Help Me: Alexis and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Weekend

What I can't lose

It started on Friday. Christian woke up with hives and swelling everywhere. His hands were swollen. His ankles were swollen. His eyes were practically shut. I called urgent care. They wanted to know about his breathing.

"It's fine."
"Okay, well then come in here."

We went, and through the course of check in, I find out our insurance has lapsed through one thing or another (auto-debit never went through...they never contacted us...whatever the case). Then it becomes clear, despite Christian's job (or because of it?), we can't actually afford our insurance premiums. This, thanks to our collected loans, and other responsibilities (which are small compared to most households, but that's all we can manage).

I have a melt down in the waiting room.

It ends up being okay. Only just. Christian takes meds. The swelling goes down more and more. The hives abate, for the most part.

I feel like something needs to change, but I can't seem to get any interviews for jobs I do apply for, that would make childcare possible. I can't sleep well, ransacking my mind for ways that I might actually be able to support us - paths that we could pursue that would actually make a difference for our family.

Fast forward to Sunday.

My son sticks a piece of a toy in his mouth and it gets stuck. It's awkward. It's hard to remove. He's freaking out. He's coughing. His face is turning purple. My mommy sense kicks in and I reach into his mouth and yank it out myself. He is shocked. He is horrified. He cries. He wants to nurse. There is no good place. My shirt is not really the best kind for this sort of thing. We're in the middle of the restaurant, completely exposed. Christian takes him for a walk. He comes back. He wants to stay cradled in my lap. He eats half a sweet potato fry.

He cries. He grabs at me, clearly wanting to nurse. I don't finish my lunch. Christian gets everything except our child, who I am carrying in my arms, across a huge parking lot. He's over 25 pounds, wriggling, kicking, crying, and all the while grabbing at my chest to nurse. I am just trying to keep him in the middle of my body so I don't throw my alignment off worse than it is.

We get to the car. It is hot. It is small. We cram into the back seat and miraculously he's able to latch. He gets distracted and starts playing with things. We relatch. He gets distracted. We relatch. I'm  sweaty and cranky and still in shock from lunch. He gets distracted again, and I make an executive decision and put him into his car seat.

Christian declares he can't drive because of his meds. Fine. I get in the driver's seat. I'm not totally aware of how I'm still upset, but I do what I have to do. This is what I do everyday. I make it work. I check everything, I back up. The car directly behind me is backing up too. I stop. She keeps backing up, but there is no way she can move her car enough. I honk my horn. She bumps me.

I put the car in neutral and the brake on. I get out of the car and look at our bumper. Our car is over 10 years old. Hers is too. There are no dents. There are no scrapes. I see no marks on her car whatsoever, though ours has some old ones from something I can't recall.

"It was just one of those things. I looked left and you looked right," the woman says. I look at the cars again and nod. I'm upset, but no harm no foul.

There's a loud honk from behind me. I look over and there is a car. i stare the driver down. She motions as though she wants to get through - between the two cars who just had an accident. She doesn't smile at me. She doesn't wave or anything. I get into my car and this driver has the gall to drive right between our cars, before either one of us has time to move out of the way. I had visions of chasing her down, of beating her window, of taking my teenage carkeys along her freshly washed California Prius and giving her a nice cursive message to immortalize the occasion.

"Thanks you fucking bitch!" These are the words I thought because she didn't know everything I'd been through this weekend. She didn't realize I had visions of losing not only my husband and best friend, but also the fragile financial security I have. She didn't realize that I had visions of losing my son to a piece of irregularly shaped plastic just moments before. She didn't realize that I had just carried this upset, frightened little boy, wriggling, and crying, at over 25 pounds, the distance of several city blocks. She didn't realize that I had just crammed into my back seat, so that same frightened little boy, could feel an ounce of comfort before being strapped down so he could be transported safely away. She didn't realize all those things, but she did see my car bumper get tapped.

I don't know what that Prius driver had going on in her own life, but I think she could have managed a few seconds wait time to allow a young mother a little less stress to an already stressful event.

So when I did finally get my car going, and make my way out of the parking lot and on to surface street, it was amidst utterly raw weeping. Christian offered to take the wheel, but I refused. I refused in part because I did not want to move from that spot. I did not want to get out of the car. I could not take my hands from the wheel, so instead, I wept. I sobbed until my throat hurt - until the sound was impossible, until it refused to claw from my throat. The tears continued to flow from my swollen eyes. I would sniff. I would take a few gasping breaths, and this was enough to allow that wracking sound from my throat again.

I cried so hard, so long, I started to cough. I started to choke. I calmed enough to breathe. I wept some more. I wept the entire drive to my in-laws' house.

"If anyone makes any kind of comment to me, I cannot be held responsible for what I will say back. I cannot!" I said as I turned down their street. Christian nodded.

