What am I worth?

I have changed my tactics to writing, blogging, and book selling, in large part because I am not where I want to be. Obviously, if you're not where you want to be, you need to do something differently. As part of that, I've been reading a lot. I've joined a thousand and one groups, forums, mailing lists - you name it. I've reached out to who knows how many different blogs, writers, publicity gurus etc.

About 75% of the time these people write back, in some way. Usually it is a helpful way.

In one particular instance, it was a situation where the person was making the age old case that you have to spend money to make money.

Now between the two of us, my husband and I have a little under $40k of student debt. My husband works in an industry that does not support its employees, in fact, they kind of shit all over them and then stomp on them, no matter how well trained they are. Of course, he makes too much money for us to qualify for government assistance. Our parents happen to live in one of the most expensive housing markets in the country, which means we have to live with them in order to have a place to stay and food to eat. My son has health care because of the ACA. Because of where we live, we have to commute to jobs, and because of a lack of childcare, it doesn't really make sense for me to work at this point.

This is the stress I carry on my shoulders every day.

I have tried a thousand and one tactics already to get my books into readers hands, and here is this person saying the only way I can be successful is by spending money. Money. Something I don't have right now - haven't had for a few years.

I wrote the guy and he actually wrote back, and said nothing I didn't already know. I was grateful he actually responded, but the response did something to me that was unexpected. He wasn't mean, in fact, he was very professional. But it was the fact that he told me things I already knew - things I felt like I couldn't do anything about.

I broke. I just broke. Here was this guy who was supposed to be a guru and he was telling me things I already knew. I felt so defeated.

Here I was, putting every last bit of soul and effort into this - and I still wasn't financially successful. I wasn't getting reviews. I wasn't getting people to buy my books. Granted, people love the books when they read them. Any time I talk to people about them they end up buying a copy. And loving it. Seriously. But I wasn't connecting to enough readers. People weren't coming across my books and buying them. I had a steady trickle of purchases, but nothing to write home about.

I felt like a failure. I was ready to jump off a bridge. The thought actually entered my mind. I cried the rest of the day.

Slowly reason seeped into my consciousness.

The voice (in this case my father's) said: You might not be able to buy another domain, but you could change the landing page to allow for multiple brands.
Me: Okay, I can do that. Next week on update day I can do that.
The voice: Stop 'asking' for reviews. Call in all your chips. Tell anyone and everyone who you know has read your books - I need reviews.
Me: Okay. I can do that. I'll do that.

I started doing that. I felt a little better.

The voice came back (in this case my husband's): You already knew the things this guy told you. Keep working at this. Keep tweaking things. Write a blog post about this. You have more.

I did. I felt even better.

The voice came back a third time (in this case the one in my head): There are more things I haven't done. Try them. See this through. I have a purpose. I am enough.

So here I am. I have a purpose to my writing. I want to educate empathy - specifically compassion. I want everyone to know what is possible in books, with characters, with life. I want to be a catalyst for social change. I want to leave a legacy for my son. This is my purpose.

When there is a purpose, things happen. I believe that. I have everything I need to realize my purpose. I believe I will encounter those driven to work with me. There are no accidents. No coincidences. There is will, and therefore way.

I am sharing all this because I know I'm not alone. My situation is one that has played out many times before over the centuries. I know every modern author isn't in quite as dire of straits as I am. A lot of writers have day jobs, or spouses who essentially sponsor them. I know a lot of people do not need their writing to work for them. And it is nice to have that. There is comfort in that.

I am not comfortable which is why I need you to understand exactly what is at stake for me - for people like me. I need you to know me. To understand my drive. To understand why I struggle every day to do and be more.

When you read my books, understand that through everything, I am baring myself. I am giving you a piece of me to carry with you. When you read my books, you are participating in my life through the lives of my characters. That is the gift I am giving you.

Now tell me, what is it worth?

