Birth of A Siren

Every day I ache, a wretched invisible ache. My wounds are hidden from view unless I choose to share them. Unless I reveal them, no one ever knows. No one ever sees. And they have no idea how painful it is to hear, to read their opinions – thoughts that deny my experience. Ideas that mock my life. That mock my ache.

How many ways can a woman suffer at the hands of men? Sometimes it feels like my life is an attempt to answer this question. Pick a chapter of my life, and I will show you. I spin around, eyes closed, and throw a dart. Find another way. Find another wound.

The beginning was so early. A toddler. A hidden memory. A dream? And it left its marks all over me. I never trusted adults, especially men. I didn't trust my own family members. I didn't trust boys. Any volatility was a sign to steer clear. Every action, from avoiding the toilets outside of teachers' sight at school, to walking home a block away from a group of boys, it was all calculated defense.

Stay invisible. Stay safe. Stay outside of reach. I won't get hurt – again.

But the stage was set. Another boy, another time, bent on abusing his power. And I gave mine away. I gave it away because I didn't know I had it. I didn't know who I was yet. So I took his scathing tongue. I took his sharp hand. I let him tear me down, as if it was okay, as others watched, doing nothing. Doing nothing because they didn't know better? Doing nothing because they agreed? Why doesn't matter.

Followed walking home. Anonymous letters. Laced drinks at a party. Betrayed by someone once trusted. Telling and no one believes me. No one knows what to do. No one knows how to act. No one knows what to say.

It must be my fault, right? I must have done something. I must have deserved all this. Because I wasn't dressed in Kevlar. Because I wasn't carrying a taser. Because I didn't kick him in the balls when he was sitting with me and my friends at lunch, smiling, and joking like we're all good here. Because I should have known that everyone close to me is a potential attacker. I should have hid my body even more...somehow suppressed the intense curves I was born to have. I should have… I should have… I should have…

And I am alone.

I call into the chaos, speaking truth and a thousand poisonous daggers point back.

I'm too mean. I'm a bitch. I'm too sexy. I'm a whore. I'm too pretty. I'm a slut. I'm too vocal. I'm annoying. I'm too smart. I'm wrong. I'm too much.

I'm a woman.

I'm monstrous feminine.

Despite the hidden scars I carry, the pain I feel when reading denials of my experience, I stand here. I stand, with natural armor, acquired through my battles. My skin is beautiful, perfect for withstanding any siege. I smile, baring teeth, my threat plain. I stand, proclaiming truth, defying the chaos. And my power whips about me, a hurricane beating against blind shores. I walk, back straight, head high. I wield my ache like a battle cry, a siren's call into the void.

Hear me!

Hear me sisters!

Our time is now.

Claim your power.

Claim your right.

Speak.

Stand.

Fight.

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If you want to learn more about my story and how I gained my perfect armor, reserve a copy of my book THRIVE: HOW I BECAME A SUPERHERO. To follow a crash course of my process, reserve a copy of TRANSFORM TO THRIVE: 32 DAYS FROM VICTIM TO SUPERHERO. 

THRIVE Book Launch Week 6: Temping

Keep moving. It's all temporary.

Recently I had an epiphany, which is strangely related to THRIVE.

I realized even though I still get freaked out, depressed, or angry, even in the moment I see the experience of those feelings as temporary. Before, I felt bad and it made me feel like the whole world was awful and there was no light. Now I recognize I am reacting to a specific situation, which will pass, and it does nothing to hinder my progress.

Before I might have wallowed. Now I give myself the freedom to feel, accept the feeling, and then move on to do what has to be done.

My core situation is solid - I have my family. We love each other. Everything else is dressing. Everything else is a game. I move the pieces. I try different things. I experiment. I have fun. I get annoyed. And at the end of the day, I come back to my husband and son.

While I haven't been in war, I've been torn down enough to know that I have what really matters in life. I have family, friends, and an extensive support network who surround me with love. In this, I have been extraordinarily successful. And I am profoundly grateful for this situation, and for the epiphany that everything else in life is just fun and games.

Really.

That is not to say that my actions don't matter, or that I don't want to have a legacy for my son, or a positive impact on my community, country, and planet. I do want those things.But I am open to how they play out. I am detached from a specific result. I intend to enjoy the ride. I intend to enjoy helping as many people as I can with THRIVE. I intend to enjoy fulfilling the purpose given to me. I intend to enjoy every moment of life, even the angry, sad, or anxious ones. All of these things are gifts. All of them are part of the experience - part of the game.

And it's all good. Truly it is.