"Okay. I understand. Just go straight to the guest room. It's fine."

I parked the car. I wiped salt from my cheeks - just salt tracks because of the drought. I got out, not looking back, not thinking. I went straight to the guest room where our son takes his nap. Christian laid him down beside me, whimpering and half asleep from the car ride.

As I lay there, nursing my sleepy toddler, I breathed deeply, my limbs trembling.

I can't handle anything else. I can't. I need a break - I need to catch a break. I don't have anything left. No patience. No resources. No stamina. I am running on empty. I am bare. I am raw. I don't know what I will do if something else happens. I don't know what else I can do besides what I am doing.

So I write this, raising my hands up, empty and asking...help me.

Detox Life and Reach Goals

Since I started adhering to a writing plan that involves daily and weekly goals, I'm back on track in other aspects of my life. In fact, I would say that I'm in the process of cleaning house.

How, do you ask?

Well, at first it was journaling. I was going through a real dark time, mentally, physically, and emotionally. Journaling helped me to release a lot of things going through my mind which freed me to work on other things (read: writing).

Then I added yoga. I'm not one of those people who is into mixing spiritual disciplines so I was a little hesitant to do this before now. The reason I finally came around and decided to add it to my daily routine is because it can be a kind of meditation. Meditation is good for the body, mind, and spirit. It releases tension can help the body rid itself of toxins etc. It's just a good idea all the way around.

So I hopped onto the Hindu bandwagon for some yoga (just yoga...no pantheon or holy thread or anything). It's been a real blessing and incredibly nourishing to me on every level. I also think I get to sleep faster because of it (probably because of how relaxing it is - this has nothing to do with my new mom sleep deprivation...I swear!).

Then I started adding daily workouts on top of these things. This is something I've really just begun doing this week with any consistency. I had been doing some casual circuit training using my baby as resistance, but that was very sporadic at best (and who knows how effective it was being at achieving my fitness goals other than building muscle). This week I added some kickboxing circuit training videos and next week I plan to up the ante with some other circuit training and HIIT videos. These are ideal for me because they're short but effective, which means I can do them without leaving my baby playing in his play area for too long. The only problem with them is I kind of want them to be longer...or more intense feeling (I sense I'll be adding some low level weights to these puppies!).

I say this now, but talk to me in a week...

My next step is to implement better eating choices...

And then who knows? More active promotion? Actively socializing (sensing a trend here?)?

Needless to say I'm doing these things while I'm reaching my writing goals every day, and I'm taking care of my little man. I know that as I move through this time, every aspect of my life is getting cleaner and the next step of everything is becoming clearer. It's a great feeling.

Sometimes you just need to do some spring cleaning of yourself.

A New Direction: Work Style Leads Writing

This past week has been exceptionally busy. I've switched gears again as far as writing is concerned and I've been promoting my fledgling business Mommy Writing. The second I'll leave up for discussion in other spaces. Instead I'll focus on the somewhat unexpected writing decision I made.

I've been struggling in the past 7 months over where I should direct my energies. At first I thought I would be able to focus on fiction relatively easily while being a new mom. Then I discovered I needed to be able to work uninterrupted on fiction. It's the kind of work habit that doesn't lend itself to life with a baby, let alone a newborn.

Then I turned my attentions to short stories. This works pretty well, but the problem is it's very difficult to do regular research for submissions and keep track of the whole process when your memory is compromised by hormones and sleep deprivation.

Finally I came back around to non-fiction. I had started several different non-fiction pieces last year that I just couldn't bring myself to finish for one reason or another. In fact, the only non-fiction piece I have EVER finished was the curriculum I wrote for my masters thesis project, and that remains unpublished due to some difficulties in formatting (and a lack of desire regarding promotion).

You may be wondering what drew me back to non-fiction considering the above. Well non-fiction doesn't require me to work in a huge chunk. I can easily put it down and pick it back up again, unlike a novel. The piece I'm working on is actually based on an essay/short story I wrote for submission and was never published. It ties together several things that came up in the self-inventory I did a week ago.

I'm writing about being a pastor's kid - actually a double pastor's kid. So far it's irreverant, frank, and at times quite revealing. It's not an examination of theology or an academic study of American religion. It's my perspective on growing up with a unique position in a political and religious family. Some people will probably get upset reading it. Others may cheer (or at least I hope so) and many will be surprised.

I'm surprised I fell into ths project, but there it is. This last half year has been full of surprises. I just hope we all enjoy the results.

Procrastination? No. This is Multi-tasking!

I've been going through a slump lately when it comes to writing - well, sort of. It's kind of hard to write when there is an adorable baby sitting next to you. I mean, really, this kid is cute. But he's also a baby, and babies require a lot of care.