My 2015 Vow

Everyone needs the obligatory "New Year's" post, so here is mine for 2015 - from a professional and personal perspective (my parenting one can be read here).

I'm not sure about this "resolution" business, but I can keep a few promises. I think promises hold more weight for me. Maybe you have been successful with resolutions. I feel like often they set us up for failure either because they are too vague, too unrealistic, or because they reflect someone else's ideals and expectations. I want to foster success throughout my life and to do that, I feel like re-packaging and acceptance are important. With these things in mind, this is my 2015 vow - my promises for the following year:

1. I promise to only ever be myself and honor my preferences and artistry - despite applause, mockery, attacks, compliments, snide tones, as well as disparaging body language or facial expressions.
2. I promise to continue my personal development in all aspects of myself - spiritually, mentally, emotionally, physically, and socially.
3. I promise to be grateful every day for the blessings in my life, no matter how big or small.
4. I promise to lift up those around me, in an effort to be a force for positive movement in the world.
5. I promise to ask for help when I need it.
6. I promise to smile, laugh, sing, and dance every day.
7. I promise to do everything I can to put out a few good books (3 with luck and perseverance).

I wish you all a wonderful 2015 full of blessings and personal growth. I feel like it's going to be a good year for our family and myself in particular. I can't wait to see what it holds! Happy 2015!

Do you have resolutions this year? Promises? What do you want for yourself this next year? Leave a comment below!

Until All Are Equal - Feminism

The internet is full of fail. It allows idiocy to multiply like a virus and collect into little pools of festering infection. First, let me remind everyone: USE YOUR CRITICAL THINKING SKILLS. It is always a good idea to consider arguments thoughtfully especially if they are well structured and supported by sufficient evidence, regardless of your own opinion.  This is how we learn and grow and that is always a good thing.

Always consider a situation and the definition of the words being applied. Does the situation actually fit the words being applied? Or is the person making statement after statement with malapropisms? In other words, does this person actually know what he or she is talking about?

Just saying.

Now to brass tacks.

Let's remind one another, ladies and gentlemen, why FEMINISM is not the "F word." Feminism is not MAN-HATING or "Feminazism." That is female chauvinism and NOT the same thing (I think we all agree chauvinism is bad...equality is good). Let's also remind one another that FEMINISM is about a set of ideals - a philosophy and a movement. It is about EQUALITY in PUBLIC and PRIVATE spaces for EVERYONE.

If a woman has NOT experienced discrimination or violence because she is a woman, I can only attribute this to one of three things: sheer luck, lack of life experience and/or exposure to the world (i.e. too young), or obliviousness to her own situation and those of women around her.

If a man has not witnessed or met a woman who was discriminated against or attacked because of her vagina, then he can only be too young or oblivious (not asking the right questions or "calling a spade a spade" as it were).

Women, you need feminism because

1. You like being able to vote.
2. You like being able to drive.
3. You like being able to have your opinion weigh the same as someone who has a penis.
4. You like being able to choose if and when you want to be a mother.
5. You like government protected parental leave.
6. You enjoy being able to work...in any industry and any organization.
7. You enjoy making it to upper management (or at least having the possibility to).
8. You like being able to go to college and study whatever you want to achieve whatever goals you have.
9. You want to be able to get the same wage for the same work as someone with a penis.
10. You enjoy being able to wear pants, shorts, skirts, and pretty much anything you want at any time ANYWHERE - seriously... think Saudi Arabia people.
11. You enjoy being taken seriously. Seriously.
12. You want to be seen as a person, as opposed to a walking vagina to be possessed or used.
13. There are still women in this world who do not have access to all the  the above mentioned things.
14. Daycare is still not provided by all employers.
15. Women who take themselves out of the workforce during childbearing years have a difficult time being hired after. 
16. Women are still not trusted to know how to give birth in the US and around the world.
17. Women are still not allowed control over their reproduction in the US and globally.
18. Women are more likely to be the victims of sexual abuse (3 in 10) than  men (1 in 10).
19. Women are much more likely to experience violence at the hands of their partners than men.
20. Women worry about being physically safe with men. Men don't feel that way about women.
21. When saying that someone abused you sexually, society is predisposed to call you a liar and an opportunist unless there is physical proof.
22. "Cunt" is still worse than "dick."
23. "Whore" is a slur. "Pimp" is a compliment.
24. Women are less likely to vote for a female candidate to office.
25. We have been so conditioned by the idea that we can't do certain things that WOMEN REINFORCE the status quo.

