower. Hell, I have it when I get to use the internet. But best of all, the world falls away when I am writing. There is nothing of my present struggles in that. The sky could fall, the earth open up, and WW3 break out - but I wouldn't notice. The story is everything. For a moment, it becomes my life.

That might seem strange and a little crazy, but I am after all, a writer. Aren't we all that way?

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Bullfighting - Getting Out of Mediocrity

I am at a sort of holding place. It's not the kind where you sit slumped against the side wall, your eyes glazed as drool drips down your chin. No, this is something different.

I feel like a bull ready to burst into the ring. I'm hitting and bucking against anything trying to control me, and yet, I am controlled. I'm subdued, even, under the power of obligation and corporate whim. It's a horrible situation, and yet, so many of us are stuck in the same predicament.

Someone tweeted recently that mediocrity is guarded by the masses while a select few strive for greatness. You need the mediocre. You need plain to exist. Just like capitalism requires people to be unemployed or low skilled, we need mediocrity. Otherwise, how can we know what greatness is?

Well, I don't know how long this greatness thing needs to brew, but I'm getting antsy in this little pre-fight holding pen. I'm ready now. Unfortunately, we have to wait. Greatness isn't something that happens over night (unless you are born into someone else's greatness through family name and connection). It is by and large something you have to work towards.

In the mean time, I'm going to keep pounding against the wall until I break out of the whole arena. Good thing I'm so stubborn... or else I might give up, and that's just stupid.

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Rubbed Raw - Hoping For Better

Worn. One word to describe my present state would be worn. Another would be raw.

Yesterday was spent driving from Phoenix to Bakersfield. Of course, things were fine, except half-way from Santa Barbara to Bakersfield we realized Christian had left his helmet in SB. When we got home, my new magazine had been coated in cleaning solution making it barely legible. That doesn't include the bills piled up waiting to be paid with our low bank account. This morning I'm supposed to start a low paying job that doesn't require any skills. This, after waking up ridiculously early because my husband's cell alarm went off at 4 am.

I think there are a few people who can identify with this situation. I would rather go home and go back to sleep. Just to sleep until I was rested would be amazing. I have a sneaking suspicion the training for this job is going to be snore inducing. After that, the job itself may also feel like a waste of time to me. Yes, it's a job. And yes, I need the money. That's why I'm doing it at all, BUT if I could get away without having to do this, I would.

So it is with a heavy heart that I sacrifice writing time, sleep, and my spiritual health for a very little bit of money. Yeah. When I put it that way it sounds like a horrible idea.

Except, I do need to eat, get places, and have air conditioning in a hot place. For those more basic needs, I have to give up more complicated ones. Having worked jobs I liked that allowed me to do things, this is a tough sell.

So help a starving artist out, buy my book. Buy a painting even. Send someone my way who wants some art lessons. I'd love to be able to do something that brought joy to people's days on a regular basis.

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Back from Vacation - A Writer Stressing Over Money

Every day that I have been looking for jobs I've applied to between 4 and 5 of them. I've sifted through pages and pages of advertisements looking for something that would be at least moderately interesting and would help with the rent. And I'm freaking out.

Part of the reason I'm freaking out is because we have yet to rent out the house in Phoenix. That has been a long and annoying road on which many service people have dragged their feet every step of the way. It's a stressful thing, and expensive for us while it isn't rented. I am hoping this is the month. So I cross my fingers while I try and look for a job.

In the mean time, I'm trying to keep a calm enough mind to write. What many writers don't talk about is that time when you're barely able to pay your bills and how the impacts your writing. Let me make it plain for you - it sucks major balls.

When you worry about money, for anyone who ever has, it impacts every aspect of your life. You worry about how you will pay for your electricity. You worry how you will pay for gas. You worry about how you will eat. Then if you can buy food, you worry what you will be able to eat. This last one is especially concerning for me being on P90x because healthy food tends to be more expensive (let's not even touch the subject of whey protein powder costs).

But being poor makes it difficult to be creative. At least, for me. The energy it takes to try and address the money problem is so great, that I find it difficult to put my creative juices to writing when I feel obligated to put it towards my finances.  I don't even feel like I can use my creative energies to promote my book, and I really NEED to do that if I want it to go anywhere. You see the issue.

I am no stranger to pinching pennies, and I know this time is supposed to be coming to a close. This is a temporary situation. All I need is someone to rent the house in Phoenix OR get a job and already I would have a little more space to relax and focus on the other half of this equation. The problem is I feel like I've been living in this "temporary" situation for a long time, and I want it to be over. Ironically, the most financially stable I've ever been was when we lived in Phoenix, and that was when I was unhappiest.

May Bakersfield be a place where I am financially stable and happy. This is my solemn wish. Send good thoughts people - I really need to write!