THRIVE Launched, Now What?

I've got a lot further to go.

I've been struggling the last few weeks. In the wake of THRIVE's publication, total exhaustion set in. I want to get a whole bunch of things done. I want to work. I know there are things I should be doing. I know this.

I think part of me felt like I hit my milestone and that was that. The project was over and I could space out. And it was a lot of work. And some of it paid off, but mostly it was just the beginning of a larger lead up to more things....which mean the dividends haven't come in yet.

I've been reading a lot about this, especially through my author forums, which have proved invaluable (for which I thank Clara, as strategic a person in thought as I am in feeling). In these forums, muckety mucks slum around with us peons. And it is great for the peons, and gives perspective to the muckety mucks. We find out how much more we have to do, and they realize how much they've done.

I have to say, honestly, it can be disheartening. I am at a disadvantage with what I am able to do (limited primarily by resources). But there are also things that encourage me - such as the reminder that this process is never over. Books do not stop selling - and with the internet, they can always reach more readers. There is always someone else who has not heard of me (Okay, in my case, at this point there are probably around 7 billion, but even for the famous author, there are probably 2 or 3B.).

This is actually a good thing because it means I can always do more for a book - there is always more that could lead to sales. Also it is a bad thing, because, well, it is never done.

Right now, after the insane push I made with THRIVE, some part of me thought the momentum was already there. That I could sit back and enjoy THRIVE having a life of its own. But I'm not there yet. I've hardly begun. It feels like the week after mid-terms where the tests are done, but there's another half semester to go. The nights of studying are not over. The note-taking is hardly finished. And I have no energy. And I'm struggling to get FAMILY FRIEND OR FOE rewritten, which while turning into an excellent book, is going much slower than I'd like. I have until August 2nd to finish the manuscript and upload it to Smashwords (incidentally, you should preorder it to get the 20% off price before it goes live!).

And after that I need to work on ANDREW, and redo all the Rollins Pack covers, and revamp all those books, and finish proofing SIX DEGREES.

And while all this is going on, I need to continue working on speaking engagements about THRIVE, guest posts about everything, possibly blog hops, and remembering to eat and sleep... sometime.

When I do all that, not only will I feel damn accomplished, but I will have transformed my life. And that is incredibly exciting, but it is also a lot of work. And I need to keep reminding myself that it is worth it. I need to keep developing better systems for getting everything done that needs doing, that assures forward progress.

Here's to efficiency, effectiveness, encouragement, and energy! And crossing my fingers I get all four in hand...and soon!

******************************************
Transform your life and heal through my memoir and small steps for 32 days!

Get digital copies of THRIVE: HOW I BECAME A SUPERHERO and TRANSFORM TO THRIVE: 32 DAYS FROM VICTIM TO SUPERHERO!

You can also get paperback copies of both the memoir and journal.

It's THRIVE LAUNCH DAY! A.K.A. Labor of Love

*Blinks*

I can't believe I made it. Here.

And yet, I feel like this is such a false, utterly arbitrary marker. It kind of feels like I planted a post months ago on this path, got here, and realized the path continues up a mountain, or down, or through a pass, or...

You fill in the blank.

For my writer friends, you may experience this anti-climatic moment in marketing. The truth is, THRIVE's launch is far from over. It is...well...forever. Until I die, really. I have the beginning of a second volume on THRIVE (at least the kernel of an idea), but that isn't what I'm talking about.

I'm talking about talking. About sharing. About continuing to reach out to readers, victims, acquaintances, random strangers, organizations, schools, clubs, religious groups, conferences, and companies. This is a message that, while contained in my tiny narrative, is bigger than me. It is important. It is important to all people because fundamentally it is an approach to life.

Around my 20th birthday, I did a small speaking tour in upstate New York about a mission experience (you can read about some of it in THRIVE in Chapter 6: Fear and Death). The big message I shared with church officials, clergy, and Christian youth, was love.

Love.

Compassion.

And ultimately, this is the central message of THRIVE. It isn't quite the same message of that speaking tour, that was the golden rule - love others as you love yourself.

No. THRIVE's message is even more basic, if that is possible. It is - love yourself.

That's the thing. All the lessons, all the perspectives, all that stuff comes down to accepting yourself. If you can't do that, if you can't love yourself, you can't heal. If you can't love yourself, you won't treat others well. If you don't love yourself, you will live in a pit of despair when confronted by trauma or suffering.

These are the two messages of my heart. Every person has messages they are meant to pass on. And mine is love. Love. LOVE!

People may think these are overdone. Said too much. But they can never be said enough. They are so simple, so essential to every action, they are easy to forget. People lose track of these ALL THE TIME! So I'm here, put on this earth, to remind you. Despite everything - despite every hurt you experience - despite every evil act and experience - do not stop loving.

And when you forget, when it gets hard, read a book to help you. Read THRIVE. True superheroes love. They love despite. That is their gift and blessing. Be a gift. Be a blessing. Be a superhero, thrive, and love.

****************************
Ebook versions of THRIVE: HOW I BECAME A SUPERHERO and the journal guide, TRANSFORM TO THRIVE: 32 DAYS FROM VICTIM TO SUPERHERO are on sale today June 15, for a little while longer! 

Or get the paperback of the memoir and journal for that traditional paper feel! ;-) 
 

THRIVE Book Launch Week 11: Blistered and Limping

Last week time sped up. Things were all timey-wimey. I experienced about two weeks in the span of seven days, and yet, got very little done for my books. Or at least, that is how I feel.

My nutrition was off. My sleep was off. My work was off. For the last few days I've felt like I've got a hangover, and yet, I didn't have the pleasure of drinking. It's all the punishment, with none of the pleasure.

So unfair.

Needless to say, even while in the midst of this whirlwind, I've had some points of light. It has been hard to focus on them, because frankly I've had a hard time focusing on anything at all. That said, some time last week I had a brilliant idea.

I started contacting victim advocacy organizations about listing my books on their resource pages, doing blog posts, and or talking at their events. Their missions are in line with my goals for THRIVE, and that resonated. I got one that invited me to do a blog post, and one that said they would review my press kit. Seeing as I only emailed three, I felt that was a pretty good response. It seems that direction is something I need to continue to pursue. And along those lines, I need to connect with other organizations doing things on other topics within THRIVE.

It's kind of easy to find organizations working with survivors of sexual abuse. Not easy to search for the bend I'm looking working on homelessness, unemployment, and even less so with "whiteness." Hopefully I'll have some kind of epiphany of search terms this week to figure out connections for other outlets. In the mean time, I need to recover from last week. So, unfortunately, the week leading up to my digital release, is also the week I'm dragging from other things in life.

Isn't that just the way?

It is the last little bit of the marathon, and I have enormous blisters covering my feet. I'm dehydrated. I'm limping. I've got a stitch in my side. I am that stumbling runner. I'm so close, and yet it feels like every step is full of pain.

And I wonder, is the pain all worth it? When I get to the finish, will I be proud? Or just relieved that it's over?

But of course, this is just one race in a series of races. Promoting THRIVE doesn't end on June 15 with the release of the ebook. There is the speaking tour I'm gingerly putting together for next year. There are the videos I've finally prioritized with Christian to get done. There are the audio books I need to record and master. There are the organizations I need to contact, the posts I need to write... and the list goes on.

And that's just THRIVE. I have so many other writing projects this could be my full time job, plus some. It is daunting. But I'm getting ahead of myself. I can't think that far, not yet. Right now I have to concentrate on one foot in front of the other. This is the first marathon. I have to finish as strong as I can.

*****************************
LAUNCH UPDATE

Despite the craziness of everything in the past week, I was able to get the following done:

• Researched victim organizations
• Contacted victim organizations
• Wrote post and submitted to one of the above.
• Wrote first draft of submission for writing blog related to THRIVE.
• Contacted friends at universities about speaker fees
• Posted to author forum about speaker fees etc
• Did social media blitz for several days on THRIVE.
• Blog posts
• Wrote and posted exclusive story to Patreon.
• Began rewriting FAMILY FRIEND OR FOE.