Men need feminism because

1. Men can't stay home if they want to (without worrying about societal pressure and stigma).
2. Men like parental leave.
3. Daycare is still not provided by employers.
4. Imbalanced power dynamics foster resentment and subversion by the less powerful.
5. Men (and women) want whole, supported partners.
6. Having an empowered partner means a happier relationship (Ever met someone who had control over their own life who was upset about it? Really?).
7. Men need to know how to be male without being violent or aggressive towards women (read: television, video games, movies, and popular music).
8. Men need to be able to explore their own identities and roles (son, husband, father etc).
9. Diversity of perspective leads to innovation which can lead to better solutions (i.e. dialectics).
10. Everyone is more productive when they are supported and empowered (Think of your sisters, wives, mothers, and daughters here.).

All feminists are not the same, but saying that we don't need feminism is like saying we don't need to worry about racial equality. Sorry, but there is still a whole lot of racism in the US and the world, and there is STILL a lot of sexism in the world.

We definitely need feminism.

Impossible Failure: Extreme Effort Yields Extreme Success

Recently my life has been a bit crazy. We have 2 weddings coming up, a few trips (my husband's going a bachelor weekend and I'm taking the baby back East),  and at least one baby shower. I published 2 books in one week. I've been working out like crazy AND the baby's teething (like the whole mouth...it's crazypants!). Plus it was crazy hot...

Oh, and I'm trying to finish FRIEND OR FOE (working title for Khloe Book #4). I'm 70k into it....so I'll probably need at least 30k more - possibly as much as 60k depending on how loose ends tie up.

I'm working so hard to keep things moving and going. It's a struggle to get anything out, let alone make sure my formatting doesn't suck the big one... and then I see another email congratulating someone else for being a bestseller or whatever.

I want to break something.

I'm working so hard and often it feels like I'm getting little or nothing in return. I know this is a long game and slow and steady wins the race, but things could go a little faster. I look at my Smashwords profile page and see the collection of books I've written and know I'm on the right track...but couldn't that track have a little more tangible success?

Then again, what is success?

For an indie author among thousands upon thousands (millions?) it's hard to say. What is enough? What makes it a hobby? What is reckless abandon or ambition? How many readers are enough? When do you stop writing?

For me, I'm still pretty far from my end goal (my end goal being a ridiculous amount of readers). My annual writing goal is half way complete (3 books published and a fourth half way done). Every subsequent year I want to publish another 7 books. Even if I have another kid. Even if I have TWO. I will keep writing. I will keep publishing.

So while I find it discouraging when a week goes by without much writing (like this past one) or I read an email celebrating the same 5 successful "indie" authors who have a leg up from their past lives of traditional publication, I won't give up. I'll never quit. It's like working out - consistency wins. I see my arms and legs transforming. Slowly everything else transforms before me. There's no other thing to do. If you put so much effort into something, it's impossible to fail.

I believe that.

Impossible.

The 2014 Master Writer Plan Part 1: Process & Publication

By divine intervention I came across an action plan for promoting indie books and developing a platform. It was a hallelujah moment for me. This was the thing I've been looking for! These were the questions I needed to ask myself! Finally! Someone had put together some actionable steps for me to pursue one by one in order to get the word out about my beloved creations!

As you may have guessed, my strong suit is promotion. :-D

So of course I devoured the information and quickly realized it raised more questions than it answered.