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LAUNCH UPDATE

It's a bit of a mixed bag, and I feel like last week was a blur. Maybe the stress of the marathon involved with this process finally caught up to me. Whatever it was, I was exhausted all week and had trouble focusing on tasks. That said, I was able to finish the following:

• Patreon blog post
• Patreon art upload
• Regular blog posts
• Incorporated magicworkers' suggestions into press kit
• Scheduled a meeting with a "connector" who has a lot of similar interests and influential friends
• Finished west coast press kit contact database (in hopes of speaking engagements)
• Reached out to connected friends at several universities
• Finished revamping LOVERS & RIVALS
• Determined ideal camera set up for videos
• Recorded prelim/video tests (need to redo for the perfect ones)
• 43% revamped LILITH & AMMON
• 75% done with "influences" page on author website
• Created "author ambassador" contact form and solicited from friends and other connections.
• Downloaded fonts for new covers
• Downloaded grammar extension for word processor

And the plan for this week is:

• Finish LILITH & AMMON
• Finish formatting THRIVE
• Finalize revamped covers for KHLOE series
• Patreon EXCLUSIVE upload of a short story
• Blog posts
• Finalize "influences" page
• Finalize first video set (especially Patreon ones)
• Upload KHLOE books with revamped covers to all outlets
• Upload new covers to website & blog
• Finalize east coast contact database
• Have meeting with connector and follow up on any relevant brainstorming/ideas

I think that's it...but I'm a little scattered at the moment. I'm experiencing that temporary feeling of anxiety the closer I get to pre-order day (May 15). In the end, everything will be what it will be...BUT, I still don't want to get caught with my pants down. I know that everything could always get picked and prodded more, and that I just have to let that go. I can't know what people will get riled about, or what will speak to people. I can't worry about it. In the end, it was my life. You can't argue with experience. It was. It speaks for itself. And I can't control what others hear.

Help! - Project Poll

I need your help. Seriously. I'm blocked. Not sure if it's  sleep deprivation, stress, sleep deprivation, illness, or sleep deprivation. Whatever the deal is, I'm at an impasse with writing. SO...I need your vote and here are the fiction project options:

1. FAMILY, FRIEND, or FOE - the last book in the Khloe series. I'm maybe half way done with this and I can't figure out where to go next. The ending is in my head, but how to get there is tough.
2. ANDREW - the third book in the Rollins Pack. Again, I'm about half way done (maybe more) and I know how it ends, but I'm struggling with the path between here and there.
3. CERIDWEN - a stand alone college/adult project with series potential. This is my mutant/alien/disease/sci-fi book and is maybe a quarter done. I have no idea how it ends or where to go next (lots of intrigue and scandal potential).
4. VICE & VIRTUE - working title, a stand alone adult project. I'm probably between a third and half way finished. This is my angels, demons, and general mayhem theological exploration book. I have no idea how it ends, and I'm not sure what needs to happen next in the story.
5. ???? - there are several "other" options including a story about a family where the son strays from his parents to pursue his dream (think night circus style); a sister who decides to leave the family business with catastrophic consequences (think myth); there's also a psychological book idea involving God and the nature of reality. Christian thinks I should write a sequel to BELOW THE BELT (it's a very popular download on Smashwords and it's FREE this week so get it now!)

 The other option is something non-fiction. I have two real projects there, both in relative infancy (one in lines of the unexpected, and the other having to do with a taboo topic and the process of exposing it).


What do you think? VOTE! PLEASE! I need to figure something out. I must make progress! And, please tell me why you want me to work on a given project. Also, suggestions for something completely different are also options, along with reasoning behind them.


Thanks in advance!

Dawn, Angels, and Divinity

Recently I've been researching angels and demons (for reasons I hope to make clear soon). It has brought me back to questions about my own faith, and how to reconcile the strange ideas running around in my head.

It turns out more than half of all American adults believe in angels and demons. Over ninety percent believe in God. This is interesting to me. I wouldn't have expected so many to also believe in angels.

As I have begun to evaluate my own beliefs and god-given talents, I have discovered that guardian angels aren't just for Catholics. There is quite a large body of hooby dooby work out there related to angels. I struggle with both sets for different reasons. The most important reason is probably because religion is the product of humanity. Humanity is flawed. Therefore religion is flawed.

I struggle with religion. I do not, however, struggle with the glorious warmth of today's sunrise, or the soft purring cat curled up in my lap. I do not struggle with a friend's laugh, or inspired insight. These are things of beauty that prove to me the existence of the divine. That divinity is all I really need to know. That I know or experience anything else is icing on the cake.

Catholicism argues there are two kinds of angels - angels of God, and angels of man. Anyone could be an angel. An angel is a messenger. I don't have to believe in them. I just have to be open to what they have to say.

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