 This week I'd like to do the following:

• Contact friends personally about the book - either through social media or email or both (LAUNCH DAY IS NEXT MONDAY!).
• Contact more victim organizations about resource listings, guest posts, and guest speaking.
• Follow up with friend about radio appearance.
• Follow up with contact about speaking appearance.
• Send out inquiries about speaking appearances at local organizations related to THRIVE content.
• Send out social media blast about THRIVE.
• Rewrite post for web zine/blog and submit.
• Send email blast on launch day.
• Blog.

I think that is more than enough. If I'm lucky, I'll get some videos done, but I don't know how things will go in the evening. It's one of those things that I feel like everything is so full, so intense, I'm not sure how much energy I'll have at the end of the day. And I'm pretty spent right now. I have a major case of energy drain. I have to get back on track, which considering the timing, might be difficult to do. We'll see. I'm crossing my fingers and counting on the support of many to make this happen.

When there is a good purpose, I believe things happen. This will test my belief...and that's a little scary.

THRIVE Book Launch Week 10: Help Me Fulfill My Purpose

I have a broad vision, but I need your help.

For the next few posts my format is going to be a bit different. I wanted to focus on THRIVE related stories in the blog posts and keep my update separate. That way the stories are the focus of the post. As expected, THRIVE related posts will, of course, have THRIVE in the title.

Imagine that.

This week was hard because Christian's grandma died (see my last post). It derailed my social media campaign plans and to my chagrin, the people who said they would help me with posting have completely flaked...which really sucks.

More than ever I feel the need for support, in part because of this remarkable woman's death, but also because I feel the intense need for this story to reach people. I need people to read THRIVE. I need it. I believe (and people can think what they will of this) that part of my life purpose is to share this story and change people's lives through it.

I believe the reason I suffered as much as I have is because I am not the kind of person to succumb to addiction, or to sit back, or to wallow. I really feel that my suffering is a vehicle for the healing of others and of communities. I feel at the core of my being, that lives can be transformed by this story.

I need your help.

To get this story out, I need your support. My readers. My friends. My family. My acquaintances. I need you, each and every one of you, to do the following things:

1. Buy a copy of the book - the ebook is cheap, and even cheaper before June 15 (3.99 is less than a fancy coffee!). The paperback is the standard cost for that genre - not bad and you're supporting a friend.  
2. READ it. This goes without saying, but seriously. Read it.
3. Write a review, on Smashwords, Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Apple, whatever. Just do it - please. The more reviews the better.
4. Share posts from my Facebook author page, links to the book (paperback or digital), and or tweets. Talk it up to people who might need to read this story - it could help someone get through a tough part of life.
5. If you're feeling this close to your heart, then share it with organizations, media, or other outlets and contacts that would find this story interesting. I research, but I am limited. I may have missed something. I'm sure I missed something.

The thing I learned is that I am nothing without my support system. I need your help to fulfill the vision I have for this book. I have a dream about what my story can do, and I cannot realize it without you. Each and every one of you. You have come to my aid in the past, saved me from horrible fates (something I detailed in THRIVE), and I need your assistance one more time.

Please. Help me do this. Help me reach out to people suffering in silence. Help me pull them out and show them how they might live.

Thank you.

**************************
LAUNCH UPDATE

What did I do last week? Ugh. I feel like several weeks have passed in the span of one...

• Print copy of Lilith and Ammon
• Print copy of The Brothers
• Print copy of Lovers and Rivals
• Amazon Kindle copy of Lilith
• Kindle copy of new version Brothers
• Kindle copy of Lovers
• Uploaded Thrive preorder to Kindle
• Uploaded Thrive journal preorder to Kindle
• Blogged

And this week?

• Aggressive social media campaign posts - G+, Twitter, Facebook, author forums
• Blog posts
• Solicit organizations for Thrive as resource listing
• Solicit organizations for speaking engagements
• Upload to Patreon
• Start Family, Friend, Foe rewrite (WOOHOO!)

 I think that's enough. Remember, June 15 the Smashwords price will jump on THRIVE and TRANSFORM TO THRIVE. Until that point, you get a significant savings so make sure to PREORDER NOW! Unless you want to buy the paperback, in which case...ORDER NOW (the journal too!)! :-)

Birth of A Siren

Every day I ache, a wretched invisible ache. My wounds are hidden from view unless I choose to share them. Unless I reveal them, no one ever knows. No one ever sees. And they have no idea how painful it is to hear, to read their opinions – thoughts that deny my experience. Ideas that mock my life. That mock my ache.

How many ways can a woman suffer at the hands of men? Sometimes it feels like my life is an attempt to answer this question. Pick a chapter of my life, and I will show you. I spin around, eyes closed, and throw a dart. Find another way. Find another wound.

The beginning was so early. A toddler. A hidden memory. A dream? And it left its marks all over me. I never trusted adults, especially men. I didn't trust my own family members. I didn't trust boys. Any volatility was a sign to steer clear. Every action, from avoiding the toilets outside of teachers' sight at school, to walking home a block away from a group of boys, it was all calculated defense.

Stay invisible. Stay safe. Stay outside of reach. I won't get hurt – again.

But the stage was set. Another boy, another time, bent on abusing his power. And I gave mine away. I gave it away because I didn't know I had it. I didn't know who I was yet. So I took his scathing tongue. I took his sharp hand. I let him tear me down, as if it was okay, as others watched, doing nothing. Doing nothing because they didn't know better? Doing nothing because they agreed? Why doesn't matter.

Followed walking home. Anonymous letters. Laced drinks at a party. Betrayed by someone once trusted. Telling and no one believes me. No one knows what to do. No one knows how to act. No one knows what to say.

It must be my fault, right? I must have done something. I must have deserved all this. Because I wasn't dressed in Kevlar. Because I wasn't carrying a taser. Because I didn't kick him in the balls when he was sitting with me and my friends at lunch, smiling, and joking like we're all good here. Because I should have known that everyone close to me is a potential attacker. I should have hid my body even more...somehow suppressed the intense curves I was born to have. I should have… I should have… I should have…

And I am alone.

I call into the chaos, speaking truth and a thousand poisonous daggers point back.

I'm too mean. I'm a bitch. I'm too sexy. I'm a whore. I'm too pretty. I'm a slut. I'm too vocal. I'm annoying. I'm too smart. I'm wrong. I'm too much.

I'm a woman.

I'm monstrous feminine.

Despite the hidden scars I carry, the pain I feel when reading denials of my experience, I stand here. I stand, with natural armor, acquired through my battles. My skin is beautiful, perfect for withstanding any siege. I smile, baring teeth, my threat plain. I stand, proclaiming truth, defying the chaos. And my power whips about me, a hurricane beating against blind shores. I walk, back straight, head high. I wield my ache like a battle cry, a siren's call into the void.

Hear me!

Hear me sisters!

Our time is now.

Claim your power.

Claim your right.

Speak.

Stand.

Fight.

****************

If you want to learn more about my story and how I gained my perfect armor, reserve a copy of my book THRIVE: HOW I BECAME A SUPERHERO. To follow a crash course of my process, reserve a copy of TRANSFORM TO THRIVE: 32 DAYS FROM VICTIM TO SUPERHERO. 

THRIVE Book Launch Week 4: Burn Ships

Last week I got my final rejection letter for grad school.

Some people might give condolences, but I'm not sorry. I'm not because I also got another series of notices telling me I was not being considered for jobs. It felt like the go ahead...as in, the Universe dropped a piano to knock some sense into me,

It's okay Alexis. You are supposed to do this. If you don't effing do this, I'm going to make you. Love and Kisses, God/The Universe/Metaphysical Forces Everywhere.

Every other door closed. With every door closed except one, things get pretty easy. In fact, stupidly easy. In fact, I should drink a beer right now in gratitude.