Not only did I realize how lacking my knowledge was of social media campaigns, I also realized how incredibly scatter-shot and scatterbrained my attempts had been. I was operating with the whole, "throw everything at it and something will stick" mentality. I've known I needed to change my approach, but I just wasn't sure how to go about doing it.

Well, I started going through the questions this site asked. Then I asked more questions of myself. Then I brainstormed. Then I asked other people these questions. Then I brainstormed some more. Then I prioritized based on expected ease and projected impact of these various actions. Then I made a list.

All along I said I wanted to publish 7 more books this year (and pretty much every year after as long as I am writing) but I wasn't sure how I could do it. While there are specific actionable parts of promotion that need to be thought through, I also needed to get clear about how I could break down my word counts in the time left of this year in order to reach my goal.

As my husband says, each new book promotes every previous book. That's the beauty of having a collection published.

In an effort to ensure my success with my publishing goal (and subsequent promo overhaul) I needed to make sure my word counts were reasonable and that I was giving myself enough time to edit, proof, format, and publish each manuscript.

I needed to not only break down things into daily goals, but also weekly and monthly across the different aspects of publishing (cover design etc).

The result is the following:

• Monthly word count goal: 31,000 words
• Weekly word count goal: 7350 words
• Daily word count goal: 1050 words
• Monthly editing goal: 1 book
• Monthly publishing goal: 1 book
• Monthly cover goal: 1 cover

There will likely be a lag at the beginning which will stretch through the year because of the process of writing and publishing (i.e. March will not have a publishing goal and December won't have a word count goal).

These are separate from any promotion work I do - including blog posts, Twitter, Facebook, videos, podcasts, etc. I'm not exactly sure how the promotion goals are going to fit into my days because I'm not exactly sure how much time I want to devote to each thing and what those things will be. I think initially there's going to be a lot of time spent on cleaning things up (which will be a real pain and may take the place of some of the other writing/publishing goals in various months).

I plan to detail my efforts in my publishing goal for 2014 as well as my promotional goals. I hope others will find the process enlightening and helpful, especially for those who were/are as clueless as I have been. That said, I'd better get writing!

Keep Moving Forward

One of the things my SCORE mentor told me was to focus on one thing at a time. It was basically the whole cart before the horse advice.

Ahem.

I have problems with that.

Not the advice, but rather not following it. I seem to get ahead of myself a lot. It's a fault. It's self sabotage. It drives me crazy. I'm working on it.

It seems that through my writing and my relationships I've been working on a lot of personal faults, especially since I started THE BROTHERS. I didn't realize how much of a personal journey writing would become for me, or how much it would force me to grow and change. I didn't realize how often I'd have to confront my deep-rooted fear of failure.

Yes. I have been afraid of failure. I'm still afraid of it, at least a little bit. Now I realize it's more that I'm afraid I won't be as successful as I imagine myself to be. Big aspirations force big actions and my concern is that I won't be able to live up to this image of myself in my head.

But I'm also a bit manic (I know this might come as a shock to you...*grin*). That mania is something I had to fight through in order to finish and publish my books. The benefit of completing one was that I knew I could do it, so it was easier to do it a second time. Now I'm at the precipice of a new endeavor, something I've never done before and I'm more than a little freaked.

My old habit would be to tell myself, "Well, it didn't work immediately or as big as I thought it would, so now to move onto other things." But here's the thing - I can't do that. When I know something is good, I just can't let it go. This tenacity, an inherited trait from my mother, is a blessing. It's a blessing because it neutralizes this fatalist tendency I have and allows me to keep going.

It is possible that I will fail. It's possible that the world isn't ready for my idea or that I won't have enough sticking power to get through the tough moments. I don't know. Whatever the case may be, I'm going to keep working at it to see where this takes me. Already I've learned so much and grown so much as a person. I know things will only get better.