My days have been filled with a lot of other things besides writing - social things, exercising, and figuring out the next steps for setting up some writing classes that I'll be leading in SB County.

These things are exciting and good, but they also make it a lot more difficult to get to my books. The motivation is difficult to find. Frequently I find myself playing dinky little match-three games and watching superhero movies to try to get the juices flowing. Seriously. I'm watching The Dark Knight right now, in between writing blog posts and playing Pet Rescue Saga.

Now you know my priorities are straight.

But even while I am doing these other things, I'm thinking. I'm always thinking. What's going to happen next in my story? When am I going to block out time to write away from the baby (The answer is when he goes to sleep around 8  tonight.)? Where am I going to submit my short stories? What am I going to do for promotion of my new classes?

This practice of thinking while doing other things might be a product of motherhood, but I also think it's a practice of people who are going places and getting things done. If you're not always thinking, you're not moving forward. So it might be procrastination to some, at least at face value. But it's not in the least. It just allows my mind the freedom to solve some of my problems and smooth the way to getting things done when I do have time to focus on finishing things. Still, I'd like to be writing a little more than I am. Really. But balance is the name of the game, and sometimes I just have to play one.

Videos for Writers

Christian and I did something a little crazy. We bought a video camera. And what do we hope to accomplish with our new HD super ballistic special fantastic camera? Well, record things of course!

Specifically, Christian is planning on doing some motorcycle related recording, but I'm get to do a few things that are very different, and very exciting.

The first thing is I get to record the baby (and will probably put properly edited videos on my Raising an Alien blog). Seeing as I was never recorded as a child, this is a kind of exciting thing to be able to do for my kid.

The second thing is I'll get to record a few trailer type deals for my books. I'm hoping to have interview questions or something for each series/novel etc. The videos may be short segments - like one question per video - or they may end up being longer bits. I'm not sure. It's going to depend on many things, including my make-up stash (I mean, let's be realistic - I'm over 30 and female. I can't go out without putting a little bit of face on!) to be perfectly honest.

Regardless of how the videos turn out or what form they take, I'm excited about this new way for readers to interact with me (even though it may take some time for anything to get posted). Be patient, cross your fingers, and keep your eyes peeled!

If you have suggestions or preferences for the kinds of videos I put up please comment below or mention me on Twitter or comment on my Facebook page. I'd love some outside input!

NaNoWriMo Flop

Well this has been a complete flop.

Between growth spurts and negotiating my new living situation NaNoWriMo has been nearly impossible. I got to almost 30k (which is about half the length of many novels for the challenge). That's about a quarter of what I need to have written and November is almost over. Plus there's Thanksgiving which will guarantee another 4 days of no writing.

Some might say I should push through and get my writing done. Here's what I say to you: I have a permanent headache from sleep deprivation. When baby sleeps, I don't want to write. I want to nap. I haven't been able to get my exercise in, let alone my writing. I'm barely functional.

This, I'm told, changes a little after the fourth trimester, which I need. I need to write. It's driving me crazy not being able to hammer out 11k in a day because I can't nurse and type at the same time. The only way I'm able to blog is through my phone while nursing (like right now) which makes it really hard to share my posts (I need a computer for that).

I think I need speech to text software. I see Dragon in my future...either that or book 4 is going to take a lot longer to finish (Another year?? Eek!).

Day 6 of NaNoWriMo with a Baby

Before I officially started working on NaNoWriMo, I had about 8000 words to book 4 of my Khloe series. I discovered that in order to get where I need to be at the end of November (at least 100k or more) I needed to start writing 4000 words a day.

4000 words daily seems like a lot to most people, but keep in mind, on good days I've done as much as 15,000. 4000 feels like chump change in comparison. However when we take into consideration that I have a 2 month old baby with me, 4000 seems insurmountable. I was doing about 500 to 1000 before I got serious with my daily writing goal.

But, when there's a will, there's a way.

Most people think writing a novel is impossible with a full time job or whatever other obligations are going on. But here's the truth - those are excuses for poor time management. Seriously.

Yesterday I had the baby all day and guess what? I got to 13000 words. I felt balla (that's a technical term). I felt like a boss. I was going big. I earned my glass of red wine last night. For reals.

How did I do it? Well, I'll be honest and confess that I did have a little help. I had my husband around for part of the time and the baby did sleep (as well as cooperate and sit calmly in a carrier while I wrote). I even had my parents there to hold him for a little while as I finished the last 500 words of my goal. So yes, I had help addressing my other concerns, but that was only part of what made reaching my goal possible. I also took advantage of every scrap of time I had.