And then there was another thing. As I reworked my KHLOE ALWELL series, I realized, I love these books. I mean, I would reread these books for fun...over and over...like I do Jane Austen, or Harry Potter. I mean, I'm not comparing myself to those writers, except to say I enjoy the story just as much. I mean, I'm reworking the heck out of these books. I was a hobbyist when I published them originally. I've grown tremendously since writing THE BROTHERS, but...

I love Laran. I love him. He is...my favorite. I mean, this guy seriously is the hot, snarky, punk I always wanted in a book. And I identify with Khloe - the girl who reluctantly accepts and embraces her power, to become something the world never expected, but always wanted. I love these books. Love. Them.

And I wrote them! Ha! And it's great if other people love them too, but I think...maybe...I just wrote them for me. And that's enough. The sexy, action-packed, snark is enough for me.

And as I realized that, while every other door closed, I filled with strength. Because suddenly, it didn't matter any more whether I sold ten books, or a hundred thousand. Suddenly, it didn't matter if people hated or loved my words.

I was meant to write. I was meant for this. I sailed across the sea, and as I reached the shore, those ships all burned. There are no bridges. There are only locked doors behind me. There is only one way forward - the word. My words.

The steps unfold before me, and I will take them with purpose - with faith - knowing it is my path, and it is right.

*************
LAUNCH PROGRESS UPDATE:

This past week was hard because I had some scheduling issues (in addition to the closed doors) and my computer was on the fritz. Christian got it back up and running, thankfully, but I now do daily back-ups so I won't lose any work. Read: I am going to have to replace my computer this year. Yikes.

Despite this, last week I finished:

• Patreon upload
• Blog posts
• Thrive & journal covers
• Updates to Thrive
• Revisions to journal
• Consulted with other authors about marketing
• Consulted with friends about marketing
• 100% revamped THE BROTHERS
• 30% revamped LOVERS & RIVALS
• Researched celebrity influencers
• Researched marketing campaigns
• Wrote out more marketing plans
• Divied up marketing elements
• Drew and edited novel artwork

This week I need to:

• Upload again to Patreon
• Write blog posts
• finish THRIVE updates
• talk to de facto editor about THRIVE updates
• Complete website
• Buy domain and hosting
• Upload revamped BROTHERS, description, & new cover
• 100% finish revamp of LOVERS & RIVALS
• revamp social media outlets (Facebook author page, Twitter, Patreon)
• finish social media cover photo promoting THRIVE

I'll let everyone know about updates, and definitely post website links etc as soon as it is up. I'm itching to get it done! If only there was more time in a day...

Don't Be a Writer

Note: This was written to advise those thinking about pursuing, or contemplating a more professional trajectory into writing. Because, you need to know, if you didn't already, what it is really like.

The early days of a starving artist...

My dear aspiring writer, don't. Don't be a writer. This is not a job you should choose. If there is anything else you would enjoy doing, do that. This is especially true if you have remotely thin skin because you will have to defend your choice at every turn. You will have to defend your craft and your creation. This is because from the very earliest part of a writing career, you are constantly attacked.

First, everyone will tell you it is impossible. They will say it a thousand times. They will say only the superstars make it. No one, however, knows what makes a superstar, and when you ask these people how superstars become superstars, they will name someone who already made it in another field with a ghostwritten book about said field. The other true writing stars? They paid whatever dues all writers must pay and that process remains a mystery to everyone, even the stars.

Everyone will say no one knows what makes a successful book. In fact, this is one thing everyone agrees on. Family and friends don't know how writing can be successful. Agents and writers don't know what books will be successful. No one in publishing understands people's tastes. Shitty writers can make millions of sales while pure genius prose can be used as drink coasters for Big Gulps. So if you can't handle that level of unknown, just don't bother writing.

If you're impatient, you really shouldn't write. The submission process involves a painful amount of waiting. You have to submit to a thousand agents to get a read through if you are anything like the other millions of people doing the same thing. And these agents will send you letters, time and again, saying it isn't quite right. They aren't interested in repping a book they aren't totally passionate about, and your book just doesn't do it for them. They send these notes anywhere from a week after receiving your query, to never. You might never get a response at all and will have to infer that your writing just wasn't good enough for them to be your advocate.

Some people will say you should get a few stories published and that will help your chances. Maybe having a few published pieces will convince agents it is worth taking a chance on you. But you have to find the right home for your stories. You might read a bunch of magazines and think you found the right one, but your opinion doesn't matter. It's the editor's opinion that matters. And so you get rejected. Again.

Others will say, write some articles! And the process repeats with the addition of some head banging against either a table top, a wall, or both.

Finally someone will say, why don't you self-publish? But of course, self-publishing is looked down upon by pretty much everyone. You can't be writing good work if you self-publish, even though a lot of “superstars” go on to self-publish, and a lot of self-published authors go on to be picked up by traditional publishers (only after they have sold thousands upon thousands of copies under their own steam). And so many other people have self-published and have nothing to show for it. Your chances are slim, even if you follow every book marketing guru's instructions for success. After all, they have no idea what makes for a successful book.

Determined, you read more writing blogs. You read about the successes and failures of your superstars. You try to fit into the molds of different agents and publishing houses. You try to fit into the molds of the market. You make a thousand mistakes. You try again. You make more mistakes. You try again. You open a bottle of whiskey and chug half of it. You write. You lay awake at night with terrible heartburn wishing you knew what to do, that someone would mentor you to success. You rewrite. You think if you could just figure out the magical formula that mixes lead and snake oil you could get gold.

You write every day for months on end. You blog. You comment on other writers' work. You read. You drink the other half of the whiskey bottle mixed with Ethiopian coffee brewed in your French press, because this is what you have in your kitchen to eat. You have become the epitome of the starving artist. It happened some time between the first set of agent queries and one of the rounds of rejections from literary zines. You lose weight. You wear thrift shop clothes that make Macklemore proud. You only buy generic food from the grocery store, and at some point you will finally break down and go to the food pantry when your last bit of pride is stripped away.

But then, you get an email back. It is unexpected. It is a single website where you thought your work would fit in perfectly. They want to print it. SUCCESS! You got an article posted on a website besides your free blog! You're going somewhere! You're a real writer!

That iota of affirmation is all you needed to get through another series of grueling rejections of another piece of your creative soul.

The dream isn't dead. It just got a fresh shock back to life. But never fear, you'll feel this again. And again. Always just on the brink of death, you'll get jolted, pulled back in by that horrible temptress hope.

So don't be a writer. It promises a lifetime of psychological masochism. Be an accountant, or a paralegal. Be a mid-level manager in a large corporation. You'll have a regular salary and so much less psychic pain.

But if there is nothing else that you can do – if it is impossible for you to stop writing – then you must write. You can never be happy doing anything else. You will never be fulfilled. You will never have solace. You will carry the burden of creation within you and without the pen and paper, the keys and screen, you will explode. Or worse, you will rot, the stories inside their womb, dead, festering, spreading their necrosis across your spirit. It will affect every relationship. It will affect every interaction. It will mark every second of your life – with that horrible longing ache that comes when words must be written, when ideas crave expression.

No one will think worse of you publicly for becoming a writer. They will praise your courage and bravery – your commitment to the craft. They will tell you time and again how they always wanted to write a book but never had the time, the energy, or a single coherent idea. If you have completed manuscripts they will fawn over you. If you have published anything, even independently, they will gush over you, amazed they met someone, anyone, with enough discipline and courage to not only finish, but share their vulnerable creation with the world. They will marvel at you, that despite all the reasons not to be a writer, you chose it, and continue to, not because you are a masochist, but the very opposite; because you hate pain.

Because if you are a writer by birth, and do not write, your existence is sheer agony. In this case, it is much better to write, much better to subject yourself to that Promethean submission process. Then at least, there is some chance of relief. This is the curse of the writer, the burden you must bear if you are a writer. If there is no choice.