Looking For Opportunity in a Forced Stay-at-home-mom Hand

The Real Face of Stay-At-Home Mothers: Those Who Have No Other Financial Option - Forbes

I found this article because being this side of 20 weeks makes the issues of financial stability that much more pressing - that much more frightening.

Today when I got home from work, Christian was looking at other apartments. We don't want to move yet, because I'm so close to my job now (let alone the birth center), but come July when my contract's up we may have to.

We're also looking at the retirement accounts that we've acquired which have been losing money for years. When you're not making enough interest to cover inflation, it doesn't make sense to continue doing what you've always done. Does draining those accounts scare me? Yes. Absolutely. Am I more concerned about paying less interest on our student loans and being able to pay for essential baby gear? Yes. Absolutely.

And like the women the Forbes article cites, I find myself in a situation that is less of a choice and more forced at this point in our lives.

Unlike the supposed new face of SAHMs, I'm not foreign-born. I am younger, but certainly not the youngest mother-to-be on the block. The economy may be coming back, but I happen to live in a place where many of my skills are redundant. The Bay Area is flooded with young, highly educated people - many with less experience who are willing to work for less money. 

Who needs someone who studied interfaith dialogue? Politics? Art? Who worked in education without a teacher's certification? Who doesn't have a doctorate? Who has no interest in being a corporate stooge?

When I was looking for full time work, there wasn't any. Even the jobs that were in line with my professional experience weren't interested in me for whatever reason. I guess I didn't know enough people in the area or whatever. Regardless, I decided to give up on full time work to pursue something else - the result of which is partially this blog (the other half being my books which you should buy and read - of course!).

Now I find myself in a position where my hand is forced. I DO want to stay at home, actually. I want to have time with my kiddo. I want to see every first. But I also don't want to become lonely, depressed, or crazy (or any combo thereof). And unfortunately, that is a real possibility.

I grew up having everything I wanted. My family went on regular vacations. I didn't have 20 sets of lessons, but I spent my time in self-directed exploration with kits, tools, and crafts my parents gave me. I had my own room.

As of right now, I can't give those things to my child and it pains me. It pains me that I feel like they will have a worse life than I did.

I know other couples have started with less and ended up doing remarkable things. My parents went from a parsonage with piddily salaries in Philly to living in their own condo in Santa Barbara wine country. Christian's parents worked hard and went from renting a tiny place outside of Camarillo to owning a sizeable house in Santa Barbara. Neither was (or even is) easy. Still they did it. It's not impossible, or at least it didn't use to be. But I don't want to get ahead of myself on the cynic train...

So I remind myself that life leads us in directions we cannot anticipate. I remind myself that J.K. Rowling wrote some of her books on bits of napkins when she was a struggling single mother. Other writers have dealt with scores of rejections and gone on to do great things and have best sellers (even with some of the books that were originally rejected time and time again). Other women have made SAH work for them even with only one income that was lower than the national median.

I can do it. I know. I can be strong. I just don't want to have to be. I feel like we've been doing this our whole marriage and I want a solid break. I want my time of blatant abundance to arrive already. I want zero debt, healthy investments, and a fat savings account. I want vacations to places I've never seen that involve visiting museums or taking lessons that cost more than free because I can afford it.

I want more than I grew up with.

I think this is a more common occurance than many would like to admit. Perhaps we were brainwashed so well we thought we could have a loving marriage, a nice house, well adjusted kids, AND healthy finances. Maybe the truth is we can't have all those things. Maybe we have to let go - be more zen and less attached to these ideas of what happiness and security mean. If I can open myself up to possibilities and begin to dream of ways life can be more wonderful, perhaps I can see opportunities for greatness staring me in the face.

That is my personal goal - to dream of ways life can be more wonderful every day and to be open to possibility. Life can surprise us. We must remember. Every moment ends as another begins.

So yes, I am staying at home under uncomfortable circumstances at first. But I know this is a big year. I know this isn't a grim situation, but an a opportunity. I just don't know exactly what opportunity it is. I'm keeping my eyes and heart open.