So every five minute segment when baby was occupied, I was at my computer finishing a paragraph. Every moment he was sleeping, I made sure I was polishing off a chapter. It didn't matter if I got stuck with a plot point, I soldiered on. I pushed myself past the block and continued writing.

This is my strategy. Steelers fans will be familiar with this strategy - it's the Jerome Bettis Bus Strategy. Whatever defensive line is before me, it doesn't matter. I just run the ball right on through because, I'm a bus (in attitude, not form!). I can do that, and I'm going to keep doing that. 100k or more this month - for sure.

NaNoWriMo with a Baby?!

I have a plan.

Nope. Not at all.

I am however, going to attempt NaNoWriMo (National Novel Writing Month) this November with the kiddo. Even thinking about this makes me sigh like Sisyphus watching the boulder rolling back down...yet...I am compelled.

The crazy ambition inside cannot be stymied. I may have been only half successful with my writing challenge this past summer, but I'm eager to put my writing discipline to the test. Just how much can I write while having a baby strapped to my chest (by the way, he's in a K'tan right now sleeping as I type!)? How much formatting can I do? How much publishing can I do? Can I get an entire book done in a month with a new baby?

*devilish grin*

You bet I can. I just have to figure out how (though I think wearing kiddo in the K'tan while I type is a good start).

The other somewhat lesser challenge is determining which book to write. Okay, that's probably a very minimal challenge. Though I did start writing FAMILY, FRIEND, or FOE a few days ago, I barely have 3 pages. Yes. 3. Sigh. It has to be a similar length as the other books in the series (approximately 130k) which is about twice the length of the expected NaNoWriMo creation. SO...I think that even though I started the book in October (NaNoWriMo is in November remember!) I can get away with passing it off as a November book. I mean, 130k is no small feat, even without a baby.

I'm getting starry-eyed. If I can actually do this, oooh! That would be amazing! I mean, no success seems to be enough for me (a curse and a blessing), but it might go a long way to affirming my skills and abilities. An indie writer could always use that.

Wish me luck...and a few thousand words this week before our move!

Book 4 Begins - The End of A Series

Between naps, bad prime-time thirty something soaps (okay, if you had to cluster feed, you'd have a fluffy television addiction too!), and diaper changes, writing has been a little difficult to do. And then my beloved kiddo took another nap, and I moved my laptop to the second floor (also known as Fortress de Bebe). Suddenly I was able to write in earnest, or at least in a sort of punctuated equilibrium.

I've mentioned this process before (which is what allows me to write this blog post currently - though kiddo is stirring) but so far all I'd done was blogging. Blogging is fine, but it's not going to do me any favors long term as far as keeping people hanging on my books (at least, I don't think so. I could be wrong...). So?

Yes. I started writing book 4 of KHLOE. I'm really excited about this book. It is the "stunning conclusion" of my first series, or at least I hope so. All the threads I've been weaving will be tied up. Questions remaining about characters will be answered (Incidentally, what are your questions you want answered about Khloe and friends? Leave comments below, on my FB page, or on Twitter!). The grand conflict will be resolved one way or another.

Sounds good.

Of course, this will happen between nursing, tummy time, and diaper changes...which means it's going to take a little juggling on my part. Still, I've got 1200 words so far today...and may write more. After a few days to see how many I can pump out, I'll be able to set a daily goal for myself which will make the process much faster, and clearer. I'll keep you posted.

Writing with a Baby

First, I'll apologize for letting this go a little in the last week. It was my first week home alone with my newborn, so you'll have to give me a little slack.

As such, I'm discovering trends in his day, which means...I am discovering the times I'll be able to write and how long I'll be able to write.

Don't misunderstand. Babies are infamous at throwing monkey wrenches. They might be doing really well in church and then all of a sudden you have poop sprayed across your skirt, shirt, and baby carrier and need to race home to get a change of clothes (because of course you forgot to bring extra). That happens (It happened to me yesterday!). However, there are, as I said, trends.

Fortunately babies like to nap, even as they age (well until they turn two I guess). They tend to have naps around the same time each day (or in our case, kiddo sleeps for like 18 hours a day and is awake and alert for the other 6 - 3 blocks of approximately 2 hours). So between changes and extensive nursing sessions (and my own very necessary naps) I have the option of disjointed writing sessions.

This is good. This is really good. It means I may actually be able to finish ANDREW and book 4 of KHLOE by late spring (and maybe even earlier if I'm lucky). The idea of having a series finished and another half way done is really appealing to me. And doing it with a baby is possible...and adds another level of gratification to the process (mostly because it creates an additional challenge to the process, and I love challenges).

I'm not sure when I'll start to really pursue a writing routine, especially as we're moving in a few weeks along with all the changes on a regular basis with a newborn. I'm expecting some new daily goals will come out...followed by some more regular blogging. So maybe by Christmas?