But, if you can choose, by all means, choose something else. This vocation is not for the weak of heart.

Ideas and Inaction: The 2 Water Dish Problem

Is that the right path over there?

For creatives, or starving artists, there's a problem in the realm of ideas. There are too many. Certainly that is my problem.

I wake up and have twelve different ideas by breakfast. Some of them I dream while in deep sleep. Others I discover in the course of getting my toddler dressed. Others I have while reading through my social media feeds. And then, when I have these ideas, I have to decide whether I should keep thinking about them - let them develop into something.

The process of vetting such ideas takes maybe a few seconds, but it always goes more or less like this:

"Oh shit! That would be an awesome story!"
"It would. It really would. People would read that."
"Damn! I could write that kind of fan fiction!"
"No I couldn't."
"Yes I could."
"No I couldn't. How could I get into that character's head?" Pauses while thinks through how that would work.
"Wait, yes I COULD! WAHOO!!!"

Keep in mind this happens daily. It happens daily all the while I'm working on several other projects. And this is not the whole day - this is just before breakfast.

You see the problem.

I don't have enough time to follow through on every idea. I can't. It is impractical. I have to prioritize. I have to decide which ideas are worth pursuing. Which ones would I enjoy? Which ones would benefit society? Which ones would be profitable?

This is the same problem creatives, like myself, encounter with jobs. As a creative, I am capable of doing a lot. I have the skills and abilities to make magic happen because I have this wild potential-seeking mind. I solve problems constantly. Ideas bloom, literally, in my sleep. I cannot keep up with them. So of course I do well in problem solving environments. I can do anything in theory, but that doesn't necessarily mean I flourish.

I could, for example, work in a 9-5 job. But, frankly, I might kill myself. I don't say that as a rhetorical device. Working 9-5 doing something that is busy work, surrounded by hundreds of cubicles makes me want to jump off a bridge. Really. There isn't enough variety. People are telling me what to do and how to do it, when those are the kinds of things I excel at on my own. It is soul sucking and does not make use of the extent of my gifts. So of course I would bang my head against the wall and need to take some kind of mood altering prescriptions just to survive.

That is not living.

But what about traditional jobs that do honor my tendencies? What about jobs that do allow me to make use of my crazy idea creation and vetting process? Where are they? What are they? How do I find these things?

The easy thing is to decide what I want to do and then find that.

*blinks while looking blankly*

Right. Remember how I just explained the different ideas I have? Remember how many I have every day before breakfast alone?! What do I want to do? How do I figure that out?

Well, there are the books by career counselors that can be helpful. But what if the required skills you need to do the thing you want to do are out of reach. What if, for example, I decide I want to be a professor for a day job and then, I am rejected by the doctoral programs that would essentially guarantee me such a position (or at least make it possible)?

That is a pickle.

So I end up staring down at my list of ideas, like my wild and crazy skills, wondering how I can cobble them together into a job.

I mean, I know. I know what job I want. What kind of success I want. I know that. I've got it in my head and I visualize it every day (read: comic convention panels, women's conference panels, writing workshops...the list goes on). But, the path to getting there is foggy. The ideas run fast and hard and I can see about twenty different routes to achieving the same thing. Which to choose?

It is like the dog with two water dishes. He sits there, staring at both, getting progressively more thirsty, never drinking. How does he choose? Which one is better? The answer is neither. They both have good water. Both will work. It is whichever one he likes. But the dishes are the same, he thinks. But they aren't. One is on the left, the other on the right. One is nearer the window, the other nearer his owner's chair. It does not matter which he chooses, except that one quenches his thirst and makes him feel good.

But I might regret not choosing the other dish!

Yeah...well...cost of business. All paths will reach the destination. Both dishes solve the problem of thirst. But sitting there ruminating about it won't do anything.

I am actually drinking water. I have actually four books that will definitely be published this year. Two are finished, but in revision phases. Two just need a few more chapters complete and will be done. That's kind of amazing. That means I will have finished four books while watching a toddler...since January. That's kind of remarkable.

I am definitely drinking the water here. I submitted pieces to magazines and got positive rejections (I just added a third to my group...) which means I'm getting closer on that front as well. Closer, but not there...yet.

But in the mean time, waiting for thirst to abate, I'm wondering if this is okay. If my time wouldn't be better spent doing other things. Should I use my skills somewhere else? Should I do something else? Should I have a day job outside of raising my kid? Could I manage that? I applied to a few traditional jobs, and I have to admit that I'm cautious. I mean, if I do not pursue my dream, my vision, part of me will die inside. It is that tension - the tension of giving up, of accepting defeat, versus continuing to battle, continuing the pursuit. The first is pushed by society at large (like, get real). The second is glorified (as in, "Wow! I could never do that! You're amazing!").

I think, no matter what, it is better to be on a path to achieving the goal than not. Not achieving the goal - the dream - is not okay. So I store my vetted ideas for later refusing to get distracted, continue pushing on the ones I've prioritized, and act as though I know what I'm doing. Which I don't. I'm just guessing here and hoping for the best. I mean, I think that's a pretty good idea.

Rejection, Grief, and the Search for Direction

I am in a place where the eye does not see.

That line from Avatar keeps floating around my head. It keeps floating because it feels like I have been abandoned, by dreams and hope. It feels like I've been abandoned by light itself.

On Friday I got an email from one of the doctoral programs saying I was rejected. To be fair, it was kindly done. It was as compassionate as such an email can be. They had only so many spots. It was very competitive. I had a very strong essay. They were very sorry and looked forward to watching my contributions to the field from afar.

After I read it I was in shock. I couldn't hear my son asking for me. I couldn't think. I didn't know what I was seeing. I put on Sesame Street and sat down. I needed to talk it out - figure out how I felt about this.

"I can't believe it." That was my first thought.

"What am I going to do?" That was the second.

"They're going to regret this later." The third.

"Who can I call?"

But it was the middle of the afternoon. No one was around. People were working. I was alone with my son and my heart was breaking. I was barely functional. I didn't want to scare him. I couldn't let myself feel. I couldn't yell. I couldn't scream. I wouldn't allow myself to cry. And I wanted all that. I wanted to pour out every inch of my heart to get rid of that awful, horrible, poisonous feeling inside.

Because it wasn't just about the school. It wasn't just about rejection. It was about what the hell I am supposed to do next fall. 

I can't keep living at my parents' house in a tiny bedroom in one of the most expensive counties in the country. I can't keep subsisting - just making loan payments, and just writing my reclusive heart into ones and zeros. I have to do something. I have to be someone. I have to live up to some standard of myself that has remained out of reach for approaching a decade. I have to make the world a better place. I have to charge down the path of legacy, making my mark with more than sand or ink. I need to ossify that shit so it is impossible to remove - so it is carved into the bigger psyche of America. So I know I am more than shouting in the dark. It is so time.

Eight years is too long to put yourself on hold. It is too long to pretend everything is okay. It is just too long to maintain a lie, a lie that became my glass cage, letting me look out watching as others, my equals in socialization and education, mastered their own successes and left me behind.

If I was lucky they would look past me, forgetting my existence, just a figment of their past life. "I wonder what happened to Alexis?" "Oh, I don't know. She's probably changing the world or something. You know how she is." And then they would move on with their day, satisfied they solved their question. 

If I was unlucky, they would look down and see my glass box, see me struggling against uncontrollable forces and bounded choices that kept me contained. They would frown, ask me how I was doing, how they could help, all the while congratulating themselves for not being in my place.

"How lucky I am! I never took out that many loans!"

"How good it was that I could live in X city where the labor market was good when I needed a job!"

"How wonderful it is that I happened to study this while in school, and met such and such person, who put me on the fast track to upper middle class comfort!"

Everyone doesn't think this way. Some, I know from their big hugs and flowing tears, genuinely grieved at my rejection, at the closing of a door we thought was the right one. They thought, like I did, this would be a way for my family - a cold, harsh change, but at least a path to success.

Many remind me that I have other options still yet to get back to me. And if I'm honest with myself, I still have at least three books intended for publication this year. I have a bunch of articles I intend to pitch to various online magazines about various things. It isn't really the end. I know that. My mind knows that. But my heart? My heart is still in total freak out mode.

I still haven't answered that fundamental question, "What am I going to do?"

And the reality is, I can't. I don't know what I will do because it isn't clear. The path hasn't been determined because all the pieces are not yet moved. All the tactics are not tested. Everything hasn't been tried. There are things that just haven't come full circle yet.

So even as I freak out, and grieve, and rage, and wallow, I am digging in my heels. I am reading. I am thinking. I am researching. I am trying and testing and moving. This is all I can do, now that the shock is gone and my tears have dried. I grope my way through the darkness, hoping to be seen, hoping to see, always seeking more light.

Life Success System

Transition can be so beautiful...

According to many business minded blogs, systems are the way to success. This is what many self-made people argue, and indeed, it would appear this kind of structure helps ensure focus. When a person has a system, a standard operating proceedure to fall back on, it guarantees that certain things get done no matter what.

It might seem a little awkward to talk about "personal standard operating procedures," after all, applying a business concept to one's life feels rather robotic. That said, I can say quite honestly that it works. I can say this, because in order to fulfill my promises to myself and ensure I achieve my goals, I have implemented a few systems of my own.

At first, it was a bit of experiment. I started off with some casual things. Once I experienced a little success with these smaller items, I decided to apply the same concepts to other areas of my life.

Because I hate veiled language and undelivered promises, I will explicitly share with you what I have done and then what I intend to do. In short, I'm going to give you my system. Keep in mind, it might not work for you. Just because it works for me, does not mean it will for you. The fact is, a system only works if it is used consistently. If you cannot follow it consistently, then do something else. This means you may experience some trial and error. I can attest that I have tried all manner of things and I have finally come up with something that works for me (and works for me in all aspects of my life).

The first thing I wanted to do was change a few habits. In order to do that, I downloaded a 21 day habit app (21 Days Effect from Google Play). I then chose three habits I wanted to establish. Each day I had to check into the app and choose whether or not I had completed the habit for a total of 21 days. At the end of the 21 days, I would input three new habits (or select one of the previous for another 21 days).

Now, I will openly admit that I need the check in. I need some accountability and I hate failure. Hate failure. I cannot stand being unsuccessful at something, thanks to a strong perfectionist streak. The check in, even if it is just within the app, is enough motivation for me to maintain focus on my selected daily goals for the 21 days.

I decided to choose some physical goals - like calorie counts and exercise quotas. Later, after a little success with the app, I added some professional goals. These I based on the things I feel called to complete in order to achieve my long term vision for myself.

My long term vision is a five year plan that includes my writing, finances, level of reknown, "day job," and family life. In order to realize that vision, I divided it up into yearly items. I realized I could only control myself, and so rather than worrying about how things would be received, I decided to ensure I did everything within my power to realize my vision every year, month, day, and hour.

This year, it meant applying to doctoral programs (check!), publishing a nonfiction piece (in beta reading as I write this post), finishing the Khloe Alwell series (80% finished with the manuscript of the last book!), finishing Andrew from the Rollins Pack, and completing related marketing/publishing changes for all related items. On top of all that, I need to assure my family is provided for. In order to do that, I need to have a way to make money consistently.

That seems like a lot when I write it out like that. Okay, actually it is a lot. But if I break it down into bite sized chunks, it isn't. Really. In fact, I plan to get it all done by July.

I decided the order in which to get these things done. First, my nonfiction book is in beta reading. Until I get feedback about that, I am unwilling to publish it. In the mean time, I can write a guest post or media packet item once a week related to the book.

Next, I decided to focus on Khloe. My Khloe fans have been waiting patiently for the last installment, and it's time I fulfill my promise. I gave myself several weeks to rewrite the 80k that was written, and then another month to complete the first draft. Then I gave myself a couple weeks to rewrite into a second/third draft. When that was complete, I would send it to a few beta readers. With feedback, I'd do another draft, give myself a day for coverart, and publish. I took less than a week to rewrite the 80k and already I am up to 92k. By giving myself very achievable daily goals, I am able to pace myself and maintain momentum. When I have more time and energy, I rewrite or write more. When I don't, I focus on reaching my daily goal.

By putting my daily writing goal into the app, I have added accountability. It is enough to make me feel like I'm in a race with myself, which is ideal for the competitive perfectionist.

Needless to say, I divided the tasks for Andrew in a similar way and will complete it when I send Book 4 to beta. After Andrew, I hope to have my nonfiction piece in hand, will rewrite it, and publish, along with a nice marketing campaign in relevant sites and blogs. I get my daily goals done before I do anything else, and I'm golden.

Once those book related items are done, then it is time to focus on developing a consistent income stream. In my five year plan, my books do that for me. Right now however, I need an alternative. This is especially true if I enroll in a doctoral program.

I have a TON of business ideas on any given day. In fact, it's a little crazy how varied my ideas are (products, services, websites, brick and mortar...you name it). There are several issues with this, however...

1. Isolating the best idea.
2. Hammering out the details.
3. Making it work.

In the past there was also the question of having enough energy to get started. Getting started is the first difficult thing. The second difficult thing is continuing before the idea builds enough inertia to be self-sustaining.

Getting started is scary for me, but I can do it. In the past my true hurdle was waiting for sufficient inertia.

I have written more than enough books to feel good about publication. I feel good about my overall plan. While I continue to follow my plan for writing, marketing, and publication, I need to decide what I idea to develop for a consistent income stream. That way, when I have finished my publication goals, I can transition seemlessly to my business/income development goals.

So far my system works. I'm moving along on a good clip. I am sure of my success. I just need to decide what that success will look like and then I can make it happen. I have a system for that.

Come Out, Come Out, Whoever You Are!

Some paths are scary...

Lately there have been several recurring themes in my life and therefore, my writing: coincidence, fate, purpose, choice, self-acceptance, and "coming out."

But worth it.

First of all, I don't believe in coincidence. I'm a person of faith and I've had too many strange things happen in my life to believe in "coincidence." I believe that everything happens for a reason, so you could say I believe in a kind of fate and that things - and people - have related purposes.

That said, I also believe you can choose to ignore or follow your purpose. In order to actively make that choice, many times a person must engage in self-exploration. This often leads to the discovery of both pleasant and unpleasant elements of the self (history, talents, preferences, personality traits, etc). This also leads to the possibility of self-acceptance (or not).

The process of discovery and acceptance in turn leads to the possibility of "coming out."

When encountering the phrase "coming out" most people think of an LGBT person openly declaring their gender/orientation, however "coming out" is not exclusively an LGBT act. Any part of the self that has been hidden, dormant, or laying in a deep recess can be brought to the light of day and shared with others. The process, and often the implications, are the same.

It is the implications of "coming out" - of a change in identity - that piques my interest. It also keeps me up at night.

Coming out is hard. It isn't like going from the identity of coupled woman to mother. That identity is clear and easy to see. It is one most people encounter on a regular basis, and for most people, there are no loose ends or questions raised by such an identity change.

The nature of coming out means the hidden identity or issue being brought into the open is uncomfortable, otherwise it wouldn't have been hidden. There is something shameful or uncomfortable, or difficult about this identity or issue, usually for both the self and others. It calls some fundamental thing into question - roles, relationships, actions, all shift to a new and strange place with this new identification.

Sometimes such identifications become the person. Literally, these difficult identities are so hard to get past for most other people, the self becomes two-dimensional. Suddenly the self is only lesbian, is only an addict, is only poor, is only an abuser, is only a victim, is only a criminal according to the other. Pigeon-holing abounds when the new issue comes to light. In order to overcome this shallowing process, the self must work extra hard to show up this new identity: I am green, progressive, Christian, athletic, multi-racial, multi-lingual, educated etc. These other identities are forced into competition with the "shameful" and marginalized new identity.

Some people choose to embrace their marginalized identity and center their lives around these things, for example a once battered woman turned activist who works with battered women. Another example would be a recovering alcoholic choosing to support others in their quest for sobriety. The centering of this identity surpasses a volunteer level, but moves to paid work as well as possible volunteering. Literally, life in these situations is entirely focused on this "shameful" identity.

The other possibility is to downplay such identities and to focus on something else. I think of the case of Maya Angelou who could have focused much of her writing and energy on the fact that she was molested and raped as a child. She could have written much of her work about - and championed victims of - sexual abuse and assault, however she did not. She chose a wider platform that included socio-economic, race, gender, and orientation identities rather than a single pigeon-holed identity of "victim."

Of course no one is a single thing. Each person has multiple facets, each informing the other. Experiences, preferences, and inherent abilities all contribute to the people we are. Often, however, one aspect or set of aspects stands out. One or a set of identities speaks to us more. We identify with a given set more strongly, and there are reasons for this (our experiences and preferences, for example).

This is where a given person's purpose lies - surrounding those identities of utmost importance.

However there is tension in balancing a person's purpose with the potential of pigeon-holing. There is tension surrounding that question of pigeon-holing and acceptance by others. Will I be stereotyped if I come out? Will I always be only this one thing? Will my identity overshadow my purpose? Will it interfere with achieving my life purpose? - asks the self.

Inevitably, the answer is: I don't know. We cannot know. The other is the one who answers these questions by their actions - their acceptance and rejection. It is only when the self is made vulnerable by coming out that the answer can be given and received. Until then, there is only anxious speculation.

We all have secrets. We all have hidden parts of ourselves. With every hidden piece, there is a debate regarding with whom we render ourselves vulnerable. For those who live more public lives - bloggers, writers, pastors, politicians, celebrities - the debate is more intense. The revelation of a secret self has more lasting and difficult implications. Will my brand be impacted? Will my image be impacted positively or negatively (because it will be impacted one way or another)? Is it worth it? Is it more important to be honest and authentic than to worry about the potential fallout? How strongly do I identify with this part of myself? If I decide to come out, how should I do it? Will it be quiet? Will it be for maximum impact? If so, what would create maximum impact?

These are the questions we ask ourselves. These are the questions that keep us up at night because there are no easy answers. There are no right answers. There are only answers that align with a person's purpose and those that do not. So it comes down to choice: what is your purpose? Who is your secret self? Will sharing your secret self with others further your purpose in this world? If the answer is yes, then it's time. It's time to come out.

What Change Wrought: Relationship, Writer's Block, and Self-Development

Sometimes strong feelings or major life events can be inspiring to a writer. Other times, they are the exact opposite.

For a while I was doing very well with my daily writing goals. I was consistent. Frequently I more than surpassed them by several thousand words! Recently, however, I've been struggling. I haven't written consistently in some time. I missed July by a long shot, neglecting my publication goal despite its reachability. I mean, Khloe could have been done by now. And I want to finish, intellectually. But I just don't have the motivation.

Part of this has been because my son has grown into a more active phase in his development. He does require energy stores that I used to put solely towards writing. However, to place the blame squarely on my child's activity level is unfair and unrealistic. Yes, his energy draw is large, but he takes naps. He plays by himself. He sleeps earlier than I do. I could realistically write even with his increased mobility. There is more going on. Much more.

As you know from reading earlier posts, I've been on quite a journey this year. Every week brings new change in myself and my perspective. It has been a healing time. It has been a beneficial time. I have learned things about myself and come to conclusions in this year that I never could have at other times in my life. I work out 6 days a week. I study Spanish daily. I try to eat balanced meals. I try to meditate at least once a day. I'm working towards specific professional goals.

And I am sincerely grateful for this. I am healthier, stronger, and generally more focused. It is an exciting time for me.

Unfortunately I have a major area of my life that is holding me back and I feel this is impacting my writing. My mind is so focused on this area that I have been uninspired to write. For someone like me who typically writes daily and has multiple books independently published, this is a strange turn.

I would even go so far as to say I have no interest in writing.

In fact, writing this blog post was a chore. I struggled to pick up the laptop. I wrote lines of several other posts and even wrote entire completely different posts before finally settling on this topic as worthy of publication on my blog. I agonized over the words in this post. I fretted over coming clean about this issue. And even still, there is much more I could confess to you, my gentle readers. But what should I say? What is too much? What is enough without making people uncomfortable?

Crazy, right? I mean, who does that? And what could possibly twist me up so badly as to cause such difficulties?

Well, I will answer: the next phase in my life journey. I am applying to PhD programs, and that necessarily is a point of excitement and trepidation. If I don't get accepted, it doesn't matter. I would be disappointed but I would get over it. I would decide on another goal. Rejection is not my worry. My worry is that it will create more relationship difficulties than I have at present.

You see, when someone undergoes transformation, it is impossible for things to stay the same. The equilibrium is disrupted and suddenly old habits don't fly any more. New things are required. Change doesn't just happen in the person transforming, but all around that person has to change. The question is, how?

Absolutely I have transformed. It began with my pregnancy and has continued for the 11 months since my son's birth. I am a completely different woman, with a completely different understanding of how I want to be in the world. Part of this had to do with acceptance of myself, part of it had to do with deciding what I wanted and then actually taking realistic measurable steps towards those things. And quite frankly, I know my husband isn't interested in the same things I'm interested in. It is not that he is consciously working against me getting my goals, but he isn't helping me get them either. As I try to shoot higher and higher, I feel more and more that I am weighted down.

I don't feel this way because I no longer love my husband or because he is sabotaging me. Neither of those things are strictly true. I feel this way because the longer and more entrenched my transformation becomes, the clearer it is to me that my husband is unable to change.  Or rather, he is so worried about what steps he should take, he doesn't take any. He doesn't change because he doesn't feel 100% confident in what he wants. He goes back and forth, afraid to stay where he is, and afraid to move forward. While he's waffling, I'm moving forward with my life, leaving him in the dust. I'm growing and changing quickly and he isn't...

It is pretty clear why I've been struggling with writing.

How can you do anything you love when something so crucial as your relationship is in the hands of someone else? I don't know. I struggle with it every day. It is painful to watch my spouse rely on old habits and struggle against the changing landscape that is our relationship and his very different wife. It is painful to watch him make choices that inevitably cause discord and difficulty. It is painful to watch him make choices that utilize a kind of logic that doesn't make the remotest bit of rational sense to me.

We're one week away from our 6 year anniversary, and I wonder how things will be moving forward. It is no longer my decision. I have made my choices and I'm comfortable with them. I just hope that he actively chooses his own transformation, one that will enhance and enrich my own. I hope he decides to join me.

In the mean time, I wonder. I wonder when things will change in such a way that I am once more inspired to write. I wonder what would make the difference for him. I wonder what will inspire him to transform. I wonder when I will be able to truly move forward in every aspect of my life. I can't handle the stagnation. It is upsetting.

Because right now, when I hold the computer on my lap, I don't want to write. I don't want to open my word processor. I don't want to open my blog post editor.

I just want to browse the web and forget.

2014 Master Writer Plan Update: April

The 2014 Master Writer Plan is going...alright.

So far I've been consistent in reaching my weekly word count goals, which is FAN-FRICKIN-TASTIC! As I expected, I didn't get a book published or cover done in March, which was fine.

Here is where I am in April:

• 2 covers finished (for the first 2 books)
• Consistent blog posting and better interaction with readers/fans/followers
• 2 books edited, proofed, and formatted
• 2 other books are approximately half-way written (one non-fiction and another fiction)
• Weekly word count goals have been met/exceeded since declared plan even if some days are slightly lacking which means...
• Monthly word count goals have been met/exceeded

First I'd like to say that I am thrilled with my progress. I'm half-way through the writing portion of my goal (at least by book, by word...the biggest slog will be Khloe...*cringe*). I've started a non-fiction series which I think will be a great success (tied directly to my parenting blog).

There have been some bumps along the way. I've been working to add navigation to my books and I'm having trouble doing so. Needless to say, this has been incredibly frustrating and in order to get it right, I need a block of several hours to go through the book and write out all the section titles and assign hyperlinks to them and bookmarks. It's a pain in the ass (especially for the 52 Lists book...as you can imagine). That said, it's a good idea to do things like this because it makes it a lot easier on readers and the easier things are on readers, the more likely they will enjoy the book and recommend them to friends. So I cross my fingers and hope this is appreciated and not taken for granted (though if it was me, I'd probably take it for granted so...).

The nice thing is, the more I do these things, the easier they get. Writing more books? Easy peasy. Editing and proofing? Getting easier. Cover art? Easy. Formatting? Definitely getting easier and more streamlined (phew!). Publishing? Much easier.

Now I just have to get this mothering thing under wraps...

Detox Life and Reach Goals

Since I started adhering to a writing plan that involves daily and weekly goals, I'm back on track in other aspects of my life. In fact, I would say that I'm in the process of cleaning house.

How, do you ask?

Well, at first it was journaling. I was going through a real dark time, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Journaling helped me to release a lot of things going through my mind which freed me to work on other things (read: writing).

Then I added yoga. I'm not one of those people who is into mixing spiritual disciplines so I was a little hesitant to do this before now. The reason I finally came around and decided to add it to my daily routine is because it can be a kind of meditation. Meditation is good for the body, mind, and spirit. It releases tension can help the body rid itself of toxins etc. It's just a good idea all the way around.

So I hopped onto the Hindu bandwagon for some yoga (just yoga...no pantheon or holy thread or anything). It's been a real blessing and incredibly nourishing to me on every level. I also think I get to sleep faster because of it (probably because of how relaxing it is - this has nothing to do with my new mom sleep deprivation...I swear!).

Then I started adding daily workouts on top of these things. This is something I've really just begun doing this week with any consistency. I had been doing some casual circuit training using my baby as resistance, but that was very sporadic at best (and who knows how effective it was being at achieving my fitness goals other than building muscle). This week I added some kickboxing circuit training videos and next week I plan to up the ante with some other circuit training and HIIT videos. These are ideal for me because they're short but effective, which means I can do them without leaving my baby playing in his play area for too long. The only problem with them is I kind of want them to be longer...or more intense feeling (I sense I'll be adding some low level weights to these puppies!).

I say this now, but talk to me in a week...

My next step is to implement better eating choices...

And then who knows? More active promotion? Actively socializing (sensing a trend here?)?

Needless to say I'm doing these things while I'm reaching my writing goals every day, and I'm taking care of my little man. I know that as I move through this time, every aspect of my life is getting cleaner and the next step of everything is becoming clearer. It's a great feeling.

Sometimes you just need to do some spring cleaning of yourself.

40 Things I'll do When I'm a Billionaire...

Or rich and famous or whatever... everyone has a list of things they'd do or be. I'm feeling wistful so I decided to share some of the things I'd do if I was stupidly rich.

1. Buy a boat - specifically a kayak. I frickin LOVE kayaks. Maybe two. I could go paddling with friends. That would be awesome.
2. Pay off my debts - I don't know why this is second, but I guess I just like fun a little more. Still, this is something I'd like to get done.
3. Buy some land, maybe a few plots in different locations. I REALLY want to build/design at least one house. I think it would be a marvellous adventure, and you can't beat the personalization.
4. Establish a school and after school program. I show my academic stripes here, but honestly I've fantasized about this since I was in elementary school. I'd like to have something special, for kids who have something to them, whatever that might be (regardless of their economic status).
5. Invest some money, you know, with the kind of plan that would make the Johnson family look like amateurs (Think 10 generations of wealth as opposed to 5! Beat that with your soap empire!).
6. And what would I do with that investment money? Take care of my parents for one.
7. And probably my in-laws as well.
8. And of course set something up for my son - a trust of some sort that could only become accessible after he had genuinely tried to make his way in the world. Not a drop would be his until he'd done something with himself (the same with any other children should we have them).
9. I'll hire a publicist who was more than worth her salt.
10. I'll take dance lessons. A lot of them. Salsa. Ballroom. West African. Belly dancing. Hula. Swing. Hip-hop. I absolutely LOVE dancing.
11. I'd get Lasik (well, I'd like to get Lasik anyway.).
12. And with my new eyes I'd take up archery. There's nothing like shooting a sharp-ended stick at a target using a piece of tight string!
13. I'll get regular massages, waxes, manicures, and pedicures. I believe in pampering.
14. Go to writing conferences.
15. Travel to all the places I really want to see, namely China, Ireland, Italy, Southern India, the Yucatan (assuming there's nothing violent happening there), Greece, Alaska, Hawaii, France, Germany, Japan, South Korea, Macao, Brazil, Egypt (again with the nothing violent business), and New Zealand (There's more places I'm sure, but I think that's a pretty good start.).
16. Buy a few pieces of commercial property.
17. I'll set up a foundation.
18. Of course I'd start a few businesses.
19. And I'd have to pursue all those crazy ideas I'm always having. I might even have to start a think tank just to research the viability of such ideas.
20. I'd have to hire some personal staff, including but not limited to an assistant, accountant/financial advisor, and a lawyer. It's always good to have a few extra sets of hands to deal with the mess money makes.
21. I will STILL be grateful for the wonderful things I have in my life, like my son, my husband, and my cat.
22. Oh, and I will try to actually learn a couple languages (more than just the few choice phrases I've acquired throughout my education).
23. I might buy a vineyard because that sounds fun!
24. I will host nice gatherings where people who are genuine can mingle with other genuine people.
25. Buy a space for an art and music studio.
26. Go to plays.
27. See awesome music shows.
28. See dance troupes.
29. Buy a really comfortable mattress.
30. I'll have a few more kids.
31. I might buy a horse.
32. I'll find a designer who can handle curves to design my wardrobe.
33. Someone else will cut and style my hair.
34. Take several cooking classes to get a good handle on Asian dishes and bread/pastry making.
35. I would start a non-profit consulting company that would help non-profits become more efficient/make the most of their resources.
36. I might go to the dermatologist.
37. I'll visit amusement parks.
38. Volunteer at schools and/or local charities.
39. Start a magazine or a newspaper/site.
40. Most importantly, no matter what I did, I would always live life to the fullest.

There are other things I could dream up that hinge on obscene wealth (or even just moderate wealth), but the thing about this list is that it still comes from a particular place. Yes there is stuff on this list, but there are experiences as well. There is giving. I hope that should I come into money at some point, this approach to life won't change. Then again, a stack of money probably isn't enough to undo years and years of socialization in compassion and adventurousness. At least I hope not!

What would you do with a bagillion dollars? Leave a comment below!

Selling Out v. True Blue

Recently I have been reading a particular YA author's latest addition to her bestselling series.

I have to say I was terribly disappointed.

While her original trilogy wasn't my favorite series ever, I enjoyed it generally. There was something to those first 3 books that grabbed me - the interactions, snarky dialog, and nerdy references were great.

And then she started writing for profit.

Or at least that's how it feels when I read her newer books. I feel like every cliche was drawn upon - stories were packaged and produced to achieve a given end. In short, they weren't written just to be written.

That, and sometimes a universe needs to be retired. Like seriously.

Seriously.

I'm saying these things because it reminded me of yet another reason why I chose the path I chose for publishing/writing. As I continue to read articles and interviews of other indie writers, I am convinced more and more that writing what you love for the sake of writing is the route to go.

Don't get me wrong. Readers are important. I heard from 3 people these week about how much they loved my books. I know...it sounds like a pittance to you, but to me it was HUGE.

You see, I feel like I genuinely earned those readers. My books aren't perfectly packaged. I haven't paid for bells or whistles (I can't...remember?). I don't have someone sheering off edges of my books or cutting out characters because they don't fit perfectly into the saleable marketing niche a publishing house is pursuing.

My books are my own. And while I certainly want to dialog with readers about the books and the direction of the characters, I get that final say of what happens in my stories - not an agent. Not an editor. Just me.

The more I learn about the whole process, the more convinced I am that putting out work you feel strongly about, and continuing to do so despite everything is the way to go. Eventually people will notice. It won't necessarily mean you become wildly successful. You probably won't be rolling in the dough...but...you'll probably do okay.

It is possible. I see that happening for me in the near future. I feel it beginning. I know I just have to put out some more books (finishing a series would probably be good...namely book 4 in Khloe, which incidentally I have given a secret working title and have main plot points). I might focus on other media for a little while...namely when my creativity is zapped by the pooping machine I'll have in a month (print and audio books? Hmmm...).

Whatever I end up doing, I'm going to continue doing it my way because that's the best way for me to be. I figure if Macklemore can do it in music...who's to say I can't do it in literature?

Making Your Writing Immortal

Sometimes art is just for the sake of art. That is true. Yet the older I get, the more obnoxious that seems - and pointless.

The truth is, even if we do not consciously decide why we create something, there is still a reason. Something forced us to make that thing. Maybe it was fame. Maybe it was yearning for one more story about those manga characters. Maybe it was just because we wanted something fun to read. But good literature isn't derived from these.

The difference between artful literature and pulp is not just craftmanship. It is purpose. Why else would the Ray Bradburys of the world be so influential? Why else would the Asimovs get under our skin with their writing? It is because ideas were written in a new way that allowed us to engage them. I can think of numerous science fiction stories that still unsettle me because of their poignancy. And these are read in English classes across the country along with Tolstoy, Steinbeck, and Joyce.

This is the difference.

It is the difference between immortality and 15 seconds.

I am increasingly convinced of this as I move through various art forms. The more I ingest, the more I realize how much fluff is out there. Yes, many will ingest fluff. Fluff is necessary sometimes. But I don't want cotton candy any more. I want vitamins and minerals arranged in a way that leaves me with a pleasant after taste.

The problem with purposeful meaty prose is often it leaves me feeling torn open. I feel raw and unsettled so much that I actually hate the book. I hate it so much I may stop reading part way and never pick it up again.

That's just as awful.

So what is a writer to do? Well, I decided to do something along the lines of my favorite children's authors, L'Engel and Lewis. I let there be some fluff and fun in the books. There are even happy endings (mostly). But there are some real issues to discuss too. Just because something ends happily doesn't mean we can't talk about some difficult things along the way.

I hope this is the magical recipe. It is what I believe in, and I tend to stick to my guns. Give me a few more years and when classes start using excerpts to discuss tough issues, I'll know. Maybe Jeremiah will be an Uncle Tom's Cabin.

Published with Blogger-droid v2.0.6

Fighting for Women - Cultural Voices for Women Being Human

I read an interesting blog post by an author that got me thinking about the role of women in America and their struggles culturally and politically. Some people think that women have everything they need these days, but of course, those people are usually men and have no idea what they're talking about. 

Having been raised by a strong woman and a supportive man, I didn't think there was really anything I couldn't do for many years. I was sheltered. I thought things were based on my talents and skills, or even my appearance (i.e. presentation). Intellectually I knew there was still a boys club - I had heard about such things - but I had never experienced it. It wasn't until I was in college that I truly realized there still were boys clubs. For example, I was the only woman to complete a senior thesis in my department. I ended up being able to break into the boys club with other departments at parties by smoking cigars with the rest of the guys. It's not necessarily something I would recommend, but I did it. It made things easier for me. And I was the only woman to do so. Those men weren't particularly sexist, but they weren't helping to create a feeling of inclusion.

The most insidious sexism is that which is not overt - the little things, even by men who would otherwise not be considered sexist. The fact that women just *don't* participate in a certain area or job is enough to facilitate sexist practices. I worked at a company in a division that serviced military members and there were many more men than women. In a leadership position there, I had to be extra tough in order to be respected. I also had to really know my stuff. It was annoying to have that extra stress, and I am sure I was called many names behind my back. Social outings were rare within the division because it was so male dominated and you weren't going to find me going to a Hooters - EVER. So I spent time with other, more inclusive people from the company.

Those little things that add up, and are in some ways, more acceptable to discuss and protest. At least, they're easier, even if a man may deny the situation. Less acceptable is discussions of things like the definition of sexual assault, let alone reporting an incident. Women are sexually assaulted all the time, but it doesn't mean they're raped. Sexual assault is belittled because it is not "rape" but it can have just as lasting of an emotional, physical, and mental trauma for the victim as rape. It's one of the reasons why it is discussed in my book, The Brothers. I wanted to provide an avenue to at least bridge the subject, even though it is not the central theme of the book.

Media like the show being rolled out by NBC, so much music, video games, and even comic books, portraying women in particular shapes and situations encourages sexist behaviors in men (and women!) and can even lead to more dangerous behaviors - like total disrespect and dehumanization of women. When that happens, it is easy to see how women would be sexually assaulted, physically assaulted, or raped. When a woman is no longer a person, it is easy to make laws that strip away her rights, benefit a male dominated society, and hurt the woman.

More than ever, as a writer, I feel compelled to create strong female characters. Yes, they can be sexy - but they are sexy not because they're pretty. They're sexy because they're strong, smart, and talented. They give their supporting male characters a run for their money. I must write them. If I don't contribute to changing the cultural direction of my society, then I'm probably not doing my job. Maybe someone reading about Khloe will think, "Yeah, I'm female. I'm awesome. I can make the world a better place too!"

That would be the bee's knees.

When I Was Younger, I Wanted to Start a Revolution

Tonight I was talking with one of my more political friends who is working on campaigns in Louisiana.  We got to talking about our perspectives on governance, and I mentioned that I am more conservative about my ideas on "ruling." Of course, he corrected me by saying "governing." But I meant ruling.

There is a ruling class in this country, one with gobs of money and more consolidated power than is good for any single group to have.  Of course, this group of high net worth individuals makes "suggestions" as well as their own "legal" bribes to people in politics in order to protect their interests.  It's enough to make anyone feel sick.

When I was younger, I was convinced the only way to disrupt business as usual was to have a revolution.  I fully intended to start one myself, (although I prefer a nonviolent version).  So I researched it.  I studied revolution, social movements, and the most effective peaceful political changes I could find.  I studied non-violent protest strategies, violent rebellions, and the pansy reformations in between.

Through it all I became convinced the most important first step in changing something is education. The more people know about something, the more likely they will have an opinion about it.  From there it is a quick step to action. 

The second was to unite powerful demographics and organize them.  The most powerful group are true-believers, particularly religious people.  If you can align your cause with a pillar of a religion, you can convince that group of people to support the cause.  If it was something that overlapped multiple belief systems, you could have an incredibly large group of true-believers all working to address a single issue. 

Say for example you wanted to end abject poverty.  Going through the UN isn't the way.  Organizing religious groups to work with government agencies is.  With millions of people behind the cause, it would happen.  It couldn't not.  There are just too many true believers who if shown a way to change the thing, they would do it.

This brings me to now.  I'm not unconvinced that revolution isn't the way to go because the current situation isn't working.  On the other hand, I'm not sure if I would like what would happen afterwards.    I don't think people are desperate enough to resort to massive action - violent or otherwise (although Oakland and East LA would in a heartbeat). I know that education isn't working because the information is out there and accessible, but most people either aren't aware, or have no idea how to take action. 

Of course, there is always the Fight Club solution - kill the alter ego and blow up some big financial corporations.  I could do with a little jubilee.